A/N – Hello to all. I have some good news. I got the job I was hoping for at Clifton Springs hospital! I start on Monday. For the first month I will be working days to train in CT (Cat Scan) and to learn the PACS or digital x-ray system. Then I will move to nights.

During the training I will most likely have precious little time for writing so I am trying my very hardest to get Anxiety finished before Monday. I have some errands that I have to take care of today but I will get right back at it when I get home. I also have no husband and three – no wait- four kids all weekend, but I will still do as much as I can to finish this up before I start my new job!
I wish to thank each and every one of you who have stuck with this story for so long. It has taken exactly one year to write this thing. I started it in June of 2005! You guys make the hard work all worth it! Bless you all for taking time to read, follow and comment on this and other stories. You make Fan Fiction writing worth while.
Alice I

Chapter Forty-Nine

Larry arrived at the FBI offices toting coffee and bagels within two hours of Don's call determined to speak to Megan and the rest of the team about the events of last night and the circumstances of this case. Larry did not normally try to involve himself in FBI work even though he now found himself co-consulting on many occasions. He had always felt that he didn't need to, nor did he want to know the details of the work that encompassed Don's life. His opinion had begun to subtly change as he and Megan began to develop a relationship and he found himself more and more interested in what she and the rest of the team were doing.

As far as this case was concerned he was not going to take no for an answer when it came to information. He and Don had spoken at length about this case when Don called him from the hospital. Don decided to give him what details he had of last night's events even though they were supposed to be classified. While Larry didn't have Charlie's National Security Clearance he did have clearance for the nature of this case.

Larry's uncharacteristic determination to get as much information as possible was born of the fact that so many people that he cared about were involved. His best friend had been brutally beaten and now felt responsible for an agent's death. The woman that he was fast becoming involved with had her own demons to contend with and for the last two weeks he had mourned the death of a close friend who had not actually died. He wanted answers to all of his questions and he intended to get them.

While Larry listened to Don's explanation of his fears for Charlie he became more and more disturbed by what he was hearing; not only by Charlie's despondency but by Don's verbal self- flagellation. The agent berated himself for not putting everything together after speaking to him the previous evening. Don felt that he should have figured out what Charlie was doing. He said that he could have warned Megan and David about DiBenedetto.

As Larry patiently listened to Don chastise himself for what he felt was a "rookie oversight" his concern for the agent began to match his concern for his young friend. After the third time Don said that it was his fault for not putting the pieces together quickly enough, Larry had heard enough.

"I believe I have heard quite enough Don! You are recovering from a severe concussion as well as the injuries inflicted upon you by that ghastly woman. Your hospital room was bombed rendering you unconscious for a week. You have no cause to expect your deductive faculties to be running at peak efficiency, and lamenting this cognitive shortfall is an ineffectual use of your energy; energy that you need to now focus on Charles. As to warning the tactical team; didn't you just tell me David said that DiBenedetto arrived before they did? If that is the case then both Megan and David knew what they were walking into."

Those words repeated over in Larry's mind as he made his way to Megan's desk. He was certain that Don did not have all of the facts. He wanted to speak to Charles but before he could do that he wanted to know what he was talking about. He wanted to know the exact circumstances of Agent Hodges death and how the rest of the team felt about what the young mathematician had done.

Megan looked up and saw Larry approaching her desk with such fierce determination set in the features of his face that she knew instantly that he had spoken with someone; probably Don. She rose to meet him and waved him into the conference room. David exchanged a look with her as she passed and he too rose from his desk and followed the physicist into the conference room.

An hour and a bag of bagels later Larry emerged from the conference room wearing a troubled expression. David's description of Charlie's injuries had disturbed him deeply and the fact that his eyesight could be irrevocably damaged was not lost on him. David sounded remarkably like Don in his own self recriminations concerning Charlie's actions. Larry gave David the same speech he had bestowed on Don earlier with a few modifications. It seemed to ease some of his angst but Larry wasn't fooled into believing that David would stop blaming himself for the unfortunate outcome of last night's events.

