Hey y'all, I'm back! Surprise, I didn't procrastinate like a whole month this time. Anyways, this is just a filler chapter of a couple scenes I've been thinking about and personally find hilarious. Next time, I'll be back with the regularly scheduled storyline. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter Thirteen
Saitama grit his teeth as his character fell to the floor, and big flashing letters declared King's victory. How the hell was King so good at this? "Let's go again."
King looked over at him. "You sure? You've got a vein popping out of your forehead."
"Again!" Saitama demanded.
"Alright, your loss," King said as the game booted up.
The final day at the resort had passed fairly quickly. He had invited King over for a rematch (in Lethal Konflict), but Atomic Samurai overheard the conversation, which somehow led to Bang asking for his address and now the entire S-Class knew where he lived. Wasn't that just great.
It had been a few weeks since then. In that time, he had gotten way more visitors than he was used to. Bang, King and Tatsumaki would stop by every couple days. Bang and King would also invite him over to their places. Playing videogames with King was as fun as it was frustrating. Saitama would get this close to beating him when WHAM! He lost.
Bang would typically bring a meal, dessert or a drink. That was always appreciated. The old man was fun to talk to, even if he had a tendency to go off on tangents for a while. For an old guy, he was surprisingly humble and wise.
Tatsumaki was the problem guest. She always got into fights with anyone that would challenge her. And what sucked was she usually broke something in the process. Even if she did pay for the damage, it would be nice if she could just not. She only seemed to calm down when there was no one else around.
Some of the other S-Class would come by occasionally. Metal Bat, Zombieman and Child Emperor have all come by a few times. In fact, Child Emperor was here now, tinkering with some small bot. Atomic Samurai had been here once, with three other guys and gave him his sword and asked him to cut an apple. It was an odd request, but Saitama sliced it up anyway. One of the younger dudes started yelling at him, but Atomic Samurai cut him off, thanked Saitama, grabbed his sword and left. It was a strange encounter, Saitama had thought while eating the apple, but samurais were weird people.
Amai Mask had also popped by twice. He had an annoying tendency of trying to convince Saitama to change his look. Saitama didn't see anything wrong with his hero outfit. And he sure as hell wasn't going to visit Amai Mask's tailor, no matter how many business cards the dude slipped into his pockets. Even if Amai Mask offered to pay for it, he didn't want to wear some dreary costume. He had enough experience with business suits as it was. Besides that, the guy seemed pretty chill though. Definitely very knowledgeable about the going ons in the world.
Suddenly there was an odd beeping and the sound of electricity cackling behind him.
"Hey! Don't burn anything down!" Saitama called out.
"I'll mail you a check," Child Emperor said distractedly.
"I don't have a bank account," Saitama replied.
The electronic whirring behind him stopped. "You don't?"
"Nah," Saitama answered.
"Why not?" Child Emperor asked.
"Figured I wouldn't need it. Always liked using cash more," Saitama explained.
"So what, you've got all your money in cash just lying around here?" Child Emperor asked.
"Yeah pretty much," Saitama said, growling in frustration as King knocked his character down again.
"That doesn't seem smart. What if someone broke in, or your house got destroyed?" Child Emperor asked.
"Well its not all in my apartment. Got a couple duffel bags stashed around the block in case something like that happens," Saitama said.
"Ah ok. Probably makes it a pain to pay your taxes though," Child Emperor said.
"What taxes?" Saitama asked.
Silence. King paused the game and sat up straight and looked at him.
"What the hell man, I was about to beat you," Saitama complained.
"Saitama," King said slowly. "Do you not pay your taxes?"
"Of course not," Saitama said.
"Dude! What the hell! You have to pay your taxes!" King exclaimed.
"Why?" Saitama asked.
"What do you mean why! It's the law!" King shouted.
"I'm with King on this one," Child Emperor said. "If you don't pay your taxes, you could get into a lot of trouble."
"Whoa guys, chill. My landlord covers it," Saitama said.
"Are you sure about that?" King said.
"Yeah, she owns the property and takes care of the water and electricity bill. I don't have a job so I've got no income tax. And it's not like I need healthcare or a retirement plan. I'm not doing anything illegal," Saitama said.
"Dude, you're a pro hero," King said.
"Yeah, so?" Saitama asked.
"That means you're employed by the Hero Association! You have a job you idiot!" King shouted.
