Cross-Brain AN: Before we begin, a brief announcement. This chapter and the next one, possibly two, are noticeably shorter than our standard length. They are filler, based off of an anime filler, but with an original plot conceived by Xomniac back at the start of the story. The characters in this may or may not be returning later down the line, depending on what Oda does.
We will resume our typical monstrous chapters when we reach Thriller Bark, and we sincerely hope you enjoy the filler in the meantime.
Xomniac AN: Look at it this way: over 9000 (HA!) is still over twice as much as most SB and V authors post in a single chapter, so we're still the cream of the crop : 3
Patient AN: Pride in your work is good. But do take care that you don't get an overly inflated ego, Ego.
Xomniac AN: Har har.
Hornet AN: And it saves time on editing. Woot!
"Sooo…" Nami drawled with a flatly cocked eyebrow as she watched me ram my head into the wall. "I take it that we don't want to know what that's all about?"
"You have to ask?" Zoro scoffed, glancing over his shoulder at his fellow strung-up crewmate.
Nami glanced back at him with a calm and serene smile. "Allow me to respond to that in a completely rational manner."
THWACK!
"GAH!" Zoro yelped. "How the hell is stabbing your elbow into my side a 'rational' response!?"
"Well, it was rational to me, and in the end, isn't it all just a matter of perspective?"
"MM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMMMM!" For whatever reason, Soundbite decided to cackle uproariously at that. Before I could properly rip into the snail, though…
"HEADS UP!"
CLUNK!
"GAH!"
I snapped my hands to my pounding skull as something hard and heavy landed on it. "The hell—?" I looked up to see a pair of hooks at the ends of ropes swinging in the air, and a glance upward revealed that they were being held by a pair of Accino mooks, who themselves were flanked by the Accino's twin elder sons.
"Nefertari Vivi!" the red one… Brindo, I'm pretty sure, called down. "As your crew's diplomat, our father Don Accino has requested an audience with you. And considering Jeremiah Cross's savviness, he has deemed it acceptable that he attend the meeting as well."
"If you need any further incentive, then your partners may accompany you," the blue one, Campacino, offered as he dangled a key in our vision. "But just remember that any resistance will be met with immediate force."
I exchanged glances with Vivi and the rest of the crew, and then I looked back up at them. "Before we agree either way, what's this about? You already have our flag and our bounties, isn't that enough of a birthday gift for your damn patriarch?"
The twins exchanged surprised looks, before causing my heart to sink as they burst into twin bellows of laughter.
"Huhahahaha! Apparently Mister Cross is not quite as informed as he makes himself out to be, dear brother!" Campacino guffawed.
"Bohohoh! Indeed, brother beloved, indeed!" Brindo laughed right back. "For if he were, then he would know that our dear Papa's birthday was a good month ago, and that we gifted him a full fleet's worth of flags for it!"
I choked in horror as I processed that little tidbit. "Ahhh… well, that's my playbook out the window."
"So, Cross doesn't know what's coming?" Luffy slowly tilted his head up with a grin. "Great, now this is gonna be a real adventure! Shishishi—!"
"Can we get another collar on him?" Sanji called up.
"Certainly! Hockera!"
"On it!"
"Shishi—eh?"
CLUNK!
"HURK!" Luffy gagged as he got a double helping of sea prism stone. "Gugh… now I really think I'm gonna hurl…"
"Thank you!" the cook shouted up.
"Hok Ke Ke Ke Ke! No problem, pirate scum!"
I forced my composure back together as I looked up at them, ignoring the way Vivi's hands were twitching up towards her collar—or more specifically, her necklace. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up, you bifurcated bastards. Either way, my question still stands: what does he—!" I glanced at Vivi again. "What does the hot-air bastard want with us?"
Vivi visibly tensed, the bounty hunters doing the same. While they were quick to school their expressions, Vivi's expression grew even tenser with thought.
"First of all, a bit of friendly advice: if you value your life, don't insult Papa," Brindo bit out. "If you already know his Devil Fruit, you know it doesn't do anything to help his temperament."
"And second, if you must know, you're being summoned for an unprecedented reason, which Papa has never allowed before," Campacino sniffed. "To negotiate for your freedom. The collateral? Your crew's reputation for defying all odds, which Papa desires to employ."
Vivi and I exchanged uncertain looks, but after looking at Luffy and getting a nod of approval (that or his head was just lolling from nausea, either or) I shrugged helplessly and walked over to grab one of the lines. "Might as well, I guess. Better to possibly fry up there than freeze down here."
"Agreed!" Vivi concurred as she joined me, with Carue clambering on himself.
"Hey, what about the rest of us who are still freezing down here!?" Franky demanded, straining against his bonds.
Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning at the mostly metal-man. "My advice?" I offered. "Next time, consider investing in some thermal underwear!"
"CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!" Franky roared as leaped at me to bite, chains and all.
"ONE AND A QUARTER, GOING UP!" I shouted, tugging at the rope and getting yanked up and out of the cyborg's reach.
Vivi regarded me dryly as we were hauled up alongside one another. "You have such a way with words, Cross."
"I know, right?" I thumbed my jacket out with pride. "It's my pride and—GRK!" I was cut off by Vivi grabbing my collar and yanking me right up to her snarling face.
"You listen to me and you listen good, you adrenaline-huffing loud-mouthed moron," the suddenly ticked off princess bit out. "Once we meet with this Don Accino, I am going to be doing all of the talking. You, on the other hand, will not open your mouth without my explicit say-so, which I will be delivering ever so subtly in the form of my elbow in your side. If you fail to follow these orders explicitly until I tell you otherwise, I will rip your tongue out and feed it to you. Am I clear?"
I cowered for a second, but I then managed to level a glare at her. "I readily admit that I am an adrenaline junkie, but you should know that the only time I remotely risk anyone but myself is when I know about a way out. I'm not going to willingly provoke the man… unless he asks for it."