Larry was gratified to learn that none of the agents injured nor in fact any of the agents involved with the raid blamed Charlie for his part in last night's complications. After inspection of the crime scene it seemed that DiBenedetto's arrival and firefight with his nephew left far fewer armed men for the FBI to deal with than if they had taken on Saborgia and his men. The chief tactical investigative officer's report stated that Saborgia's men were more heavily armed than DiBenedetto's men and that a firefight within the mansion would have resulted in higher FBI fatalities. Bearing this information in mind Larry left the FBI office and drove to Huntington Memorial.


Agent's Warner and Parker took Alan back to the hospital the next morning while Trip headed back to the safe house to close out the apartment rental with the owner of the building. Alan had contacted several family members when he arrived home the previous evening. Aunt Irene was going to be staying with them for a week, a little to Alan's dismay. He certainly didn't begrudge the help and Irene had always had a soft spot for the boys, but living with her sharp barbs for a week was going to try his nerves. Still all in all he was willing to put up with just about anything to see both of his son's through this experience and perhaps he and his wife's aunt might actually find some common ground in the process.

Stan promised to stop by in the evenings to keep Alan up to speed on their business meetings and client contracts as well as helping in anyway that he could, even if it was to get Alan out of the house and away from Aunt Irene for a hour or two. Alan's brother, Mike, was going to fly to LA and would arrive four days after Irene settled in to the family home. He had thought about contacting Larry and Amita but by the time he finished calling his family it was quite late. He wasn't sure what he should tell them either. Both Larry and Amita believed that Don had died and he knew it would be a shock for them to find out the truth. He decided that he should speak to them in person.

Visiting hours didn't start until eight o'clock in the morning and Alan had gotten a late start from the house because he spent the bulk of the morning preparing places for both of his son's downstairs. With Don's fractured skull and concussion and Charlie's multiple broken ribs he didn't want to chance either one of the boys trying to navigate the stairs. He then prepared Charlie's room and the spare bedroom for Irene and Mike so that they would be comfortable.

Even though Alan began getting they house ready at six o'clock in the morning they didn't leave for the hospital until after nine AM. Alan was therefore shocked beyond measure to find Larry Fleinhardt sitting in the recliner next to Don bed when he arrived speaking quietly to his oldest son.

"Larry! What are you doing here? How did you… I… Who called you? I was going to come and see you today."

"I called him Dad."

"Believe me I nearly fainted when Don contacted me. For a moment I thought I had passed into another dimension, hearing a voice from the grave speaking to me so clearly over the telephone."

"Does Amita know?"

"No I have yet to speak to her. Don requested that I not say anything until the situation was resolved. When I leave here I will go and see her to let her know what has happened. I imagine that you will also need some assistance at home when Charles and Don are released from the hospital. Having two recuperating and very stubborn patients to contend with will be a full time job all by itself."

"Hey! I am not stubborn!"

Both Larry and Alan looked at Don without saying a word. They didn't need to because their expressions spoke clearly enough what both men thought of that ludicrous statement.

"Ok, ok I may be a little stubborn, but…"

Alan held up his hand to stop his older son's objections and as he did so he looked at Charlie's bed. It was empty.

"Where's Charlie?"

"He was taken down to another unit to be examined by the ophthalmologist and the plastic surgeon, Dad. They said he should be back by ten-thirty."

Don looked up at his father and asked him to take a seat in the recliner that Larry had just vacated to walk over toward the window.

"Look Dad, I called Larry and told him everything that was going on. Charlie said something to me this morning that really bothered me."

Alan saw the seriousness in Don's eyes and he sat down feeling a fear begin to grow in the pit of his stomach.

"Dad, when Charlie met with Alto DiBenedetto at some point he held a gun to Charlie's head to get some information from him; probably a password to open the disk that Charlie gave him."

