The Morning After that Thing You Said

"Are you mad? I would never dream of courting Penelope Featherington. Not in your wildest fantasies."

She knew Colin would never have said those words if he had known she was right behind him. He wasn't a cruel person. He would have worded it so that it had not cut so deep.

But he hadn't and now she couldn't stop hearing them. It had been quite an evening. She had known that things were tight, but Cousin Jack was supposed to change that, not make it worse. But Colin had come to the rescue. He had told her she was special to him. He should have added as a friend. She was on cloud nine until she had discovered Eloise in her room and her secret uncovered.

They had disagreed before, but this was different. Hurtful things had been said on both parts and Penelope had taken too long to go after Eloise to apologise. Perhaps if she had been quicker then she would not have overheard Colin.

She supposed it was her own fault. She had idolised Colin from the moment she had met him. However much she had dreamed that he would one day see her as more than a friend, she knew the possibility of that was slim. So, she had cherished any scrap of attention he sent her way.

So, when he had told her. "I will always look after you Penelope. You are special to me." Her heart skipped a beat. She had never felt special to anyone before. It had been the best night of her life. At least for about ten minutes. Now here she was, crying herself to sleep.

The next morning was no better. She had not slept well, and Cousin Jack had left during the evening. And to make matters worse Colin had shown up to make sure he had gone. She had stayed in her room and left her Mama to deal with whatever mess Jack had left behind.

It turned out that Antony Bridgerton had gotten engaged. Again. She wasn't sure if her Mama was thrilled that the engagement happened at her ball or annoyed that her ball wouldn't be the highlight to end the season. Perhaps she could use the distraction to drop off a final issue of Lady Whistledown to the printer.

She took the back stairs and set off down the street. No one would give her a second look, but she wore a disguise anyway. At least she still had her Lady Whistledown paper even if she did not have her best friend or Colin. Perhaps she could find a way to get some funds back into the household without her Mama knowing where the money came from. It was highly unlikely that Cousin Jack left them swimming in money anymore than her Papa had.

There was no knowing if Eloise would tell anyone that she was Lady Whistledown, but it would be best to be prepared if she did. Although right now she was not sure how she could be more unpopular. Dropping the newsletter off to the new printer, she headed back home deep in thought.

So deep in thought was she that she did not notice that she was being watched a short distance from home. She had ended a season before with no interested suitors, it was just it had never been announced so publicly that she wasn't courting material. Still there were bigger woes in the world than her bruised pride.

"Penelope?" Of course, the one time she didn't want to be noticed she was seen by the very person she was avoiding.

"Colin." She really wasn't in the mood to act happy to see him when she was still stinging from his words last night.

"What are you doing out without a maid?" Then he noticed what she was wearing. "Why are you dressed as a maid?"

"Nobody will notice me anyway so there is no need to bother a maid." She turned to continue on home.

"I noticed." He fell into step beside her. "Is everything alright Pen?"

"Fine." She managed a weak smile. "I hear your brother is engaged again."

Colin chuckled. "Yes. I think he got it right this time. Seriously Pen, what's wrong?"

"You didn't need to tell everyone that you would never court me in anyone's fantasies. I know I'll probably end up a spinster, but you didn't need to advertise for me." Her home was just ahead. "You don't have to escort me home. I'm almost there."

"Pen, I'm so sorry." Colin looked as though he had lost his puppy. "They were too interested in you for my liking and so I said I wasn't interested so they would leave you alone."

"They would have anyway." Penelope knew it would take more than one dance with Colin Bridgerton to make her desirable. "Please pass on my family's congratulations to your brother." Before Colin could say anything more, she slipped inside so he could not follow.

She made it back to her room and got changed before her Mama or sister could see her. This season could not come to a close quick enough for her. Her Mama has already given up manipulating any possible suitors in her direction. Now if she could just convince her to allow her to choose her own clothes.

Her Mama had not noticed that she had snuck a green dress in amongst all of the yellow and occasional pink. In fact, she probably thought it was one of Philippa and Prudence's old dresses. While actually striking up a business arrangement with Madam de la Croix regarding Lady Whistledown had been beneficial for them both.

"Penelope!" Hopefully her Mama hadn't noticed her absence, although she had become rather good at creating reasons for not being where her Mama expected her to be.

"Yes Mama." She braced herself for whatever her mother was going verbally hurl at her.

