A/N: To address some concerns: It's ok if you write a lot in your reviews. Or even if you write just a sentance. They help me write better, especially the long ones. :) Well, anyway. Enjoy!
Chapter 5
When had I stopped caring? I used to have a care for everything in the world, more or less. Now I just cared about... nothing. I hardly cared about myself anymore. Not like I'd be stupid enough to commit suicide, but I have no pride left. I found nothing good in my personality at all.
When had I become like that? Like this?
As I choked on my sobs, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I flinched, but relaxed. It was only Satoshi. See how pathetic that is? I wasn't even embarassed that he had seen my cry! Not like I should be, but he has probably never seen anyone cry. Ever.
"I'm fine," I lied, my voice cracking.
There was a long moment of silence. I know that doesn't sount like much, but believe me. It was much. It came to the point where I just didn't even bother to conceal my sudden sobbings. It came to the point where it was incredibly eire. It came to the point where Satoshi's hand got sweaty on my shoulder, which is kind of gross, but I didn't notice it at the moment in time.
"I'm sorry," he finally said after a while. We had changed our positions, our backs against the cabinet, sitting on the floor. We just sat like that.
I almost laughed. "What are you sorry for?"
He looked away from me, regret filling his eyes. "I don't know. For... for ruining your life, I guess."
I blinked. "What?"
"For getting us into this mess," he said, looking a little irritated, but more along the lines of embarassed. What would the girls back at school think when I would tell them that I saw Satoshi Hiwatari blush? "For not waking you up. For making you angry. For saying that you looked like a man. I don't know. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I ruined your life."
He crossed his arms and straightened his legs out. He couldn't look at me.
I felt something strange in my stomach, and I gave a small smile. No lie. I actually smiled. Hugging my knees to my chest, I sighed. "No." He stiffened. "You didn't ruin my life." I paused. "It would take more to actually ruin it. But I don't think it's possible that you, Hiawatari-kun, could ruin it."
He shifted his weight and adjusted his glasses. For some reason, this action seemed to say, "Really?"
I shrugged. "Look at it this way-" He glanced at me. "I'm not dead yet."
A smile. I swear to god, he flashed me a smile. A real, true, kind smile. It wasn't even a sad smile, or a forced smile, or an annoyed sneer. It was a genuine smile. It ended as soon as it came, but I had seen it. I had seen Satoshi Hiwatari smile.
He stood, stretching. I heard him grunt, but he exhaled deeply. Then he extended his arm to help me up. I was a bit confused, but I took his hand and he lifted me up with surprising ease.
It wasn't until after I had taken my shower did I notice that Satoshi had picked me up before. As in, the grip on his hand felt familiar. Or, rather... the warmth I felt when he picked me up felt familiar. At that time, I just shook it away, but I'm begining to think there was a hidden meaning in that hand. Like, a metaphor or something...
I grabbed my black baseball cap and put it on my head backwards. Satoshi held the door open for me. A strange expression occupied his face once I had put my hat on. A bit frustrated, I scowled at him.
"What?"
He cleared his throat, looked away from me, then shrugged. "Nothing. Sorry."
"Why say sorry?" I blurted this out before I could really think. I almost gasped at my forwardness, but I decided to at least act like I knew what I was doing.
He almost flinched, but withheld his professional composure. "Pardon?"
"Why did you say that you were sorry?" I asked again. He hesitated as we walked outside, and I groaned. "Oh, I get it. It's because I look like a man, isn't it?"
He coughed, shook his head a few times, and said, "That wasn't it."
I was about to call him a liar, but:
1. The bus was coming down the road.
2. He had sounded sincerely confident, so I didn't want to embarass myself.
3. He had been incredibly nice to me in the past twelve hours, so I owed him.
We boarded the bus, hoping to reach the airport soon. Sadly, it became increasingly obvious that the bus wouldn't reach the airport (or a town) for a long, long while. I spend the entire bus ride doing nothing, almost falling asleep. It was annoying, really. Mostly because I had time to refelect on past regrets. The one that came up the most often was how I had been/was treating Satoshi. He was doing a damn good job not losing his temper at me, and he was almost kind, in a weird way that only Satoshi Hiwatari can be kind.
My gaze went from the window (which was giving a very nice view of farmland), and landed upon his face. He was reading again. The same book as I had seen before. I recognized the title, but forgot what it was about. I didn't want to ask, because I knew as soon as I would, the atmosphere would become awkward. I was really too content with the silence.
Yet God hates me. So I had to say something.
"I'm sorry."
God hates me. He hates me. He hates me, he hates me, he hates me.
Satoshi blinked, losing his book world, and coming back to reality. He glanced at me, adjusted his glasses, then decided to sit back and give me a quizical look. I felt my face heat up.
"About the way I've been treating you," I mumbled, twidling my thumbs. "All you've done is been nice to me, and I... well, I... I was mean." How little kid-ish did I sound exactly?
Satoshi took a deep breath. "You've been through a lot. It's understandable."
"It doesn't make it right," I pushed on, touched by his maturity. "So I'm sorry. For putting you through my bad attitude."
Shifting his weight in the seat, he cracked his neck and yawned. He reached out, took the cap from my head and placed it upon his own. The front half covered his face as he slid down in the seat. I almost wanted to ask him why he was being so relaxed. He could change moods in an instant.
"We'll trade," he said, making no sense to me. "I'll sleep and you can read my book."
I slowly took the novel from his hands. "Uhh..."
"Just don't lose my spot," Satoshi told me. With that, he closed his eyes. His chest moved up and down as he breathed.
I was stuck, sitting there. Not really knowing what to do. "Umm..."
"It's ok," Satoshi mumbled. "You'll like it. It's a good book." I looked at the title once again (it was called House), and I wondered if Satoshi was in to these kinds of books. It looked like a clash between horror and suspense.
I finally felt myself relax as I caved. I smiled at him, and placed his bookmark in the place he had left off. "Thanks, Hiwatari-kun."
He waved it away sleepily. We were silent for a moment, while I opened the book to page 1. I was only on page 3 when he spoke again.
"In a manner of facts," Satoshi said as if it were nothing. "The cap hides your hair, which is one of the most attractive things about you." He yawned again. "Other than your eyes, that is."
There really was only one word that popped into my mind after Satoshi had said that: Huh?
Here I was, being a bipolar brat, treating him like crap half of the time. We were both lost, both running away (or that's what I assumed), both somewhat uncomfortable with each other's company. And he was calling me attractive? No, no it wasn't even that. He said that my eyes were the most attractive thing about me. What does it mean when a guy says that your eyes are the prettiest thing about you? It means he hasn't just been looking at your slim waist/pretty face/popularity status. It means he has actually been noticing things that other guys wouldn't. As in your smiles, and your personality, and what you like/dislike.
Why the hell would Satoshi Hiwatari be so observant like that? And since when?
A/N: Whoa now. Satoshi complementing Risa? (pause) Is that OOC? I tried to make it seem like it wouldn't be. Hm... Oh well. You tell me!
