Once again, we return to the exciting story of the life of our gorgeous prince Legolas.

Any questions? No? Good. Our story picks up as Thranduil reluctantly picks out elven males for the sacr-

Audience member #64: Wait! Wait! Hang on! I have a que- right, you bugger! My name's Edward! I am a person! I AM NOT A NUMBER! I have a sodding identity!

You have a bit of a dirty mouth.

#64: I am an individual with individual needs and talents!

Rest of the audience: Just like us! YAY!

#64: I told you, I am not a number! Edward! I am Edward!

Well, I didn't know you were called Edward.

Edward: Well, you didn't bother to find out, now, did you?

Well, I am the narrator…

Edward: Oh, yes, very nice. And how'd you become narrator, then, eh? By exploiting the characters! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates in our fantasy realm!

Well, no, I'm the narrator because I am the one writing the story.

Edward: If there's ever going to be any difference around here, - . . .

. . . If there's ever going to be any difference around here-? What?

Edward: I forget.

Okay. Fine. Lovely. Anyone else?

(sulky silence)

Good. So, anyway, Thranduil reluctantly picked out elven males for the sacrifice to the fangirls.

"You; not you; not you; not you; you; you; you, no, not you, YOU!; you; not you; you; you; not you; not you; you; you; you; and the thirty guys down there."

An elven underling whispered something to the Great Lord.

"YES, of course I can count that high!Why, praytell, would I not be able to count that high? I CAN count, damnit."

The elven underling whispered again.

"No, I wasn't being overly defensive, I-What! OH, you said that GUY not that HIGH. My bad. Why wouldn't we count that guy?"

"The other one, milord."

"Where? Next to him?"

"No, the one with the red hair. He's a human, milord."

"Where? I can't see him, Hilthain!"

Another elven underling came up and handed Thranduil's glasses to him. The glasses were wet and had a few bubbles around the frames, and Thranduil thought he could see some cat hair.

"I found these in the possession of Young Lords Elladan and Elrohir, milord," said the underling, bowing respectfully.

Thranduil decided to forgo the glasses and just take Hilthain's word for it.

meanwhile

After several hours of screaming, two blankets, a couple of snacks, kicking, punching, wailing, and giggling in an ominous way (and that was just the dwarves getting Legolas off the extra-swift barge onto the horse), young Legolas was at the gates of the great Khazad-dum. Known as Moria to those Elves out there, or Dwarrowdelf, if you prefer the Common name. Legolas was delighted! Here was a bunch of people just his size to play with! But they all had beards! This perplexed the young elfling. As you know, he had grown up with Elves, and therefore hadn't seen a real beard before.

He'd seen humans, yes, but young ones, who came to play. They'd had a great time playing dress-up with him. They all had their little toy bows, axes, swords, and arrow-darts, and some had fake beards and helmet-wigs on. It had been great fun to hear the squelching sound the hair made when pulled off a young elven or human face.

These funny people had axes, just like his friend Draulith had when he played dress-up! Maybe their beards would make a funny sound too…

Twenty minutes later, Legolas was having the time of his life! THESE beards made a MUCH funnier sound when you pulled them off! Those people that had brought him here were gone, and they were crying. Legolas knew they were crying tears of happiness. They had laughed so hard when he had pulled off the first beard! But the guy he pulled it off of wasn't laughing.

That made him stop for a minute. Legolas wasn't a bad kid, and he wasn't so naïve that he didn't know sadness. His aunt had died of it just after his mother was buried. Legolas knew sadness could kill elves-what if it could kill these funny people too?

Legolas sat down and wailed. After a minute or two of cautious observation, the dwarves came rushing out to him, wisely putting the ones without beards first. Legolas peeked up through his tears, wondering what could be taking them so long. EVERYONE came when he started screeching. What was different this time? Oh, he got it, the funny people were so fat they couldn't go very fast! Legolas felt better. As the dwarves inched closer, Legolas was shocked to see that they weren't pretty! They…they were…ugly! Especially the ones without beards.

Legolas was horrified. It all made sense. These people wanted to trade him for make up and hair care products (he had heard them talking about trading him back for SOMEthing, so he figured this must be it) because they were so icky! That's why they had beards-to cover their icky faces! Legolas felt terrible-they couldn't hide their faces because of him! There was only one thing he could do.

"I sorry I rip you beards off, silly icky men. Please don't be sad-I fix it!" After completing his apology, Legolas reached into his diaper bag, thoughtfully brought along by Emily, and grabbed his make up bag. Every little elf needs one, get them for a Solstice gift for your favori-sorry. Anyway, the short and short is, he gave every dwarf in the place a great makeover. Hey, he was a special kid. And I mean special as in precocious. Even the female dwarves who were upset at being called "silly icky men" were placated by the fabulous improvement in their looks.

So they decided to keep him.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it kiddies?

Audience: Um, no. That sucked.

Edward: Thank you. I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GOING TO ASK!

What?

Edward: I wanted to know where the bathroom was.

. . . er…it's down the hall, right next to the stairs…

Dennis: And can you turn up the heat in here? (twitch) I had to go in my box, I'm so cold! (twitch) I don't like my box…(twitch)

Good boy, Dennis! Listen, if you keep your jacket on you can come out of the box. Okay? (gets arm out from under three huge down comforters and turns the thermostat back up) Anyone else?

(bored silence)

Really? Fine. I'm adding another chapter to spite you. Ha. I win.