A/N: I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter, but I really didn't want this weekend to start without an update, and with all the school tumult, this was really the best I could do. Your reviews on the previous chapter were incredible. Honestly. I can't thank you enough. Please keep them up. You have no idea how much it means to me, especially in those crazy weeks where my only wish is to get this semester over with. I know you share this feeling with me.
Warning: angst ahead. I hope you'll like it still. Have a good weekend everyone.
Chapter 12
There is no future, there is no past…
The words suddenly came to life with new, terrifying meaning. Old, enchanted words, a mantra that ever since became some sort of a ghostly lullaby, whose source was long forgotten, and its words turned out to be all that mattered. But now it was all rushing back. Panic, fear, helplessness; all those things she saw happening to her loved ones, but never to her, never personally her. It felt as if the entire world was coming to an end, as if there was no hope, as if there would never be hope.
She wasn't used to be so hopeless, but what the hell was she supposed to do? How she was going to handle all that? Did she have AIDS? Did Mark? When he told her several weeks before that she might be pregnant because they weren't careful, neither of them even considered the other risks. She didn't see a reason to. Both of them were too aware of the consequences to even try and risk it all those years they lived apart. But now… Did Mark have AIDS, because she gave it to him unintentionally? A shiver ran through her as something much more terrifying occurred to her. Did Libby have AIDS…?
She was sitting on the small sofa out on the balcony. It was somewhat chilly, but she didn't care. It helped her to clear her mind. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about it no matter how hard she tried. Silent tears were streaming down her face now, after so many hours of holding back. Mark was finally asleep. Poor Mark. He was so shaken by the whole thing. It brought even more tears to her eyes, knowing that she hurt him so much, after she swore that she'd never do that again.
He stared at her blankly for a moment until her words sank in. "W-what?" he stammered eventually, suddenly very pale.
"Andy is my ex-husband," she repeated. Every word stung. Her head was reeling. She was in a nightmare, she knew, but it felt as if she wasn't going to wake up any time soon.
"But… Oh my God, Maureen…" he murmured, slowly wrapping his arms around her. She knew he had already figured it out; just as fast as she did hours before, when her eyes first met Andy's at the Life benefit.
He was crying. She could feel the warmth of his tears against her skin of her neck, soaking through the material her nightshirt. Her heart shattered into peaces as she listened to him cry. It was quiet, as if he was trying to hide it from her, but still audible. She laid her head against his chest, her hands gently rubbing his back. For a moment it wasn't clear to her who was holding whom, who was comforting whom. The nightmare had started all over again. Only this time it wasn't about a friend or someone they knew. It was about them.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered into the chilly night air.
"Don't. You have nothing to be sorry about." She turned, startled, and saw Mark standing there, leaning against the sliding door. He was wearing his coat, and he held another coat in his hand as if he knew she'd be there. "Couldn't sleep?" he asked lightly as he came to sit next to her. If he noticed her tears, he said nothing about it. All night she tried to stay in control. It was the only thing that prevented her from falling apart right then and there at the ballroom. She couldn't do that to Mark. He had to learn the truth when they were alone. He deserved that much.
Only as he laid her coat on her shoulders, she realized she hadn't yet answered to his question. She shook her head. He wrapped his arms around her, gently rocking her as if she was a child. She turned to face him. "What the hell are we going to do?"
"First of all, we need to stay calm. Panic won't do us any good."
She looked at him incredulously. "Stay calm? Mark, we might have AIDS!" How could he even say that? Didn't he remember Collins, and Roger, and April…?
Mark shook his head. "We might. No one said that we have. Tomorrow morning we'll go to the hospital and have this thing checked. I'll call your parents and ask them to bring Libby home as soon as possible so we can have her tested as well."
Libby. God, what if her daughter, her beautiful baby girl, had… She felt her fury grow stronger. She never hated him as she did at the moment. "If he gave her AIDS, if my little girl is sick because of him, I swear to God I'll-"
"Hey, don't," said Mark, gently laying a finger against her lips. "Don't swear until you know."
