Disclaimer: Sunrise


Tokyo, September 2020

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"Lacus, are you all right?"

"Eh? Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, you seem different now. Or is it just me? Maybe because we haven't met in a few weeks?" Cagalli asked.

They were back at Athena's Tea House, where Cagalli used to work part time. Athrun and Lacus were helping Cagalli with her study for the upcoming Upper Secondary School Graduates Proficiency Test this November, consisting of Japanese, Math and English, and the optional World History, Geography, Contemporary Society, and Science and Daily Life. Since Athrun was from science class and Lacus was from social class, both of them could pretty much help Cagalli with all the subjects. While doing this, Athrun and Lacus were able to review their previous studies, so it was like two birds with one stone for them. Though not every week, since Athrun and Lacus had their club activity and competition. Also, Cagalli had to go to Sendai for her work, too. They all ended last month, so the gang were gathering again for the study session, which was today.

Unusually, Athrun was a little bit late so it was only Lacus and Cagalli at their usual table. And from the time Cagalli saw her today, Lacus looked like she was a little bit off. The Lacus she knew was always bright and cheerful. She was always like sunshine, making people around her feeling calm just by looking at her. Well, she was a beauty from the start, so it was to be expected.

But today, Cagalli felt like the shine on Lacus' face was falling a bit. The smile she used to show now looked more like a frown. Looked like something had happened when she was away in Sendai.

"I'm okay…" Lacus said with a small voice. But her facial expression and voice didn't sound convincing.

"Is that so?" Cagalli decided to let it go. If Lacus didn't want to talk, then Cagalli wouldn't want to force her. "But if you need someone to talk to, then feel free to tell me. Though I might not be able to give you any advice or such, if you want me to just listen, I'm here." Cagalli said, because she knew that feeling when you want to talk but don't have anyone to talk to.

Hearing her, Lacus was lost in thought. It did feel suffocating and she actually wanted to talk to someone about it. Athrun was close with Kira so if she asked him anything, Athrun might take sides. But Cagalli could be coming up with something new since she is new to them, and so she wouldn't judge.

"If I tell you, will you promise to keep it a secret… well, for now at least?" Lacus tried.

"Who will I tell? The guys at the factory won't be interested."

"You might tell Athrun…"

"He didn't know?" Cagalli thought Athrun and Lacus were close and they shared everything.

Lacus was shaking her head. "I haven't told anyone about this." Lacus' face turned back into a cloudy expression. "You remember that I had a concert last month, don't you?" Lacus asked, to which Cagalli nodded. "After the concert ended, the teacher called me. She said a teacher from a musical school in Austria was watching our performance, and she offered me a scholarship to Austria."

Austria. Cagalli took her sweet time to remember where Austria was and its significance with what Lacus was doing. When she finally recalled that there was a city for all musicians, singers included, in Austria, she asked, albeit hesitantly, as she didn't grasp the full problem here.

"So, you are going to accept?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"There is something that holds you here," Cagalli guessed. "Is it Athrun?" Since Lacus said before that Cagalli would probably tell Athrun, so she assumed that Lacus didn't want Athrun to know.

Despite the situation, Lacus let out a small chuckle. She forgot that people still easily assume she had a feeling for Athrun. "No, we are just friends." Pausing a bit, Lacus hesitantly added, "There is someone… that I like… Athrun knows who it is, and if he knew about me going to Austria, he might nag me about it, or tell that person when I'm not ready to tell him yet. I'm not even sure if I want to take the offer."

"Why? Isn't it a good opportunity for you?" From what Cagalli had heard, Lacus was a good singer and had the ability to sing professionally.

"I… I'm not ready to say goodbye yet…" Lacus said. "Back then, just before I got the chance to tell him how I feel, someone else confessed earlier. Now I finally got the chance again. If I go, then I'll lose him again…"

"How so?"

"Because… I can't see him again."

Cagalli was about to say something, but stopped herself before she could open her mouth.

Thinking back about her time with Kira at the foster care, the situation was kinda similar, but reversed. Kira was in the same position as Lacus, while she was the one Lacus would have to say goodbye to.

Even now, Cagalli still thought that giving up Kira to be adopted was the best choice for him. By letting him go, Kira would be living with a caring family in a better environment, he could go to school, his foster parents would support him to do anything he wanted to do. He would live a better life. That was one of the reasons why Cagalli let him go back then.

That's why, if she was in the place of that guy—the one Lacus likes—she would probably encourage her to go, because Lacus could find so much more instead of staying here. Sure they could be together, but Lacus would lose a lot of opportunity she might get.

But if the situation had been reversed, if Cagalli had been the one that was adopted, she would definitely have declined with all her might, and would rather be with Kira. So she could understand Lacus' feelings.