Vivi's expression, which had previously softened with a bit of shame, snapped back into rage mode. Before she could go about ripping my head off, however...
"Ahem?"
"WOAH!"/"YIKES!"
Vivi and I yelped and flailed as we were suddenly yanked up off of the ropes by the somewhat impatient Ice Hunter twins.
"If you're quite done?" Brindo drawled.
"Hmph." Vivi squirmed out of her captor's grip and brushed her parka off, sniffing indignantly. "You clearly know nothing about my crew if you're actually asking that."
"Seconded," I nodded in agreement before plucking Soundbite from my shoulder and holding him out to Campacino. "Now, I believe there was some mention of un-muzzling—?"
"All yours," the blue twin said as he tossed the key to me. "I'm not putting my fingers anywhere near that death trap that thing calls a jaw, and before it gets any bright ideas?" He tapped a finger to his ear. "We're all wearing sea prism stone earplugs."
"Geez, seriously?" I groused as I started searching for the keyhole on Soundbite's newly installed mute button. "Sea prism cuffs, sea prism earplugs, and Soundbite said something about sea prism walls below that ice before you crammed this thing on his face. What, did the Marines have a clearance sale or something?"
"PWAH!" Soundbite gasped gratefully as I finally managed to wrench the restraints from his jaws. "Sweet, sweet freedom! I'M GONNA HAVE someone's fingers for that! And actually, that wouldn't surprise me. YA KNOW,CONSIDERING HOW THE NAVY'S BUDGET IS GETTING THE AXE LEFT AND RIGHT?"
"Oh, yeah, between Bege and the loss of twust…" Carue mused thoughtfully.
"Eh, part that, part we've brought in countless docile bounties for the Marines, thus ingratiating us to them!" Hockera snickered as he posed with his hockey stick. "They give us just about anything we ask for! Neat, huh?"
"Lovely," Vivi drawled in an utterly unimpressed manner. "Now, unless you all would like to see whether or not my influence extends to lip-reading when I tell you all to literally jump off a cliff, I believe we were going to see your father?"
The siblings and their underlings swiftly shared a distressed look before the twins swept their arms to the side and fell into uniform bows. "Right this way, milady," they chorused.
Once the procession started to, well… proceed, I subtly inclined my head towards Soundbite. "Do those earplugs reallystop you?"
"Eh," Soundbite swayed his eyes from side to side. "They're annoying, sure, but not airtight. IRONICALLY, WAX WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN BETTER."
I straightened my head with a satisfied hum. "Good to know."
Soundbite and I fell silent from there on as we walked, our 'escorts' thoroughly on guard as they walked us through an oasis that could only be the result of Devil Fruit intervention when located in a glacial desert of this scale. And the evidence of Devil Fruit involvement became more and more evident the further we went, on account of the steadily mounting temperature and the wisps of steam that were starting to waft through the air.
Normally I would have been more awed by my surroundings, but… well, my sense of wonder was mitigated by the fact that I hadn't seen Vivi anywhere near this anxious since her near-miss breakdown back on the Rocketman; I could only imagine what was going through her head, about to meet the user of another of her country's long-lost treasures while once again being so utterly at his mercy that she couldn't even inform him of the significance of his powers.
Unfortunately, before I could do anything to alleviate her tension, we arrived at a pair of doors that, while not the largest I'd ever seen in my life, were simultaneously the tackiest and the most threatening.
"Are you ready?" Brindo asked, glancing back.
"Ah, actuawwy, if we could have a—?"
"If not, too bad!" Campacino forged on, ignoring Caure's raised wing.
The twins then swept their arms in synch out at the doors, prompting them to open with a blast of steam. "Presenting to you, the Patriarch of the Accino Bounty Hunting Family… DON ACCINO!"
Vivi and I flinched back from the sudden blast of hot air, and we didn't get a chance to adjust either on account of Hockera ramming his hockey stick into our backs and forcing us into the brume. We flinched and coughed from the sudden swap in temperature ranges and it took us a second to get our visibility back, but once we did…
Well, on the surface, Don Accino didn't look all that impressive. Obese, shirtless, laying on a couch made of ice, holding a goblet full of wine, flanked by his lovesick skater daughter and son-in-law. But the fact that he was radiating just as much casual menace as he was pure thermal energy?
Considering how it felt like we were in a freaking sauna, you can imagine that we were all more than a little intimidated. The fact that he outweighed us all by a little less than a metric ton didn't hurt either.
All of that served to make the literal dozens of pirate flags hung about the room little more than the cherry on top. The terrifyingly morbid cherry.
Still, while I had the chance—
"Looking for this?"
I snapped my eyes down from the countless grinning skulls hanging above so that I could focus on the one that Accino was holding pinched between his fingers, flapping in front of his smugly grinning mug.
"Heheheh, nice try, but not happening," he chuckled as he waved our flag, our pride and joy, our emblem, like a common matador's cape. "I'm not so stupid as to let my prize bargaining chip leave my grasp so long as any of you are free. Still…" Don raised our flag above our head so that he could gaze upon it. "It is quite the pretty flag, is it not…" His sunglasses glinted as he glanced at me. "Jeremiah Cross?"
My lips split in a snarl, but before I could even start to conceive of a response, I found myself abruptly trying to keep my balance in response to the pair of fingers crushing down on the sweet spot on my neck.
"We are honored that you would allow us pirates to speak with you, great Don Accino," Vivi simpered with the utmost politeness as she maintained an equally deep bow next to me.
I subtly rolled my fingers in an attempt to ask her to haul it in a little and got a nice bit of extra pressure on my neck for my troubles.
Well, if that's how she wanted to play…
"Hmhmm, such manners," the Accino patriarch hummed, his tone warm but tinged with sadistic pleasure. "I was honestly bracing myself for Cross's biting rhetoric. My…" His children winced fearfully as he snorted out a cloud of steam. "Temper, you see."
