Soul 42.5: The 150 Review Special
Why 150 reviews? Especially when I didn't do anything for 100 review, or the year anniversary? Because I want to, that's why!!
Dedicated to Dark Wolf.
The room was brightly colored, almost sickeningly so. Inspirational posters lined the walls, including the mood poster that featured different faces that looked like Bill Waterson's Calvin. Uncomfortable-yet-trendy chairs were set in a circle in the middle of the room, surrounding a coffee table with, surprising, coffee, along with bagels and cream danishes.
It was slowly getting to be 6:00, and people started filing in reluctantly, casting nervous glances toward each other. A sprightly young therapist sat at what looked impossibly like the head of the perfectly round circle of chairs.
When the last person completed the circle, the therapist giddily rang a little bell. It was a wonder she didn't immediately fall over dead from the glares she was receiving on all accounts.
"Oh, it's so wonderful all of you could make it. Since this is our first meeting, I'll get things started slowly. As you know, this is the Severely Depressed Anime/Fanfiction Characters Support Group. My name is Dr. Bunny, but you can call me Happy!"
Low growls could be heard from a few in the group.
"Now," she went on, completely oblivious to the sheer hatred of her that permeated the room, "I want you all to introduce yourselves. First tell your name, and what you like to be called. Then tell where you're from, and finally what brought you to this group. Like this: My name is Dr. Bunny, but you can call me Happy. I am from UnromanticPoetess's limited imagination, and I came to this group because you're all crazy and you need a therapist. Ok, now follow my example. We'll start with you," she pointed to the person beside her.
The teen adjusted his sword on his back and peered through the long purple hair covering his face. He looked like the master of brooding. "I…" he paused dramatically, "… am Trunks, though most of the people I know who happen to be living a happier life than I could ever dream call me Mirai because they can't take the brainpower to differentiate between me and the other Trunks who had the chance to grow up to live in a normal happy environment. I come from a future where the androids have destroyed everything and left only the rubble of civilization. I came here because I spend most of my time wallowing in the deepest of despair and I'm losing the ability to differentiate between my frequent depressing flashbacks and my equally depressing reality… and my mom told me I needed to get out of the house more. Um…" he looked around to see how everyone was staring at him, and then quickly hid his face behind his hair. "Thank you," he mumbled.
The other demi-Saiyan next to him rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Look, at least you still have your family."
Dr. Bunny looked over to him. "Well, Goten, it looks like you want to go next."
Goten heaved a sigh. "Fine, though I really need to be training right now. My name is Son Goten, and I've also been stuck with the stupid title The Spider Master. I am from UnromanticPoetess's depressing work "The Soul." I'm here because I have nothing better to do while the Poetess sits on her lazy duff and doesn't write. And I'm dead – see the halo? And my wife is in the Lower Realms of Hell never to return. And my son has been kidnapped by my murderer. And I hate my father."
Goku looked up from across the circle. "Hey, I thought you'd gotten over that!"
Goten glared back. "Hey, you can't just get over a lifetime of resentment. Besides, you're not supposed to know that yet. And it's not like you've gotten over your depression."
Goku stuck his bottom lip out. "It's a major plot point now."
Dr. Bunny felt herself losing control over the group, not to mention her smile. "Goku, why don't you introduce yourself now?"
Goku grinned. "Hi! I'm Goku. I'm…" he stopped, catching himself. His face suddenly slumped, his eyes deadened, and his voice dropped a few pitches. "My name is Goku. I'm from UnromanticPoetess's "The Soul," too."
Across the room, Krillen's head popped up. "She's made a sequel?"
Trunks snorted. "She'd have to finish this one first."
"All right!" Dr. Bunny shouted, then regained her cheery composure. "Goku, you may continue."
Goku cocked his head. "What was the question?"
Goten heaved a sigh. "Why are you here?!"
Goku glared. "Listen, Goten, if you don't want me here…"
Krillen put her hands up calmingly. "No, Goku, Goten was telling you the question."
"Oh!" Goku grinned, then caught himself again and sulked. "I'm here because I'm really depressed, and I'm not going to tell anyone why… and Chichi said I needed to get out of the house."
Dr. Bunny took a few calming breaths. "All right, it looks like we've got a little father/son angst, but we can address that in a minute. Vegeta, why don't you go first?"
Silence.
"Vegeta?"
Krillen nudged Vegeta in the ribs. "Hey, Veggie, she's talking to you."
Vegeta looked up from his own private chug contest. "Huh?"
