On with the show.
"If you should go skating, on the thin ice of modern life, dragging behind you the silent reproach, of a million tear-stained eyes. Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice, appears under your feet. You slip out of your depth and out of your mind, with your fear flowing out behind you, as you claw the thin ice." Thin Ice, Pink Floyd
He flowed, he twisted, he turned the highest level of brutality into a dance. He poured himself into each movement, a spinning, dodging, snake-striking, living piece of art.
She watched, spellbound.
It wasn't just a martial arts kata. It wasn't just practicing the deadly skills he'd learned in the course of his tumultuous career as a hero. It seemed a religion to him, as effortless as breathing, a simple faith in the next move, the foundations of art built solidly from the ground up into a masterpiece of movement.
It was a dance. It was worship.
It was deadly and dangerous and dare she say it... (she could scarcely admit it to herself, scarcely think it, let alone say it) sexy.
The staff snapped to full extension as he moved from one stance to another, spinning and twirling like the blade of a helocopter, like the arms of a windmill, like the sun in its slow rise and fall. He stopped finally, his back to her, upright, feet shoulder width apart, staff held across his body, like a weight lifter just preparing to make the second hitch to move a heavy barbell over their head.
"Raven." He acknowledged quietly, never turning to look at her.
Of course he'd known she was there. She hadn't been trying to hide her presence, even though she HAD phased through the floor to get here. There was just something about Robin that made her think he was capable of anything.
"I'd clap Boy Wonder, but I wouldn't want you to get a swelled head." She deadpanned, then inwardly sighed at herself. That was remarkably confrontational, and she hadn't MEANT it to sound like an insult.
He turned to her and grinned that calm grin of his. "Thank you."
Ok, nevermind.
She frowned very slightly. "Robin, we need to talk."
He collapsed his staff suddenly and secured it to his belt, then reached down and picked up a towel, wiping his hair free of the perspiration that dewed it.
"About?" He said after a moment.
She narrowed her eyes, as though trying to pierce through his calm facade into the secrets beneath.
"How did you know about... about my father?" She said finally.
"Ah." He said, his gaze focusing on the ground in front of her. He appeared deep in thought.
He looked up after a moment. "I'll answer your question with a question, Rae. Why would you assume that I'd ask you to help me form the Titans if I didn't know everything about you... including the threat you might represent?"
It took every bit of focused calm and mental training to prevent her emotions from turning the room into a blizzard of destruction. Her face cracked a bit.
"You... You knew... all along?"
He didn't even appear to be startled. "Of course I knew about Trigon. Raven, I was trained by one of the greatest investigative minds in the history of crime fighting. You don't get exposed to that level of professionalism without picking up a few things."
"You knew... and you still..." She seemed to be having trouble breathing, and as usual, she found herself focusing on HIS calm to calm herself. For a moment this irritated her deeply, despite her dismay.
"Before I met you, I made it a point to find out as much as I could about you before hand. There wasn't much to learn, in the normal circles." He grinned quietly. "Unlike my mentor, however, I've learned to be less discriminating about my sources of information. A... friend of friend pulled a few strings and I got what I was looking for, in exchange for a few favors."
"You still haven't answered me." Raven said struggling for calm.
"You still haven't asked me what you really want to know." He said, toweling the back of his neck.
"FRIENDS! HERE YOU ARE! I have been looking low and high for the two of you! Friends Cyborg and Beast Boy informed me that I might find you in the Zone of Dimmness-"
Both of them looked up, with varying expressions of confusion at the bright and happy Tameranian. Robin raised an eyebrow and looked at Raven, who rolled her eyes and shook her head in resigned disgust.
"Is everything alright, friends? You appear to be in the dumps." Starfire's face creased slightly in a concerned frown. She flicked her emerald gaze between her two companions.
Robin smiled and shook his head. "Everything's right as rain, Star."
