Chapter 3 is
up! YAY!
I know you've ALL been waiting a very long
time so here it is. Without further gilding the lily and with no more
ado…I give you the one, the only, SIR UUUUUULRICH VON
LICHTENSTIEN! Oh dear, I think he escaped! holds up frayed
ropes oh well! I'll just finish the chapter instead… .
As punishment, the fangirls tied Legolas up next to Emily and made her watch him while they delivered the letter. Once they were out of sight, Emily pulled out a knife and hacked away at the ropes that bound her and the adorable little elf.
Nothing happened.
She took out her handy-dandy Mirkwood Army Dagger (only 3.4 stones of mithril, get it at your nearest Elven product supplier!) and continued sawing at the ropes.
Three hundred and twelve attachments later, Emily was starting to get worried. Legolas' nappy was getting RATHER bulgy below the ropes keeping him pinned to the tree…
Meanwhile, in the depths of Mirkwood, a furious Thranduil was trying to get a force together to get back his precious son. The only problems were, not one male was willing to go after such a huge pack of fangirls, and none of the females wanted him near the castle for at least a thousand years or so (he kept using up all their Strawberry-Scented Shampoo, copyright Second Age by Balrog Industries).
"King Thranduil pant I pant have something pant for you," gasped an elleth. She had come to Thranduil's office with a letter from the fangirls. "I come bearing pant a letter from pant the fangirls!"
"I KNOW that, it was in the narrative!" Thranduil snapped. Taking the letter, he ripped it open to find his worst fears confirmed…
It was the bill from Balrog Industries for all the Strawberry-Scented Shampoo. It was so big, he actually hear a drum roll when it opened!
The audience booed the narrator.
Narrator: hopefully But…but…wasn't it just a little bit funny?
Audience: NO! STOP MAKING STUPID COMMENTS AND GET ON WITH THE BLOODY STORY!
Narrator: examining her fingernails casually Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Audience: all pull out handy-dandy Mirkwood Army Daggers, and switch through the attachments, trying to find the torches and pitchforks
Narrator: HEY! PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
Audience: SHUT UP! all go back to flipping through attachments
Narrator, who is crazyelvenfangirl, for those of you too thick to realize this without being told: Back to the story, whilst these good people are trying to find the "Angry Mob" attachments on their handy-dandy Mirkwood Army Daggers…
"AHA! FREEDOM!" cried Emily, who discovered that the six-hundred-fifty-eighth attachment, the "Angry Mob", complete with flame and big fork thing, is perfect for getting those pesky ropes binding you undone in half an hour or more, or your money back!
Audience: stop flipping momentarily PRODUCT PLACEMENT! all go back to flipping
Emily was free, and so was Legolas. Legolas made a mad dash for the shiny pointy things lying by the remains of the campfire, but was unable to move. His nappy was HUGE. It was so big, when it went to the movies, it sat next to EVERYONE! It was so big, Weight Watchers won't look at it. It was so big, when it plays hopscotch, it goes England, Scotland, Ireland. It was so big, it went into the Gap of Rohan and filled it. It was so big that when it was a kid, it didn't play with dolls-it played with midgets. It was so big, when it-
Audience stop flipping momentarily ENOUGH WITH THE WARPED 'YO MAMA' JOKES! all resume flipping
Fine, be that way.
Emily changed Legolas' diaper. When the fumes cleared and she woke up, she set out with the young prince. First, though, so she wouldn't be recognized or mistaken for a REAL fangirl, she took off her cleverly made mask and full body "rabid fangirl" suit. Yes, 'she' was in fact a…DWARF! Valar, do I think of good plot twists or WHAT?
Audience: stop fiddling with handy-dandy Mirkwood Army Daggers GASP! A dwarf? How could this be? continue flippi- they finally found it. DAMN! MUA HA HA HA! WE SHALL GET YOU, STUPID NARRATOR!
This story has been postponed until the audience gets fed up and allows me to come down from this lovely ceiling decoration