She wanted to protest, but then she realized that he was right. She looked at him, his blue eyes wise and calm. She wished she could stay calm as well. Her nerves were running wild. It was such a cruel coincidence that Mark's best friend in Life was someone she hoped was out of her life for good. "Did he… you were close. Did he tell you when he got it?"
"I already thought about it. We talked about it but he never got into specific details. I assumed he didn't wanna talk about it, you know, like Roger was at the time," he said sadly. Then he looked at her carefully, and she knew right away that he was getting himself ready to tell her something he knew she wouldn't like. "If he had AIDS when he was married to you, whether he knew it or not, and if he gave it to you, you would have known."
"What makes you so sure I would?"
"Libby."
Her daughter's name brought more tears to her eyes. So did the promise she made for Mark on New Year. I don't want her to ever get hurt. And then she realized that Mark was wrong. Libby was just the reason Andy might have had AIDS back then when they were married. "Maybe this is just it," she said.
Mark looked at her confused. "What?"
"He didn't want me to have her. Maybe he knew something I didn't. Maybe he knew we shouldn't have her because it was too risky."
It took him a moment to take this in, but then he said, "Okay, I guess that's also a possibility, but why would he risk it in the first place? If he was HIV positive before he married you and he knew it, why hiding it from you?" Then he seemed to think of another thing. "Besides, and that was my original point, you would have known if you had it when you became pregnant. I mean they must have done blood tests and stuff, they would have told you if something was wrong."
She didn't think about that. It actually made sense, but she was too numb to really take it all in. And there were some more urgent things to think about than delve into the past. "How are we going to get Libby tested?"
"I'll think of something. Don't worry about it. Just… don't freak out, okay? We don't know anything for certain. And you're not alone, I'm not going anywhere."
His voice was so calm, soft, comforting. What did she ever do to deserve him? She laid her head on his shoulder. "Thank you. For not running away screaming. I know I would."
"No, you wouldn't," he said, taking her hand. His hands were cold. There was a pause, and then he said, "When you first told me what he did to you, I told you that it didn't sound like you to marry someone like that in the first place. I tried to imagine him so many times, but I… and now that I know it was Andy…" he sighed. "I just don't get it. He seemed like such a great guy."
"He is, when it serves his purposes well." She raised her head to look at him. New tears were visible against the faint moonlight, but he didn't cry. "I'm sorry you had to find out that way," she said seriously.
"Maureen, I told you. There's nothing you should feel sorry for. This is not your fault. I don't want you to feel that it is. You didn't know."
"I just… can't believe it's happening to us again." She'd had enough of death, of pain, of loss. She knew Mark had had enough of it too. More than enough. They couldn't go through this again. It wasn't fair.
"We'll be okay. We've got guardian angels up there, remember? They wouldn't want us to join them so soon." He kissed her hand and smiled at her, in spite of his tears. "Come on. Let's go back inside because it's fuckin' freezing out here. We need to get some sleep."
"I don't think I'll be able to sleep," she said, but let him pull her back into the apartment. She could feel the adrenaline slowly fading away, but she was still restless. And furious.
"Want me to tell you a bed-time story?" he asked, not really looking at her, as they walked down the hall back to their room.
Hmm. It sounded somewhat familiar. "I was thinking a lullaby."
His hand remained on the doorknob. He turned to look at her, somewhat confused. "Didn't we have this conversation before?"
She grinned wickedly and walked past him as he opened the door. "It's payback time, Cohen."
As they got to the hospital several hours later, her mood changed again. The panic from the night before came rushing back. It felt as if they were running out of time. A receptionist directed them to one of the doctors, and Mark explained the situation to him. A nurse in bright pink uniform took them into a quiet examination room at the far end of the ER, where the hustle of crying babies, screaming drunkards and beeping machines was hardly audible.
As the nurse was leaving with their test-tubes, the doctor Mark was talking to before walked into the room. "Is everything alright in here?" he asked, moving towards the bed she was lying on. "Dizzy? Nausea? Anything?"
She actually felt as if she was going to throw up, but she shook her head. She just detested hospitals. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, hoping it would stop the weakness that took hold on her.