She blinked. "But rain is so gloomy... I am not sure of your meaning here... is this... what is the word Beast Boy used to describe friend Raven... Sarcastic?"
Robin laughed quietly. "No Star... it's just a saying. Everything is fine."
"Aside from a certain transformational veridian midget who's going to discover a new level of pain and suffering when I get my hands on him." Raven intoned ominously.
Starfire blushed prettily and put her hand over her mouth, wincing slightly. "Oh... my mouth has done it again, I made the bag out of the proverbial feline. I am sorry friend Raven, I asked him why you sometimes intoned things in such a way as to make them appear to be true, yet ridicule them at the same time, and he told me you were being of the sarcastic."
"I never would have guessed." Raven muttered blandly.
Starfire grinned and clapped happily. "Yes, like that! Exactly like that! He said it was a mechanism of defending. Although I am unclear why you would need to defend against your friends-"
Robin coughed politely, covering his mouth with a fist. "Ahem. That's enough getting BB into trouble, Star. He does that enough on his own."
Raven sighed in a subdued, but at the same time, long suffering manner.
Starfire, never one to let something like sticking her foot in her mouth get her down for long, clapped her hands together and floated a foot off the ground. "In any case, I am glad to have found you both! I cannot wait to see all of those beautiful little faces light up when we show up! Do you think there will be many of them?"
Raven blinked. "What are you talking about?"
Robin raised an eyebrow. "Oh that's right, that was today. Remember the orphanage thing, Raven?"
Raven sighed. "Oh yeah. That thing I voted against but got overruled about. This is turning out to be a great day."
Starfire looked dismayed. "But friend Raven, how can you not love the children into pieces? The smiling hopeful faces, the laughter-"
"The kicking and screaming, the biting, the endless noise." Raven deadpanned, resignedly.
Starfire's eyes glowed with her happiness. "I KNOW! Is it not WONDERFUL? I must go and get ready! I have a whole batch of Friendship Pudding to prepare."
Raven blinked as Starfire shot down the hall humming brightly to herself. "Robin, the last thing those kids need is food poisoning."
Robin had the grace to look a bit guilty. "I know. I bought a whole 18 pack of banana pudding on the sly. When she isn't looking, I'm gonna switch 'em and hope she doesn't notice the difference."
Raven rolled her eyes. "Thank god for naive aliens."
An awkward silence filled the space between them. She wanted desperately to ask him the questions that lurked in her mind, but at the same time, she was afraid of how he'd answer.
Robin rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. "Raven, if this is going to be such a trial, you don't HAVE to go."
His words hurt, slightly. While the prospect of entertaining several dozen rugrats didn't rate high on Raven's list of things she absolutely HAD to do in order to lead a fulfilling life, she wasn't completely heartless. Her main issue with going was her current mental state. Robin's words and deeds last night, coupled with his revelations today had frayed the edges of her usually iron control. She felt her emotions lurking below the surface, bubbling up like bits of meat and vegetables in the simmering stew that was her subconscious.
Still, though she got the feeling that Robin wouldn't have thought any less of her for begging out, such an action might hurt the feelings of Star and the others.
Not to mention the fact, when one was the half demon spawn of an Eater of Worlds, it often paid not to be too predictable.
"No, I'll go. I think I have a book of Grimm's Fairy Tales in my room somewhere. The kids might enjoy being read to."
Robin grinned at her. "Try not to scare the kids too much, Rae. I've read those stories, and I have a feeling you aren't the sort of girl who goes in for the nice, edited versions."
"Flatterer." She deadpanned.
Of course it was a huge success.
Kids love heroes, super heroes especially. What closer to a role model do you need? Kids aren't stupid, put something fake and plastic in front of them and they'll see right through it, through the disguise and the guile of adult trickery.
Kids know when they are being fucked with.
Just as sure as they know that Santa Claus is real, that the Easter Bunny really does exist. That there is a monster under the bed. In the closest. In the sewer. So it stands to reason that there are Heroes. There have to be.