My eye twitched at that particular comment and I opened my mouth, only to gag when my tongue glued itself to the roof of my mouth. Son of a—seriousl—AGH, MY EAR, DAMN IT!
"Oooh, believe me, good Don, my dear friend here would almost certainly be offering the most scratching he could conjure right at this very moment were he so able," Vivi smiled endearingly even as she endeavored to yank my ear off. "But, foreseeing that eventuality, I elected it best to… rescind my crewmate's speaking privileges for the foreseeable future, unless I offer him my permission. I hope you don't mind?"
I was both amused and annoyed to see the Accino children heaving subtle sighs of relief even as their father scratched at his second or third hairy chin.
Ultimately, Don shifted his mass in what I could only assume was a shrug. "So be it, so be it. I suppose that I only need you all to listen for the moment anyways. Now then… to business, hmmmm?"
Vivi nodded, her expression and tone carefully neutral. "We would like to know what you have to ask of us. Especially considering that, given your reputation, we should by all accounts be, well—"
I started to raise my fist above my head so that I could mime a noose, but apparently, Vivi took offense to that, if the way she snagged my elbow and twisted my arm behind my back was anything to go by.
"Quit screwing around with the man whose temper is as volatile as Eneru's while I'm in the room," Vivi snarled beneath her breath. "Or I swear to Isis I will snap your arm off and shove it somewhere thoroughly uncomfortable, do you understand me?"
"Try it and I'll give you the BISCUIT TREATMENT. FAIR WARNING, I'VE refined my GASTRO-PHONY," Soundbite threatened with a smug smirk, causing Vivi, Carue, and me to pale.
Before anything further could be said, however, a sharp clap snapped our attention back to a thoroughly peeved-looking Don Accino. "If you're quite done with your childish spat?" he growled.
We didn't so much answer as our flinches from the sudden spike of temperature and steam in the room answered for us.
"Good," Don snorted firmly. Thankfully for us, he took what I presumed was meant to be a calming sip from his chalice of wine before continuing. "Allow me to be brief: I have been keeping up with your SBS from the first day it aired, and it soon became one of my goals to add the flag of your most notorious crew to my collection. As you have experienced for yourselves—" He smirked as he waved his hand over his now-preening children. "My family has long prepared for dealing with the entirety of your crew. As it stands, we currently have you all at our… tender mercies."
I was sorely tempted to pin the fat bastard with a glare and roll my fingers to tell him to get on with it, but the holes I could feel being bored into my head stilled my hand and expression, as did said fat bastard righting himself into a proper sitting position and adopting a more serious expression.
"However," he stated, his voice devoid of the earlier cheer. "In light of the events that took place upon Enies Lobby, it has been cemented as fact that your crew is truly capable of making what most would deem an impossibility a reality. And…" He took a deep drag from his cigar before wearily huffing out a cloud. "I find myself in a position where I am more in need of this… ability of yours than I do the money from all of your heads combined. Or even…" He visibly struggled with himself for a moment before taking a deep gulp of wine in order to still his nerves and holding up our flag. "My rightful trophy."
Vivi and I exchanged shocked looks, and then she schooled her expression and stepped forwards, her arms spread placatingly. "But, Honorable Don Accino, as we have already witnessed, your Lovely Land is an impenetrable fortress, and you are…" She glanced upward with a shudder. "Clearly thoroughly experienced in your field. What possible issues could affect someone of your standing to such an extent?"
Accino's face split in a scowl and we all tensed as the general heat in the room kicked up a few notches, but thankfully, his ire seemed to be directed elsewhere, as evidenced by his another sigh. "The worst issues of all, Princess Nefertari." He slung our flag over his shoulder and plucked his cigar from his lips before grinding it down against his seat of ice. "Politics."
…Yikes, not even I could restrain my wince at that little tidbit.
"Poor bastard…" Soundbite muttered.
"Damn straight," Accino bit out. He then slid his sunglasses off and kept his eyes squinted shut as he withdrew a rag and started polishing his eyepiece. "Now, let there be no mistake here: Bounty hunting is more than a simple business for my family." He waved his hand at the flags above us. "It is our way of life. We do it because we enjoy the challenge of it, with the money we are rewarded both a side-benefit and a means of sustaining our lifestyle. Unfortunately, however…" He snorted out a hefty cloud of steam. "In recent days, this lifestyle has become increasingly… complex."
I took a moment to roll that over in my mind, and then snapped my head up as a thought occurred to me. I hastily slapped my fingers against Vivi's arm, grabbing her attention and gesturing at my throat.
She hesitated for a second before setting her jaw tersely. "Watch what you say," she warned me, jabbing me with her elbow.
"Sonnuva—!" I gasped, grasping my side. "If I had to guess, I'd say that you're having troubles because the pirate crews are getting stronger, right? More and more nine-digit bounties passing through Lovely Land instead of seven or eight?"
"In so many words?" Don Accino shoved his glasses back on his face. "Precisely."
"We can draw many other crews into our hunting-hell of ice with ease via our superior tactics!" the male skater, Salchow as I recall, boasted.
"But the fact remains that few crews are quite as… lacking in sheer numbers as yours is," his… fiancée, I think? Arbell continued with a weary sigh. "We managed to defeat you because we could reliably split you up and take you down bit by bit, but with other crews, that's just not an option."
"We've had to let some pretty damn hefty catches slip away from us," Hockera groused as he picked at the taping on his hockey stick. "And all because for all that we have numbers in our mercs, we lack the quality needed to establish a reliable net with which to hold them."
I frowned uncertainly. "And… where do the 'politics' come into play in all of this?"
Vivi snapped a glare at me, most likely for my impertinence, but then she tapped her finger to her chin with a thoughtful look. "I… admit that my colleague has a point. How does this all relate?"