Playing with the straw on her drink, Cagalli looked down, lost in her memories and forgetting that she was with someone else.

"Cagalli?"

Looking up, she saw Lacus' worried face.

"You look like you were thinking about something sad," Lacus said, concerned.

"It's okay, I have actually been in a similar situation as you. I was just remembering that day." Cagalli smiled sadly.

"You left someone? Or someone left you?"

"Someone left me, but it was for his own good." She explained simply. "I don't want him to miss the chance to see the world beyond him, an opportunity that he could achieve only if he left me, because I can't give it to him. If I was the one whom you like, I think I would tell you to accept the scholarship. But I know if I'm in your shoes, I wouldn't want to leave without him." Pausing a bit, she chuckled nervously, "I'm sorry, I must be making you even more confused to make a decision, right?" She felt bad for telling her own experience, when Lacus was the main topic here.

"But if you decide to go," Cagalli added solemnly, "Then I will suggest you tell him how you feel."

"But... I don't know yet if he likes me too or not. If he doesn't, then I would gladly leave because there would be nothing holding me down anymore. But if he does like me... I would want to stay with him."

"I can't say anything about his feelings, of course. But like I said, if I were him, I will tell you to go to Austria. Because there are a lot of opportunities there, and I want you to succeed in your career."

"Even if you like me, you don't want me near you? You are okay with us being separated?" Lacus asked Cagalli as if talking to 'that person'.

"If I ask you to stay, that would be selfish of me, because I would be holding you down. And I don't want that. I want all the best for you, because I like you. So if you can get the best education there, then that is what I would choose for you." Cagalli responded in the same manner. "It's not like you'll be separated forever. You guys will see each other again for sure, right?"

"You are a really nice person after all, Cagalli," Lacus said, smiling at her.

"Not at all." Cagalli scoffed. She still remember all the tantrum she threw in front of her grandparents for persuading her to let Kira go. "Well anyway, that's how I feel, I guess. And I suggest you tell him your feelings because I don't want you to have any regret after you go there, or when you finally go back here."

"Do you have regret with the one who left you behind?"

And Cagalli's face turned into a vulnerable sadness that she couldn't even try to hide.

Cagalli had never talked to anyone about Kira. Even Andrew never really asked her about it since she herself was reluctant to open up. Now, she was not directly talking about Kira, but Lacus' last question just brought her back to the thing that she would regret forever.

"If he likes you too, then when you come back home, you can surely meet each other again. And you can finally be together again. If you don't tell him, even if you come back, you might find him with someone else again, and regret your decision forever, because you don't know that there might be a slight chance that he was waiting for you too. If you want to be saved from that question from your life, you better ask him from now before it's all too late." Cagalli told her, trying to muster a reassuring smile while her insides were twisted with old regret.

Since for me, I don't think I will ever see him again.


Mito, 2013

"Why can't Kira live with me?" Cagalli asked with a high voice.

A couple months after his brother was adopted, Cagalli's grandparents from her mother's side found her and took her in their care. They lived not far from her old home, so the area was still familiar to her, just slightly in the far side of the suburb. Her grandparents were mending their own land, farming fruits and some vegetables that was famous in Ibaraki, just like the neighborhood. Her parents used to take her and Kira there, so they were quite close.

"It's something that you cannot possibly understand in your age Cagalli," her grandmother tried to reason with her. "The family who adopted Kira could be a couple that has been waiting for a child all their life, and they finally got a child, that is Kira. They must be really happy when the court finalized their adoption process, that their dreams finally can be true. Now do you want to take that happiness away from them?"

"But Kira is my brother! There are a lot of children who would gladly be their son!"

"I know, but there are systems and law. They are thinking that both your parents can't take care of you, so you are being cared for under a system. Even if we are your family, there are still a few processes that we have to go through so we can be your legal guardian, so your mother cannot take you away again and do you harm."

Hearing that, Cagalli froze. "Do you mean mother and father might be coming back to take me?"

"Baa-san, you are scaring the child," her grandfather nagged in.

"I'm sorry but that's still a possibility…"

"Why? Mother only hits us and never cares about us anymore! Why would she want us back? She doesn't need us. We are useless children! She said so herself!" Cagalli ragged. How dare she? Even if her parents come back, she would rather spend her entire time in foster care rather than go back to them.

"This is still too much for you, but don't worry, Cagalli. We are going to be your legal guardian, and we won't let Via to harm you anymore. It must be hard with all she did, right? I couldn't believe my own daughter lost herself and turned into an abusive mother," she hugged Cagalli and rubbed her hands across her back.