It's only fair.
Real heroes care about children, protect them, die for them. The Teen Titans were nothing if not real heroes.
Starfire's Friendship Pudding was a huge success (even though it did taste a little off to her, perhaps she should have used more mustard and less vanilla extract?) and Star contented herself with flying children around the grounds, to their delight. At least, until one of the larger kids got motion sick. The mortally embarassed boy took Star several hours to convince that it wasn't his fault, which effectively ended Starfire's First Round the Orphanage Flights.
Beast Boy was having a blast, of course, since he was damn near a kid himself. Plus, horsie is so much cooler if your horse actually IS a horse.
Even if he was a horse of a different color.
Cyborg was probably the most heartwarming to watch. The gentle giant was mortally terrified that he might accidentally hurt one of the small wards of the state, so the care and concern he took in playing with those kids not intimidated by his metal encased form touched the hearts of all of the adults watching.
Plus, he made a great jungle gym.
Raven had a small group of children gathered about her, not too close, but close enough that the circle felt intimate. She had started reading them the REAL version of Red Riding Hood (it was quite a bloody tale, in all honesty). The kids loved it. They loved it so much, in fact, that Raven was starting to feel a little pressed in. Her eyes flickered from the page, catching suddenly on A yellow cape and red uniform. She blinked.
Robin was all alone.
No, that wasn't right. She blinked, narrowing her eyes, her words faltering slightly.
Robin was carrying someone on his shoulders. She giggled and hugged him closely, then started waving her hands back and forth in ever widen circles.
An odd... someone.
It was a child, but a strange child. She was short, but dressed in clothing better fitting a teenager with a severe Goth fetish, black fishnet stockings, large gaping holes torn in the knees and at varying intervals all over the thighs. She had one large clunky boot with chains on it, the other foot was bare, half of the foot sticking out from a hole in her stocking. Short torn up black skirt, black leather jacket, worn and faded, with patches from various countries stamped all over it, some of them several decades old. Raven found she couldn't focus closely on the face, it appeared like a weather worn 16, then a fresh faced young 10, then an androgyneous, ageless look. One eye was bright green, no crimson, no PINK? The other was equally startling, catching the light in a myriad of different ways that defied explanation.
What really caught her attention as well was Robin. He was so SERIOUS.
"Ms. Raven? What's wrong?" A tremulous voice caught her attention and she turned back to the small children watching her. She blinked, realizing she'd droned off. She turned her attention back to the book and finished the line she was on.
"Er... and they all lived happily ever after, the end."
The children smiled and clapped dutifully, and she smiled, a very small smile. She turned her gaze back to Robin, who was still dealing with the strange, monkey-like antics of the girl on his shoulders.
"Does anyone know who that girl is with Robin?" She asked, looking at the children surrounding her. They looked at Robin and then back at her blankly. Most of them shook their heads.
She stood up, curious now, despite herself. Something about the strange, unknown girl with Robin had caught her attention, some ineffable tingling warning on the hairs on the back of her neck told her that something IMPORTANT was happening. Robin walked out the door of the dayroom, girl on his shoulders.
She stood up. "I have to get something to drink, kids. I'll... I'll be right back."
The children, wiser than she thought, knew this was an excuse but forgave her anyway.
Besides, watching her phase through the wall was worth it.
"SoOoSOoSOoo. HoW's TRiCKs, Mr. PiLLar-Man?"
Raven caught the conversation as it was beginning and hid out of sight, every effort spent on masking her presence. The girl's voice was odd... fluttery and flighty but changing intonations from one moment to the next. It hurt her head to hear it.
Robin glanced upwards. "About as good as can be expected. How have you been?"
She giggled and hugged his neck. "I pLaYed HidE AnD SeEk WiTh THe WhiTE DaYSTar whO BeCAmE A FalLEN KnigHT... BuT I ThINk hIS 2-FaCe GirLFriEnD GoT JEalouS. SHE iS VEry SAd oF HiM. I WIsh TheY CoULD Be TOgETher FOrEveR anD EvEr."