"It relates," Accino picked up with a growl. "In that my family and I are not the only ones to partake in this lifestyle. There are countless other bounty-hunting groups and families upon the seas, some lesser than we Accinos, some greater. Our immediate concern, however, lies with a rival clan that I am loath to admit is equal to us in strength, known as the Hiruno Famiglia. They number less than us by a wide margin, but the soldiers they command are fearsome indeed, each easily worth ten of our own."
"The Hirunos are small, strong, swift…" Campacino ticked off on his fingers.
"And above all else, ruthless," Brindo finished as he slammed his fist into his palm. "They've poached countless quarries from us over the years."
"So… what, you want us to wemove da competishion oah something?" Carue scratched his head in confusion.
Accino dismissed that notion with a wry chuckle as he took a deep draught of his wine. "Hohohoooo, I only wish… but no. You see, their resources, limited as they are, can be something of a nuisance for us to fight against, but, if they were to be, say, incorporated into our own, deployed with our tactics, our methods, our skill…"
"An alliance," I deduced.
Don Accino nodded, a grimace on his face. "Basically, yes, we've decided to arrange a mutually beneficial alliance… sort of. For you see, there is one thing that concerns me more than the acquisition of my beloved trophies, and that is the continued wellbeing of my family. As such, a simple everyday agreement will not be sufficient. We need a more…" He took a deep drag from his cigar before biting out the next words. "Permanent solution."
Vivi only had to think about those words for a second before setting her jaw tightly and stealing a momentary glance at Salchow and Arbell. "You're talking about an arranged marriage."
"Feh!" Accino spat to the side bitterly. "Believe me, I find the idea as distasteful as you, especially when taking the other party into account, but it was the only thing I could think of that would keep that old hag and the mongrels she calls her children in line. Still, what's done is done. The contract has been drawn up, and the date set. But the proceedings themselves…" Accino ground his teeth as his icy seat started to sizzle beneath him. "Those are in question."
"Not only will dissent be rife amongst the Hirunos," Campacino announced.
"But there is not a doubt that many other bounty hunters will also attempt to interfere in the proceedings," Brindo concluded.
"After all, if this merger goes through, we'll be topping the absolute top dogs in these waters!" Hockera grinned confidently. "All those other losers will be looking at a total game-over, no questions asked! Soooo they'll be trying to sabotage the living hell out of everything while we're trying to hitch our families up." His smirk quirked slightly as he gestured his hockey stick at us. "And that's where you guys come in."
"Heheh… Indeed…" Accino laid down again, scratching the vast expanse of his gut. Eurgh. "With interference both within and without, it would appear that it would be impossible for the ceremony to be anything but an unmitigated disaster. Good thing we have a crew here whose very dogma is the achievement of the impossible, no?"
"Our proposition is thus!" Arbell sniffed haughtily. "Help us in assuring that this wedding and the alliance that comes with it are both achieved without so much as the slightest hiccup!"
"Fail, and you'll be in Impel Down before even your captain can say 'meat'!" Salchow proclaimed. "Succeed, however, and you'll be allowed to slip away scot-free! We've even managed to convince Papa to return your flag to you on your way out!"
"Though I'm gonna have to be hammered at that point if you want it without a fight…" the 10,000-Degree-Human literally fumed, the air shimmering around his luminescent body.
Vivi hummed thoughtfully as she mulled over the proposal, soon grabbing me by the shoulder even as she adopted a beatific smile. "Mister Accino, if you don't terribly mind, might my colleague and I have a moment to discuss matters?"
"Eh, go ahead," Accino said, waving his hand indifferently. "Just make it quick. My time is money."
"Of course, of course, we'll only be a moment," Vivi assured him with a smile. With that, she yanked me around, drew a deep breath… and started to whisper conspiratorially. "I'm going to be honest here, Cross: I hate arranged weddings. I was heir apparent, so I was never at risk of suffering one, but far too many of my friends had to suffer them in the past. But even then…" She spared a glance over her shoulder at Salchow and Arbell. "Honestly, these two actually seem happywith one another, which is always a big help, and what they're asking can't be too difficult. Simply put… I think that this sounds like a surprisingly good deal. Your thoughts?"
"My thoughts?" I repeated dryly. "First, that I'm starting to wish I didn't respect your authority so much. And second, yes, it seems like a good idea. Yes, it seems like something we can do. Yes, it seems like our luck has come through for us yet again. But I still can't get one thing out of my mind."
"AND THAT WOULD BE...?" Soundbite asked, clearly dreading the answer.
"Simple," I glanced at him with a flat look. "When is it ever that easy?" And so, before Vivi could stop me, I turned back around and pointed at the Accino patriarch. "So, let me see if I've got this all straight! We help you get these two—" I pointed my fingers at the skate-wearing couple in the room. "Hitched properly, in spite of members of mascara-boy's family and every other Tom, Dick, and Harry in the waters who calls themselves bounty hunters trying to throw the whole thing, and you'll let us go, flag and all. Do I have that right?"
Don Accino snarled at me testily, but then breathed out a huff of steam and smoke, waving his hand back and forth. "Eh…" he grunted dismissively. "For the most part. You flubbed one detail, though."
Vivi and I promptly exchanged terse glances. "And… that one detail would be?" the Princess asked.
"The identity of the bride, of course," Arbell spoke up with a 'what-can-you-do' shrug.
"Indeed!" Salchow nodded, sweeping the other skater in the room into what under any other circumstances would have been a very romantic dip. "My beloved Arbellinawina and I have been happily married for three years now, and my family positively loves her! Though only half as much as I do~!"
"Oh, Sally-wally~!"
"BLECH!" Soundbite spat in disgust.
"I'll second that," Campacino huffed with a roll of his eyes.
"And I make three!" Brindo concurred.
"Going four!" Hockera gagged.
"Five…" Vivi muttered before shaking her head and looking back at Don in confusion. "But… if she's not the bride, then who is!?"
"Ah… hey, yeah, she's right!" I agreed. "Because unless you have any other children I don't know about, then the only other daughter you have is—!"
