Evaluate This!

Chapter 18

Runaway Bride…I mean…Groom…oh and Physiatrist.


"Good morning."

Harry rolled over, blinking up at the insanely jovial face. "Wha canyou possiblyyyy wannt." Harry moaned, pulling the blankets over his head.

"Come on now. You're the only one left. UP!" Miriam yanked the covers off. "See. No one but you and me." She grinned, setting down a thick, white, frilly…thing, on Harry's bed.

"What's that?" Harry asked, sitting up.

Miriam sat down; flipping the frilly thing up and facing it so Harry could get a real good look at it. "Our wedding album, darling."

Harry's eyes grew wide. There were pictures…and weird trimming, and lace...and…

"What are you going to do with that?"

Miriam smiled sweetly.

Harry cringed. At that moment, Harry hated women.

"Come on. It's not hard. Harry, all you've got to do is pose just like this." Miriam held up a doctored photo of Harry and herself. "See, you just need to tilt your head to the left. No the other left."

Harry looked heaven ward. "Please help me." He pleaded with whatever force was in control of his life.

"Oh, Harry!" Miriam stamped her foot. "It's not that hard! Just do it."

Grumbling, Harry turned sideways, posing in what he thought was a very macho—and so not him—pose. "You sound like a Nike commercial."

Miriam ignored him, opting to fuss with his hair. "Make it lie flat."

Harry rolled his eyes. "You think it would always look like this if I could do that, huh?" It was bad enough that she was making him get all the fake pictures she'd made into real photographs, but they had an audience.

Harry could not be more gratefully for Ron's attention disorder than he was now. His friend was asleep, his head tilted back, across the room. Ron's fiancée however looked as if she were contemplating the best method of smothering him to death.

Harry shook his head.

"Harry!" Miriam smacked him. "Why did you move? I had everything perfect."

"Don't you think you're taking this a bit too far?"

Miriam glared at him.

"I'm sorry, I was wrong." Harry bowed his head, staring at his feet.

"About time you figured that out. Now look up."

Charlotte looked over Ron's face. She had to admit, he wouldn't be so bad looking if he'd do something with his hair.

Something moved—and giggled—outside the open door. Charlotte looked up—the hallway outside was empty. Shaking her head, she returned her attention to the sleeping Gryffindor.

Smirking, she decided he was getting a bit too comfortable, picking up a book she stood, letting it drop with a thud that could wake the dead.

The noise reverberated around the room, rousing the sleeping Ron.

"ALIENS ARE ATTACKING! WHERE'S MY WAND!" Ron jumped up, his wand in hand and spun around.

"Um…" Harry looked to Miriam.

Miriam rolled her eyes. "Yes, Ron, the aliens are attacking, go shoo them away would you?"

"Come on, Ron-boy, let's go get those big bad aliens." Charlotte took the pale redhead by the arm.

"NO! They are after me. They are covered in black hair…they have four eyes." Ron pleaded with them.

"So…Harry was after you?" Charlotte asked.

"Hey!" Harry cried indignantly. "I am not covered in black hair."

Miriam looked him over. "You sure about that?"

Harry looked down. "AHHHHHH!" he ran his hands over his thick black coat of hair.

"I was thinking more something along the lines of 'aww', you look cute." Miriam observed. "Hey, you moved."

Harry's eyes opened wide. "Of course I moved, I'm covered in hair and…" he ran his hand through his hair. "I've got ears!"

Ron calmed somewhat as he looked at his friend. "And a tail." He added innocently.

Harry looked at his bottom and sure enough a very hairy, fluffy, and black tail was there. "No. NO. No. NO. NO. NO. Noooooo…. what did you do to me? No. Don't answer that." Harry ran across the room, yanking the curtains from the window and wrapping them around himself. "Where's Hermione! Where's Hermione?"

He ran out of the room, accidentally knocking into Ron, who fell hard to the ground.

"He makes a cute cat. Don't you think?" Miriam asked, looking to Ron. "Erm…Ron, uh…"

"Oh, I'm not hurt." Ron said. "I fell on the couch."

Miriam shook her head. "Uh…that's not a couch…"

"Imgonannafrigsssinkillssyou."

