Chapter 34: I Don't Want To Be You, Anymore
Songs:
idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish
Do You Remember - Jarryd James
Celeste's POV
"It's been three weeks now since the natural disaster that took place in Magadan, Russia, and scientists are still unsure as to how this occurred. Russia has never been open about the goings on in their nation, however the Russian government has announced that they themselves are at a loss as to how this happened. Climate change is the only explanation that officials can provide. The nation and many others around the globe, are announcing their efforts in creating research programs their own governments are willing to fund in order to gain more understanding into climate change."
"I guess this could be the kick the world needs to realise how important climate change is." Tony says from across the workshop.
I keep my eyes on the machine that I'm tinkering with, not adding anything. I keep listening to the news report that FRIDAY has on the hologram on the wall.
"Fortunately, the Magadan disaster was centralised in one particular area of the city. An old Soviet base, now turned manufacturing warehouse for building goods, was the only building impacted. Staff were warned only as the disaster occurred, not due to the towns lack of warning, but the fact that the disaster came out of nowhere. Unfortunately, ten human remains were found in the assessment of the disaster's aftermath. Authorities are having difficulties identifying the bodies, but as of yet, no one has come forward looking for missing persons and the factory has not reported any staff missing."
"Can you turn that off please, Tony?" I ask, irritation obvious in my voice. I don't need to be told once again what I had caused in my attempt at vengeance... however successful it was.
"Yeah kid, of course." Tony says, the report halting instantly. "Sorry, I didn't even think."
"It's fine." I say abruptly, focusing again on the machine in front of me.
"You know... if you want... I'm always here for you." Tony says softly. I look up at him, seeing sincerity on his features. "Only if you want. Or we can always do some more testing on your new abilities." He offers, knowing that I'm just as curious about my new powers as anyone else.
It turns out, when I had used all my powers against Fischer, it caused my body to mutate once again. A 'Secondary Mutation' Tony had called it. However, there wasn't much research other than a transcript of a conference at John Hopkins University where a professor who specialised in Genetics announced the possibility of a mutant's secondary mutation. This would mean more or an advancement in a mutant's powers.
Fortunately, it was not my physical appearance that mutated, just my cells. What we haven't figured out yet however, is the relevance of my new powers. They are not an advancement to my Atmokinesis. So far, what I have experienced, is similar to Wanda's Psionics, her Telekinesis; so mind reading, mind manipulation, energy manipulation, as well as advanced healing, similar to Steve's healing abilities.
My theory is that when I used my powers against Fischer, my body was under the most extreme stress it has experienced since my first mutation, causing me to mutate once again. I hypothesised that I somehow 'absorbed' their energies, gaining their own abilities. I realised something was different just before I woke up after I prevented the quinjet from crashing.
~Three weeks earlier on the jet~
Darkness was surrounding my entire being. My body, my mind. It was the type of silence that felt peaceful... almost like having a dreamless sleep, but still being somehow consciously aware that you're asleep. It was the definition of peace.
Until it wasn't.
It started out as voices. I assumed I was waking up, hearing the team chatting. I slowly opened my eyes, feeling the heavy breathing of someone behind me. The smell and arms wrapped around me, holding me to their chest were what alerted me to it being Steve. I looked around and couldn't see anyone talking, but all resting or sitting down in the jet, Clint in the cockpit. No ones lips were moving... but why could I hear voices?
The more I looked around, the more clear they sounded to me...
"I can't believe that just happened... there's fire lighting one second, then it's all clear skies a second later".
Sam.
"Celeste and Nat are right... I need to continue practicing, even in my own time... I can't hesitate like that again."
Wanda.
"I could have lost her. First Buck, Peggy... now Celeste... I need to talk to her. I can't do this again."
Steve.
Soon the voices continued, it all becoming so loud. Like a constant buzzing, a radio static, a television set with the snow covering the screen and the static noise that went along with it. I could feel my chest tightening, the noise was too much. I groaned, moving my hands to cover my ears. But the voices didn't stop.
I could feel my body jostling, but my focus was on the noise in my head. Why wouldn't it stop?
