A/N- Wow. And yet another year has passed. Figures.
So yeah, disclaimer and all that… you know how I do.
On with the ridiculousness…
Chapter Eleven:
The room was white. Pure white with an unnatural, eerie glow to it. It was a sight extremely strange to the entire fellowship, which now consisted of ten: two men, one woman, four hobbits, one knight, one jedi knight, and one pirate.
They all stared in awe at their new surroundings. Everything was so clean. Two men and one woman were standing over a man sleeping on a table.
"What is this place?" whispered Pippin. Ten pairs of eyes slowly drifted from the tall black man to the shorted blonde man at his side to the beautiful woman facing them. Then to the platter of meticulously cleaned, extremely sharp-looking, silver tools. That was the challenge. As the three people dressed in matching blue uniforms pulled white masks over their mouths and noses, the ten prepared for the worst.
As the blonde man began to reach for a silver instrument, Luke unsheathed a blue light saber, Austin pulled out a small revolver, William threatened with his lance, and Jack held up a large bottle of rum.
The hobbits each hid behind one of the weapon-holding tall people, leaving Winston and Julia looking rather defenseless. They braced themselves for what they knew had to be coming.
Then something entirely unexpected happened. So unexpected was this unexpectable thing that it caught everyone completely off guard. In fact, the unexpectedness of the thing that was so completely unexpectable was, well… quite shocking. The shockingly unexpected surprise that caught every one of them off guard was, of course, very frightening. While anything extremely surprisingly unexpectably shocking happens it is bound to frighten, but this particular incidence of surprisingly shocking unexpectability was unusually frightening.
It was a ball.
One little red and beige, fuzzy, dog-fetching-type ball bounced in out of nowhere. Responding to the unknown threat this little coloured sphere could pose, the four holding some means of defense seized the opportunity. The result of such seizing was a half of a rubber ball, light-saberly toasted on one side, with both a lance and a bullet piercing it, soaked in rum.
"Hey!" exclaimed a male voice from behind them. "That was my favourite ball."
The hobbits, who had believe they were in a safe place behind their less-vertically-challenged companions, turned, cowering, to face the man this voice belonged to.
He was an average-looking, rather scraggly, middle-aged man wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a stethoscope. At his side was a shiny wooden cane.
"HOUSE!" exclaimed the black man.
"Excuse me, sir," began Merry, "but it appears that we aren't in a house, but a room."
"Yes," continued Frodo, "I used to have quite a nice house back in the Shire."
"Oh what a beauty it was," reminisced Sam.
Pippin closed with a solemn, "Wiggity wack."
"How old are you people, ten?" asked the ball man.
"No!" they exclaimed in unison. "We are sixteen, going on seventeen, we know that we're naïve. Fellows we meet may-"
"And they're gay too!"
"House, that is enough!" said the other man in a very sexy Australian accent.
"Hey Chase, they're ten years old and gay. Exactly your type." The blonde man scoffed and turned back to the man sleeping on the table.
"Wait… your name is House… and your name is Chase?" asked Julia.
"Perhaps."
"Why does everyone in this story have such bizarre names?"
House pondered for a moment. "To make it more tacky and confusing."
"Right."
All of the sudden, the blonde, Australian man picked up one of the shiny silver tools and pointed it at a yellow patch on the sleeping man's skin.
"Chase! What are you doing?" asked the woman.
"Cameron, we have to do this!"
"We can't. They're here. It's not sterile."
"No, we have to. He has cancer!"
Suddenly Winston understood. They were going to murder this man because he had the 'cancer'. "No," he whispered to Julia. "We can't let them do it."
"You're right," she whispered back. Then she spoke up to the entire room. "You know what you're doing is wrong. Just because this man is different doesn't give you the right to kill him. What if you had the cancer? Huh? Does that mean we could kill you?"
"Well…" began Chase in a sadder tone, "My dad had cancer."
"I bet you have the cancer now!" exclaimed Pippin. "You're just killing this man to make it look like he had the cancer. You don't think we think that you have the cancer. But listen here, mister- I think it's time for you to think that we think that you think that we think you have the cancer!"
"…What?" murmured the three people dressed in blue with looks of bewilderment.
"That's it!" said Jack. "He has the cancer. Kill them!"
Not missing a beat, Luke stepped forward and decapitated both men standing over the sleeping man they said had the cancer.
"Cool," muttered House with a grin.
Luke was about to give the woman the same fate as her colleagues, when Austin screamed, "No, baby! Don't kill that shagadelic babe!" But it was too late. Luke had already swung his light saber down at the woman. Fortunately, the distraction provided by Austin gave Cameron enough time to almost dodge the strike. Unfortunately, she no longer had a hand. The poor, innocent woman began to go into hysterics.
"No, no," said Luke, attempting to comfort the girl he had just tried to kill. "Go back through that door. There's fake hands a-plenty!" With that, the "shagadelic babe" and House walked back to the previous room to sounds of "It was my touchdown!", "No it wasn't!", and the giggles of a now large crowd surrounding the Gellars.
As the door slammed behind them, the ten companions looked around, again bewildered. These "tasks" were not remotely difficult. Not even at all. If anything, they seemed like a foolish waste of time.
"What's going on?" asked Winston. "How is any of this necessary? We're losing valuable saving-Middle-Earth time here!"
"We have to!" said Austin. "It says so!"
"What says so?" demanded Sam. Austin gestured to Jack, who had taken up residence in the corner with his book, Saving Middle Earth for Dummies. Jack looked up at the nine. "Hello, love," he said, "Don't you worry. It says we're almost there." The travelers let out a sigh of relief.
"So what's the cancer, anyways?" asked Frodo.
"Well," began Luke.
"Er…" started Jack.
"Umm," said Winston.
"I don't really know, baby," Austin finished. "Maybe if we're lucky, we'll find it."
"Yes," continued Julia. "What does this unbelievably attractive blonde man have that the other two don't?"
William began prodding the headless Australian with his lance. "Aha!" he exclaimed after a brief search of all three men. "It all makes sense now." He pulled from underneath the blonde man's pants a small, pink, lace thong. "He wore it underneath his pantaloons to keep it hidden. Look-" he pulled up the sheet covering the sleeping man to reveal nothing but skin where there should have been some form of underpant- "he's not wearing anything there! He must have stolen this magical article from the poor sleeping man."
"Yes," said Jack with the look of a pirate who had just found buried treasure, "The Cancer…"
The group looked back at him and with a sense of conformation replied, "The Cancer!"
Jack, as some kind of sign of respect or reverence to The One, removed the panties from William's lance and placed them on Winston's head. "Thank you," he replied.
A now bolder Winston stepped ahead and led the way through the next door.
A/N- Please god review this. It will take take onlytwo littleseconds of your life, but it will make me very, very happy because it will make me feel like I type not in vain. Pleassseeee!
kthnxbye!