"Sheesh, I get it okay. Look, if the IRS really wanted my money, they'd find a way, right? I mean, if the Hero Association can send me mail, I'm sure the IRS would get me one way or another," Saitama said.
"Can I have the name of your landlord?" Child Emperor asked.
"Yeah, her name is Mrs. Yakuza. She lives a few blocks from here," Saitama explained.
Child Emperor looked at him. "She lives in the abandoned zone?"
"Yeah," Saitama said. The others gave him a look. "What?"
"How could a civilian be living in the abandoned zone?" King asked.
"I seem to manage," Saitama said.
"Not everyone can smash a meteor with their bare hands," Child Emperor said. Saitama just shrugged. "Himari Yakuza?"
"Huh?" Saitama asked.
"Your landlord. Her name is Himari Yakuza?" Child Emperor inquired.
"Yeah," Saitama replied.
"She lives in City Q," Child Emperor stated.
"What? No she doesn't. She lives like five minutes from here," Saitama said.
"When was the last time you spoke with her?" Child Emperor asked.
"Not for a while. I usually just drop the rent money off and leave," Saitama explained.
"It says she moved out when this section of the city was quarantined," Child Emperor said.
"That can't be right," Saitama said.
"Maybe we should pay her a visit," King suggested.
"I think you're right," Child Emperor agreed.
Saitama sighed. "Fine. But I think it'll be a waste of our time."
The trio exited Saitama's apartment and headed deeper into the abandoned zone. A few minutes later, they were standing outside a small house on the corner of a block. The house was painted white, and weeds had overgrown the small lawn, wrapping around the banisters of the porch. King and Child Emperor gave him a look.
"What?" Saitama asked. "So she needs to take better care of her lawn. It's not a crime."
Saitama went up to the door and knocked loudly. "Mrs. Yakuza? It's me, Saitama. Could we talk for a minute?"
There was no answer. Saitama shrugged. "She must not be home."
Child Emperor smacked his forehead. "Let me try something."
He went up to the door and tapped a few buttons on his watch. An arm extended from his metal backpack and reached around Child Emperor. A small wiry looking thing inserted itself into the lock.
"Breaking and entering is in fact a crime you know," Saitama said.
The door swung open, revealing a dark room covered in cobwebs. The hardwood floor was stained, and whatever furniture was left had been toppled or shredded.
"Not if there's no one living here," Child Emperor replied.
On the floor behind the door lay dozens of envelopes. Saitama picked one of them up. "Hey, this is the money I've been paying her! I can't believe she just leaves it on the floor like this."
"Or maybe she never picked it up," Child Emperor said.
Saitama wandered into the house. "Hello! Mrs. Yakuza?"
"I think we already established she wasn't home," King muttered, following him in.
A layer of dust coated the house. The house seemed barren, stripped of anything that made it homely. There were no pictures hanging on the wall, no decor that presented a certain style. Mrs. Yakuza had always been a fan of antiques. Odd that she didn't have anything like that around her house.
Child Emperor flicked on the lights, revealing dust swirling around the room, kicked up by their entry. The kid frowned, an arm with a computer attached extending from his backpack to hang in front of him. Saitama ignored the clacking of keys and searched upstairs. All the beds had been stripped of their sheets. Must be laundry day. If Saitama recalled correctly, Mrs. Yakuza lived with her son. None of the rooms gave him a teen boy vibe.
When Saitama came back downstairs, Child Emperor was still on his laptop and King was going through the cabinets.
"Whatcha looking for?" Saitama asked.
"Wonderin' if Mrs. Yakuza left any liquor when she left," King said. "It's hot out. I could go for a drink."
"She probably only has wine," Saitama said.
King just shrugged. "Alcohol is alcohol." King smirked. "Ah, found one."
King popped the top off and poured himself a glass. He took a swig and grimaced. "It's dry." Still, he downed the glass and poured another.
"Hey guys, come check this out," Child Emperor called. Saitama and King walked over, and the laptop flipped around. "It says here that when this section of the city was quarantined, the power and water systems were cut off."
"So?" Saitama said.
"If this is true, why do her lights still work?" Child Emperor inquired. "Why do yours? Why do you still get water?"
Saitama shrugged. "I assumed Mrs. Yakuza was taking care of it."
"There's an abandoned power plant and water filtration center in this section of the city. When it was abandoned, everything was dropped, so in theory it should be able to work," Child Emperor said.