"You have a visitor." Portia looked stunned. Almost as though she couldn't believe anyone would visit her youngest daughter. "He never mentioned wanting to see you when he was here earlier."

"He?" As far as she knew the only person who had visited earlier was …"Colin?" Why would he be here? She was fairly certain they had said all they needed to say to each other not twenty minutes ago. She could not very well refuse to speak to him without having to explain to her Mama why.

Taking a deep breath, she summoned up as much dignity as she could muster and headed downstairs. What could he possibly still have to say to her? For once in her life, she was not excited to see him. Her Mama on the other hand had gotten over her shock and was thrilled that he was there to see her (at least in her opinion) most unpopular daughter.

When she got downstairs, she saw him pacing in the foyer like a restless tiger. "Mr Bridgerton." What reasoning would he give this time?

He was clearly shocked that she wasn't using his given name as she usually did. "Miss Featherington. I wondered if I could speak to you in private?"

"That would hardly been proper." Penelope wasn't certain her Mama would consider it improper. She would just be relieved a Bridgerton male was there to see Penelope.

"What I said last night was unforgivable." Colin did not seem bothered that Portia would hear all of this. "I let other's opinions matter when they should not."

"You do not owe me an explanation." She wasn't going to play the lovesick fool any longer. She had wasted too much time pining over Colin Bridgerton. She didn't believe for one moment that the attention of other gentlemen suddenly made her appealing.

"And yet I feel compelled to give you one. I did mean it when I said you are special to me." He reached for her hand. "I don't want to lose a friend because of a moment of stupidity."

Friend. That's right. She didn't count as a woman, just as a friend. "You have plenty of friends. One less will not hurt your popularity." She turned to head back upstairs, ignoring her Mama's stunned expression.

"I guess Lady Crane was wrong when she said you would never forsake me." Colin hadn't moved and he appeared to have forgotten her Mama was still there.

"You have taken her word over mine before. Why should today be any different." She had work to do if she was to make sure her family survived the poor judgement of her Father and Cousin.

"Avoiding me will not be possible forever. Especially considering how close you are with Eloise." He thought he was so clever. Apparently, Eloise hadn't revealed her secret yet.

"Have you not heard? Eloise is not speaking to me." Somehow, she managed to keep her expression neutral even though her heart was breaking, and she had never felt so alone. "Perhaps you should speak to your sister. She did not listen to my warnings either." She continued upstairs. Even though she hated lying to both Colin and Eloise, she wasn't completely to blame.

It would only be a matter of time before her Mama came demanding an explanation. She and Colin had put on quite the show for her. In Portia's eyes, having Colin Bridgerton as a friend was better than nothing. She wasn't so sure. All of those looks that he held her captive with, chipped away a little more at an already low self esteem once she stopped basking in them.

The truly sad part was that the only time she felt good about herself was when she was being someone else. Lady Whistledown or even Lady Whistledown's maid. She had been more open and upfront with Colin when she was writing to him and yet when she was standing right in front of him, she might as well have been invisible for all the notice he took.

A knock at her door indicated her Mama had come for answers. Taking a deep breath, she opened the bedroom door. She had expected her Mama to have a look of disapproval on her face, but instead she saw compassion. "He told you."

Portia nodded. "He appears distressed that he has hurt you. Devastated that he has lost your friendship. Confused over your falling out with Eloise." She sat down on Penelope's bed. "I have watched you pine over that young man for years Penelope. You have idealised him, soaked up any attention he sent your way."

"I was a fool. I put him up on an impossible pedestal that he could never live up to. He does not care for me. At best he pities me." She sank down on the bed beside her Mama.

Her Mama shook her head. "I do not think that is true. If pity were all he felt, he would not have tried to explain himself. It would not have bothered him those other gentlemen took an interest in you when he danced with you. And he certainly would not have confronted Lord Featherington on your behalf. He is a good man, and he cares for you."

"I know he is a good man. I also know that I was not meant to hear his comments. It is not in his nature to be cruel. But I am not going to fool myself into thinking I will be anything other than a spinster or that he is interested in anything other than friendship in my regard." Even if anyone else were interested in courting her, she could never give her heart to another.

Even if her Mama were right and he cared for her, when he found out she was Lady Whistledown, he would never forgive her.

"Still, I would not give up on him just yet." Portia was being unusually maternal. "Men are notoriously slow in noticing a good thing when it is right in front of them."

