A/N- I hope you're still following the story. I'm so sorry I haven't updated it in like forever. Other than the regular excuses of school and work, my muse deserted me when I needed it the most- all those readings for school killed my brain cells as well as any sense of creativity I still had left. But in a happier note, the semester is over! Yay! Be nice and review…?
Chapter 14
Another day, she thought grimly as she crawled out of bed. She couldn't believe it was morning already, especially since she fell asleep only two hours before. She was already familiar with this numb feeling of waking up after a sleepless night, having a long shower in a hopeless attempt to shake it off, then do the rest automatically; getting dressed, making sure Libby was up, helping her get dressed as well, making breakfast.
Libby was in a good mood, chatting endlessly about the trip to the zoo she was about to go to. She was just listing all the animals she wanted to see that day as Mark stepped into the kitchen, looking exhausted. He didn't get much sleep either, she knew. She heard him tossing and turning all night, and then at some point when she was finally drifting into slumber, he left the bed. Now their eyes locked above Libby's head, and he smiled faintly. She returned his smile and nodded towards the cup of coffee she made for him. This silent dialogue was becoming habitual. This was the only way as long as Libby was around.
They left the apartment together. She had an important meeting she had to get to, so Mark took Libby to the kindergarten instead. She stood there, in front of their building, watching them go until they disappeared around the corner of the street. Then she walked towards the subway station at the opposite direction. She tried to avoid thinking about what was really bothering her. Instead, she started thinking about Libby. If the girl sensed that something was going on, she showed no inclination of it. She was the joyous five-year-old she has always been. Both she and Mark were doing their best not to let Libby feel that something was wrong, but with Libby you could never know. She had amazing instincts, for a girl her age.
She bought herself a cup of coffee before she got to work. It hardly had any effect, like the first one she had already drunk before they left home. She felt just as drowsy. And even though it was usually her job that had the power to distract her from things that really mattered, it didn't do much help this time. She found herself staring cluelessly at her computer screen, trying to steer her mind back to the right track, without much success. She tried to work from home as well, to complete everything she couldn't finish at the office, but it was just as useless. She couldn't focus, she couldn't do anything. She knew there were rumors wandering around already, but she didn't care. She just wanted this week to be over, she just wanted to know if they were okay. If they weren't, she'd handle with it later. Right now, she just needed to know. The uncertainty was killing her just as much.
"Maureen?" She turned her attention from her computer to Julie, her new secretary, who was standing at the door, looking concerned. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, just tired," she said, glancing at the clock on her computer screen. It was nearly lunch time. "What's up?"
"The mail is here and I've got the schedule for your meetings next week I wanted you to go over."
"Okay. Thanks Julie. Just leave it here, I'll do it in a bit," she said absent-mindedly.
Julie hesitated, but then stepped into her office and laid the papers on the desk. Then she gave her a questioning look. "I know I probably shouldn't say this… but you don't look so well. You should get some rest."
It all sounded too damn familiar. She was having that conversation before. And look where it had gotten you the last time, she told herself, stopping herself from dismissing Julie's concerns. She was far from fine. She had to get some sleep. "You know what, you're right. Is there anything important that I should do this afternoon?"
"No. No conferences or meetings, nothing."
An afternoon off. Well, that sounded tempting. Libby wouldn't be home until late afternoon because of that trip to the zoo, which meant that she'd have some time alone. She could ask Mark to pick her up from the kindergarten on his way back from work. Maybe she'd manage to get some sleep, too. Before she could say anything else, her cell phone started ringing. She reached for it. "Hello?"
"Maureen? It's Noah."
It felt as if her heart stopped beating, as if someone had turned off the ventilation system in the building. Suddenly there was no air. She looked up to meet Julie's concerned gaze, and shook her head, dismissing the younger woman. Once she was alone, she turned her attention back to the call. "Hi."
"I hope it's a good time. I got your results."
Her head was reeling. "And…?"