"You think someone's there keeping the power on?" King asked.
Child Emperor nodded. "Precisely. And I think we should visit. We need to get to the bottom of this."
Saitama sighed. "Fine. But when we're done I'm gonna call Mrs. Yakuza. She's got some explaining to do."
Saitama gathered up all the envelopes he had left on the ground and the trio left. Child Emperor led them further still into the abandoned zone. They walked for over an hour before finding the power plant. A high chain-link fence with barbed wire at the top surrounded the building. Child Emperor opened one of the gates and the trio wandered towards the imposing building. The parking lot was empty besides a few overturned or smashed cars.
"I'm detecting several heat signatures inside," Child Emperor said. "Plus an energy source inside. Looks like I was right. We should go in quietly. I'm not sure who or what is in there."
King, Child Emperor and Saitama entered the power plant through the main door. A few lights flickered ominously, illuminating scratches on the walls and floors. Papers were scattered everywhere, like someone had dropped them in a hurry. Child Emperor guided them towards the big power room, or whatever he called it. When they reached it, Child Emperor had to stifle a gasp. King willed his heart to quiet, while Saitama was otherwise unaffected.
Monsters of all types wandered about the room. A few inhabited a control room while others inspected the large turbine. In all, there were over a dozen of them scattered around the room.
"So that's what's keeping the power on," Child Emperor whispered. "We should take them out."
"Hold on a sec," Saitama whispered back. "If these guys are keeping my power on and we kill them, I won't have any power."
"You can live in the Hero Association HQ or find another apartment," Child Emperor hissed.
"Yeah but I like my house," Saitama said. "We're not killing them."
Child Emperor glared at him. "Are you crazy? They are monsters!"
"Yeah, but does it look like they're hurting anyone?" Saitama asked. Child Emperor had no reply.
"Seems like they're just living here. They are miles away from civilization, I doubt they'd be here if they like attacking people," Saitama said.
Child Emperor sighed. "Fine. But if they start making trouble–"
"I'll take care of it," Saitama assured him. The trio made their way back out of the power plant and started walking back towards Saitama's house.
"There's still something bothering me though," Child Emperor mused. "From all the research I have, monsters rarely cooperate. There might be some that are partners, but most monsters would fight each other given the chance. In my experience, the only reason monsters work together is if they are being forced to by some other monster. And what are they using all that power for?"
Saitama shrugged. "Maybe there's a community of monsters living around here."
Child Emperor looked at him. "I really doubt it."
"I've seen weirder," Saitama stated. "And hey, maybe don't tell anyone about this? If the Hero Association finds out about this they'd probably have Tatsumaki come in and wipe 'em all out, and she might break my house in the process."
Child Emperor frowned. "Fine. But you owe me."
"I'll buy you some candy. Or take you to the amusement park. Kids like that, right?" Saitama wondered.
Child Emperor smiled. "First, I'm gonna get you to pay your taxes. But yeah, I think I'd like that."
"That's cheating!"
"No it's not! It's in the rules!"
"They're stupid rules!"
"Well you agreed to them!"
"Saitama!" Both Tatsumaki and Metal Bat yelled at the same time. Saitama sighed. This was becoming way too common.
"Technically, you hadn't hit the ball yet, so she had the right to use her powers on it," Saitama said.
"That's not fair!" Metal Bat cried, stomping the ground. "She made it go around my bat! That should be illegal!"
"Nuh uh!" Tatsumaki retorted. "We agreed I could use my powers on the ball until it was hit. You didn't hit it!"
"I only agreed to that stupid rule because we all know you can't throw anything for shit!" Metal Bat snapped.
"Oh yeah!?" Tatsumaki shrieked. "How about I throw your ass into orbit and see how good I am at throwing things then?"
"You gotta use your wimpy little powers cause you don't have any real strength!" Metal Bat roared.
"And yet I'm still ten times the hero you are! My psychic powers are way stronger than your 'real' strength! Come at me with your fucking puny muscles and see where that gets you, you ugly shithead prick!" Tatsumaki screeched.
"Guys!" Saitama shouted. Both looked over at him guiltily. Saitama swears, it's like he's watching over children. They've had this same argument like twenty times. "Let's just play the game. I'm up to bat."