She frowned. "I LOsT My DOg AgaiN. I wAs GoinG To AsK My BRoTher NoT BROtHeR To HelP LOoK For HIm AgAIn But HE Says HE's ToO Busy."
"I'm sorry. I hope you find your dog." Robin sounded sincere... this conversation was hopelessly surreal. White Daystar? Fallen Knight? Two-faced girlfriend? Who was this girl?
"CaN YoU HElP Me?"
"I'm sorry, Milady. I'm busy. Your brother has given me duties to see to as well."
She giggled. "I knEW ThAAaaAT. I JUst Put It IN mY oTher POCkEt. I ALWAys DiD LikE You, Mr. PilLArmAN. You ARe So MUch MorE POLite ThaN DeSIRe. HE/She AlWAys LoOKs DOwn HiS/HEr NOsE At Me BEcAUse I GEt AlL MuddLED FUDDLed DUDDled."
Robin smiled very slightly then. "I aim to please, Milady. Tell me, where did you last see your dog?"
She frowned thoughtfully, closing her eyes in concentration. "UmmMMmm... ThIRd StAr FrOM ThE RiGht SaiL ON TiL MOrning... Or MAyBE The 7/11." She looked sad. "I MiSREmEMBEr."
She began to cry. The tears dripped down her cheek and onto the floor, where they rolled around like little droplets of quicksilver before slipping down the hallway and out of sight.
Raven blinked. What. The. Hell?
She changed moods immediately, clapping her hands with a sudden idea. "I knOw, Mr. PiLLArMan! If I pOP Out ONe OF My EyeSies YOUuUu CAn FiND My DOg!"
Robin looked startled, then shook his head vehemently. "No... No, I don't think that's a very good idea, milady. I wouldn't dare. There are some truths too terrible even for me."
She giggled. "THaT's VEry FUnnY. YoU ArE FuNNy, Mr. PillARMAN. ThAT WAS NoT VErY PiLLAr of YoU."
Robin got a far off look, staring in her direction. Raven hid behind the corner, but she probably needn't have bothered. Robin's gaze was very far off.
"I haven't been... "pillar" in a long time."
"dO yOU MIss It?" She sounded genuinely curious.
"At first. At first I couldn't imagine what He was thinking. I didn't think I could pull it off. He changed alot after He... died... you know. Well of course you know. I thought maybe he was sending me away because I reminded him of what he used to be."
"He WoUlD NevER Do THAt. BRotHEr NoT BRothER RemEmBerS thOSe WhO SErVE FaiTHFuLLy. YoU SAVEd HIm FROm GETTing AlL BUrnt Up LIkE A MarshMaLLow."
"I know that, but..."
"He SeNT YOu BEcauSe He CAReD AboUT tHE CAn'T CrY GiRl. He TruStS yOu."
Robin smiled sadly. "I don't know if he should, milady. I haven't had the most stellar of track records, you know." He sighed. "In any case, things have... changed."
"CAn'T CRy GirL?"
He nodded, solemnly. "I know I shouldn't. It only makes... makes what I might have to do harder. I TOLD Him I wasn't up to it." He sighed. "Those we observe we are doomed to change... but what they don't tell you, milady, is that those we observe change us."
The mismatched little girl hopped down from Robin's back and smiled up at him. "I DoN'T KnoW mR. PILLarMan. ThE BuTterFlY LoOKs GoOD ON YoU. YoU MakE A SMAsHIng SonGBirD."
She put up her hands to either side of her outstretching her arms like an airplane and ran in circles around him, buzzing like an engine. Robin looked as though her comments struck him deeply, but when she ran around him out of Raven's view she never came back around his thin frame. Raven gasped. She just disappeared... it was as though she had never been.