Ron looked down. "Oh my Merlin! Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry. Sorry." He rolled off Charlotte, his face bright red. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he squeaked as Charlotte stood, "I'm sorry." He managed once more before she looked up at him. "Oh god."

"I'm so going to freaking kill you." Charlotte mumbled.

"It was an accident, Charlotte, Ron didn't mean it, just calm down."

Charlotte glanced at Miriam, her eyes glittering. "I am calm."

Ron let out a sigh of relief.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Ron tore out of the room, Charlotte right on his tail.

"Somebody help me!" Ron screamed as he ran down the deserted hallway.

Miriam stuck her head out of the door and watched as the two rounded the corner. "Yep, very calm."


Draco closed the portrait behind him quietly. He'd finally managed to lose Pansy on the moving staircases. Having proudly bought himself some more time, he now looked for the second thing on his agenda. Hermione.

He found her with her back turned, slowly he crept up behind her, putting his hands over her eyes.

"Guess who?"

"Malfoy."

"Damn."

"Well, I got it right, don't I get a prize."

Draco removed his hands, smirking. "Sure, but you probably won't like it."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You'd be right."

"Rain check then?"

Hermione pushed him away. "I've got work to do, and I don't see why you keep trying to…" she shook her head. "Do, whatever it is you're doing."

Draco sat down, motioning for her to do the same. Hermione sat. "Let's do this logically. You like to do things in order, right?" Hermione nodded, completely confused. "Good, then let's try and have a normal conversation—and be civil with each other."

"Fine."

Draco stared at her.

"You did say conversation, Malfoy—and that usually implies that your mouth has to move and coherent words must come out, forming sentences that then in turn explain what the hell you want."

He didn't say anything.

"This is just a waste of my time."

Draco nodded. "Yes, it is. Now that you know what it's like to be ignored for no reason, we can begin."

"You're being childish."

"So were you." Draco pointed out. "What you did the other day, was, lets just say, completely uncalled for."

"What are you talking about now? We ignored you—grow up. Not everyone is going to wait on you hand and foot your whole life."

"No. I meant you two deliberately baiting me because somehow—I've yet to figure out when, you two made a bet and then did what you did until I lost it."

Shrugging, Hermione looked away. "So? I lost. You don't see me being 'hey, everyone, this is unfair, I should have won' now do you?"

Draco closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Okay. I've got no clue as to what you're talking about…"

Hermione sighed, leaning back. "Just say whatever it is you're going to say, I've got orders to place."

Draco shook his head. "What I said the other day. I meant it."

"Meant what?"

"That I wish you were the one I was marrying."

"I'm not." Hermione pointed out.

"That is one thing I do know."

"So?"

"So…" Draco eyed the door. "Why don't we elope?"

"WHAT?"

"You know what the word means, don't you?"

"Of course I do. Malfoy, that's insane. Elope, are you crazy?"

Draco weighed his options. "Elope or marry a troll." He considered them. "And no, I'm not crazy. We Malfoy's are perfect."

"Perfectly crazy." Hermione mumbled.

"I'll ignore that last comment."

Hermione ran her hand through her hair. "It's not a real marriage."

Draco stood. "That's what you think. But I wouldn't put it pass Pansy to do something to make the whole thing official. Do you know how hard it is to end a marriage in this world?"

Hermione shook her head.

"Let's just say it isn't done often."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"But why would you want to…go with me?"

"I thought I told you. Elope or marry a troll."

Hermione shook her head. "No, why me?"

Draco stared. "I thought that was obvious as well."

Hermione shook her head, rubbing her eyes. "I can't deal with this. I've got too much going on."

"I know. So, even though the whole eloping thing is high on my to do list…I just need you to make sure that…Pansy doesn't actually marry me."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"You're the one with the brains."

"That I am."

"Will you help me? She had herself engaged to me without me having any idea about it, and then somehow the school just happens to decide we must try marriage…I really don't want to be truly married. And I trust that you wouldn't want someone to be stuck for life in a predicament that he did not choose." Draco watched Hermione as she thought it over. "No matter how horrible that person has been to you in the past." He added, watching a small smile cross her face.