As Saitama grabbed Metal Bat's metal bat, he looked up at the sun. They've been playing this for a couple hours now. Not surprisingly, every batter had gotten a homerun. When he was batting, Tatsumaki wasn't allowed to use her powers to bring it back to her. She had to fly to find the ball, get and bring it back. Even if he wasn't super speeding around the bases, he could easily make it. When Tatsumaki was batting, Metal Bat wasn't fast enough to retrieve it. And when Metal Bat was hitting, he hit it far enough so if Saitama waited for it to land, Metal Bat would be home by then, and if he jumped, Saitama wouldn't be back on the ground soon enough. So it was always a fun stalemate.
Saitama took a few practice swings before nodding at Metal Bat. The delinquent kid spit on the ground and wound up for a pitch. And WHOOM here came the ball. Saitama swang the bat, hitting the ball and sending it flying. Saitama watched it go as Tatsumaki rocketed off to chase it. Saitama leisurely walked around the bases. As Tatsumaki came rushing back, Metal Bat sighed.
"I wish I was that strong," Metal Bat said.
"Nah you don't," Saitama said as he crossed home base. "Makes life pretty boring. When you win every fight with one punch, nothing seems all that interesting anymore."
"Yeah, but I'd be able to make it to all my sister's piano recitals," Metal Bat said. "And I wouldn't have to worry about tearing my clothes up."
Saitama chuckled. "I seem to rip my suit enough. I kinda wish I wasn't this strong. I wanna have one good fight against a guy who can stay up."
"You know," Tatsumaki said, a thoughtful look on her face. It was odd, considering that most of the time she was screaming. "I might have a way to give you both what you want."
"Tch, you think you can keep up with baldy?" Metal Bat scoffed.
"Of course not, idiot! What I'm saying is that I might be able to swap your minds for a little while!" Tatsumaki said.
"Hold up, what?" Metal Bat said. "You can my brain in baldy's head and baldy's brain in my head?"
"Oi! Stop calling me baldy!" Saitama complained.
"Well, technically, no. But all of our senses and movements are basically just electrical signals, right? Well, I might be able to replicate the signals of external stimuli into your brains and transfer the responses back and forth." Tatsumaki explained. Seeing the blank looks she was getting, Tatsumaki sighed. "Look, do you want me to try it or not?"
Saitama and Metal Bat looked at each other. Saitama shrugged. "Who knows, could be fun."
Metal Bat nodded. "You know what? The hell not."
"This is gonna be really hard and I'm going to need a lot of concentration. I'll pretty much be in a trance, and I'll probably only be able to hold it an hour or two, so make the most of it," Tatsumaki said, sitting down on crossed legs. "Also, try not to resist me. This is already gonna be hard, if I have to fight you I won't be able to do it."
"So, what do we do?" Saitama asked.
Tatsumaki opened one eye. "Being quiet would help."
Metal Bat snickered and Saitama snapped his jaw shut. Tatsumaki closed her eyes and breathed deeply, a green aura surrounding her. Saitama crossed his arms and kicked some dust as he waited. A few minutes went by, when suddenly he blinked, and suddenly he was seeing double. It's like he was seeing through his eyes, but there was a film overlapping it showing something else. The other sight-thing shifted and he was looking at himself. Saitama looked at Metal Bat, who was looking at him. Woah, that was freaky.
Gradually, all of his senses shifted into Metal Bat's body. After pretty much everything was set, Saitama moved his right arm. A bare hand covered in a black jacket entered his field of vision. Wow, ok, this was cool.
Metal Bat (in Saitama's body) looked at him (in Metal Bat's body). "Dude."
Saitama grinned. "This is cool."
"I wanna punch something," Metal Bat said.
Saitama frowned. "Maybe wait until we're a bit further from here. I don't wait to get Tats caught in the crossfire. Also, don't do anything full power. Start off, really, really gentle and then judge everything off of that."
Metal Bat snorted. Did his nose really look like that? "Don't worry baldy, you act like this is my first body swap."
"You're the baldy now," Saitama reminded him. A thought hit Saitama. "I have hair!"
Saitama put his hand on his head. Oh those luscious locks, how good it felt to have them on his head. A little sticky from all the gel, but who cares? He had hair!
"Oi, stop messing up my hair," Metal Bat complained.
"Sorry, it's just been so long," Saitama said. "Let's go towards that gorge there. That should be enough space for you."
They ran a few kilometers away from where Tatsumaki sat. By the time they got there, Saitama was out of breath.
