[With the Titans]
Breakfast time is the only time everyone see's each other, even though most of them can't even eat or hold down food. Beastboy picks at his veggie breakfast burrito while Starfire mixes together her cereal with mustard in it. Robin stares at his black coffee looking down at his still bruise reflection. The bag of peas from the night before still on the counter. Cyborg eats his flavorless toast while working on some type of electronic. No one says a word to each other. The place feels off without Raven, it never did before. When she would go to Titans East or even on a trip the four of them knew she would be coming back and would know it isn't for good. But now staring down at their food with their hearts occupying their stomach it's hard to ignore the missing teen. Robin snaps out of his daze first looking around at the group. Starfire meets his gaze for only a second before she looks away.
She has been riddled with guilt since the moment she found out Raven knew about her and Robin. Raven didn't even tell her she wasn't hurt or mad at when she walked in on them having sex. She just sat there quiet like she usually does unreadable. Now she feels more guilty that she dated Robin out in public, she thought she would be able to help Raven get used to the idea but she didn't mean for that to be the last time she saw her friend. As she thinks now she can't remember the last thing she said to her. It makes her stomach twist into knots as she tries to remember. Nothing comes to mind. All that she can think of is seeing the blood on the floor and the words written in black letters on that man's shirt. Red X being there brings up more questions, was he involved? He was running too Raven not away from her. There are so many questions with no energy to find the answer.
Beastboy hasn't been able to go anywhere without the Egg except for missions. He sleeps with it, eats with it, even sits it up on the toilet when he showers so that he doesn't feel lonely. He doesn't know why he has grown so attached to it. She only held it for thirty minutes before she left. Sometimes a joke comes to mind but without her to roll her eyes at him or make any snarky remarks he feels like they would be wasted. He looks over to Robin and wants to glare, wants to hate him but his kind nature begs him not to. He listens to it, partly. He knows who is responsible.
Cyborg hasn't been able to look at Robin without wanting to back hand him. He cannot believe that they listened to him when he told them not to go look for her. Partly blaming himself for not going to find her anyway, he ignored his gut feeling that told him he needed to find her to listen to some asshole kid who can't even stay loyal to his girlfriend while living in the same place as her and the other girl. He looks at Robin looking around at everyone wanting to say something but not know how to find the words and he scoffs, as if words are going to make this better. Words won't bring his little sister back.
Cyborg is the first to get up and leave he heads to his room to do more tinkering with more parts that he can scurry through. Robin feels a little bit of relief having Cyborg not here, he can't tell when Cyborg is going to say something rude or just straight up hit him, not that he blames him at this point. The only thing Robin can think of is the images he saw of Raven's body. Lifeless on the floor bruises everywhere. He help but wonder what she was feeling. Was she scared? Did she hope they would come find her. Did she not know why her powers were not working properly. He can't stop thinking about it. That's when he looks up and see's the Beastboy has left with his new Egg buddy. It's just him and Star he reaches over to place his hand on her but she pulls away swiftly locking eyes with him.
"Star...I know how you must be feeling and I...I don't know how to fix it" He says to her, his heart drops further into this stomach as if he thought that was possible.
"You cannot. This is the unfixable. I don't wish to be your girlfriend anymore." She says bluntly
"Star, no..I-What-why?" He finally pushed out she presses her lips together softly and looks at him, she almost feels bad for breaking up with the guy she has loved for years but now she cannot look at him without thinking of what she and him did to their friend. To someone they loved.
"I feel as if I hurt friend Raven because I was with you. You did not do the caring when she needed it. I can't help but think you would act the same if it were me in her position...and I don't like the feeling of sadness it brings me" She explains, his heart seems to physically hurt as she says this. How can everyone hate him so easily. He has been trying to explain to everyone that he does feel bad. He is hurting to. He lost someone to. No one seemed to care, a part of him didn't mind. It was punishment for how he treated her. Looking back he wants to punch himself in the face. She came to him needing comfort and he turned her away and made her feel like it was her fault. Then she died he needed a way to cope with how a human could take the life of one of the most powerful people he knew. All that came out was blame, towards her.
He sits alone at the table watching Starfire walk away into the dark hallway, back to her room where she spends most her days dealing with the guilt and sadness of losing one of her best friends.