Sighing Hermione closed her eyes. "Of course not, I have a heart."

"Then please, for the love of Merlin, use it."

"Okay, I'll do my best to make sure your marriage isn't…binding."

"Thank you."

I've spent my whole life surrounded
and I've spent my whole life alone
I wonder why I never wonder why
The easiest things are so hard
I just want, I just want love
I just want something
Something for nothing
Something, something for nothing

I'm a beggar and I'm a chooser
I'm accused, I'm an accuser
But nothing's unconditional

I hold the whole world accused
I've only got myself to blame
I wonder why; I never wonder why
The easiest things are so hard

I just want, I just want love


Draco gazed at Hermione as she filled out forms and flipped through the stack of books on her desk.

"Why do you think they didn't pair you with someone—you know, to marry?" He asked.

Hermione paused. "I don't know—haven't thought about it, actually. Why do you ask?"

Draco shrugged. "I guess, to me, it seems kind of malicious. You know, they aren't allowing you to participate—kind of like saying 'oh well, she'll never get married, let's not get her hopes up'."

Hermione looked up, shocked. "Do you really think that?"

Draco didn't say anything.

Standing, Hermione walked away. "You know, that was low, even for you."

"I didn't mean it like that." Draco sighed. "I do think that that is what they were thinking." He sighed. "But, I don't think that it is true."

Hermione faced him, her eyes brimming with tears. "You're just saying that now, so that I won't cry." She wiped a tear off her cheek. "Or kill you."

Draco shrugged. "I've been considering death a lot lately. But, no I do mean it. And crying doesn't bother me. If anything…" He gently laid a hand on her shoulder.

"No." Hermione shook her head—unsure exactly what she was objecting to.

Draco brought her closer; he softly brought his hand to her head, running his fingers through her hair and coaxed her to lay her head on his shoulder.

"See, that doesn't hurt." Draco whispered.

Hermione sniffled. "Yes, yes it does. Caring hurts—it hurts so much."

Draco kissed the top of her head, hugging her close. "You just have to let it happen, Hermione. Liking, caring for someone hurts—yes…but if you let them care for you back…" Draco felt butterflies in his stomach. Not only was he trying to convince her to take a chance…he was also trying to convince himself.

Hermione lifted her head, meeting his eyes. "I don't know what it is I feel."

And she was right—the feelings he had, confused the hell out of him. He didn't know what to do…how to do it…or if he even wanted to do anything. Everything was so damn complicated. Draco brushed his lips against her cheek. "I don't think you're supposed to." He kissed her then, his lips light on hers as he hoped to god this was not a mistake.

Hermione felt the emotions flood over her, her heart…

The loud knocking broke them apart. Hermione jumped, her face reddening.

The looked at each other as the knocking continued.

"Who is it?" Draco called, not yet releasing Hermione.

"Drakie, open this door. I need to talk to you! Drakie?"

Hermione unwound his arms and stepped back. She wouldn't meet his eyes; instead she walked over to the door.

"Please, don't let her in."

Hermione shook her head, wiping the tears from her face. "I have to." She opened the door.

But it wasn't Pansy who stood outside the door. It was Blaise and Ginny.

Draco fell back into a chair as the visitors entered and Hermione closed the door. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Impersonate Pansy?"

"Yeah, that."

"Oh, well, we were bored. So, we decided to come visit, then on the way up here we ran into a very…befuddled Pansy."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Stupid idiot ran into a moving staircase, knocked her out cold."

Ginny giggled. "It looked like she did more than run into a staircase."

Draco shrugged. "So maybe after she was knocked out, I rolled her down a flight of stairs."

"Draco!" Hermione's eyes were wide her mouth open in shock.

"Believe me, she deserved it."

"That is inexcusable behavior, you should be…"

"Proud of myself? Why thank you, I am."

Hermione shook her head.

Ginny and Blaise exchanged looks. "And we were wondering if either of you have seen Ron today at all?" Ginny asked, her smile twitching.

Hermione shook her head. "He was with Harry and Miriam this morning…I haven't seen him since."