Robin stood in quiet solitude for a moment, then glanced around quickly. After a moment's hesitation he walked back into the day room.
Raven was left with far more questions than she had when she had followed him out.
She also left with an ever deepening suspicion that her fearless leader was not the man he appeared to be.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That was AWESOME. We definately need to do that again some time. Did you see-"
"I KNOW! With the thing! And then Star-"
Beast Boy and Cyborg went on and on about how great their trip was, even over the sound of the engine and the the wind whipping through her short lavender hair, Raven could make out the gist of their excited conversation. For a moment she felt a pang of envy at their free spirited enjoyment of the events of the last few hours. Sometimes she wondered what it would have been like to wear her heart on her sleeve, as the saying went. Such thoughts she inevitably quashed as soon as they came, however.
Such thoughts were dangerous.
Today however she indulged herself just a little bit more than usual, allowing herself to feel at least a little warmth at what she had done for those kids back there. Sometimes she felt that there was just no point to it all, that inevitably the sins of her birth would vastly outweigh any good she could accomplish in this grey world. It was nice to see a tangible difference in the people she met, see the lives enriched by their presence.
She mused over the odd meeting between Robin and that strange girl. There was something strangely sacred about the memory. She found herself slightly in awe of the Boy Wonder's quiet acceptance of the macabre and strange child's company. It was obvious the two had known one another, although what had she kept calling him...
Mr. Pillarman? What did it mean? Eyes and songbirds, Brother not brothers and whatever other strangeness. It was as though they had been speaking in code... a code that Raven was becoming more and more convinced held the secret to the mystery that was the Boy Wonder.
At the same time, she didn't want to confront him about it. He hadn't done anything wrong, hadn't betrayed their trust. Indeed, calling him on it would have been a broach of his privacy, and with the odd exception of entering her room without her permission yesterday, he'd always respected her privacy, unlike SOME teammates she could mention. Even his recent violation of this had been, ultimately, in an attempt to make her feel better, an act which confused her.
No, her silent witness of the strange meeting woud remain a secret, for now. At the most basic level she TRUSTED Robin. He'd saved her life, been willing to give his own life too often for her not to do so. This in and of itself surprised her. By her very nature she was not the trusting sort. Somehow he'd slipped past her defenses, crept on her slowly, until, however small, he had claimed a tiny portion of her heart.
She shivered involuntarily at the prospect. The streetlights that she passed to either side mirrored her unease at the thought, flickering on and off suddenly.
She began her litany of calm.
"HEY RAVEN!" Beast Boy shouted out to her, cupping his hands to enhance the noise. "WE'RE GONNA STOP BY THE PIZZA PLACE, YOU WANNA JOIN US?"
She sighed. With how tired all this emotional hooplah was making her, she just didn't feel like dealing with another public place. She shook her head wearily. "NO THANKS."
Beast Boy looked slightly disappointed, but shrugged. "SUIT YOURSELF. HEY ROB! WHAT ABOUT YOU?"
Robin's helmet oriented on Beast Boy, then shook in a negative manner. "I'M PRETTY TIRED, BB. THOSE KIDS WORE ME OUT. I THINK I'M GONNA TURN IN EARLY."
"GEEZ, WHAT A COUPLE OF PARTY POOPERS. ALRIGHT YOU TWO, DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO." Beast Boy wiggled his eyebrows and winked at her, his one jutting fang poking out mischieviously in an exaggerated leer.
"GROW UP." Raven growled.
She caught up to him as he was preparing to go up the elevator, his helmet under one arm. He held the small elevator for her and she stepped in, the doors closing quietly behind them.
"Robin..." She started.
He looked down at her. He didn't have to look far. She wasn't all that much shorter than he was. The Elevator wasn't terribly big, however, and Raven suddenly realized that they were MUCH closer than she normally liked to be to anyone.
She faltered, then cleared her throat and pressed on resolutely.