"It's okay guys" Robin says into the empty room. "I hate me to"
[Raven's POV]
They will find me soon, this is what I tell myself as I try to claw the ground to get away from him. I don't know why but I can't use any of my powers to teleport or to get out of here even to lose control of my emotions and unleash hell upon this guy. My weak attempts at fighting him have left me exhausted and him unscathed. The feeling of his hand on my throat and the erection pressing against my leg is nauseating. He tightens his grip and brings his mouth close to my ear, I feel his hot breath on my neck and sense of panic rushes through me.
"I am going to have so much fun with you" He whispers into my ear, I can hear my whimper come out as the panic rises wish for anything but what I know he is saying. He moves his lips onto mine and smash them into mine. I feel his hand caressing my breasts and trying to find my nipple to rub on. I wiggle as much as I can which isn't much with his strong hand on my throat. I feel the sudden need to cry but I don't. I won't let him know how much I feel right now. His lust and need rolls of him overwhelmingly. As his hand tries to reach for more he yanks me up instead slamming me hard into the wall of the concession stand. I fall to the ground my vision dark. I can't open my eyes but I can hear him. I hear him as he chuckles lowly and leans over me. His hand moving around my thigh up to my butt. He drops his hand to my center. I hear his heavy breathing. He gets up and I hear a camera shutter but I still can't open my eyes. I must be knocked out and my soul self is hearing and feeling everything. All I can think about is his voice.
"I am going to have so much fun with you" repeats in my head over and over as the fear grows.
My eyes fling open suddenly and I release a scream. I can feel my soul self spreading taking over everything in the room. With another scream I hear things pop and snap. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to push out the image of Conner smirking at me as he presses his erection against my leg while I bleed. I feel strong arms on my shoulders, my eyes slam open and I look frantically around the room my eyes landing onto Jason. His eyes wide with concern and his lips forming words I cannot hear. He is pulling me down, I must be levitating. Finally I reach the comfort underneath me and the deafening noise fades along with my soul self. My breathing is heavy and my mind is full of all the wrong thoughts.
"Are you okay?" He asks as I sit up on the couch. I feel around my stomach for the painful holes that occupied it last time I was aware. I don't feel anything, not even a little sting of pain, I must have been healing myself.
"How long have I been out?" I ask he shrugs and looks over to the table where I stack of white Styrofoam containers sit.
"Well, that is all three meals for about a couple days. I am just glad to see you moving around. Thought I was gonna have to bury a body." He deadpans, I let a weak smile spread across my lips.
"What happened?" I ask, I feel like he knows what I mean. I know what happened with Conner I mean how am I alive.
"I thought you were gone, I panicked attached a note to Conner's shirt and teleported you away. I don't know why I did it. I think I wanted some hope that you would be okay and that I just needed to get you out of there. When We got here I felt your pulse. I stopped the bleeding and you did the rest." He says I nod slowly taking in the information, my mind is still foggy and words are taking longer to process than they normally would. I swing my feet over to the floor, my back aches and so does my shoulders. From not moving them for days most likely
"What was on the note?" I ask he pauses a looks down to the ground for a moment before looking back up at me, his green eyes burning into mine.
"That he killed a Teen Titan" He says my jaw drops for a second but I quickly close it trying to think about what happened while I was out. He left that note thinking I was dead and someone had to find it.
"Does the world think I'm? Did the team find.." My voice trails off as tears quickly blur my vision turning everything into a watery mess. Jason puts a reassuring hand on mine and squeezes. It does help knowing that even while everyone thinks I am dead I am not alone, I had someone by my side the whole time making sure I was okay. It feels weird to me still knowing that person was Jason, the man behind the Red X mask who has literally shot me out of the sky before.
"I am working on fixing it but I don't know how, it's made the news. Photo's were leaked. It looks like you really were...gone" He pushes out. He adjusts himself on the coffee table uncrossing his legs and sitting up. He looks like he hasn't been sleeping with small dark half circles under his eyes stubble forming on his jaw.
"Photos?" I ask, that must have been the shutter noise I remember.
"From his phone he took pictures of you...you were clothed but you looked dead" He explains, I furrow my brows together as my heart drops into my stomach.
"J...why did you specify that I had clothes on in the photos?" I ask, I am not sure I want to know the answer, he looks down at the ground and his jaw clenches. "Did I have clothes on when you found me?"