"Me."
Vivi, Soundbite, and I all stiffened at the new voice that had spoken up, and we all slowly turned to watch as the owner of said voice walked past us and stood before the Ice Hunter patriarch, confirming our worst fears.
"Wait, YOU MEAN—!?" Soundbite started to squawk incredulously.
"That's right," Don Accino smirked languidly as he dropped his hand on the head of the stoic child standing before him and ruffled her hair. "You'll be helping coordinate the marriage of my youngest daughter, Lil Accino."
Lil's face barely even shifted as she raised the hem of her skirt in a curtsy. "My future is in your hands."
Vivi's eye twitched furiously as she pointed a shaky finger at the child. "Ah… buh… that…"
I, for my part, merely slapped a hand to my face with an exasperated groan. "I rest my case…"
Thankfully, that managed to snap our crew's resident princess out of her shock. I was freaked out for a moment when her face flushed and her expression morphed into a mask of fury, but then I noticed that none of said fury was actually directed at me.
"You…" she bit out at Accino, trembling murderously. "Deplorable... vile...!"
Thankfully, the Heat-Human didn't seem to take offense, if the way he snorted and started to dig his pinky in his nose was anything to go by. "The hell are you getting pissed at me for, eh?" he grunted. "The Hirunos only have male heirs, and Arbell is already married. Besides, it's not like I'm actually asking her to consummate the marriage, not immediately - or ever, hopefully."
That statement lowered Vivi's blood pressure from apoplectic to merely simmering, but she was definitely still mad. "Even so—!"
Don Accino interrupted her by slapping his hand to his forehead. "Right, that would be a problem, wouldn't it? The groom is the same age as Lil, give or take a year. Does that settle any protests?"
Vivi ground her teeth for a second longer, but eventually, she dropped her face into her hand with a sigh. "Apart from my sense of basic human decency?"
"Yes, apart from that. I mean, come on, I'm sure you've seen this before."
Vivi's brow twitched furiously at the sheer bluntness of the statement, but she allowed herself to nod. "It's… not an unacceptable offer, I will admit. But now that we have all the details in order…" She gestured apologetically at me. "I am sorry for any impertinence on my part, but might I have some more time to discuss matters with my crewmate? This is not a decision we can make lightly."
Don Accino grunted mulishly as he righted himself and started to stretch his neck side to side. "Personally, I don't remember giving your crew much of a choice in the first place… but eh, what the hell." He grinned as he shook his chalice. "I need to go refill my drink anyway, and my legs are starting to fall asleep. You have until I get back. Children."
"Yes, Papa!" the younger generation of Accinos barked, straightening their postures.
"Keep an eye on them. And if they do anything untoward…" The dark chuckle he let waft after him as he walked out said more than any words could have.
I warily eyed the thermo-centric giant as he left the room, tracking his rather thunderous footsteps. Once I judged his distance to be great enough, reinforced by Soundbite giving me his nod of approval, I snapped my attention over to the Accino children and—!
"Whatever the hell you're thinking of, I don't want to hear it!"
"Grk!" And promptly choked on my own tongue when Vivi piped up behind me. With the immediate threat out of the way, however, I wasn't nearly as inclined to listen to her this time. Thinking about what I'd come up with based on what Garp had said about the power she held, I began focusing… and almost immediately, I felt the results.
"The Voices of Anarchy will not be silenced," I snarled out, causing Vivi to jump before reapplying herself.
"Not. A. Word," she growled with as much authority as she could muster, dropping her hand on my shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze.
I turned my head so that I could smile at her, pitching my voice low so that the others in the room couldn't hear. "Do you remember what Garp said? That your power relies on people respecting you and your authority? Have you ever thought that it was strange that it worked on someone who has talked down to the likes of Eneru, Aokiji, Sengoku, and Dragon without any hesitation? I worked out a while back that the only reason it works on me is that I still respect you as a princess, and my friend besides."
Vivi blinked, clearly stunned by the admission, and then I allowed myself to grow more annoyed. "On the other hand, focusing on the things about you that I don't respect seems to have the desired effect of nullifying your abilities. And really, it's so easy to do it when I keep thinking about your many, many, many flaws. Namely? Your complete and utter inability to remember relevant details prior to the exact moment that they become relevant."
"That hasn't happened in—!" Vivi started to hiss.
"Days? Hours? MINUTES?" Soundbite leered tauntingly. The way Vivi blushed and started to stammer did not help her case.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, while I contemplate your natural human errors and override your override…" I loved the way the Accinos collectively flinched when I directed a predatory smile at them. "I'm going to go right on ahead and do what I do best."
"And… dat would be—?" Carue swallowed hesitantly.
I chuckled as I stepped forward, cracking my knuckles in anticipation. "Flip the fucking script. Alright, kiddies, LISTEN UP!" The Accinos jumped in shock when I suddenly let out an authoritative bark. "We've all stood around listening to your demands, we've heard them, and now you're all going to shut the hell up and listen to ours."
The Accino-heirs all exchanged hesitant glances, save for the little tyke Lil, of all people, who casually strolled up to us and regarded me with a lazy grin. "And why should we listen to anything a powerless little pirate like you has to say in our home?" she asked… not smugly, actually, just matter-of-factly.
Well, why wouldn't I grin at the thought of breaking her pride like an egg? "Why, I'm so glad you asked. Oh, Soundbite?" I purred as I snapped my fingers, drawing my snail to attention. "Kindly cut the ground out from under her."
"GLADLY," Soundbite hissed venomously. His grin then morphed into a far more… catty iteration. "Hey, Cross. How are discussions going?"
"At the moment?" I asked as I made a show of examining my fingertips. "Tense. But I think we can tip the balance back in our favor. How's everyone on the crew?"
"Out of their shackles if they had any and all ready to rumble at the drop of a hat."
I began to nod and then paused. "…Quick question, was any of that lockpicking Merry's doing?"