"How long am I supposed to wait? I realise there is not a line of suitors waiting to ask for my hand. Besides, Colin made it perfectly clear that he would never court me, not in anyone's fantasies." She just did not see any point in torturing herself any further.

"And why are you and Eloise not on speaking terms?" Trust her Mama to have picked up on that particular piece of information.

"She did not listen to me when I warned her that pursuing Lady Whistledown would get her in trouble and then she found out I had lied to her and kept a secret from her. She no longer wants anything to do with me." She sighed. "Ironic is it not? The Bridgerton I want to avoid turns up on my doorstep and the one I do not want to avoid will not speak to me."

"The two of you are too good of friends for that to last for long." Portia patted her hand and left Penelope to her thoughts.

She was exhausted. It was tiring arguing with Eloise and whatever was happening with Colin was not any better. This had all become one big mess. How had everything gone so wrong? Would it be possible to leave the Ton before the season ended? She doubted her Mama would allow her to miss Antony Bridgerton's wedding.

Being Lady Whistledown made it so easy to be brave. Being Penelope Featherington had brief flickers of moments being brave, but nobody really noticed those. Yet everyone noticed Lady Whistledown.

There had been so many times she had wanted to share her secret identity with Eloise. She had planned all along to include Eloise, but then she had become so obsessed with Lady Whistledown that Penelope did not want to disappoint her by revealing it was her.

Still, there was no time to feel sorry for herself. She had to get at least some of her family's debts settled. She would start with Madam de la Croix. It had come to her while her Mama was attempting to comfort her. She would simply say her Papa had left some money hidden when he died. She couldn't say Cousin Jack had left the money otherwise all of the people he had tried to con would assume it was actually their money. Madam de la Croix would know where the money had really come from but would be convincing in spreading the fabrication.

There might not be a way of ensuring her family's financial future, but she could buy some time for now. Grabbing her cloak and some money from her hiding place under the floorboards she snuck out. As expected, Madam de la Croix was only too happy to repeat the story Penelope was providing. She had also created an outfit for Penelope that was more to her taste and not her Mama's.

Next was the butcher and the grocer. She also brought enough food to last the week. She had settled their debts and was almost home when once again she encountered Colin Bridgerton.

"You have been busy." He had never looked so serious. "Why did you not tell me?"

If he had spoken to Eloise, he could know that she was Lady Whistledown. He could mean something else. "Why did I not tell you what?"

"Any of it." He took hold of her hand. "The debt your papa left your family in." He lowered his voice. "That you are Lady Whistledown."

"What difference would it have made?" She tugged her hand from his. "Other than give you a reason to despise me. You made it perfectly clear on several occasions that you felt Lady Whistledown was to blame for Marina deceiving you and her current situation. Eloise blames me for whatever happened with her and Theo Shaw. Not to mention the trouble with the Queen because she would not stop trying to find out who Lady Whistledown was."

Clearly Colin had thought that Penelope would meekly admit to everything. But she was angry at forever being ignored and overlooked. It had sparked something in her and now she had started and couldn't seem to stop. "What was I supposed to tell you? That Cousin Jack was meant to change everything for the better. That my papa left us in such a debt that mama had to let go of all but one of the staff?"

Penelope Featherington riled up was a sight to behold. She just had not realised it. Colin could not

believe he had not noticed before. When Eloise had informed him that Penelope was Lady

Whistledown, he had been furious. Then he recalled what Penelope had said about warning both him and Eloise. Then he felt ashamed. He and Eloise had put Penelope in the position of doing something that had clearly distressed her to save them from themselves. "I do not despise you. I could never despise you." Even when he was furious with her, he did not despise her. His sister on the other hand still felt slighted although not as unforgiving as she had been when she informed him of Penelope's secret identity.

"Your sister does." Although Penelope could understand Eloise's feelings, she still felt that her friend could not comprehend that not everyone enjoyed the same privileges and adoring family as she did.

"Eloise knows she has to accept some of the blame. Give her time." He had reminded Eloise of Penelope warning her that her continued acquaintance with Theo Shaw was dangerous at their Mother's Hearts and Flowers ball. Eloise herself remembered that Penelope had told her time and time again that finding out who Lady Whistledown was, would not be a good idea.

"Time isn't always the solution." It certainly had not been for her. She would never be anything more than a friend to Colin. No amount of time would change that. There was no point pretending otherwise. She moved passed him to sneak back into the house through the side entrance to await the grocery and meat deliveries.