"He was..."he trails off and a tear falls down my face, I all of a sudden feel uncomfortable in my own skin. In my clothes. Existing. "I stopped him before he was done but...I didn't get there in time"
"You saw it?" I ask
"I walked in on it. I had to stop him" He says, knowing it happened is one thing, knowing that Jason witnessed it, saw me that way brings more shame than I know what to do with. My entire being is vibrating with anger. A loud popping sound causes Jason to jump up looking around. It was a lamp. Another pop and I am trying to center myself. Jason walks closer to me kneeling in front of me and squeezing my hand.
"I still feel where he put his hand" I say putting a hand on my neck softly. I feel where his hands once were. I can almost feel his hot breath on my ear again and it sends chills down my spine and caused me to shutter.
"I broke his jaw" Jason says, I laugh and shake my head, another tear falling onto my hand.
"I wouldn't expect any less from you" I deadpan
"I was so mad when I saw you on the ground. I wanted to kill him but I didn't want his punishment to be so short. So I broke his jaw and made sure the Titans would know what he did or tried to do so that they could arrest him. I was just so...angry" he says tightening his fist at the memory. I cover his fist with my hands rubbing small circles into the top of his hand with my thumb.
"I'm glad you were there for me...my team wasn't" I admit. It hurts to admit it though, I would have thought when the first shot went off they would have at least tried to make sure I was okay or that I was on it making sure everyone was okay. They just left me. I wonder when they realized something was wrong. Was it when the second shot went off and I was still no where to be seen? Was it when they found Conner? When did they know to look for me. Did they look for me?
I have too many heart wrenching questioning and made up answers going through my head. I don't even realize I am staring off until Jason snaps his fingers next to my face taking me out of it. I look at him and smile weakly trying to convince him that I am okay. He rubs his eyes again trying to push the sleep back but I see how exhausted he is.
"Why don't you sleep, I will uhh...I don't know there isn't really much I can do" I offer, he smiles weakly and sits down next to me on the couch leaning back.
"I am not tired" He lies I can hear how tired he is, I can feel it almost. I guess my empathy is working alright.
"Why don't I believe that?" I ask his weak smile falters and he pushes back the cuticles on his fingers. Fidgeting with them while avoiding my gaze. Whatever the reason he must not be used to it, or he just doesn't know how to talk about it. The Wayne boys aren't really good at expressing their feelings.
"I was...you almost did die Rae. I was terrified that you were going to die and I don't know it scared me I am not ready to...I don't know. I'm not ready to lose you" he admits still fidgeting with his fingers.
"I don't understand how I almost died. I don't understand how he got the drop on me that easily. My powers were...not working with me" I admit, the whole situation is confusing to me. My powers should have been enough to ward him off, so me hitting him with them and it not doing anything is not right. Jason nods at this though as if he has already thought about it.
"That confused me as well, but I know you must have tried because when I got there he already had some bruises forming on his face from you no doubt. So I went into digging. I followed Batman and Robin to the police station to question him. He had a Medallion, one that I guess can protect human wearers from magical abilities. So your magic was basically useless. Although I am guessing it was supposed to completely get rid of your powers. You must have been strong enough for it to just dampen them" Jason explains, that makes a lot of sense. I chew on the inside of my cheek nervously.
"No it would have knocked them out...if my powers weren't getting stronger because I was emotional. I was scared...and that boosted them enough for them to be dampened and not gone" I admit coming to realization.
We fall into a comfortable silence. That does make sense to why my self healing didn't kick in until Jason brought me here, I needed to get away from the radius of that damn thing. I think about how Robin but be feeling right now, if he knows about the medallion he has to know that I didn't just roll over and die. I chew on the inside of my cheek again trying to focus my emotions so that they don't go out of control. I feel so many things but I cannot let any of them win. Not the anger or sadness I feel of being legally dead to everyone I love. Everyone except Jason. He doesn't say anything either, he stopped messing with his hands and is now trying to stay awake. I throw a wave of calmness at him and allow him to settle. I see his eyelids grow heavier and I see him fight to keep them open. I put a hand on the side of his face and rub his temples slowly. He smiles at me as he struggles to keep his eyes open again.