"About earlier... You knew about... about Trigon and you still asked me to join the Titans?"
"That's right." He said quietly.
She frowned very slightly, studying his face intently. "Why?"
He pressed his lips together in a fine line, then leaned his weighed on one foot, crossing his arms.
"Honestly? At first... it was to keep an eye on you."
Outwardly she gave no sign of disappointment at his words, but a very faint echo of something... something approaching disappointment trickled through her. Still, this was an answer she could accept, even if it wasn't one she liked. It made sense.
But he continued.
"At first, I wasn't sure what to think, about you I mean. I was told a lot of different things about you, about where you came from, who your father was. I finally decided that the only opinion I could trust about you was my own, so I decided to get to know you better before I made any decisions."
She looked at him, her features very faintly troubled. She was suddenly very aware of just how close he was. She was afraid of his answer, but at the same time, she NEEDED to hear it.
"And... what did you decide?" Her voice sounded strange to her, hoarse and heavy with... with what?
He caught her gaze with his and smiled very slightly. She wished she could see his eyes...
What the hell was WRONG with her!
"That the worst critic you've ever had was you. That you were wrong. You aren't a monster, Rae. I've been around enough, seen enough real monsters to know that. That you are quite possibly the most noble human being I've ever met. You know how I figured that one out, Raven?"
She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.
"Because despite how hard you suppress and push down your emotions, the one thing that always betrays you isn't anger, or fear, or even depression."
"It's your heart, Rae."
All hell broke loose. Her emotions immediately began jockeying for position, screaming at her to each be heard in turn. Happiness was giggling like a mad woman, Courage was YELLING at her to DO something, Timidity had hidden herself in a tiny ball, fingers in her ears trying not to hear anything.
Anger was shaking with rage and railing at the bars of her cage, her four eyes glowing with hatred and madness.
The lights in the elevator went out suddenly, the elevator jerked to a stop and Raven found herself jostled into the Boy Wonder, who caught her before she could stumble to the floor.
This did not help.
"A-Azarath, Metrion, Xinthos... A-"
"Raven, calm down. Relax. It's ok... just focus on my voice. It's all right." His voice was soothing, like a cool balm in the darkness of the elevator. The emergency lighting didn't go on (it figured). It was easier now that she couldn't see him.
Her breathing hitched. The elevator shook violently. She felt like she was having a panic attack.
"Breathe... just breathe Rae. It's ok. Relax."
"Azarath, Metrion, Xinthos, Azarath, Metrion, Xinthos, Azarath, Metrion, Xinthos..."
"Shhh... Shhh..." He whispered.
Gradually her breathing stilled, calmed and quieted. She opened her eyes and saw nothing. It was still dark.
He let go of her shoulders and she felt him step back.
"Are you alright now?"
"Yes." She said calmly. "I'm sorry about the elevator."
He chuckled. "It's just an elevator, Rae. Whatever is broken, we-"
"Can be mended?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"You frighten me, Boy Wonder." She whispered.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want to hurt anybody." She continued, almost to herself.
"I know."
"I don't want to hurt you." Her eyes began to adjust to the gloom. She could make out a vague shape in the darkness.
"I know."
"Robin... I-"
"Rae... it's alright. I know."
"How do you know?" She snapped. "I don't even know."
"Somethings you just have to know... you know?"
She blinked. Huh?
"Okay... that was... dumb."
A sound started in the dark, a wierd, lilting sound. She looked around for where it was originating from, then suddenly with shocked realization, she realized it was coming from her.
She was laughing.
Then he joined her.
Two lost souls, laughing in the dark.
The tension washed away like a bad dream, the lights came on, and the elevator started with a jerk.
She fell against the wall, holding her aching sides. He collapsed onto his rump and kept laughing.
Despite herself, despite the craziness of the day and all the strange events which had taken place, she suddenly, inexplicably got the feeling...
That it was all going to be alright.