"Is this…what being tired feels like?" Saitama huffed. "No wonder everybody complains about it. This sucks. Whew!"
Saitama leaned back, stretching his back. "Alright, try a light punch on that wall."
Metal Bat snickered. "I'll try not to break it."
Saitama stepped back and raised his hands in surrender. "Alright, but don't come crying to me if you accidentally sink the continent."
Ignoring him, Metal Bat turned back to the wall and lightly punched it. A thunderous BOOM echoed throughout the canyon, sending a shockwave that kicked up a sandstorm for three miles. Cracks spiderwebbed throughout the cliff face as far as the eye could see, and an avalanche of rocks started raining down on them.
"Welp, you can deal with this, I'm gonna go stand over there," Saitama told Metal Bat, whose mouth was agape.
Saitama got out of the way of the falling rocks, which buried Metal Bat. Saitama frowned. That was a lot of dirt. He was definitely going to have to wash his suit later.
A minute later, rocks were sent flying and Metal Bat came striding out of the rubble.
"What the hell was that!?" Metal Bat demanded, approaching Saitama.
"From the look of it, a light punch," Saitama deadpanned.
"A light punch!? A fucking light punch!? You're fucking with me, there's no way that was a light fucking punch!?" Metal Bat roared.
Saitama shrugged his shoulders. "You're the one that threw it."
"Don't start that shit with me! That punch woulda killed me and half the S-Class! How much were you holding back during our bout!?" Metal Bat demanded.
"I dunno, a lot," Saitama guessed.
"How fucking strong would a normal punch be? How fucking strong is a serious punch!?" Metal Bat cried.
"Don't do a serious punch," Saitama said.
"Fuck dude! I mean, I knew you were strong before, but holy shit. How the fuck did you get this strong?" Metal Bat asked.
Saitama opened his mouth to answer when all of a sudden his communicator began to ring. Saitama reached for it, before realizing it was in his suit's pocket, and Metal Bat was wearing his suit.
"Yo, can I have my communicator?" Saitama asked. Metal Bat tossed it to him. Saitama answered the call. "Oh hey Genos, what's up?"
"Sensei! There is a monster in City Z! I am unable to help since I am in City W at the moment. Please, assist the city!" Genos said.
"Alright, will do," Saitama said, ending the call. Just then, an alert appeared on his communicator, giving him the location of the monster. It said something about a demon. Saitama still wasn't sure what was up with that. He had been to like three other dimensions and there were no demons in any of them. Was it like a religious thing?
"Alright, let's go," Saitama told Metal Bat.
"Okay but I call dibs!" Metal Bat said.
"Huh? No way! I haven't had a real fight in like 20 years! I need this!" Saitama demanded.
"I'll find you another monster. This one's mine," Metal Bat said.
"You're the one with superspeed! Go find yourself another goddamn monster!" Saitama said.
"Hm, you're right. Guess whoever gets there first can fight it. Race you there!" Metal Bat said. He disappeared from view, and Saitama sighed. Welp, he should get going. He had both communicators, so maybe Metal Bat wouldn't find it.
Saitama raced towards the city. It was strange being so slow (He says as he runs 55 mph). But it was also kinda cool. Saitama could feel the adrenaline pumping in his veins. This was it. After so long, he was finally going to have a real fight.
By the time Saitama reached the outskirts of the city, he was panting heavily. What was this on his body? Sweat? Gross. That was one thing he didn't miss. This guy had some serious BO. Seriously, Saitama might not pay his taxes but at least he showered.
Saitama headed in the direction of the alert. Hopefully Metal Bat had missed it. Judging by the screams, it seems he did.
The monster was about as tall as a three story building. It had a snout like an anteater and fur covering its entire body. It stood on its hind legs, and its long arms dragged on the ground behind it. Long claws made gouges in the earth behind it.
"It's Metal Bat! We're saved!" Someone shouted. Suddenly everyone stopped running and turned. A loud cheer rose up. "Metal Bat! Metal Bat! Metal Bat!" They cheered.
The monster looked down at him as well. "Oh ho ho, so they finally sent an S-Class after me. You think you can beat me? As a child, my house was always infested with ants. I grew up hating ants. I found them everywhere–"
"Shut the fuck up and fight me goddamn it!" Saitama roared, jumping at the creature.