Mark sat up. "I'd better go and call your parents," he said quietly as he stood up. She really wanted him to stay there with her. She knew what was coming next. She wasn't in the mood for a doctor's lecture. But she'd swallow it up. It wasn't about her right now. Her parents should know what was going on. Libby should get tested as well. She nodded, and Mark kissed her forehead and left.
The doctor hesitated and then came over to sit on her bedside. He glanced at her chart and scribbled something at the bottom of it. Then he raised his head to look at her. "Miss… Johnson. I'm Noah and I wanna make sure you realize what had just taken place here."
"With all due respect, doctor, I do realize," she said coldly. But then her eyes met Noah's, and they were warm and kind. It wasn't what she expected to find there. She felt herself soften. "A lot of my friends died of AIDS, so I learned the hard way."
"And still… you're here, testing for HIV." She wasn't sure if he meant it as a question or as a statement, but there was nothing accusing or malicious about it. He sounded as if he really cared. He was looking at her intently.
"Yesterday I found out that my ex-husband was HIV positive. We met at a party, after more than 5 years we didn't see each other. He ran off before I got a chance to find out how long he had it."
Noah shook his head. "I'm sorry to hear that. But it's good you came here so quickly to check it out. Now, Miss Johnson-"
"-Maureen," she said. It really wasn't the time to be so damn formal.
"Maureen. Were you more tired than usual lately? Dizziness? Unexpected weakness? Loss of weight?"
"Yeah…" she said slowly. She felt as if the room was closing on her. How could she be so blind to all that when it first started at San Francisco? And now it dawned on her that she had witnessed it before, when it first started with Roger. The tiredness, the weakness, the drastic loss of weight. But when it happened to her… she just dismissed it. "I moved here almost a month ago… I had a lot on my mind because of my job… I thought it was just stress." It sounded like a lame excuse. You should have known better, she scorned herself.
"Stress it may be. I'm just going over the symptoms with you. If you were under a lot of stress because of your move here and everything, it's possible that's all it was."
"Possible, but not certain."
"In the kind of job that I do, nothing is." She couldn't argue with that. He seemed to hesitate again, but then he looked at her seriously. "Is there anyone you think of you should notify about the possibility of getting infected? Take your time, but it's important you'll remember."
"I've already done that. Just my daughter," she said quietly.
"How old is she?"
"She's five."
"He left before she was born?"
"Yes."
"Nice guy," he said sarcastically. "Where is she now?"
"She spent the night at my parents' house because of that party we went to."
"Bring her here the moment she goes back. They'll know how to reach me at the reception so don't hesitate. Day or night."
She nodded, her throat choking with tears. She remembered the last time she took Libby to the hospital. It was after she fell from a swing in the park, before her forth birthday. Her weeping still echoed in her ears. "She can't stand hospitals."
Noah smiled. "Like mother like daughter."
She returned his smile and sat up. She felt stronger. The dizziness was almost gone. "Is it that obvious?"
"After so many years in the ER, yeah, it is. Don't worry. I'm a pediatrician, she'll be okay." He took a notepad out of his white robe and scribbled something. "This is my cell and my page number in case you won't be able to reach me through the reception. You'll get the results within a week, maybe less. And I'll prescribe you some pills to help you sleep. You look like you need it."
She just stared at him, amazed. For a second, it felt as if Mark was right. They did have guardian angels.
They hardly said two words to one another as they left the hospital. After a quick breakfast at a nearby café, Mark stopped a cab and soon they were back home. She was exhausted. The last several hours of panic and restlessness were finally taking their toll. She just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.
"Are you okay?" asked Mark as they walked into the apartment.
She shook her head. "Tired."
He looked at her concerned. "I bet you are. Come on, let's get you into bed."
"When did my mom say they'd be here?"
"Late afternoon probably. I told her it was okay if they wanted to spend the night here." He opened the door to their bedroom and waited until she'd get in. "I'll get you some water for those pills, okay?"
She nodded, kicking her shoes off. As Mark was gone, she changed back to her nightclothes. Her thoughts drifted back to the hospital. She wondered how she was going to get through that week, until they'd have the results. It seemed too long, and it hasn't even started yet. She decided to call in sick the next day, but she knew she wouldn't be able to skip work for the entire week, until they'd get the results.
