Chapter 6
Charlie's feet found the familiar path automatically, though he could hardly see where he was going. His body shook and his mind was in chaos. Had he really been about to kill someone? Not an outside threat like Ethan, but a person he had worked beside and trusted, one of his own. He had decided to kill her. He would have done it. The only thing that had stopped him was her eyes – he had seen terror there, as though she had looked into his soul and seen what a monster he had become.
He was a monster. But he hadn't hurt her... In the end, he had saved her. That had to count for something, didn't it? His actions were what mattered, they overcame his intentions. Surely that meant he would never have done it, he would never have become a murderer.
Murderer. He wasn't one, he told himself, he wasn't. But he felt like one. And what made it worse, she had kissed him. His mind reeled at the memory. How could she have done that? Maybe she hadn't known what he had planned to do; he could have been mistaken about the fear in her eyes, but it had felt so real. Or was she trying to get control of the situation, gain power over him? If that was it, it had worked. His feelings for her had never before gone beyond a mild attraction, tempered by strong dislike, but once she was in his arms it had been all he could do to hold himself back. He still trembled from the intensity of the passion he felt for her, the woman he had been about to kill. Oh God. It was too much. Horror overwhelmed him; he wanted to rip off his very skin and escape from himself.
"You have got to be kidding!" Ana's voice tore through his thoughts.
"What?" Charlie stopped in confusion. They were standing at the edge of a clearing, the mountain's jagged peak rising up ahead of them.
"If you tell me we have to go up there," said Ana, pointing at the peak, "I will kill you right now."
"Oh, uh, no," said Charlie. He looked around and tried to get his bearings. "I think I got off the trail somewhere. No, it's back this way."
They made their way back across the clearing, and Charlie stopped next to a rotted out log at the edge of the treeline. He knelt down and reached inside, pulling out a blue tarp. With trembling hands he unfolded it until its contents were exposed -- a nine millimeter handgun, a rifle, a box of ammo, and three statues of the Virgin Mary. His eyes lingered on the statues, and he picked one up, imagining he could feel the weight of the heroin inside. The desire to escape was suffocating him and he ached to smash the statue against the log and touch the golden brown treasure it held. If anything could help him now...
"That's it?" said Ana. "Where are the rest of the guns?"
Charlie reluctantly tore his eyes away from the statue and looked up at Ana's glowering face. "This is everything. Sawyer has the rest."
Ana let out an irritated breath. "I thought you were taking me to Sawyer's stash. You helped him with the con. Don't you know where it is?"
"Are you daft?" said Charlie. "Sawyer wouldn't trust me with that. This is just what I helped myself to before he moved the rest. I couldn't take too much or he would have noticed."
"Then what did you get out of it?" said Ana. "I mean, besides what you stole." Her gaze fell on the statue in Charlie's hand. "Eko told me about those. I take it Sawyer paid you off in smack?"
Charlie hastily placed the statue next to the others and covered them with the tarp. "I'm not using," he said.
"Oh, you're not," said Ana with a slight smile.
"No, I'm not," snapped Charlie. "I took three statues from Sawyer, and as you can see, they're all here, intact. I just... I need to know where they are, that's all. You wouldn't understand."
Ana gazed at him thoughtfully, but didn't respond. Charlie looked away.
"Look, do you want a bloody gun or don't you?" he said.
"Give me the nine millimeter," said Ana quietly. Charlie handed it to her, and she quickly pulled the cartridge out to make sure the gun was loaded before jamming it into the back of her jeans.
"You're welcome," said Charlie. He folded the tarp around the remains of his stash and shoved it back into the log, then stood and brushed the dirt off his knees. The statues would wait. They would be here when he came back. He glanced at Ana and was surprised by an unusual softness in her face.
"I understand better than you think," she said.
A jolt went through Charlie at her words. He believed her. He would never have expected it, but he believed it. She was someone who could understand him, even accept him without judgment. Someone he could be himself with. The thought sparked a longing in him that took his breath away. If only he could confess everything to her... She knew about Sun, and she didn't hate him for it. But this was different, and Charlie thought again of the way everyone looked at him that night with Aaron. If he had a mirror right now he would see that look in his own eyes; he couldn't bear to see it in Ana's. He couldn't tell her what he almost did to her. He could never be with her.
Ana's expression turned puzzled. "Are you hurt?" she said.
Charlie tried to cover his feelings with a joke. "I'm dying," he said hoarsely, with an attempt at a smile. It was too close to the truth. "How did you know?"
"Uh, I don't..." She shook her head, confused. "There's blood on your face."
"What?" He wiped his cheek and looked at his hand. There was nothing there.
"No, the other side," said Ana, pointing. Charlie saw red on her palm, and remembered her hand resting gently against his face.
"You're the one who's bleeding," he said. "Your hand."
She turned her hand over and stared at it. "Oh, right," she said. "The shrubbery."
"Let me see," said Charlie, taking a step toward her. Without thinking he reached for her hand to get a better look, but as soon as he felt the warmth of her skin he pulled back as if he'd been burned. He couldn't allow himself to touch her again. "Uh, you should... wrap that up, or something."
"Thanks, that's helpful," said Ana sarcastically. "I'll keep it in mind." With her jaw clenched she bent her head and wiped some of the blood off on the front of her tank top. It left a blacker streak on the fabric. Her hair hung down in front of her eyes as she shot him a dark upward glance, and Charlie wondered if she felt rejected again. You think I hurt you,Charlie thought. You have no idea.
