Part 4
Okay, where was I again? Yeah, I'm nearly at the end, sheesh, you people have no patience. Right, then. We were talking about administrative screw-ups. Right. Well, see, God and this William Cole reached a compromise - rather unusual, but not impossible. I recall a couple of years ago something like that happening with that dead bloke walking around, whassisface, Sheridan. Yeah, him. So, anyways, Cole - William - is trying to figure out a way to protect his kid brother.
Now, I gotta take a little side track again, or you're not gonna get the next bit. Right, you know when a person is dying? Well, not personally, obviously, but - in theory, at least? They die, and their life force drains away slowly. Right? Life signs fade, is that what the doctors call it nowadays? They try and stop it, of course, and if there's enough of the life-force left there, they can bring the person back. Now, this life-force thing doesn't stay at the same level through a person's life - no, I don't know the details! Jeez, what do I look like to you, the Second Coming? I don't know all about this stuff!
Anyway, basically, some people are more alive at some times than others. Think of it like a glass of water - sometimes the water is spilled, and sometimes you can fill it up again. Okay, make sense? Right.
Now.
What do you think happens to all that water when you die?
Oh, that's right, it miraculously disappears, or gets transferred, or something. How? All in one go? What kind of sense does maths like that make? None, I tell you, none! It's a graph - and it can get into the negative side of it as well.
Yes, this has bloody relevance! Stick with me for a one bloody minute, okay!
Right. Now, you remember how this Marcus Cole got all this mess started in the first place? That bloody life-transferal machine.
Let me tell you something right now - I have never, in all my years here, come across such blatant plagiarism! Never! Ever! Not even when fire was 'discovered'. Never! Those Vorlons are so lucky they're practically immortal, since when they get their butts over here, there's gonna be some serious judging from the big G!
So, yeah, Cole used the machine to try and save the life of this Susan Ivanova woman. So, basically, he transferred his life to hers. Ordinarily, this won't get you squat if she's already dead - which she was - because there is no way you can bring the dead back. They're gone. Processed. Filed away. Caput.
So why the big commotion? She's dead, he transfers his life to nothingness and dies, right?
Like I said, administrative screw-ups. I mean, give us a break, how many people do you think we process through here every day? About a million, give or take a few thousand. There's always a backlog. Always. Even with the Almighty being omniscient and omnipresent and everything, it's a hell of a workload.
So, naturally, mistakes occur.
What kind of mistakes... um, what kind of mistakes indeed. Um, see, when William Cole compromised with God to try and save Marcus, what they decided to do was transfer all of William's remaining life-energy to Marcus. Make sense? Marcus is perfectly healthy. You transfer what little is left of William before he finally gives it up and goes off either up or down (bear in mind that William is dead, right), and voila, you have Marcus at extra-special spunkiness. He'll be strong enough to survive the Shadow attack and go off to have his brood of six kids and whatnot. It's uncommon, but not unheard of.
And what happened next is that I screwed up. Royally.
Blame it on what you like - cigarettes, lack of alcohol, lack of caffeine - I managed to process William Cole a little too early for his own good. In fact, I managed to process him while he was still alive.
Yeah, big oops.
So, instead of just being extra-strong and resilient, our Marcus ended up having, um, sorta... two lives.
Stop laughing! It's not funny! It may seem like a good thing to have, and yeah, sure, you end up being a hell of a lot healthier than everyone else, but what happens when you pull a royal stunt like that life-transferral thing? Normally, if you die, you just, well, die - so he would have lived a little longer than most people, and been a little healthier for longer. So what. No biggie.
Trust the bugger to pull something so bloody stupid...
What do you mean, you don't get it? How thick are you? Do I have to spell it out! When Marcus transferred his life Ivanova, he didn't transfer a normal human life - he transferred two lives.
So! What the bloody hell do you mean, so! Did you follow the maths thing before at all? I thought not! One life outweighs the entire universe in importance, right? So, what do you think you have when you have two bloody lives! Think of the consequences! Think of the cataclysmic consequences of such a paradox!
Um... well, now, I don't know what the consequences will be. But, frankly, I don't want to know! All I knew this meant, was, one of them would have to live. Which is a bit of a problem, since both of them were dead.
Are you following? Once you die, you stay dead. No coming back. Nothing there in that body, see? Your soul goes to either burn or dance or whatever, and your energy is recycled to make another life. And there is no coming back. For anyone.