There was a pregnant pause, and then a very audible slap of flesh on wood. "I blame Vivi's influence," Merry groaned.
"I RESENT THAT!" the Princess in question barked.
"We all know you do, honey," Nami sighed wearily. "Anyways, we're ready to start dropping walls and knocking heads. Should we start?"
"No no, hold off on that," I replied. "Matters are both complicated and interesting right now, and I want to see just how much I can work this angle before we default to Plan B."
"Don't you mean Plan A?" Zoro questioned with a smirk.
"Normally, yeah," I said dismissively. "Anyway, just hang tight. We won't be long." And with that, I chopped my hand across my neck and dropped the connection. I then crossed my arms and smirked down at my fellow beast-tamer. "So. How's our negotiating position looking now, runt?"
"That… could have been a trick. You and your snail, y-you've been sneaky like that before!" she blustered, though the look on her face made it obvious how much she believed that.
"I have been, I have been," I conceded, my grin never leaving my face. "But you still have to consider, in this instance… I might not."
"B-But even if you aren't, even if your comrades are all free to fight," Arbell cut in swiftly, most likely in an effort to draw attention from Lil. "We still know all of your moves from the SBS, we know your crew, we captured your crew! What makes you think we can't do that again?"
"Let me answer that with a question of my own." I stretched my grin from ear to ear as I strode over to her and stuck my grin in her face. "Are you really willing to risk the full force of the Straw Hat Pirates, all united and all ready to rumble, running rampant inside your own home?" I slowly tilted my head to the side. "And more importantly, do you really think daddy dearest can handle a tee-d off Luffy firing on full cylinders? As I recall, that didn't work out well for the last guy. Or ten."
The pallor that came over all of their faces answered that.
"Oh you poor poor bastards," Soundbite chuckled sadistically. "If you thought your nuts were IN A VICE BEFORE."
"As my little buddy said," I nodded in agreement, backing off a bit and giving the Accinos some breathing room. "The situation has become thus: you all desperately need our help, while we ourselves only want a few things from you. Concede to our demands, and maybe we'll make this a mutually beneficial arrangement, rather than merely bouncing your heads off the cobblestones and being on our merry way. So!" I clapped my hands together with an eager grin. "You all game?"
"Er… don't you mean being on your sunny way?"
Everyone in the room slowly turned to staaare at Salchow. For a minute, that was all we could bring ourselves to do.
THWACK! "OW!"
"I'm sorry, Sally-Wally, but even I thought that was dreadful," Arbell said, shaking her head in disappointment.
Before the mascara'd man could respond to her words, however, Brindo grabbed his shoulder and started to drag him aside. "It would appear that we are the ones in need of a moment of discussion now," he bit out.
"If you'll pardon us…" Campacino trailed off as he gnawed on his thumb.
I nodded my consent, and as they huddled together, I looked back at Vivi, whose expression was sitting on the borderline between uncertainty and indignance. "Cross, while I appreciate the opportunity, I don't want to reclaim the Rage like this,"she protested.
"And you won't, I swear," I reassured her. "Honestly, this is working out better than I thought: now we have an excuse to stick around. Look, just don't worry about it, alright? All I'm doing right now is turning the situation in our favor so that we can milk it for all it's worth. When there's money on the table, you don't just leave it lying around, right?"
"Mmm..." Vivi nodded noncommittally as she glanced away.
I hesitated slightly at her reaction before coughing into my fist. "Vivi, I don't know whether or not this makes things any better, but… the whole 'vendetta' thing I've got against people being in a higher position of authority than me? I only really got it after Alabasta."
Vivi pondered that for a moment, looking down at her necklace, before clenching it in her fist. "After… a higher authority ruined my life."
"They crushed you," I growled out. "And after that… well, let's just say that when anyone tries to crush me, I damn well try and make them pay for it."
Vivi took that in, and finally, she nodded. "I apologize, Cross. It seems we were both at fault here."
I nodded back before donning a light smirk. "Well… hey, look at it this way: I have learned some restraint. After all-" I jabbed my thumb at the Accinos. "I was smart enough to not pull this in front of the chief hothead, right?"
I was gratified by Vivi hiding a chuckle at that, but I couldn't enjoy it due to the Accino Family breaking their huddle and drawing our attention.
"What do you want?" Arbell groused.
"Ahhh, there, see?" I grinned in an admittedly condescending manner. "Isn't it so much better when we all get along? But anyway, getting down to business, our first demand is thus." I popped up a finger, my levity gone. "The liberation of the Phoenix Pirates, captain, flag and all, before we so much as lift a finger to help you. The only reason they turned against us was that you had your boots on their necks, and I'm not going to let you keep our fellow pirates oppressed even one second longer. You want our help, you let them go."
The elder Accino twins exchanged glances before heaving simultaneous sighs.
"They were useful while we had them," Campacino grumbled before waving his hand dismissively. "Agreed."
"What else?" Brindo demanded.
"Our second demand." I raised a second finger as I scanned the flags hung above us. "Considering how extensive your father's… collection is, I'm assuming you have a ledger of all the flags here?"
The Accinos glanced at one another in confusion before Hockera nodded. "Yeah, we do. What about it?"
"Simple." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "You'll be handing it over to our archaeologist, who will be choosing which flags we'll be taking with us, and which your father gets to keep."
A jolt of shock ran through the room, with Carue hastily raising his wing as he voiced everyone's confusion. "Wha—? 'Choose' which fwags we take wid us? Shouldn't we take them all?"
"Eh," I waved my hand dismissively. "They're free to keep the flags of pirates who raided civilians and whatnot. Flags baptized in blood? Those aren't marks of pride, they're symbols of fear and terror. If the Accinos want to keep them as trophies, they're welcome to them." I then directed a glare at the resident bounty hunters. "But the flags of pirates like us? Pirates who only ever went out on the seas for adventure? For freedom? Those we take with us. Those we'll give a burial at sea so that the souls of their crews may finally rest in peace."