Alan paled at these words. If Charlie had not done whatever it was that the Mob boss wanted he was certain that his boy would be dead.

"Charlie said that he wished that DiBenedetto had pulled the trigger."

"What? Oh my God! Why… Donnie, why would he say that?"

"Charlie feels responsible for Dan Hodges death. Larry went to the office before coming here and he got all of the details about last night's raid. When Charlie gets back, I think we should let Larry talk to him; alone."

Alan looked over at Larry and felt a torrent of emotions pass through him. Larry had been more than a teacher or mentor to Charlie. He was truly his son's best friend and would go to the ends of the earth for him or in Larry's case the ends of the cosmos. Larry had always been able to get through to Charlie in a way that only Margaret had ever been able to. He was grateful to this man for always standing steadfast by his son, and deeply appreciated the offer of help with the boys when they were released from the hospital. Even with these feelings, a part of Alan's mind felt jealous that Larry wanted to comfort Charlie when despair troubled his heart. He was Charlie's father, he had nursed him when he was ill, he had comforted him when he was scared or hurt. Wasn't it his place to be there for his son now? How could this man want to take a father's place at his son's side while such fell thoughts ran through his mind?

Larry must have been able to read the emotions that the older man was feeling because he stepped away from the window and came over to sit on the edge of Don's bed facing the older man.

"Alan, please understand that I am not trying to take the place of a loving parent. It would take me awhile to tell you everything that I have learned from Megan and David concerning this matter and I am uncertain what I should reveal to you and what would be considered classified. I gave Megan very little choice in the matter when I approached her this morning."

"That's alright, Larry. I suppose that you shouldn't tell me everything that happened, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure I want to have all of those details. What I am sure of is that Charlie did not act against his true convictions. His heart was in the right place and he acted with an honorable cause in mind. He was only trying to save his family from what he saw as an irrevocable threat. Perhaps you should be the one to speak to him. Charlie has always listened to you and followed your advice."

"Well, I'm not sure that is all together accurate, but I have on many occasions been able to break down his stubborn defenses. Charles is a logical man and will see reason when it is presented to him in an ordered structure. I may lay the facts out for him and offer my support as a friend but he will still need the comfort of his family above anything I can say to him. That is where the true healing of this entire abysmal experience will come."

Charlie arrived back on the isolation ward just past ten thirty. Larry was appalled by his appearance and he stayed in the room so that he could speak with him while Alan and Don left to consult with the ophthalmologist.

Larry sat for a moment looking at Charlie before speaking. Charlie couldn't seem to meet his gaze. He closed his eyes and laid his head back on the pillows and spoke softly to his friend.

"I know what you must be thinking. If you had known what I was up to you never would have helped me. I was so focused on what I wanted to accomplish that I didn't consider the fallout of my actions. It's not for me…"

Charlie opened his eyes then and looked directly at Larry.

"I wanted this price off our heads and what happened to me happened. I don't really care about that, but because of what I did a good man was killed; a father, a husband. My life isn't worth that price. Even Don's life isn't worth the price an innocent man paid."

Larry sat back studying Charlie. It was clear that he was taking the full burden of this agent's death on himself.

"Charles, you are an immeasurably gifted mathematician, and you have the ego to go along with that brilliance."

Charlie had not expected that response and opened his good eye wide in surprise. He opened his mouth to say something but Larry cut him off.

"Like Ptolemiac Theory, you are making the assumption that the events of last evening were centered on you and your actions. You are presuming that Agent Hodges would be alive and well if Alto DiBenedetto were not at Anthony Saborgia's mansion last night. This assumption is in error. I spoke with Megan and David and have seen the tactical investigative officer's report of the scene. You do not have all of the pertinent data."

"What are you talking about? The FBI didn't know that DiBenedetto was going to show up and have a shoot out with them. It was one of DiBenedetto's men that killed Dan!"

