(climbing down from ceiling decoration) I give you my gratitude dear readers. Thanks. Valar, all I asked was that people bloody review, and I get like one. (but those who did review, go you! And thank you very much, Seri!) I mean, is it REALLY too much to ask that some-
(gets mouth duct-taped by some huge Uruk-hai and his armed posse)
New, improved audience: (glare)
Uruks: Hey, WE were the ones that got her down! (glare back)
Audience: Oh yeah? (glare more)
Uruks: You wanna START somethin?
Audience: Hell yeah, you ugly orcs!
Uruks: Oh, it's ON!
(sounds of horrible fighting ensue, punctured by shouts of "OW" and "WE ARE NOT ORCS!" and "COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERITING THE SYSTEM!")
Dennis, time to go in the box now.
Dennis: No. I refuse. It's my little way of stickin' it to the man!
But I'm...female... At least put on you jacket Dennis, it's very cold. (holds out straitjacket)
Dennis: No, it's not cold.
Respect mah effing authority, you brat, or you won't get any more lines.
Audience 3.0: TELL THE STORY!
Fine. And so, without further ado, I give you the next chapter and the management's further efforts to recapture Sir Ulrich…
(shouts of 'OI Get back here, you bastard!' are heard in the near distance)
So, Thranduil opened the second letter with great trepidation. It was indeed a letter from the fangirls. Thranduil struggled to keep his face calm.
Three hours later, the elleth politely inquired as to what the letter said. Thranduil held it out to her.
"I do not wish to pollute my mind with these foul words. You read it. Out loud, if you please…"
"Yes, of course milord. It says, 'De-…de-ahr…dee-uhr…DEAR! Dear Thra-…Thran-duh-ih-uhl…THRANDUIL, THRANDUIL! Dear Thranduil, Ih-…eeh-… IN, IN! In ex-…ehx-chah-…'" Sighing, Thranduil's secretary came over, snatched the letter, and continued where the messenger had left off.
"'…ehx-chae-…excha-…EXCHANGE, EXCHANGE!' Yes, right, 'Dear Thranduil, In exchange fo-…fo-…FOR, FOR! Yo-…yoh-uhr…'"
" 'YOUR!'" said Thranduil.
" 'YOUR!'" agreed the elleth.
"Yes, we get it, what does the rest say?"
" 'So-…soh-…suh-…SON, SON! Weh-…wih-…WE!'"
" 'WE, WE!'" agreed the rest.
" 'Reh-…re-…rih-…qui-..quae-…queh-…her-…ehr-…er…REQUIRE, REQUIRE!'" A random elf who happened to be passing by stuck his head into the room. Seeing what was happening, he sauntered over and grabbed the letter. With an arrogant glance at the rest, he started to read.
" 'Th-…thr-…threh-…THREE, THREE! Doh-…duh-…zehn-…DOZEN! Eh-…Eh-…'"
"ELVES!"
"ELVES!"
"YES, ELVES!"
I realize this takes a long time, so we'll just fast forward to sentence number four (and elf number seventeen). To recap, the letter says, 'Dear Thranduil, In exchange for your son, we require three dozen elves. They should be dropped off two leagues south of the palace. They should be alone and unarmed. Come back in one day, and you shall have your son back.'
" 'Sih-…sihn-…sihn-ser-…sihn-seer-…-saer-…SINCERELY, SINCERELY! Th-…thuh-…THE! Fan-…g-…FANGIRLS.' YAY! WE DID IT!" The seventeen elves and Thranduil, who had just come back from the kitchen and his extended snack break, partied in honor of their cleverness.
"'Scuse me, milord Thranduil, but what does it mean?" said the random elf.
While they were reviving the males at the castle, Emily and Legolas were making their way to Khazad-dum with an escort of dwarves. The rest of the fangirls, meanwhile, had come back to camp and discovered the loss of their charge and his babysitter. They got over it surprisingly quickly, and went to wait at the specified drop point mentioned by the letter. After all, they didn't actually need Legolas to get the elves.
Not one escort dwarf was ever the same again.
Audience 3.0: That's mean!
They just had severely diminished hearing and an aversion to elves.
Audience 3.0: Oh, ok.
Yes, this was kinda short. Sorry. Trying to update my stories. And yes, Dennis is from the HOLY GRAIL movie and yes, the reading scene was based on a Monty Python episode. I own nothing but the circumstances and me. Well, definitely the circumstances. Probably. Meh. There's only so much I could have done with this chapter, bt I did try to clean it up...