"So eager to die, are we?" The monster laughed, swiping its arm at Saitama surprisingly fast. Saitama had to block the blow. The claw dug into his forearms, tearing cloth and flesh, launching him onto a nearby balcony. What was this stinging sensation? Was this…pain? It had been so long, Saitama had forgotten what it felt like.
"Allow me to grant your wish!" The monster roared, swiping at Saitama again. Saitama jumped up, the clawed appendage smashing through the concrete below him. Saitama launched off the building, launching himself at the monster. He dove at it feet first, kicking it to the ground. He jumped off it and grabbed it's ankle. With a cry, he flipped the monster over his head, slamming into the street. The pavement cracked under the falling monster.
Saitama was breathing heavily. Man was this what it felt like to fight a monster as a normal person? Kinda tedious.
Suddenly, a force knocked him backwards. He skidded down the street, flipping backwards. Man, pain sucked. He looked at his arms and shins. Yup, that was roadburn. He was gonna have to apologize to Metal Bat for messing up his body.
The monster was back on its feet, barreling towards him. With a mad grin, Saitama charged to meet it.
He dodged the first blow, then punched the side of the monster's knee. It dropped to the other knee, and Saitama uppercutted it in the face. An enormous tongue shot out of the monster's mouth. Saitama dodged to the side, jumped over the monster's claw and punched the monster in the face. It staggered back, but Saitama couldn't avoid the backhand that sent him flying. Saitama was going to land headfirst, but he did a handspring to get himself back on his feet. Oh hey, he knew this park.
The monster came roaring through the trees, swinging its arms at him. Saitama rolled under them, then leaped up, tackling the monster to the ground. Its tongue came flying out of its mouth but Saitama caught it, wrapping the slimy tongue around his wrist and pulling its head towards him so he could punch it. Then Saitama ripped the tongue out of its mouth and tossed it aside. Then he jumped off the monster, landing next to a lamp post.
As the monster rose to its feet, Saitama ripped the lamp post out of the ground. The monster charged him again, and Saitama swung the lamp post at the creature's legs, tripping it. The monster fell towards Saitama, arm extended in an attempt to crush him. Saitama brought the lamp post up, deflecting the blow and slamming the lamp post down on the monster. Then he swung the lamp post like a golf club, scooping the monster up and throwing it across the park. It landed on all fours, its claws dragging it to a stop. It roared, and Saitama threw the lamp post at it, impaling the monster.
Saitama raced towards it, dodging the bloody lamp post that had been thrown at him. What is this feeling? This wild throbbing in my heart?! Saitama landed another blow, knocking the monster back. This rush, this tension! Saitama ducked under the first of the monster's swipes and jumped high in the air to avoid the second one. It's been so long I forgot… Saitama cocked his fist back, screaming as he descended on the monster. It looked up at him with terror in its eyes. The exhilaration of a real fight! Saitama's fist slammed into the monster's skull. Flesh was shredded and bone shattered beneath his fist.
For a second everything was white. A roaring sound like the ocean filled his ears. He blinked, and suddenly Saitama was somewhere else entirely. He looked around, wandering about until he found a street sign. That was odd, he was in City S. What was he doing here?
Saitama looked down. He was wearing his yellow hero suit, red gloves adorning his hands and red boots on his feet. Saitama reached up and felt his head. He was bald again.
Saitama sighed. Well, it had been fun while it lasted. Saitama raced back to City Z just in time to see Metal Bat shooing off some reporters. When Metal Bat saw him, he waved.
"Oi! Saitama! The fuck happened over here?" Metal Bat demanded.
"Found the monster," Saitama replied. "Kicked its ass."
"Yeah I can see that," Metal Bat said sarcastically. "Where the fuck was I?"
"You were in City S dude, how did you get so lost?" Saitama asked.
"I have no idea, I was running to find the monster when I came across an ocean. I thought I was still in Z City, but apparently I was in J-City. I started running back but I came across a couple monsters. I gotta say, I don't know how you could be bored killing monsters with one punch. That shit was fun. They fucking exploded all over the place, it was hilarious. Then I kept running, saved a couple people from a burning building, I found Watchdog Man so I thought I was close, but then I must've gone south. Did find a couple more monsters and killed them, then all of a sudden I was back here. So I guess we both got what we wanted, eh?" Metal Bat said.
"Yeah this was fun. Sorry I fucked up your body," Saitama said, gesturing to all the scrapes and bruises.