"I am only suggesting that you take a more Copernican view."

Charlie was getting irritated and his ribs were sore enough to labor his breathing, but that didn't change the tone of his almost breathless voice.

"A Copernican view? Larry the fact remains that what I did caused Alto DiBenedetto to go to Saborgia's place armed and ready to fight."

The fire left Charlie's voice as he winced in pain. When he continued it was with defeat in his tone.

"I don't see how this whole incident doesn't rest fully on my shoulders. I dealt with this problem with tunnel vision not considering the ramifications or the collateral damage that it would cause."

"Once again Charles, you are jumping to conclusions that are unsupported in fact. This is very sloppy and not on par with your usual meticulous standards in logical deduction. Both Megan and David knew of Alto DiBenedetto's presence on the premises before they arrived. The fact that DiBenedetto's men killed all of Anthony Saborgia's men left a smaller hostile force for the FBI tactile teams to deal with. The fact that Alto DiBenedetto was found to have gunshot residue on his hands and the gun that shot Anthony Saborgia in his possession left the FBI the means to get a warrant to search all of Mr. DiBenedetto's businesses and his home for information relating to the investigation. With that warrant it is likely that between the search of both DiBenedetto and Saborgia's home and business holdings the authorities will be able to gather enough legitimate evidence to shut down one of the most powerful crime syndicates in Southern California."

Charlie just sat there staring at Larry not knowing what to say. Some of the guilt that weighed so heavily on his heart lifted a little. Larry could see his young friend processing what he had been told and felt as though he had reached him which lightened his own heaviness. Larry saw Charlie wincing in pain again and placed a gentle hand on his forearm.

"Let me get the nurse. It seems to me that you could use some pain medication."

Charlie smiled wanly at his mentor which turned to another grimace of pain. Larry got up quickly and left for the unit desk outside just as Alan, Don and the ophthalmologist were finished speaking. Alan turned to Larry with a smile on his face which eased Larry's mind. They must have gotten good news about Charlie.

"How is he feeling, Larry?"

"Right now he is in pain. I've come out to see if he can be given something for that. I take it you had good news about his eyesight?"

Alan and Don both looked very concerned by Larry's statement but Alan answered Larry inquiry first.

"The damage to his eye looks worse than it actually is. The optic nerve is intact and the problems he had moving his eye last night are not apparent today. The doctor said that it is quite possible that the previous muscle impingement corrected itself as the swelling abated."

It was Larry's turn to look concerned.

"His eye and face were more swollen last night?"

Don glanced over toward the door to their shared room.

"Believe it or not, yes. He may look pretty bad right now but he looked far worse last night. You said he's in pain. Is it from his broken ribs?"

"If his labored breathing is an indication I would say that is what is causing his discomfort at the moment."

Alan stepped closer to the physicist.

"How is he feeling now that you have had a chance to speak with him?"

"He has a lot to think about but I believe I was able to put things into perspective for him a little better."

Dr. Belton stepped up to the men as they spoke. She looked exhausted but smiled a greeting to them that belayed the circles under her eyes.

"Good morning gentlemen. I wanted to know how Charlie was doing this morning. I spoke with Dr. Chooen and he told me that the prognosis was good for his eye and his eyesight."

Alan smiled a little. "That is the best news we have had all morning. Larry here is a close friend and he has been speaking with Charlie about what happened last night…"

This caused Dr. Belton to frown.

"…not to upset him, Doctor, but to ease his mind. Charlie felt responsible for that death I mentioned to you. Larry helped him to see things from a different point of view, but he is in a lot of pain with the broken ribs. Is there something that he can have to help with that?"

"Charlie is no longer my patient but I will be happy to examine him and make a recommendation to the attending on the floor."

With that she moved off to the room and closed the door behind her. When she came out she went immediately to the unit desk to speak with the charge nurse. After a few minutes she stepped over to Alan and the others.