Ginny elbowed Blaise in the ribs. "Err…well, it seems—this may not be true—but there's a…a…rumor—that's the word—a rumors going around that Charlotte turned Ron into, uh, well, into a bride, and then…"

"It's a long story." Ginny cut him off. "I'm not sure if it's true or not. I heard it from Miriam, but we haven't been able to find Harry, or Charlotte, or Ron."

"Oh my." Hermione sat down. "This could be bad."

"We also heard tales of a rather large cat that bears a remarkable resemblance to the boy who lived running around the castle." Blaise chuckled.

Draco sat up. "You mean someone turned Potter into a feline?"

"That's the rumor." Ginny nodded, her eye twitching.

"Sweet."

"Draco!"

"Well it is."

"Aren't they cute?" Ginny purred.

Blaise nodded. "Yes, I think so."

"What do you think we should do with them?" Ginny asked.

"What? What are you guys talking about?" Hermione stood, backing away as Ginny stepped closer to her.

"Don't move Hermione, we'd hate to have to cut the fun short by putting you in a body bind."

"Erm, Blaise, is your friend there psychotic?" Draco asked, wearily eyeing Ginny as she pointed her wand at Hermione.

Blaise looked at Draco. "Don't you move either, Draco."

Hermione and Draco looked at each other, mirrored expressions of 'oh shit' on their faces.

"What should we do?" Blaise asked Ginny.

"Well, we turned Harry into a were-cat..."

"And put Ron in a wedding dress…"

"…Made Longbottom give Professor Snape a hug…"

"That was a classic."

"It was you're idea."

"Thank you, I'm brilliant."

"That you are."

Draco stared wide-eyed as the two talked. "You're both insane."

"Be quiet please."

"Then we caught Ms. Danna in Mr. McGale's office…"

"That was fun…I wonder when they'll be back?"

"What did you do?" Hermione asked.

"You be quiet too, please."

"Let's just say that Ms. Danna had a sudden urge to take off running and that somehow Mr. McGale found himself tied with invisible string that was attached to the sprinting Ms. Danna."

"Don't worry, Hermione."

"We put him in a nice protective…"

"And bouncy, bubble."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Oh, now I feel a whole lot better." She said sarcastically.

"So, back to them. What do you think we should do?"

"They are adorable together."

"Something simple maybe?"

"A binding charm?"

"Oh shit." Draco murmured.

"You guys can't be serious? Ginny, come on, we're friends, why are you doing this?"

Ginny smiled, "You have no idea how much fun this is. I've always been more like Fred and George than I let on."

"That's why they put you two together." Hermione realized.

"Yep. She's a smart one, isn't she?" Blaise asked.

"Very." Ginny agreed.

"Can I ask you a question Blaise?"

Blaise shrugged. "Sure."

"Did you do anything to Pansy?"

Blaise smiled.

"She loves to tell stories that…you know, never happened?" Ginny asked. Draco nodded.

"So, well, this probably won't be very good for the two of you, but you should have seen Pansy's face. We told her some…."

"Rather inventive tales about the two of you."

"You didn't!" Hermione shrieked. "There is nothing going on between me and Draco."

"Aww, she called him Draco." Ginny sighed. "It's about time."

"We keep getting off topic Ginny. What should we do with them?"

Hermione cringed, looking over to Draco, who only shrugged.

Draco couldn't meet Hermione's eyes. This might not be so bad…he thought…after all they seemed to think him and Hermione would be good together…and he had to agree with that.

"I've got it!" Ginny proclaimed, Blaise leaned down and she whispered in his ear.

"Good one." They looked up and smiled.


A cold hand pushed at Hermione. She jerked up. "Ahh!"

"Shh. Don't scream." The hushed voice hissed.

Hermione's eyes opened wide. "Who is that?"

"P—Pansy." Hermione heard the voice sputter.

"How did you get in here?"

Hermione heard a whispered spell and the room was illuminated by a small ball of fire in Pansy's hand. "I got the password from Ms. Danna in case of an emergency, it's an emergency."

Hermione looked up at the tear-streaked face. "What happened?"

Pansy's voice trembled as she began sobbing. "I…I think…DRACO'S CHEATING ON ME!"

"Why do you think that?"

"HE'S IN YOUR BED!"