And so this is why I was shitting myself when I read about this in the paper. Okay, I didn't read all of this in the paper - all it said was, "Arrival of human challenges dogma!" And then it went on about how, because of undisclosed reasons, one of the two would have to live and how this was such a big problem, yadda yadda yadda, and what effects this will have on the economic forecast and the WB line-up in the fall.
So, until I went through God's notes and my little mistake - not a common mistake, I grant you, but it has been known to happen - I didn't know any of this background claptrap. All I knew was, God wasn't going to be very happy to have to let one of them live.
So, anyway, back to the sodding conversation.
Cole had just told God that, "I do love her," right? Well, I had my doubts about that, because there was obviously something extra screwy going on here, and as near as I could figure, it had a lot to do with my messing things up. This is bad, especially come evaluation time. I really didn't want to consider the prospect of a pay-cut!
So, God drew himself up his full height - what? Oh. Um, about an infinite amount of meters, I should think - yeah, so, anyway, he's towering over the universe, and doing his whole judgement thing. "AND WHY SHOULD THIS MATTER? WHY SHOULD I LET HER LIVE INSTEAD OF YOU?"
Which, okay, is a hell of a good question. Because, much as you love one person, giving your life to them - not just sacrificing yours for theirs, but giving your life to them is a hell of an undertaking. Not many managed it.
And they hadn't even screwed yet!
Oh, didn't I mention that? Well, you'll never believe it... our Mr Cole, right - thirty five year old virgin! I know! I know! That's just what I thought! I figured the Almighty had had some grudge against him, but, no, apparently He wasn't too concerned with people getting laid. So, it must have been Cole's decision.
Never let it be said that I don't bring you the latest gossip on the top stars!
Anyway. I better get a move on with this, since this is seriously dragging into my lunch-hours. So, we up to speed on stuff? The maths, the implications, yadda yadda yadda? Right, good.
"You have to. She's - she's everything."
Pathetic, isn't it? Even I was fighting the urge to be sick when he said that. Then I realised what he was talking about, and I'll be damned if I didn't feel like weeping instead. She wasn't everything to him, she was everything, period.
It wasn't adoration, or even idolatry at work here - just some serious head-casing. Cole's whole bloody universe, after William's death, was in disarray. And when he met Ivanova, he rebuilt his world around her. Rare, but it happens. Romeo and Juliet? A dramatisation of a rather horrible and torrid love-affair. It was luck they killed themselves, because neither could have lasted a day without the other there. Sad, extremely pathetic, but true. I think it's a genuine design flaw in these mortals - but, then, they're all working prototypes, so when we find a nice perfect one, we'll use that one instead. No luck so far.
Hey, don't sound so offended! It's the simple truth! You're all flawed, and, hell, so are we! This Ivanova character - stubborn, thick-headed, too angry for her own good. Then we have the two Coles - both self-sacrificial to a fault. I guess the Ranger training brings that out of someone.
So, anyway, God's thinking Cole's little pathetic statement over, when I decide to shove my foot even further into my mouth.
"Why don't we just - turn back time? Or do a 'Sheridan' on them?"
Okay, bad idea to counsel the Almighty. He doesn't like it. "NO." He said shortly, and that was that.
Why? I don't know! All I know is, for the Sheridan bloke, there was some serious negotiation going on behind closed doors. Maybe it was impossible. Maybe God didn't feel like all the extra work again. You know, you do all your work, you build yourself a universe with workable laws of physics and whatnot - you can't just go about screwing around with it willy-nilly. It takes all the permanency out of it, and that, my friend, is way into the realm of the bad.
Where was I? Yes. God was still thinking. Takes a long time.
Finally, he said, "APART FROM IVANOVA MATTERING TO YOU - WHY SHOULD I GIVE HER BACK HER LIFE, AND NOT YOU? I COULD REVERSE THE PROCESS AND STOP YOU DYING. YOU COULD DO A LOT OF GOOD, MARCUS."
"Yeah," he said bitterly, and I saw him fade with each word. "I can kill some more people."
More guilt from him.
He's scratching the inside of his right wrist, where he's got that little bruise from the machine. I could practically see him go all hard and opaque and thick like curdled milk. Even his eyes had faded to these small devil's fires. Okay, that's a bit of a no-brainer, really. A devil's fire? Small, compact, but very hot. His eyes were - dimmed, but glowing? I can't explain it. It just looks really freaky.