"And… I'm not allowed to discuss it over the phone," he said slowly. There was a short pause, and then he added, "Will you be able to come over to the hospital?"
Not allowed to discuss the results. His voice was neutral and awfully professional. She hoped it didn't mean what she feared it meant. She took a deep breath. "Sure. I'll get Mark and we'll be there as fast as we can."
"Alright. Ask the receptionist to page me when you're there."
"Okay. Thanks Noah."
"No problem. I'll see you soon."
She hung up, and slowly placed the cell phone on top of the folders Julie had just laid on her desk. Her heart was still pounding. She closed her eyes, trying to calm her tension. Then she reached for the phone and dialed Mark's number at the gallery. The line was occupied. She cursed softly, hanging up. Now of all times the line would be occupied for hours, she thought. Well, she didn't have hours. She had to get Mark. She picked up the receiver again and dialed his cell number. One ring, two rings, three rings, four-
"Hello?"
The words still echoed in her ears as she left the office twenty minutes later, on her way to meet Mark at the hospital. I got your results. If they were negative, Noah would have told her, wouldn't he? No reason to be so secretive if that was the case. Did it mean that they were positive? God, she couldn't even start imagining what their lives would turn out to be if that was to be the case.
We can't have AIDS, she thought as she left the subway, going back to the crowded streets of the city. She wasn't sure to whom she was addressing this, but this was all she could think of. On the other hand, she knew that so far, everything pointed at the opposite scenario. Andy had disappeared without a trace, which reinforced her suspicions that he had something to hide, and Noah refused to say anything over the phone, which wasn't so encouraging either. And to top it all off, she had the symptoms, which suddenly didn't seem as meaningless as before.
Mark was there already, sitting on an orange chair at the waiting-room. He stood up as he saw her enter and walked towards her. He wrapped his arms around her and they just stood there for a moment, holding each other, in the middle of the crowded waiting-room. She buried her face in his jacket and breathed his familiar scent. "Calm down. It's okay," he said quietly into her ear.
This was when she realized she was shaking. She looked up at him and nodded reassuringly. "I'm okay."
"He didn't say anything?"
"Only that he wasn't allowed to discuss the results over the phone. It didn't sound too optimistic."
"Let's find him and see what it really means." She nodded. She knew that if she'd try to speak she'd just start crying, and she didn't want that. She couldn't fall apart now. Mark squeezed her hand. "Hey," he said soothingly, "I'm scared too. But we'd better know the results, whatever they are. We'll be okay."
She knew he was terrified. She could see it in his eyes. But he didn't back away. He stayed there with her, just like he promised. She hugged him again. "I love you," she whispered, holding back tears. "And I'm sorry you have to go through this-"
Her voice trailed off as Mark pulled away, looking at her seriously. "Maureen, don't. This is not your fault." He looked over her shoulder, and something in his expression froze. She turned, her gaze following his. Her heartbeat started racing again. Noah was approaching them with a medical chart in his hands.
"Mark, Maureen, I'm glad you could come so fast," he said, his expression unreadable, neutral, just like his voice. It didn't sound encouraging. She could feel the panic rising again. Mark squeezed her hand. "If you'll follow me please, we'll find a quiet place where we can talk."
With no further words, they did as they were told. They followed him silently down the hall. She found herself clinging to Mark's side, in a way that was so unlike her. She never believed in depending on someone else. Well, at first she didn't, and then she thought it might be possible when Andy walked into her life, but then he proved her wrong as he walked out on her while she was pregnant. But the truth was that she got so tired to be the strong one. At least for now, it felt nice that there was someone to look after her, to comfort her, and above all, to know he would never walk away.