I took a menacing step towards the Accinos. "Will there be a problem with that?"
There was a moment of silence as the Accinos all looked at one another and then…
"Hmm, let me think," Lil drawled, tilting her head to the side exaggeratedly. "Will there be a problem? Hell no."
I blinked in confusion at the response. "Uh… come again?"
"You heard her! Take as many as you want! Hell, take 'em all!" Hockera answered.
"AGREED! We hate those damn things!" the twins asserted with mirrored nods.
I… will freely admit, I was taken aback enough that I was actually gaping at them. Salchow responded with a roll of his eyes.
"You saw how often he steams this place, who do you think is in charge of cleaning those damn things and watching for mold!?"
"Your… soldiers?" Vivi guessed.
"Ha! As if Papa would trust them with his 'precious' trophies!" Arbell scoffed. "No. While we love our Papa dearly, and while it's going to be hell to live with him once he finds out you've stolen from him…" She scowled murderously. "I'd rather eat my skirt than spend one more second scrubbing those old rags!"
"AGREED!" her siblings and husband chorused.
Vivi's eye twitched furtively as she regarded the Accino-heirs. "How… heartwarming…" she muttered.
"Ahem!" Hockera coughed into his fist as he regained his composure. "So, anyway, was that everything you wanted?"
"Yea—No!" I hastily swapped my answers as a thought occurred to me. "Now, this might sound petty, but I know that our Second Mate would kill me if we didn't lay down this final stipulation: when we leave here, we act like actual pirates in the process, taking everything in you bastards' coffers. Those are our demands, take 'em or leave 'em."
The Accinos visibly hesitated at the ultimatum, but Lil simply smirked and started to sway back and forth on her feet. "Go right on ahead, help yourselves…" She raised her hand to hide a smirk. "You know, so long as you can find where they are? And get them open?"
"Glad to hear you already approve!"
"WHA—!?" was the general cry of shock as everyone snapped their attention to the door of the flag-room… where Nami was standing with a bulging bag slung over her shoulders!?
"HOW THE HELL EVEN!?" Soundbite demanded incredulously.
"When, exactly, did her talent for thievery reach the same level of impossible as Zoro's non-sense of direction?" Vivi managed through a floor-cracking jaw.
"When I got rid of the emotional weight that was holding me down. I might even owe Kalifa a 'thank you' next time we meet if this is anything to go by… after I give her a black eye, of course," Nami sighed happily. "Aaanyway, sorry for moving early, but I got kinda bored. We'll just go ahead and store this back on the Sunny before going back to wait in the pit. Have fun, you guys!" And with that, she strode off down the hall humming a jaunty tune, followed by all five of our Dugongs, who were all carrying equally loaded sacks.
"Et Tu, Boss?" I sighed wearily.
"Lemme guess, Man's Womance?" Carue quacked.
"Nope," Boss huffed dismissively as he waddled off. "It's just a living."
"Wah wah waaaaah…"
"…Why did I have to open my mouth?" Lil groaned, sinking to her knees as streams of tears fountained down her cheeks.
I shook my head, adjusting my collar as I shoved the shock into a corner of my mind. "Ahem… a-anyway, your father doesn't need to know about all this, seeing as he'd sooner melt me with his bare hands than listen to even a word I have to say. You all meet our demands on the sly, we make sure things go as hunky-dory as possible. With that settled, all we have to do is wait for daddy-dearest and—!"
"W… W-Wait!"
"Eh?" I blinked in confusion when Arbell of all people suddenly blurted out a protest, desperation clear on her face.
"Sister!?" Campacino demanded.
"What do you think you're—!" Brindo started, only to be silenced by Arbell sticking her hand in his face.
"Cram it, all of you," she growled before returning her attention to me. "While we're going behind our father's back, we might as well go all the way. You've shared your demands, now please, I beg of you, listen to our request! This wedding, the wedding that my father is forcing you to safeguard…" She glanced to the side, gnawing her lip before nodding firmly, her gaze full of determination. "I… we, the children of the Accino family… we want you to sabotage it."
Dead. Stunned. Silence.
Vivi slowly raised a shaking finger. "Run that by us again?" she squeaked.
"You heard me!" Arbell hissed. "Make things look like they're working out well for as long as you can, but when it comes down to the clutch? Make sure that this wedding fails. I can understand that Papa is merely concerned with our well-being, I really do, but…" She ground her teeth as she landed her hand on Lil's shoulder, prompting the nearly pubescent girl to glance up at her with a… surprisingly apathetic look. "If he thinks that I'm going to let myself be related to those snakes of the Hiruno Famiglia… that I'll let my little sister marry one of them…"
"Enough, sister."
Arbell flinched as the twins dropped their hands on her shoulders, giving them both a despairing look. The twins hesitated at said look, exchanging a glance before sighing in synch and stepping forward.
"We realize that, as it stands, we are in no position to ask anything further of you…" Campacino reluctantly admitted.
"But left with no other options, even at your mercy..." Brindo continued.
They fell to their knees as one, heads bowed.
"Please," they pleaded in synch. "Take pity on us and grant us this request, so that we might safeguard our family from our father's desperation."
"Ah…" I blinked slowly before leaning back towards Vivi. "IIIII honestly did not see this coming. Suggestions?"
"Umm…" Vivi gnawed her thumb for a moment before shrugging. "Either we manage to pull off the wedding and there'll be nothing they can do, or, in usual Straw Hat fashion, it blows up entirely in a way Accino can't claim we did it on purpose?"
"Hm… and I know what option I'd put my money on…" I mused before returning my option to the Accinos. "We'll think about it. But for now—!"
"FOR NOW, Papa-pyromania's on his way back!" Soundbite barked hastily. "Game faces, EVERYONE!"