And God's waiting for him to continue. He wants to truth, and he wants it in the form of a confession. I'm not sure if He likes Confession, but he likes confessions. Does that make sense? Anyway, it's besides the point.
Cole thinks some more, and the finally looked up again. I swear, he was practically glaring. "Why did You put me back?" He asked, and his voice had that weird little catch in it, where you know they're trying to cry, but they can't because they have no bodies. It's really pitiful to watch. "Why did You put me back when You knew that more people would die because of me?"
"YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME, MARCUS," the Almighty said gently. He loves them all, you know, especially the self-torturing ones. He feels a kinship with them, I guess - you know, the Son part of it? All that suffering...
"It was all me," Cole said, and again, there's that catch in his voice. His eyes are growing dimmer and - more green? More vibrant? I can't describe it. The eyes themselves were dim, but the pupils seemed to be dancing...
Forget it, it's impossible to explain.
"It was all me - I know I didn't kill them, but it - it feels that way..." And he trailed off, and his eyes were opening real wide, like a child's, looking up into the light. "Was it my fault? Is it my fault they're all dead?"
I don't have wonder who he's asking about. All his family, it says on the records, are gone. Dead. Filed away. And he was somehow connected to each death - from his mother dying in childbirth, to an argument with his father that led Cole Senior to take a shuttle that never landed - to a visit from his brother that William didn't survive. Cole wasn't to blame for any of those, but you try explaining that.
Damn the Minbari. They hammered it into his skull that everyone is interconnected - which is well and good, but not if you're walking a tightrope! He feels all the more responsible for his family's deaths because of his lack of blame!
No, I'm not going to sit and explain to you how that works. Go ask a psychologist. All I know is, Cole was looking up at God like a man with a death wish looks at his executioner - except that it was the exact opposite. Cole wanted to live for his family, that much is obvious, but he didn't want to live with all his guilt and those bloody eyes. Next best thing? Ivanova. Live through her, by saving her life.
I never said that the human mind made sense.
"WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID YOU WERE BLAMELESS? THAT YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF IT? IT WAS MEANT TO BE - AS SUSAN IVANOVA'S DEATH IS, MARCUS."
"No," he whispered again, defiantly. "No, I don't - I can't - believe that!" And he was glaring then, glaring at God with such anger, I really was afraid for him. He reminded me of the Morning Star so much at that moment, it was uncanny...
"You're the God of compassion! Of love! Of life! Of bloody justice! And if you felt any of those things, you'd let me die to save her! You'd let me do something good with the worthless bloody life that my brother died to preserve! That billions have died to preserve! My life is more important than the rest of the universe put together? What about her life? Isn't she entitled to that same treatment!" He was shouting. Bloody shouting at God, his hair a mess and his eyes like hot coals in his face, and his mouth twisted into a snarl. "If you cared about us at all, you'd let her live because through her I can live as well!"
Impressive, huh? I thought so. His face would have gone purple if he'd been alive. Seeing as he was dead, though, he was already kinda purple.
And you know what the scary part is? I understood him. Fuck it, I actually understood where he coming from!
Which, seeing as I'm not meant to empathise with anything, was kinda bad, but also felt great. I understood what he was talking about - which meant that God, being all-knowing and all-forgiving - would understand as well.
True love - or true dependency. Either way, a soft spot for this particular deity.
And He was considering it, you could see it written all over the light. It was like ripples through it. He was seriously thinking about what Cole had said - shouted - into his ear. Bloody amazing. And beautiful to watch. I could feel the change in it all, in the lack of floor below me. It's like - it became fluid, you know? Fluid to be shaped into a new concept, a new idea - possibly a new universe with new rules.
It's not often this happens. Not often at all. Remember the sudden change in the 'smite thy neighbour' into 'love thy brother'? Big change. Big. Huge. And bloody gorgeous to watch as the ripples went through reality and changed it all.
And here it was, about to happen again - one way or the other. Whatever God decided, His decision would mean a change. My breath caught as He brought the hammer down, a signal that He was about to speak the judgement.
And - that judgement will have to wait because, unless my watch is fucked up, I'm ten minutes late for work! Shit!
