Disclaimer: I don't ownz the pirated, but I ownz the other things. Like a shiny comic book collection. In your face Disney.
Before the reading be start: Just so you know, I'm fucking dirty. And I make a lot of references to boy-on-boy sex. I understand that some of you would like to be warned beforehand. To these warned people I would like to apologize for the fact that they are ignorant, narrow minded douches.
With all due respect,
Suck it.
Who Gives a Rat's Ass?
By: The awsomez Michelle
The Part What is Come Before the Beginning
It was safe to say that before the plot bunny, things were going well in the Caribbean.
fade in to shiny blue water
Jack's bonny lass was absolutely, stunningly, disgustingly beautiful. And brilliant. And kind. And sexy. And adjectively. She was twenty-five in like the sixteen or seventeen hundreds, and not a wrinkle in sight. She had amazing hygiene and a balcony you could do Shakespeare off of. Of course the historians reading this will know that this is utter bullshit. (Really, it's just not possible. See, everyone in that day and age was incredibly ugly. Only the rich were passable for le sex in their 20-30's, and even then they weren't exactly do-able by today's standards. Disney has blatantly lied to you all. I suggest we all start a riot. The mouse shall bend to our will.> :0).
Anywho, let us call her Silla DeLaculo. (At this point Spanish and maybe Philipino people giggle. For the white folks- it means chair of the ass.)
They reproduced like rabbits.
Will and Elizabeth (though madly in love with eachother) have had problems which will be devoid of explanation altogether, so that Will can have a hot steamy relationship with some OC I shall call Gran DeTettas (translation: big tits). She was like…perfect too.
So, both Jack and Will are dating supermodels, which they are madly in love with and devoted to. And also the girls are best friends from the future who just watched the movie and were transported back in time by a neon green dildo, or some incredible retarded shit like that…yes, there was much devotion in the relationships...
Well, except for that one time Jack and Will got drunk and Jack was like "Maty, y're the only bastard in thess whole sea I can trust, y'get me?" and Will was like "… buttsecks?", which they both merrily partook in.
For a really long time.
Like, crazy long.
If I described it, it would take like…a book.
They wrote the Pirate Karma Sutra in one night.
It's a really good read.
I like the pictures. (:
ahem So, for the sake of tying up loose ends, Elizabeth is dead. A canon ball killed her on the shitter. It was tragic, messy, and bloody embarrassing. So, they re-arranged her body to make it look like she killed herself by way of pen-stabbing. Aside from the cannonball indent and the facial expression, it looked pretty convincing. Her father didn't give a shit because the appearance of the Mary Sues backspace beautiful future girls out of nowhere, gave him strength. And dirty old man thoughts.
Y'know, on second thought, he's dead too. I'm not going to need him. He died in a tragic toaster strudel accident; it was horrible, raspberry jam…everywhere.
So, aside form the secks, it wasn't all that great. I lied to you, just as the mouse did.
Just then in Jack's mighty captains' cabin of the Pearl…
"OH JACK! OH JACK! OH…OOOOHHH….ung…Oooooh. Arg!" ( sploosh ), Silla rolled off her rugged pirate-y lover with a contented sigh, She was covered in an assortment of bodily fluids, but for the sake of not making this too disgusting, let's just say a 'glowing sheen' (which means sweat). Jack looked at her with confusion, because it suddenly occurred to him that every other chick was an enjoyable poke-and-run, and by committing to this one lass he was denying himself a world of tail. But the authoress gave him a sharp jab in the spine and the confusion turned to love. (Forced love: the best kind of love.). And an hour of pillow talk ensued. This was unusual, because normally the pillow talk lasted for three, but sadly Silla was suddenly struck with a terrible disease and became sick all over herself. Based on a true story.
Instead of seeing this as his chance for sexual freedom and debauchery Jack began freaking out and weeping like a castrato. He would lose his hot super model common law wife who was full of adjective goodness! O noes! ) :
Just then Will and Gran popped in from his cabin, covered with a 'glowing sheen' (probably ready for a kinky foursome, but sadly we will never know.).
"ME BONNY LASS HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN BY DISEAS! O NOES! Arr!" ) : > Cried Jack (literally), with either raised eyebrows, or a party hat for some reason, you choose.
Luckily Gran used her brilliance to assert that Silla had some terrible disease that was just invented for the sake of this story. The deadly, barely curable TKG! The only cure of which would be found on a long-winded journey through untamed waters, rubber duckies, puns, and a quite a few naked people. Oh, yes, and rum. There would be much rum. "I predict she has a year to live!" declared the self-proclaimed doctor.
Will was pretty much sitting the corner, fantasizing about buttsecks, and giving Jack suggestive gesture and looks, along with occasionally flashing a bit of leg. Gran was too wrapped up in her explanation to notice.
After an hour of this (and a quickie in the janitors closet, I'm not saying who :B ) the crew was setting sail for the east in a race against time.
It took them a month to realize that they were supposed to go west, as there were no wacky adventures happening, so their time limit was considerably shortened.
To be continued…maybe…
Will Silla be cured? Will Elizabeth pop back in like a zit? Will I get my ass flamed like cur-azy?
Maybe, yep, and most likey. Tune in for the next update's episode of Who Gives a rat's ass.