"You kidding me? I come home worse than this all the time. It'll take a day or two but I'll be fine. I'm no Zombieman but I heal pretty quick," Metal Bat said.
Saitama nodded. "Cool. Should we go get Tatsumaki?"
Metal Bat grunted. "You can find the brat. I probably gotta get home and make Zenko some dinner. I'll see you around."
As Metal Bat walked off, Saitama couldn't help but feel sad. Fighting that monster in Metal Bat's body had surely been the highlight of his month, if not the year, but it also reminded him just how inhuman he really was. Pain, sweat, exertion, all these things he didn't remember. It wasn't just the emotions he had lost when he gained this strength. At least Metal Bat remembered what it meant to be human.
"What exactly are we doing here again?" Saitama whispered.
"I told you, I'm gathering intel. You're here in case this guy has any nasty tricks up his sleeves," Zombieman whispered back.
"What exactly are you stalking him for?" Saitama asked.
Zombieman glared at him. "I am not stalking him, I'm investigating him. There's a difference. This guy's a businessman whose been rapidly garnering more and more sales due to his lack of competition. All of his rivals have mysteriously disappeared. I'm suspecting foul play, but I'm not sure what kind."
"So we should question him directly," Genos said, standing up from his hiding spot.
Zombieman was quick to pull him back down. "No. You clearly aren't aware of how espionage works. I need hard evidence to take in, not a beaten confession."
"Why? If they confess, doesn't that just prove they're guilty?" Saitama asked.
"In most cases, yes," Zombieman answered. "But there's some legal thing saying that if they confess under tortue, assault, blackmail etc., it renders the confession null, and they're basically in the clear. So hard evidence it is."
Genos sat down with a frown. "Very well. We shall do it your way."
Saitama sighed. "How long does this usually take?"
"We're following him around all day," Zombieman answered. "I've got his schedule, and if he deviates from it or meets anyone he's not supposed to we gather intel. Till then, be patient."
"But we've been sitting here for an hour," Saitama said.
"Like you've got anything better to do," Zombieman snapped.
"I can think of a dozen things better than laying on a roof with a flowerpot on my head," Saitama said.
Zombieman looked at him. "Why do you have a flowerpot on your head?"
"We're incognito. Duh," Saitama deadpanned.
Zombieman resisted the urge to slap himself. "You idiot! That flowerpot is way more conspicuous!"
"Oh, should I take it off?" Saitama asked, reaching for it.
"No, it's too late now!" Zombieman hissed. The things he dealt with.
Saitama sniffled. "Fine. But I think it makes me look stealthy."
Genos gave Saitama a look but chose not to comment.
The three heroes watched the man eat his lunch with three other people. Seeing the big, juicy burger made Saitama's stomach rumble. They'd been following this dude around for like three hours now. Saitama couldn't even wear his hero suit or his favorite hoodie. Nooo, he had to be inconspicuous. So here he was, laying on a building, in black jeans and a black button up shirt. Saitama wasn't sure why they were trying so hard when Genos' skin was literally metal. Kinda a dead give away.
"I'm bored, what're we doing after this?" Saitama asked.
"Getting ice cream," Zombieman snapped.
"Really?" Saitama perked up.
"No," Zombieman said.
"Ah, man," Saitama said.
"I mean, we can if you guys want to, but it'll probably be late," Zombieman said.
"A long day and ice cream is better than a long day and no ice cream," Saitama said.
Zombieman nodded. "That's wise. What've you guys been up to since last time I saw you?"
"Genos and I went up to old man Bang's place a few days ago," Saitama said. "Gave us some food, played some games. Old man's fast. I promised I would take Child Emperor to the fair, but he's so damn busy. Got some project he's working on. And annoyingly the little time he is free I already have plans. Which is weird, I normally don't have a lot of plans. Oh, and Bofoi keeps asking me to do things."
"Do things?" Zombieman asked. "What kind of things?"
"Well there was a gas leak in some mine and he wanted me to rescue some miners who were trapped. He's apparently got some wires doing something on the ocean floor, and something broke so I had to swim down and attach a drone to the wire to fix it. Some other things like that," Saitama said.
Zombieman frowned. "That's odd. Bofoi likes his privacy, and his robots take care of most of his dirty work. Say Saitama, for the gas leak, did he give you a gas mask?"
"He gave me some for the miners but not for me, why?" Saitama wondered.