Thankfully, the Accinos all managed to scramble back into position just as their father re-entered the room, the heat steadily rising as he strode around us to regain his seat. "My apologies for my extended absence," he grunted. "But I had to make a slight detour to my room to retrieve a new cigar. Still, it gave you more than enough time to think..." We flinched as a blast of steam rose up as a result of the patriarch sitting down. "Meaning that I will have my answer now."
Vivi adjusted her collar with a slight wince before resuming her 'princess-ly' posture. "W-We have to admit, Mister Accino, your proposition does sound… most agreeable to us…"
"But the fact remains!" I picked up. "Vivi and I are merely high-ranked members of our crew! Much like with your family and you, the final decision lies with our captain! Surely you can appreciate that!…sir?"
"…Hmph. I suppose you have a point; it would be the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most," the Hot-Hot man said at last. We started to heave a sigh of relief—until the temperature spiked and the sheer humidity started to crush us as he glared at us. "You have ten minutes."
We couldn't get the hell out of that steaming dodge fast enough, and once we were all out, Campacino took a moment to get his breath back before gesturing with no small amount of haste. "Come on, this way."
I swiftly grabbed his shoulder. "We'll go to the cells alright," I assured him. "But only after a little detour to release your… 'pet pirates', was it?"
Campacino flinched slightly before smirking confidently. "Very well, if you insist… but let me remind you, those poor souls' spirits have been utterly crushed by the New World, so unless you think you can restore their hopes and dreams in less than ten minutes—!"
"Unless I miss my mark, you have Captain Puzzle in a cell somewhere?" I interrupted.
"Ah… yes, why?"
"Get Luffy out of the pit, shove him in the same cell, get the Phoenix's ship and flag ready, and above all else?" I strode past the twin with confidence. "Stop doubting the Straw Hat Pirates."
Campacino was silent for a moment before snorting and walking after me. "Personally, I think you would be best served hauling your raging ego back into check."
-Five Minutes Later-
"Seriously, I can't even begin to thank you guys enough!" Captain Puzzle praised Luffy as he shook his hand vigorously, his crew making the final arrangements to set sail on their flag-adorned ship behind him. "If it weren't for you… hell, I don't even want to consider what could have happened to us!"
"Shishishi! No problem!" Luffy chuckled good-naturedly. "You guys are all pretty cool once you stop being idiots! I can't wait to see you guys in the New World!"
"Same here, but only after we've had a lot of time to train, I assure you."
"Shishishi, yeah, you guys are pretty weak!"
"Hey, no need to be that blunt!"
While this little exchange was ongoing, Campacino and I were standing a little ways away, him gaping, me smirking.
"I believe that you were saying something, Mister Accino?" I chuckled tauntingly.
"But-but-but… how!?" Campacino choked out. "His hopes were dashed! His flames snuffed into little more than cinders! And your captain barely had any time to speak with him! How is this possible!?"
"ROW ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!" Soundbite cheered. "Possible? Who cares? VIVA SHO—!"
"AHEM!" I coughed.
"Aheh… sorry."
Brindo, meanwhile, was busy comforting his brother, who was now gnawing on his collar and crying in exasperation.
"Still…" Puzzle looked past Luffy, looking worried. "Are you sure you're going to be alright? I mean, these people…"
"Mah mah, it's fine!" Luffy said, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. "I don't really get what's going on, but Cross and Vivi said they've got things handled! I trust in my crew, and that's more than enough!"
The other pirate contemplated that for a second before shrugging. "So be it. I wish you all the best of luck! And trust me, if anybody on my crew wasn't listening to the SBS before… but for now. PHOENIX PIRATES! WEIGH ANCHOR! LET'S GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS ICY HELL AS WE CAN GET!"
"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!"
"Oooooh—GAH!"
"Do you see a talking starfish anywhere?" I demanded.
"Spoilsport…" my partner pouted in response.
And so we watched as the Phoenix Pirates' ship sailed off, grateful that our friends were freed, their spirits reanimated - and personally, that the half-remembered x-factor was out of the way.
Unfortunately, I picked that time to remember exactly how double-sided our luck could be. So, with a mounting sense of dread that I hoped was merely well-justified paranoia, I turned to look at the other Accinos, who were pulling themselves together from their bemusement.
"Incidentally… feel free to tell me that I'm worrying about nothing, but all we have to do for the Don is make sure the wedding goes right, right? Even with all of the sabotages attempts that will go on… there aren't any other catches that we should be aware of, right!?"
The way that Campacino and Brindo slowly shared an uncertain look did not give me confidence. "Weeell…"
-Four Minutes Later-
Vivi, Carue, Soundbite, and I stared at the Don with identical masks of exasperation and sheer, undiluted venom.
"So, let's see if we have this right," Vivi began, with a tone about as calm as a grenade whose pin had been pulled. "You have no staff for the wedding aside from your family and mercenaries. No planners, no caterers, no decorators, no musicians, and no priest, because a million and one random saboteurs, both within and without the proceedings, have managed to either scare them off or 'deal with' them."
"Mmmyep," Don Accino hummed, not a care in the world.
"And you expect us to fill dose woles?" Carue asked.
"The priest comes with the church… but besides that, yes," Accino replied.
"I see. Normally, that wouldn't be unreasonable, we have a wide variety of talents amongst our crew that we could use," I said, very slowly and clearly. "But you also told us that the setting for the wedding is a seafaring chapel, which is set between your turf and theirs. And said chapel is only in these waters for today and will be departing before nightfall."
"Precisely."
"In short… you want us to plan, prepare AND safeguard this wedding…"
Accino apparently saw where we were going, as he and his family promptly raised their hands to cover their ears.
Wise choice.
"IN THE SPACE OF THREE HOURS?!"
I dropped my hand into my face with a sigh even as my ears rang from Vivi's irate scream. "Now that's what I call another shoe."
Hornet AN: Now taking bets on how bad the fustercluck is going to be!
Xomniac AN: If you think you might be lowballing, then you clearly are!
Patient AN: Ah, what fun this is…