"What has time not healed for you." He was still following her. At least they were out of sight of any onlookers or passers-by.

Well, she had nothing more to lose. "I have loved you from the moment we first met. Even though I may have fantasized that one day you would finally see me for who I really am and love me also, I never truly thought it would ever come to fruition." She had never thought that she would ever be brave enough to say such things to his face.

For a moment Colin stood in front of her, stunned. Then he took her face in his hands and leaned forward, brushing her lips with his. Stepping back, he searched her face for an answer to an unspoken question before wrapping his arms around her and kissing her with such passion that she gasped for breath.

Penelope was convinced she was dreaming. But her dreams had never been this vivid or made her heart beat this fast. It was as though she couldn't get close enough to him. This was what she had been missing out on?

Colin took a fraction of a step back yet not letting go of her. "I owe you an apology. You deserve so much better." He looked at her amazed this truly inspirational woman had patiently listened to his complaining that he had no purpose when she had been earning a living and by what he had witnessed today, covering debts the men in her family had left behind.

"What do you mean?" Did he regret kissing her? Was this some sort of cruel joke to get back at her for what she had written as Lady Whistledown.

"I did not realise the burden that your father and Cousin had left upon your family." He had been surprised to see Penelope sneaking out again after he had spoken to Eloise. Curious to see what she was up to this time; he had followed her only to find her settling her family's debts with different merchants under the ruse that her father had hidden funds away before his untimely death.

"That is why you kissed me? Twice?" Penelope couldn't believe this. Could her day really get any worse?

"No." Colin couldn't believe the mess he was making of this. More than anything he wanted to kiss her again. "I kissed you because I wanted to. But you deserve better than me kissing you secretly behind your home when you are obviously dealing with so much concerning your family."

He wanted to kiss her? Had she actually heard him correctly. The drama with her family she had just accepted as normal. Hardly a day passed when someone in her family didn't cause chaos in some way. "What else was I supposed to do? I know Mama is trying to keep it from us, just how bad it has gotten. She does not need to know where the money came from. It is only a short-term solution. Neither Prudence nor I have doweries so that reduces the already non-existent suitors if that was even possible."

So, things were even worse than he had realised. And without realising it, he had added to her woes by telling a crowd of people whose behaviour was far worse than anything he had done, that he would never court her. Right now, he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather court. Especially if he could continue to kiss her soft lips. "I have been so busy trying to find my purpose and rambling on to you about it that I never noticed you had bigger problems. I am sorry I was so selfish."

"You had no way of knowing. I had no wish to share them. Even Eloise does not know." It had been so frustrating when Eloise would rant on about being paraded around for prospective suitors, when she had been allowed to delay her debut for a year. Not to mention Eloise was far more likely to receive an offer of marriage than Penelope was.

Colin took hold of her hand. "Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help." He couldn't believe he had not noticed how beautiful she was. Or perhaps he had and just didn't want to admit it. Just the previous evening when he was dancing with Cressida Cowper, he could not keep his eyes from drifting over to Penelope. The hurt look on her face had pierced his heart at the mere thought that he was responsible for that look, even if he was trying to protect her.

"I do not think there is anything to be done." She knew she could not keep covering her family's expenses otherwise people would start asking questions. Especially her Mama. As it was, she knew Portia had been trying to keep their situation from her daughters. Only Penelope had noticed how stressed her Mama had been. "I should get back inside. Nobody knows I have been out."

"I expect I will see you at Antony's wedding." He didn't want her to go inside. He wanted her to stay with him. He really wanted to kiss her again. "Something tells me my mother and Lady Mary will be throwing this wedding together as quickly as possible."

"I do not think this bride will be changing her mind at the altar." Penelope had seen the way Antony and Kate looked at each other. As though they could not bare to look away. She had not missed the way they used any excuse to touch, be it a brush of a hand or a nudge of a shoulder.

Colin chuckled. "No but they may argue their way down the aisle." His heart skipped a beat when she managed a shy smile. When had Penelope Featherington started affecting him this way?

"I will be needing my hand back." Penelope was enjoying the warmth of his hand holding hers. Any moment now she would wake from this dream.

He hadn't realised he was still holding her hand. It felt so natural to do so. Reluctantly he let go and watched her head inside. Good grief, he already missed her, and the door had only just closed. His words the previous evening coming back to haunt him. "I would never court Penelope Featherington." No, but he would marry her. If he could win back her trust.