Mark went back into the room just as she pulled the covers around her. He sat at the edge of the bed and handed her a glass of water. She smiled. "Thank you."
"I talked with Tammy by the way. I'm taking tomorrow off too."
She took the pills and looked at him seriously. "You don't have to do that, Mark."
"I don't want you to stay here alone and think about it all day. If I'm here, I'll be able to… I dunno, distract you or something."
She laughed softly and leaned back. "That's sweet."
"Now go to sleep," he said, caressing her cheek. "I'll be in my study."
She didn't want him to go. She didn't want to be alone. "Don't. Stay with me." He must have been exhausted too; they hardly got any sleep the night before.
He hesitated, but just for a moment. Then he nodded. "Okay. Alright, I will," he said, kissing her forehead.
She fought sleep until he got into bed as well. Then she finally let herself close her eyes as she leaned her head against his chest.
"Everything will be okay," he whispered in her ear, but she was drifting into slumber before she could respond.
She opened her eyes to face complete darkness. Where was she? What time it was? She didn't remember anything. Her mind was foggy. It felt as if she has been asleep for years. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, trying to make out her surroundings. The digital clock on the opposite side of the bed read 6:42 PM. Her forehead cringed in confusion. She was supposed to be at work, or at least on her way back. Why was she in bed at this hour?
And then she remembered. It was Sunday. They went to the hospital in the morning. To get tested for HIV. She sighed. She couldn't believe it was happening to them.
She didn't feel like getting up. Every part of her felt heavy, sore, incredibly fragile. She wondered where Mark was. He was there when she fell asleep, she was sure of that. The sheets were rumpled on his side as if he did sleep there, but now from some reason he was gone.
The door slowly opened. The dim light of the hallway illuminated a small figure that was standing on the doorway, looking inside, as if trying to see through the darkness. Her eyes filled with new tears as she realized who the figure was. She sat up.
"Libby?"
The girl nodded and walked into the room. She seemed hesitant, scared maybe, clutching Roger the Bear closer to her. She wondered what her parents told her about having to go back home so soon.
"Come here, sweetie." She wrapped her arms around Libby as she got into bed. She pressed her forehead against the little girl's, holding her close.
"You sick, mommy?" asked Libby, looking at her concerned.
It was an innocent question, she knew. Libby had no idea about what was going on. And still, the words had their affect. She shook her head, trying to hold back her tears. "No, Munchkin. I'm okay. Just a little tired."
It seemed to calm her down. "Okay."
"Did you have fun with grandpa and grandma?" she asked, curling a strand of Libby's hair around her finger.
"Grandma has pretty dolls."
"She does, doesn't she?" She looked at her daughter intently as she laughed. Did Mark tell her about the test? Did he leave it to her to tell her because she was Libby's mother? She'd just have to ask her, she figured. "Munchkin, I have to tell you something. You're not going to like it, but you know that we don't always like things that we have to do."
Libby nodded seriously, but didn't say anything.
"Remember how couple of years ago we went to the hospital, and Dr. Edwards had to prick your finger and all? It wasn't so bad, wasn't it?" Libby shook her head slowly, carefully. "Since it's been couple of years and you're a big girl now, we'll have to do it again. So tomorrow we're gonna go to the hospital and have another doctor do the same as Dr. Edwards did, okay?"
"Do we have to go?" asked Libby, sounding somewhat scared.
She nodded sadly. She hated herself for having to do this. "Yeah, baby. We must go. It will only hurt for a second, I promise. And then, if you're really good… we can get you a doll like those grandma has. Maybe grandma will make her a beautiful dress like she makes for her own dolls. "
Libby's eyes grew big with amazement. "Really?"
"Sure. If you'll be a good girl when we get to the hospital."
"Don't like hospitals," said Libby, frowning a bit.
"I know, baby. I don't like them either. But sometimes we gotta do things we don't like."
"You be there with me?"
"Of course I will, Libby," she said, tightening her grip on her daughters. A single tear slid down her cheek before she had a chance to wipe it away, but Libby didn't seem to notice. "I'll be there."