"I have asked the charge nurse to order some pain medication for Charlie. He looks better today and hasn't had any unresponsive episodes during the night so it should be safe to give him those kinds of drugs now."

She pulled a card out of her pocket and handed it to Alan.

"I am off now, but if you have any questions or concerns about Charlie please feel free to give me a call."

"Thank you very much Dr. Belton. We really appreciate everything that you have done."

The nurse came over to where Alan, Larry and Don were glancing at her watch as she approached.

"Excuse me gentlemen, but Agent Eppes needs to go back to his room now. The doctors will be here any minute to make rounds and if he wants to be released he needs to be seen."

Don didn't need to hear any more than that. He took hold of the wheels on the sides of the chair and wheeled himself into the room before Alan could put the card that Dr. Belton had given him in to his pocket. Larry left to go speak with Amita and Agents Warner and Parker told Alan that they would go down to the cafeteria for coffee while the doctor examined his son's.

"Are you heading back to the east coast today?" Don asked over his shoulder as he navigated the chair through the doorway into the room. Jess is the one who answered.

"That depends on what Director Thompkins tells Trip this morning. There will be paper work to do and cars to return. We may be around for another day or two, but either way we'll make sure we say goodbye before we leave."

Charlie turned his face toward the door.

"You're leaving?"

Jess stepped into the room after Don and Alan had cleared the doorway, then stepped over to Charlie's bed.

"I'm not sure when we leave. I'm kind of hoping that we'll be around long enough to see you safely home."

"Well I suppose with Saborgia and Pretoria both dead and DiBenedetto in jail there isn't much reason for you to stay."

"Everything depends on what Director Thompkins says to Trip today."

Charlie remembered the package he had asked Trip to send certified mail to Director Thompkins.

"I gave Trip a package to send certified mail to Bob Thompkins. Did he do that yet?"

"Yeah, he sent it overnight. The director should have it by now, why?"

Charlie didn't look too happy. He wished that he could stop the package from arriving but it was too late.

"Charlie, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just… it's nothing."

Jess wasn't convinced but he let the matter drop. He would call Trip when they left and find out what the package was all about. The two NSA agents left the isolation ward as a small group of doctors with medical students came in doing rounds.

Trip was already on his way to Huntington when Jess called him about Charlie's reaction to the package he had mailed for him. Trip had already received a call from Director Thompkins who had received the package nearly two hours ago.

Trip had contacted Megan and gotten an update on Charlie's condition and was able to give a fairly detailed report of all of last night's events to the director who instructed Trip, Jess and Matt to stay in LA at least until the Eppes men were out of the hospital and home.

Bob Thompkins was a quiet man who approached almost every situation with a calm reserve but what ever was in that package had rattled the director and it showed in his voice. Trip knew better than to ask what the package was but he felt a little uneasy by the disquiet it caused in his boss.

Don was cleared for release from the hospital after the morning rounds but they wanted to keep Charlie until the next day due to his injuries and prolonged loss of consciousness the previous evening. Don and Alan stayed with Charlie until four o'clock when he insisted that they go home. He wanted to sleep anyway and they were doing no good just sitting around the hospital.

Don had noticed that his brother seemed less depressed but he still had a decided air of melancholy about him. He left somewhat reluctantly with his father and the three NSA agents but told Charlie that they would be back in the morning.

When Alan and Don arrived home Don had begun to feel very dizzy again and had a little trouble getting up the front steps to the house and was beginning to wonder that the vertigo and nausea were going to be permanent additions to his life. He had wanted to make a trip to Cedar's to see Colby but that idea was stoutly vetoed by his father.

"Don, you are in no condition to go gallivanting around town. You need to rest and recuperate. That was the condition agreed upon so that you could be released from the hospital."

"I know, Dad. I just wanted to check on him and see how he's doing."

