Okay, guys. I'm a HUGE fan of Lordi, the awesome rock band from Finland. In case you haven't heard of them, they dress up in sweet monster costumes, and have won Eurovision 2006 (YEAH GO LORDI)! Anyway, in honor of this, I decided to write this songfic to the lyrics of the song "Shotgun Divorce". Yes, I know… this ISN'T the best Lordi song by a long shot (pardon the pun, lol). That honor goes to "Hard Rock Hallelujah", which rocked Eurovision! But I talk to much! Let's start the story, Early morning, she was already up.
28-year-old Hermoine Granger was up early one morning. She and her lover were on the way to a vacation in Vegas. Harry and her had been married for 5 years, ever since her previous husband, her "beloved" Ron, mysteriously died of the cholera. Or was it really the cholera?The plants were watered, her bags were packed
Hermoine had finished watering all the plants and packing the bags since Harry was still in bed; just as she had planned. She was euphorically looking forward to spending a week of booze, gambling and regeneration with the man she loved. But was the man she loved really Harry?
Without warning she gave him a slug"Hey Honey." Harry said, waking up and yawning, "You going somewhere?"
"Oh, yes Harry, I am going somewhere. Unfortunately, you're not going with me!"
Before he could do anything, she pulled out her family's shotgun seemingly out of nowhere, and aimed.
Now her husband's slaughtered
"What the… Hermoine? Ahhhh, noooooOOOOO!" Harry screamed, scrambling over the bed.
with a 12 gauge whack
Without a word, Hermoine pulled the trigger, sending the slug into his chest. Harry flew back 4 feet, and hit the bedpost.
Stranglehold of fear - It still won't disappear"Ehhghghh.. Her… mione… wh.. wh.. why?"
It's growing stronger - And still he's watching her"He he he! HA HA HA" Hermione was as giddy as a little girl. From out of the shadows a dark figure emerged. Harry could just barely make the face out, but it looked like….
Again she's leaving home - Again she's all alone"Dra… dra... Malfoy?" Harry couldn't believe his clouded eyes.
Hermione maniacally grinned. "Oh, yes. Isn't my new fiance wonderful? We're getting married! You'd be our man of honor, but it looks to me like you have a previous engagement, isn't that right 'my love'?"
Again she knows exactly what to doDraco smiled at the writhing Harry. "Hermione dear, we really should be going."
"Oh, yes darling. You run along ahead. I just have one last thing to do to get ready."
Draco put on his sunglasses that matched his $40,000 dollar white suit and got into his stolen Ferrari Enzo. As he waited, Hermione dragged a bloody, dying Harry by the heels down the stairs into the basement.
"Herm… io… ne… b… but… why?" Harry croaked. Hermione just grinned as she took out a crowbar and removed three planks from the floor.
"Welcome to your final resting place, dearest. I hope you find it as suitable as its previous inhabitant. Oh, I almost forgot. Did I mention you have a… roomate?"
Like with the others before"R… ron?" Harry was shocked at the sight of his decrepid friend's corpse, only recognizable by the trademark Weasly red shock of hair.
"Oh, pleaasseee, Harry." You didn't really believe that a gold-rush era disease killed you best friend? But then again, you always did get low marks on your OWLs…" At that moment, Harry noticed the empty jug of gasoline in her hands.
This time around, yeah it's kinda final"Hermoine… you… your no… not going to…"
"Make this house your funeral pyre? Oh yes! I can't wait to see the look on your face. Ha ha ha! The finality of it all! I love it!" As she stepped onto the stairs, she pulled out her shotgun, and fired at the propane tanks in the left side of the basement.
"Hermoi… Herm… no…" Harry moaned, blood spilling out of his eyes.
"Oh, don't worry, darling. I'll let you put it out. Here…" Hermoine threw him his wand, landing at his feet. "Go on Harry, put out the fire! Use a spell."
Unfortunately, Harry could not use his arms.
Ride 'till you fall"HA HA HA!" Hermoine threw her head up in the air and expressed her feelings of lust, love, and sin. "You can't move your arms because of my…" she grinned, "12- gauge whack…" As Hermoine bounded up the stairs, she stopped, and smiled. "Ta ta, Harry boy!", leaving him helpless and alone.
Then the shotgun divorceHermoine noticed that an explosion was about to rock the house. Using her powers, she did a flip out the window and into the passenger seat of the Enzo.
"What took you so long?" Draco asked chuckling, as the house exploded in a brilliant array of colors.
"Lets just say I had a… hot date!" Hermoine joked.
The two chuckled at the funny pun, and floored the accelerator at 120 miles per hour, away from the scene of the shotgun divorce.
It's her way out and she can't deny
"So tell me, darling, how did you think of that ingenious way of killing your husband?"
"I guess it's my hobby. I can't deny it. I really love to indulge myself in these…. 'affairs'!"
"I know, but… don't do it to me!" Draco said with amusement.
"Oh, Draco, you make me laugh! Ha ha HA!"
She loves to kill and she kills for loveIn a reflective mood, she leaned back and closed her eyes. "Draco, you know I love to… kill." Hermoine snuggled into his shoulder. "But I kill… for love."
"You do it for me. How romantic!"
"I know!" Hermoine dramatized with much laughter and vengence.
Autumn leaves keep falling on the ground(Three months later)
Hermione had been married to Draco for three months, and their marriage had been a whirlwind affair of intrigue, lust, and redemption. Outside of Draco's $320,000,000 Malibu estate, Hermione stood on the top of a fall foliated high hill that was part of one of Draco's twelve 18-hole golf courses. Hermione was livin' large off of Draco's corporate empire money.
Someday she knows that they will try to hunt her downThe whole cover story of the "accidential fire" blew over pretty well, but there was some suspect of arson. Malfoy had paid off the sheriff into believing that a drunken Harry Potter had started the fire, and shot himself after. Even so, Hermoine was still nervous that justice would catch up with her. She couldn't sleep at night, and there was nothing Draco could do to comfort her.
Plain revulsion, no love can be foundAlthough there was no love between her and Harry, she still was haunted by the image of his broken body burning. Sure she enjoyed it, but it was still disgusting.
After all is said and done there is no reboundSometimes, she felt she could not go back to her former life. The murders were a heavy burden, and she knew that karma would catch up with her
Now she's living scaredEven though she cared
Hermoine had killed them for Draco, for his safety and love. And yet, she always thought she made a mistake. But maybe, it was the best decision she ever made. She was torn, like a doll that had been ripped up by a hunting dog.
He is goneHis head blown off
And even the wealth and love could not chase the image of Harry's dead body away from her. A dead body, who's head likely exploded in the inferno. Exploded because of lust…
PLEASE tell me what you think! Read and review, please. I love you all! Listen to Lordi and ROCK OUT!