"This way," said Noah, shaking her back into reality, or something that was the closest to it. She followed him and Mark into what looked like the doctors' lounge. It all felt so surreal, as if it was a part of those hospital TV shows her father loved so much. She took a seat on a couch next to Mark as Noah sat across from them. He asked them if they wanted to drink anything, but both shook their heads simultaneously. Then there was a pause. Noah opened the folder he brought with him, then closed it, and opened it again. He looked as if he wasn't sure how to start. She knew this could not be a good sign. She bit her lower lip and forced back the tears that stung in her eyes.
"Well, as you two know, we-"
"Noah, please don't do this," she cut him off. Their time was too short to be wasted on pretty words and long explanations. "Get to the point, we just want to know," she added quietly. Noah looked slightly surprised by the interruption. Then he slowly nodded, but stayed silent, as if considering his next words. "Just tell us," she pleaded. It felt as if she was standing in front of a judge, about to listen to her verdict. Yet in a way, this was exactly what it was.
"You're negative. So is Libby."
She lowered her head, feeling the whole world collapsing unto her. Everything was swimming in front of her eyes. Her head was spinning madly. She knew it. They were doomed. Mark's hand squeezed hers, but somehow it didn't feel so comforting anymore.
Mark took a deep breath, then inhaled slowly. "Are you sure?" She heard him ask. His voice was calm, steady, as if what Noah had just said meant nothing. It felt as if they were having their conversation thousands of miles away. She could hardly make out what they were saying.
"Yeah. It's possible to do the whole procedure again just to be safe, but the results are proved to be reliable."
AIDS, oh God… What the hell they would do now? How she was going to break this to her parents? What would they tell Libby?
"Maureen?"
She raised her head to face Mark's, but his image was blurred because of the tears that were now streaming down her face, unstoppable. She couldn't fight it anymore. She laid her head on his shoulder, sobbing.
"Hey…" he murmured, instantly wrapping his arms around her. "What's this? More tears?" She couldn't answer. She cried harder. Everything she ever wanted was shattering into pieces in front of her eyes. She suddenly realized how Roger must have felt back then, after April's death, when he learned he was HIV positive.
"I'll leave you two alone," said Noah, his tone soft.
"Okay. Thank you, Noah, for everything."
"No problem. Take care."
She heard a door opens and closes again, and then silence. Mark continued to soothingly run a hand through her hair, as her sobbing gradually stopped.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, laying his chin against the top of her head.
"No. I'm not," she said honestly, looking at him again. He looked happy, relieved. How could he? Didn't he realize what it all meant?
"What was that all about? It doesn't look like tears of joy," he said gently, wiping her tears with his thumb.
"How is it that you're acting so cool about it? You were as scared as I was before we walked in here, you should be twice as scared now! Mark, didn't you hear him?"
"I did," he said, looking at her strangely. "I'm beginning to think that you didn't."
"I wish I didn't," she whispered, looking away.
His finger touched her chin, making her look back at him. He looked straight into her eyes. "Mo, he said we were negative," he said gently.
She stared at him, his words slowly sink in. "He… he did?"
Mark laughed softly. "Yeah."
Now that she thought back of it, the word did pass her ears at some point of the conversation, but she was too occupied with her own anxieties to really pay attention to it. She glanced at Mark. He didn't seem as if he was kidding. And why would he, actually, on a serious issue such as this? "And Libby?"
He nodded. "Negative. All three of us."
Then the meaning of his words sank, and relief took over. She wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. He let out a surprised laughter and hugged her back. "Thank God," she whispered.
He held her tighter. "Wanna get out of here?"
"Yeah. Please," she said, slowly letting go. "Do you have to go back to work?"
"I told Tammy I might not come back today," he said carefully, in a way that told her that Tammy knew where he was going. She didn't care he told Tammy about it. If he acted half as strange at work that week as she did, it was Tammy's right to know what was going on.
"Can you give her a call and say not to wait on you?" she asked as they left the lounge.
"Sure, I'll call her," he said, taking her hand again. "And you? Don't you have to be back at work?"
She shook her head. "I took the afternoon off. And we'll only need to pick Libby up around 6 or so, because of that trip to the zoo."