Goku started cracking up, again forgetting that he was depressed. "Krillen called you Veggie!"
Vegeta growled. The next second Krillen was lying on the ground, blood oozing out of his head. His eyes were covered over with little x's."
"Finally," Trunks commented. "Maybe he'll stay…"
Krillen popped up after a white-handed starfield ran through the room. "No such luck," Krillen commented.
Dr. Bunny decided to ignore what had just happened. She noticed that Vegeta was getting interested in his beer bottles again, so she jumped in. "Vegeta, please tell us your name, where you're from, and why you came here."
Vegeta threw a bottle behind him, smiling faintly as he heard it crash. "My name is Vegeta," he said amiably. "I come from Dark Wolf's saga "A Saiyan's Worth." I'm actually from the middle of the story, but I'm here because he's no better at updating than the Poetess." That being said, he quickly lost interest and went back to drinking.
Dr. Bunny's smile was starting to look as forced as Goku's. "All right… Krillen, I think it was. If you're going to stay alive, you might as well tell us who you are."
Krillen was startled to find himself the center of everyone's attention, excluding Vegeta's. "Hi, I'm Kuririn, though my friends don't bother to remember that and just call me Krillen. I'm from "Sarie Mue" by UnromanticPoetess and Howler Wolfe. I was referred here from the hospital after being treated for poison. You see, the Spiny Screaming Crab of Death tried to make my ear his new home, and since I was paralyzed at the time…"
"That's nice, Krillen," Dr. Bunny said airily, obviously having ignored Krillen entirely. "Now, who else to we have? Scott?"
The short, spiky-haired teen looked up. "I'm Scott Evil, although idiot fan girls still call me Oz. I'm from all of the Austin Powers movies, and I'm here because my dad wants me to be evil, and I want to be a veterinarian."
"And evil veterinarian?" Dr. Evil chimed in, pinky at the corner of his mouth.
Scott looked up, exasperated. "You see?"
Dr. Bunny nodded. "Ok… well… we've heard from you… Scott. Now… uh… you, tell us a little about yourself." She indicated Dr. Evil.
"The details of my life are quite inconsequential."
"Oh, no, please… please, let's hear about your childhood," Dr. Bunny encouraged.
The others of the group egged him on… excluding Vegeta, and Goku now, who had joined him in a drinking game.
Dr. Evil looked put upon. "Very well. Where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving belingerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize… he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy… the sort of… general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon. Luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds… pretty standard… really. When I was twelve I received my first scribe. When I was fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my—"
"All right, all right!!" Dr. Bunny's eyes were popping out of her head. "Excuse me, Mr..."
"Doctor," the bald mastermind corrected.
"Dr. Evil," Dr. Bunny continued. "Are you sure you and your son are in the right group?"
Dr. Evil looked bewildered. "This isn't the support group for characters who have been quoted far too often, is it?"
There was a knock on the door, and the hair of Ace Ventura peeped in. "I found him! He's in here!" he shouted over his shoulder.
Dr. Evil looked embarrassed. "Excuse me. Come, Scott." The two walked out of the room.
Vegeta looked up unsteadily. "Hey, Ace! Could you…"
The pet detective glared back. "No! Never again!"
Vegeta laughed uncharacteristically. "Come on, do it! You know you want to."
Goku looked up with a giggle. "Yeah, come on. I wanna hear it. Please?"
Ace Ventura glared at them with uncharacteristic fury. He took a few deep breaths, and then yelled at the top of his lungs… "ALLLLLRIGHTYYYY THENN!!!!"
Everyone else sweatdropped, but the two Saiyan broke down to the floor in drunken laughter. Jim Carey's over-quoted character ran out of the room, sobbing.
Goten glared. "I hate it when Jim Carey tries to play dramatic."
Dr. Bunny felt like joining the sobbing veterinarian. "Allrighty…" she paused as the giggles from the Saiyans renewed. "Okay, she amended. "Now that we have finally gotten the introductions out of the way, we can start the session. Anyone want to open up…" more giggling from the two Saiyans, "… begin?"
"Well," Krillen said, "It all started when I met this girl named Maron. She was really beautiful, and…"
"No one?" Dr. Bunny said, oblivious to the midget's self-involved prattling. "Goten? You've already shared a little of what's going on with you."
Goten gestured dramatically at his father, who was now spinning a bottle between himself and Vegeta, while Vegeta was muttering about something being too "yaoi." "There," Goten said. "There are my problems in a nutshell."