Don sounded a little defensive and Alan understood how his son felt. He too was concerned about the welfare of the agent who had saved his son's life.

"I'll give Megan a call and get an update for you. Once you can get through a full day without nearly passing out or throwing up, and if he is allowed visitors, I'll personally drive you there myself; deal?"

"Deal."


Charlie had a hard time sleeping that evening. He had thought about what Larry said to him and it did ease his guilt over Dan's death, but he still felt as though he had acted against the principals he had grown up with. As he lay in bed he went over everything that had happened over the last several weeks in his mind, trying to find some justifications for his actions.

The anxiety attacks had stopped, but he remembered how intensely frightening they had been. That kind of constant stress was more than adequate explanation for setting up a negative mind set. He thought about the printing press room and listening to Jon being brutally murdered and then knowing that he was also about to die.

As he thought back to that moment in time he realized that he harbored some anger that he was not murdered the way Jon had been. Shelly Arbury had purposely kept him alive, and forced him to listen to what she had done to the agent; allowing him to believe that he was going to suffer the same fate. Then when she stapled that note to his chest and drugged him rather than killing him. He was left only with the memory of Jon's screams, the smell of his blood and the sounds of his death to consume his thoughts.

That was when he began to feel his heart turning cold and ruthless. That was when he began to know true hatred. It scared him that he had the capacity to feel those things, yet the rage burning inside also acted as catharsis for him. It allowed him to get a firm grip on the fear that had plagued him from the onset of this case. It allowed him a measure of control while motivating him into action, but at what price?

As he sat in front of his mother's grave a new fear entered his soul. Was he really turning into the type of person capable of the atrocities committed by Shelly Arbury or any of a hundred other homicidal criminals? He remembered questioning when a person becomes like Shelly Arbury. What was the catalyst that caused a person to become cruel; to act without conscience?

He thought that after the moment in the storeroom when he couldn't shoot her, when he only pulled the trigger to keep her from plunging a knife into his brother's chest that he had conquered those demons, but he wasn't so sure about that anymore.

When he contacted Alto DiBenedetto to trade the information about his nephew embezzling money from him to get the contract on their lives rescinded he knew that DiBenedetto would kill Saborgia. DiBenedetto had nearly killed him just for looking into his personal and business financial records.

No matter how Charlie tried to justify his actions he still knew perfectly well that he was culpable in the death of many people. Anthony Saborgia and the men that worked for him were by no means innocent bystanders but they are all dead now because of a choice that he made. When he handed that disk over to Alto DiBenedetto he might just as well have pulled the trigger himself.

This is what kept him awake now. He still felt horrible about Dan's death but he had decided that Larry was right. He was not responsible for that death. He was, however, responsible for all of the others and he wasn't sure how to feel about that.

He remembered what he had said to Don that afternoon in the cemetery sitting in front of his mother's grave. The words echoed hollowly in his head.

"I have never believed that people are born evil. If that were true then evil would be a symptom, a biological anomaly. It would be something that is quantifiable, something that can be measured and predicted. So what makes a person evil? What experiences change a person's basic makeup and twist it into something that it wasn't before that experience? This woman, this killer; she was an infant at one time. Was she evil then? She was a toddler, a little girl, a teenager, a young woman. When did she change from the innocent that she was at birth to the kind of person who can do the things that she is doing? What made her feel so much hatred?"

"I feel so much hate for this woman that I feel like I'm losing myself. Is this the experience that begins to change me into something that I wasn't before this all happened?"

"I'm not naive nor am I innocent, Don. I know that there are unimaginable horrors in this world. There really are monsters. Will I be one in ten years time?"

Had he actually taken the first steps down the road that would lead him to becoming no better than Shelly Arbury? Had his soul begun to fester and decay somehow allowing him to willingly and knowingly cause another human being's death? These thoughts; these unanswerable questions plagued him throughout the night. By morning he was convinced that he had become what he feared. He had become the 'monster'.