"Right," Mark nodded, then turned to look at her, his lips curl in he probably meant to be a seductive smile. "How did you think to spend this afternoon?"
She returned his smile, feeling the rest of her tension slowly fading away. "Duh, Marky, we've got a wedding to plan!"
He threw his head back and laughed. "God, give me strength."
Noah was nowhere to be found as they went through the reception area. The receptionist himself was on the phone, so it was pointless to ask him about Noah as well. Thinking she would have time to call him later and thank him, she followed Mark out of the ER and back into the street. Now, after a week of fears, panic and what if's, it felt as if they could finally start living.
The room was dark; the moon was its only light as it was glowing soft silver, its rays falling on the bed. They were a tangle of arms and legs, entwined in one another, sweaty and out of breath. She laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. The slowing rhythm of his heartbeat lulled her to sleep. Her finger drew small circles on his stomach; he shivered as it did. She smiled and did it again, her lips follow her finger, leaving goosebumps on his skin.
"Mo?" She raised her eyes to his, looking at him questionably. "I want to ask you something."
She smiled. "I thought we had this proposal thing covered," she said, crawling a bit up until her face was just above his.
He laughed softly, caressing her cheek. "Yeah, keep reminding me," he said kind of bitterly.
She rolled her eyes jokingly. She couldn't believe he was still upset for not being the first to propose. Silly male ego, she thought. "Get over it, Mark." His expression remained serious. He looked slightly distracted, as if there was something else on his mind. Now she was getting curious. "What's wrong? Please don't tell me you have a wife and four kids someplace." She said it lightly, but suddenly she couldn't help thinking that maybe he was hiding something from her. Maybe the whole thing with Andy and the HIV tests made him reconsider… maybe he decided he'd better listen to his mother, maybe he wanted to call it all off.
He shook his head, his expression contemplated, uncertain. "No, nothing like that. I just wanna ask you something. But don't feel like I'm forcing it on you, okay? You don't have to say yes."
What could he possibly have in mind? "Mark, now I'm starting to panic. What is it?"
He hesitated, but then looked straight at her. His eyes looked remarkably blue in the moonlight. "You said that you were on a pill since you had Libby and I was just wondering… I mean I thought… that maybe you'll want to stop taking it… so that we could have a baby," he concluded, looking at her hesitantly.
She stared at him speechless for a moment, just taking it in. It caught her completely off-guard. Of course, there were times when she amused herself with the thought of having Mark's baby, but she never treated the idea too seriously. She knew he wanted to have kids someday. They never had the chance to discuss this, but it was clear he was fascinated by kids, not to mention how great he was with Libby. And yet… all those times she occupied herself with those thoughts, she never seriously considered them. Up until now.
A baby. New life. It was so strange to even consider this. Several hours ago it felt as if they were moving towards the end of their lives and now this… A baby would change everything. And there was nothing she wanted more.
Mark misinterpreted her silence it seemed, because then he suddenly said, "But like I said, you don't have to say yes unless you want to. I wouldn't want to-"
She leaned down and kissed his lips gently. "Does that answer your question?" she murmured, slowly pulling away.
He grinned mischievously and shook his head. "Umm… no, not really, can you do it again?"
There was nothing gentle about her second kiss. It was passionate, fierce, determined. She closed her eyes, deepening their kiss, as her thoughts drifted away. She could almost imagine their baby. It would be a girl. She'd have Mark's coloring and her sense of style. Otherwise, she'd be doomed to wear flannel and scarves for the rest of her life.
Then this image vanished as something occurred to her, and she pulled away and looked at Mark, frowning. "You know what it'll mean though, right? I'll be fat and ugly."
Mark smiled. "You will never be ugly no matter how hard you try."
"But I will be fat," she pointed out, then smiled. "Will you still love me when I'm fat?" she asked, pouting.
He returned her smile and captured her lips with his once more, slowly turning them over. "Does that answer your question?"