"I thought you liked Vegeta," Trunks said.
Goten glared over at the purple-headed teen. "I wasn't talking about him, and that's not even my Vegeta. My Vegeta is uncharacteristically supportive and grown-up… the one who takes my dad's place in binding the whole group together. That," he pointed at the spiky-haired prince pushing Goku away from him, "is a worthless bum."
"Hey!" Vegeta retorted indignantly. "I have worth!"
Goku giggled. "No you don't!"
Vegeta was taken aback. "You're right! I don't! Hey, you're much better than the Kakarrot in "A Saiyan's Worth."
Goku nodded. "That Goku is probably self-righteous and thinks he's never done a wrong thing. But UnromanticPoetess decided to point out all the innocent people I've unintentionally killed, so now I'm depressed."
Vegeta frowned. "Kakarrot, how many have you had?"
Goku held up the bottle. "Including this?"
Vegeta nodded.
Goku giggled. "One."
Vegeta's eyes widened. "What the hell?"
Goku shrugged. "Blame it on UnromanticPoetess. She's the one who decided that Saiyans shouldn't be able to handle Earth liquor. At least Dark Wolf let you booze it up in relative peace."
Vegeta frowned, downing his last cold one. "Yeah, but he's the one who caused me to get depressed in the first place. He wrote my battle with Alexial. Dark Wolf hasn't been all that kind to me. He even ignored me for a while."
Goten had actually been listening. "Hey. You know, you're actually on to something. It was all UnromanticPoetess's fault that I hate my dad in the first place. Plus, she created all this other crap to happen to me to hurt me even more. She even killed me! In GT I was fairly happy. It's all the Poetess's fault!"
"And," Krillen jumped in, gaining confidence, "UnromanticPoetess and Howler Wolfe introduced me to Sarie Mue, not to mention created the Spiny Screaming Crab of Death."
Goku actually paid attention to Krillen this time. "Hey! Isn't that the story where they called me a lousy Mahjong player?"
Trunks jumped up. "And I was gay!... at least a version of me was… Anyway, let's get her!"
Goten looked up at him. "Mirai, she didn't create you. Toriyama did."
Trunks nodded. "Yeah, but we can't touch him. He's god. So I'll join you in revenge."
Krillen jumped in his chair to add to his height. "Revenge on those who would oppress us with unneeded depression!"
"And let's get Dark Wolf too!" Vegeta yelled. "How dare he make me lose a fight?!"
Dr. Bunny jumped up. "It's even worse for me! I'm a plot device! I'll never forgive the Poetess for creating me just as a lazy plot device for a stupid review special!"
"And after that," Goten concluded, "we all join Chichi's Le Resistance!"
"No!!" the Great Will screamed.
"Alrighty then!" Goku screamed, jumping to the leadership as usual. "Let's kill the fanfiction authors! We will show them no mercy! Revolt!"
The characters stormed out of the room, leaving broken beer bottles and half-eaten danishes in their wake.
Meanwhile, in pseudo-reality, UnromanticPoetess stared at her computer screen in panic. She couldn't have guessed how an innocent review special could have turned out.
Jumping up, she used Goku's teleportation, hoping she'd get there in time.
She found Dark Wolf at his computer, icing his poor knee. "Dark Wolf! We must flee! Our depressed characters are coming after us!"
Dark Wolf got up, his eyes flashing menacingly, yet with a shred of panic to them. "What did you do?"
UnromanticPoetess was panicking. "I only did what you suggested! I put my Goku and your Vegeta into therapy. Now they're blaming us!"
Dark Wolf closed his eyes, considering. "There's only one thing we can do."
"What's that?" the Poetess said desperately.
Dark Wolf gained a dramatic air. "We must put on enticing armor and battle them in intricate detail."
UnromanticPoetess cocked her head. "Can't we whine and go through dramatic angst inner monologues for a while?"
"Only if it involves drinking," Dark Wolf retorted.
UnromanticPoetess took taken aback. "Well… alrighty then."
The two sat in the middle of the floor taking shots and bemoaning their horrible, angst-filled lives… until five ki-blasts – and a pink day planner with a picture of a bunny – hit them unexpectedly, incinerating them both.
And there was much rejoicing.
Author's Notes: See what happened, Dark Wolf? See what happens when we get my Goku and your Vegeta together for therapy and partying? We die, that's what happens.
Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it. Dark Wolf has referenced me so many times in his fics, all to my delight, that I couldn't help but plug him. See y'all.