"And the sea thing, how far down were these wires?" Zombieman asked.
"Couple thousand feet down I think. Why?" Saitama asked.
"And how long were you down there?" Zombieman inquired.
"Bout thirty minutes. I think something ate me, but I couldn't really tell it was so dark. Why?" Saitama demanded.
Zombieman huffed displeasedly. "I might have a word with Child Emperor about something."
"What are you asking him?" Saitama exclaimed.
"Look, he's moving, let's go," Zombieman said, crawling away from the edge of the building. Saitama and Genos followed suit, the former clutching the flowerpot to his head.
They made their way down the stairs and into the street. Unfortunately, Saitama had to ditch the flowerpot. Shame. He had really bonded with that flower. Maybe he'd come back and find it. They followed the man at a distance, watching as he boarded the train in a private compartment. The trio got on the regular train. Some of the passengers oohed and aahed at the sight of Genos and Zombieman. Must be annoying being famous.
"This is the most likely spot he's meeting with someone. I couldn't find any way in, so Child Emperor made me this," Zombieman explained, revealing some small device. "It's a drone, which will give a live feed to this tablet. Hold this Genos."
Zombieman gave Genos the screen and began piloting the drone. It entered the vents and buzzed its way towards this business man's compartment. Finally, it entered the room, showing the dude's room.
"I trust everything's going well," the man said. He was facing a mirror, undoing his tie. The room was seemingly empty besides that.
"Of course. I can handle a few softies used to deskwork," a voice answered. Zombieman swiveled the camera around the room but could not find the owner of the voice.
The businessman frowned. "I'm one of those softies you speak of."
"I'm aware," the voice replied. "Still, don't you think you're making it a little obvious what you're doing? You could at least ask me to make it look like an accident."
"There's no need for that," the man said.
"You're not worried about the authorities catching on to your little scheme?" the voice asked.
The man scoffed. "You make it sound like creating a monopoly on deodorant is insignificant. But no, I'm not worried about those foolish sheep. I am far too intelligent for them to be aware of my design."
"Is that so? Then I suppose you have no qualms with this drone recording our conversation?" the voice asked.
"What!?" the man shrieked. "Destroy it! And kill whoever has the footage!"
"As you wish, Mr. Tanaka," the voice replied, and suddenly the screen cut to static.
"It appears we will have company," Genos said.
"Yes, it appears that way," the voice replied, not coming from the tablet this time. The voice belonged to a dude dressed like a ninja with a purple scarf and a mask covering the lower half of his face. Purple eyeshadow dotted beneath his eyes. He had a sword on his back, and Saitama noticed several kunai and shurikens concealed around his body.
"Two S-Classes, for poor Mr. Tanaka? Doesn't that seem like overkill? And you," the voice ninja man said. "Wait, I recognize you. It's you! The man who slaughtered my brethren!"
Saitama looked around. "Me?"
"Yes you! And I will make you remember the name Speed o' Sound Sonic!" The guy said, unsheathing his sword.
"Everyone out! Now!" Zombieman shouted. Panic ensued as people scrambled to get out of this compartment. In less than a minute, it was just the four of them.
The man smirked. "Excellent. The more room to kill you with!"
With that the ninja raced forwards, slashing at Saitama's neck. Saitama caught the blade with two fingers. "Hey man, be careful. These are nice clothes."
The ninja growled, forced to retreat when Genos kicked at him. Zombieman grabbed his machete and axe.
"You will rue the day you crossed me!" Ninjaman cried, hopping around the train car like a mad bunny.
"I literally have no idea who you are," Saitama deadpanned.
Sonic launched himself at Zombieman, stabbing him through the chest with his sword. Sonic backflipped off the falling hero and threw a few kunai and Genos. Genos raised his arm to deflect the knives.
With the S-Class distracted, Sonic charged at Saitama, holding his sword in both hands so tightly they were white. He wore a mad grin, and a blazing fire burned in his eyes. He leaped at Saitama, extending the blade to pierce his heart.
Saitama stepped out of the way and slapped Sonic in the face. Sonic tumbled down the aisle, unconscious.
"Does that count as evidence?" Saitama asked.
Zombieman nodded. He waited a second for his lungs to totally heal before saying, "Yeah, that was all recorded. Let's bring them both in."
"Sweet. Then are we getting ice cream?" Saitama asked.