"I'm sorry, I'm late," Athrun's voice pierced through Cagalli's mind and pulled her out from her own memory to present time. Shuffling hurriedly, Athrun sat beside Cagalli, joining them for their study session.

"It's okay. We were just talking while waiting for you," Lacus replied. Glancing at Cagalli, she winked, reminding Cagalli what she had promised before, to not tell what they just talked. She nodded inconspicuously.

"Oh, right, Cagalli, would you mind if we bring another person to our study session?" Athrun suddenly asked, looking sideways at Cagalli.

"Are you talking about Kira?" Lacus asked, a little bit startled since she just talked about him with Cagalli.

"Yeah. I was actually planning on asking him today, but he said he had somewhere to go. He asked me to come all the way to his house, saying he needed his parents to believe I was going with him. I don't know why he was being secretive though. That's why I'm late today–"

While Athrun talked with Lacus about his friend, Cagalli was frozen on her seat, from the time Lacus let out Kira's name.

No, she screamed in her mind, to keep herself down. It must be someone else. There was no way he could so conveniently be Athrun's friend, so inconceivably close to her.

"But we will be busy with the Festival preparation for the next few weeks, right?" Cagalli heard Lacus pointed out something to Athrun.

"Well, that's true," Athrun said. "Maybe we should postpone our study session until the festival is over," he sighed. "Are you okay with–Cagalli?" Athrun asked, and suddenly he realized Cagalli's face was looking kinda pale. "Are you alright? You don't look so well," he added, concerned. She seemed alright when he just arrived before.

"Yeah... of course, I'm okay. Sorry, I just spaced out a bit." Cagalli tried to shake it off. "Who is this… Kira you are talking about?"

"He's been my friend since Junior High School, and is now in Judo Club. Ah, but since the inter-high had ended, he must have retired now. He was always busy with practice for that inter-high, so we couldn't invite him. It paid off though, he got second place for his last tournament."

It wasn't him, Cagalli thought, for sure. A strong person who could win second place at High School level Judo Inter-high couldn't be his Kira who was a pacifist, crybaby and a bookworm who couldn't fight at all. She knew it was too good to be true, yet somehow Cagalli still felt disappointed that it wasn't him, that she was reminded once again she couldn't see Kira again.

It still could be him, a small part of her heart whispered to herself. But she shook that thought off too. If she got her hopes up, and it ended up someone else, it would hurt even more in the end.

"You will come to our school festival, right? I will introduce you to him later there," Athrun said again, bringing her back again from her musing.

Cagalli just hummed in response while slightly nodding her head. Get yourself together, she chanted inside her mind, don't think about it too much and don't get ahead of yourself.


Lacus was reviewing what she, Athrun and Cagalli had learned today, and preparing for her class next week. During the time, she was reminded of what Cagalli had said.

I don't want you to have any regret after you go there, or when you finally go back here.

She was right. Lacus didn't want to have any more regret. She already felt that once, she didn't want to experience it again.

Her hands clammed up. It was not like she was going to confess to Kira tomorrow. But just thinking about confessing, it was dreading after all. Not knowing what that person was thinking about you, thinking about all the what-if's, all that endless possibility.

Shaking her head, Lacus tried to sort out her thoughts. First, the scholarship, then Kira, and then… anything that follows the result of those two. Baby steps, Lacus told herself. She still had a couple of months before sending her answer to the committee. She also had the school festival to prepare. Her last year of High School would be really, really busy.

When she was done and ready to go to bed, her phone suddenly dinged with a notification. It was a Lime message from Athrun, asking for her time, and that he had a request for the day of the festival. Lacus felt a little bit off since Athrun would usually just call her when he needed something. After she asked for details, Athrun didn't reply again right away.

Thinking that Athrun would eventually reply later, Lacus proceeded with her night routine while waiting for Athrun's response. Meanwhile, she thought about her conversation with Cagalli. It seemed like the one she talked was someone bery dear to her. Could it be someone Cagalli likes? She thought. If so, then Athrun might not stand a chance, she pondered for a while. She wanted to know who it was, but the sad memories could make Cagalli reluctant to open up to her.

Eventually, as she expected, Athrun sent her a reply. But Lacus didn't expect that the request was such a thing that could make herself flushed bright red and screamed in the middle of the night.

"ATHRUN ZALA YOU PERVERT!"


Kinda just a filler chapter, but maybe you can guess what's going to happen after this. Hope it wasn't too confusing describing what Cagalli felt.

Happy holiday to all who celebrate. If you are stuck at work on holidays (I certainly had experienced it myself), cheer up, and I hope you'll get your deserved time off soon.

See you next chapter,

Cheers~