"I missed you sunshine" He says sleepily. I smile and rub his head further until I can see his breathing gather a rhythm, he's asleep. He must have been exhausted keeping an eye on me and hoping I wake up. I think it's sweet he stayed here, and ordered food for me even though he didn't know I would wake up. I stand up from the couch, setting Jason down to lay down where I was sitting. I should stay near him, keep him calm and allow him to truly sleep without waking up and worrying about where I am. For now I need to figure out how I am going to tell my Team I am alive, without letting them know about Jason. The last thing any of us need is Jason being alive too coming to light.
[Back at the tower, Robin's POV]
You would think I was covered head to toe in some type of infectious disease with how everyone in the tower avoids me. They see me coming down the hallway and the turn the other way to get away from me. Not that I blame them. I walk down the hallway trying to get to Beastboy's room. I need to one by one win back the love of my friends, or at least make them hate me less. I knock on the door and wait for any type of answer but I don't get one.
"Beastboy...it's me Robin. I kind of want to talk to you about something" I say into the door. I feel so stupid talking to a wall but it is worth trying. I get no response I knock again and wait for a reply. "Beastboy I just want to talk"
The door opens suddenly and Beastboy stands in the doorway, the egg underneath his arm his eyes are narrowed at me.
"No offense dude but what could you possibly have to say to me right now?" He asks
"I just want to check on you seeing how you were handling everything, I know that you have been taking this kind of hard" I say, there is truth to my words. I do want to make sure my team are handling this in a healthy way. All of them seem to be in the same stage of anger. All of them are directing that anger towards me.
"Taking it kind of hard?" He repeats
"Well yeah, I mean everyone sees how attached you have become with the egg" I say He nods almost in understanding
"This is the last thing that she held. She only didn't have it when she died because of you" Beastboy spits, my stomach churns for the tenth time today. How can they hate me so much? How long are they going to only blame me when Conner is the one who actually killed her?
"B, I didn't know it was going to happen or you know I wouldn't have said what I said or told you guys not to go after her. If I would have known I would have been the first person to find her! I still had a lot of love for her you know that" I say he turns around running his hands through his messy unwashed hair. I hear his scoff and he throws the egg to the other side of the room.
"You could have fooled her" He mutters
"I was an asshole we all already know! I am trying to fix this right now! Why are you guys making that so hard?" I ask he turns around hastily his lips in a snarl and his eyebrows creased.
"How can you fix it?! Are you going to bring her back to life? Are you gonna find her fucking body so we can had a damn funeral or some closure? NO? THEN FUCK OFF" He screams at me. The door closes in my face but I don't walk away. Just stand there in shock for a minute or two. Did Beastboy, the fun loving vegan just yell at me to fuck off? I force out a breath and walk off but I stop when I realize what door is a couple doors down. I slowly walk towards it punching in my Override code for the locks. The screen turns green and the door opens. The smell of lavender and books hit my nose. It's how Raven smelled. With her perfume mixed together and a hint of earl gray.
I walk in looking around the room. It is just as it was when she left. Her journal set on her nightstand. Even in death I would never read it. I used to sleep in this room...have sex in this room with her. Now it is all a memory as is the person. I sit down on the bed, it has always been super comfortable. I don't know what mattress she has she has never really talked about something like that and I never asked. I get up and walk into her bathroom looking at all the face washes and shower stuff she used when she showered. I suck in a breath and blink. A tear I didn't even feel in my eyes drop down my cheek rolling off of my chin. I wipe it away but another one follows.
"I miss you Rae" I say out loud knowing she can't hear me. The room just feels so much bigger without her in it, even though she took up no space at all. The evening sky leaks through her windows which take up a whole wall on the other side of the room. I look out them knowing she saw this view every night, it helped her meditate and stay calm. How she was able to stay calm in the worst of situations I will never know. That is control on another level. I go back and sit on her bed grabbing one of her pillows and holding it close to me, I breath in deeply taking in what is left of her here. Another tear falls and I release a shaky breath.
"Please come back" I say into the pillow and I mean it to, I want her to come back. I need to tell her how sorry I am for treating her the way I did. The way no one deserves to be treated. She once was my best friend, and I changed all that when I asked her to be my girlfriend, and then it changed for the worse when I realized I couldn't handle her emotional sophistication. She was always too good for me, and that will never change.
