A/N: Oi, thanks for the Reviews. And here I was expecting to get a pineapple up the ars from the Mary-Sue supporters. :0

Disclaimer: No own, only borrow.

In last… couple of day's ago's episode…yes.

Jack Sparrow's gorgeous wife has been struck down by a terrible diseas created solely for the purpose of this story! Or at least, that's what the self-proclaimed doctor Gran says.

The crew sails off into the east in order to find the cure, but realizes after a month of travel that they are sadly supposed to be headed west

And now,

Who Gives a Rat's Ass

The Chapter what is after the prologue

"Gosh darn it," said a very badassed William 1. He then received a swift crowning via Mr. Gibbs. "Watch your fucking language boy, there be Sparrow Children aboard!"

A swarm of said Sparrow Children were in the corner at the time, and decided Mr. Gibbs had used a very good word indeed; it could be used as an adjective, a noun, even every word in a sentence! They then proceeded to teach it to the other Sparrow children.

And there were A LOT of Sparrow Children. One couldn't open a cupboard, or look under a bed on board without a few spilling out, usually yelling "DADDY!" in hopes that their father would drag himself off their mother long enough to give a rat's ass about them.

Sadly neither he, nor anyone else on board did. The crew had actually considered castrating Jack to be rid of the little buggers, but then they took into consideration the children's uses, like workers, emergency food supplies, canon fodder, etc. They were really mostly around for their charm, as they are in any other fanfic involving them.

As a matter of fact, once the kids got older and either lost their cuteness, or brought attention to the fact that they weren't all that attractive to begin with, they were pretty much put on a lifeboat and left to float away to the Island of Unloved Children.

Make-up supplies and charm were in high demand amongst the aging Sparrow Children.

Anywho, onto the wacky story.

Jack ran about the ship, doing captainly things, like yelling at the crew, telling Mr. Gibbs where to steer, and mostly sitting around on his ass, feeling sorry for himself. He was in an incredibly bad mood since Silla fell ill. So much so that Will offered him pity sex. (A/N: Yes, this is kind of an on-going theme with me). It didn't go well.

They were lustfully clawing at eachother in Will's cabin; their limbs intertwinedin ways that made you wonder how the hell they could both keep their balance. 'Glowingly Sheening' and half-dressed they plopped onto Will's bed, only to slide off, due to the extra-fine sheets Will used for his sensitive skin.

"DADDY!" The thump caused a surprising number of Sparrow Children to pop out from under the bed. "Feck off Jimmothy 2!" yelled a now sexually frustrated (on top of everything else) Jack, with Will pouting in the corner, knowing the sex wasn't going to happen.

Back to Jack, sitting his ass on the deck. (The crew had grown used to his laziness, as long nights of screwing his Mary-Sue had taken quite a bit of zest out of him.).

Despite Jack's mood, the day was without pathetic fallacy, as it was quite lovely out; although the water was tossing and turning as if it was in a hurricane. For some reason or other, the crew chose not to take any notice of this unusually activity so that I could say…

Just then, completely out of no where, a -"Gigantic vagina!" :0 yelled a random Jimmothy, rudely interrupting the amazing authoress- gigantic sea monster (which, admittedly, was quite vaginal in appearance) popped up.

Gran jumped out of the little dark nook she was hiding in this whole time and declared "AH-HAH! The Puki 3, just as I foretold we would find on our quest!" and she struck a dramatic pose as she said this. So very dramatic. Jack gave her a sour look and went on for a bit about what the fuck she was talking about, because clearly she had failed to mention this shite. Gran then reminded him of his adjectively-common law wife's eminent death, and he retreated back onto the Deck of Angst.

Gran used her feisty ability of being perfect at everything to plan out a battle strategy, and fight the demon single-handedly within a quarter of an hour. Even though she's a Mary-Sue, and we shouldn't expect less…it was impressive.

After an assortment of internal monster parts went showering over the ship … and crew, and Will comforting Jack (the only way he can in my imagination); the ship exploded…with cries of "Huzzah!" (scared you for a minute there, eh? No:( Okay, I know it's not the best story in the world, but you needn't be such little bastards about it…). And the crew lifted Gran upon mighty shoulders to celebrate her awesomeness … and accidentally knocked her overboard (them pirates and their drinking :D ), but luckily they recovered her before any real damage was done.

While this was happening, Jack went to check up on his wife –who I so did not forget to mention yet- and tossed out some used Sparrow Children who she had made use of to wipe off more sickness she had made all over herself.

Just then Silla turned to her husband with eyes the colour of radiation and passionately said "Make love to me, Jack, while we still can.". After he wiped off a bit of vomit on her chin, he did. Or he might have, if she wasn't lacking a bit of tragedy…

Half way through she declared that she was a virgin, untainted by man's hands, so Jack should be gentle. Jack paused awkwardly and mentally counted how many kids the bitch had popped out before she decided on playing out a Madonna song … ((author Whack)).

So, he cut that shit out, and accepted this information, because someone like Silla couldn't be anything but pure. So they continued with the making of the sex, and where close to the climax when, "Oh Jack, I was abused by my father's sister's friend's cousin's guy-who-took-him-to-the-airport-that-one-time's, dog's humping post's cleaner." Silla let out a tragic sigh, which also served to restore her breath, "This is not the right time.". Jack, being the sensitive, loving pirate he is, accepted this. He let her rest (remember, she's sick with spells of intense projectile-vomiting which conveniently disappear during sex.) and went off into the corner so that he could spank his monkey.

And spank his monkey he did (I shall call him, Little Eduardo), until the next chapter of Who Gives a Rat's Ass?

1 Speaking relatively, of course

2 After the 12th was born, Jack and Silla gave up on individual names for their kids, and had them called the 'Sparrow Children', or 'Jimmothy', as a collective. (Here's looking at you Ashleigh-VermillionVenom )

3 Tagalog for Vagina

A/N: Goddamn, I think this chapter made me retarded. ..