After I felt two hands on either side of my face, it shocked me enough to open my eyes, looking into Wanda's. She was speaking to me, face full of concern. But I still couldn't hear her. I focused on her lips, attempting to read them.
"Celeste... need to... Celeste... breathe..."
She began to slowly breathe in, then out. I began to mimic her.
"Block them out." Wanda's voice broke through all the noise, clear as day.
The more I breathed, I could feel my mind silencing, my heart rate returning to normal. The voices were much more quiet now.
"Celeste...? Is that better?" Wanda's concerned voice asked me.
"Yes. Much... thank you, Wanda."
"Um... what just happened?" Rhodey asked from over Wanda's shoulder.
"Seriously? Weather Channel can hear voices now!" Sam responds, somewhat excitedly.
"Sam..." Natasha warns, noticing my body flinch at his loud voice.
"Oh sorry, Celeste. That's my bad."
"It's okay, Sam... just... I don't understand how... that's never happened before..."
"Maybe you just never knew?" Steve suggested from beside me. I must have been moved.
"No..." I responded.
"It's a lot to not notice." Wanda adds. "My first experience hearing voices in my mind was similar."
"That'd freak anyone out." Clint added.
"I wonder why this is happening now...," Tony softly said, "If you mutated when you were a child, I wonder if you can mutate again."
"I don't know too much about mutants really... I don't ever remember meeting any in HYDRA... but... I guess that doesn't really mean anything."
"When we get back to the facility we can all rest, then if you're up for it, we can look into it. How does that sound?" Steve asked gently placing his hand on my shoulder.
"I think that's a good idea."
~Present~
"Lady Matthews!" A booming voice alerted Tony and myself to Thor entering the lab.
"Thor? I didn't know you'd be coming for a visit." Tony said surprised. "And why didn't FRIDAY say you were here? Wait... you didn't leave another crop circle on my lawn again did you?"
"I do not understand what you mean by 'crop circle'." Thor gave Tony a confused look before turning back to me. "I'm here to check on you, Celeste." I couldn't contain my sigh. "Heimdall informed me of a catastrophic disaster here on Midgard once I returned home. I am sorry I'm late, but I only just found out. How are you?"
"I'm fine, Thor, thank you for your concern but it really isn't me you ought to be fretting over."
"Don't listen to her, Thor. No civilians were hurt, or even anyone of concern. Just more HYDRA goons."
"Ahh okay! Well, Lady Celeste, should you ever need a break, you are always welcome on Asgard." Thor offered, placing one of his meaty hands on my shoulder in a comforting gesture.
"I appreciate that, Thor. Thank you." I gave him a half smile.
"Well I'd best catch the rest of the team. I'll see you soon. We'll share some ale tonight!"
"Sounds like a plan to me." I chuckle softly.
He turns to make his way out of the lab, Tony following after him.
"Hey! How come I've never been invited to Asgard? I've known you longer!" I hear Tony yell after Thor.
To which Thor's booming voice responds, "Because I like her more."
I can't help the small laugh under my breath as I turn back to the machine I was working on.
"I knew Tony would miss Thor." I heard from the doorway. I looked up to see Steve leaning against the doorway.
"I think Tony misses everyone, if we're being honest. That's why he's been hanging around like a bad smell when he said he'd basically be retiring."
"True." Steve says, pushing off the doorway and making his way into the room.
He stands in silence while I tinker for a few minutes. It gets to the point of being uncomfortable so I break the silence.
"Any reason you're just standing there?" I ask, moving over to another bench to look for a specific tool.
"I would like us to have an opportunity to chat." I halt my movements. With my new abilities, I have been trying to turn the mind reading off... it appears to have worked, as I feel blindsided by his comment.
"Okay..."
"We just haven't really... spoken much since... Russia."
"What would you like to talk about?" I pick up the tool I wanted and turn back to the machine and start tinkering again.
"Well... uh... hmm..." he frowns, seemingly unsure of what to say or how to say it.
"Just say it, Steve." I clip.
"I love you." He blurts out.
I freeze, the sound of the tool in my hand clattering to the floor.
"I needed to say it."
I swallow thickly.
"After your battle with Fischer and the way we found you, and then... the flight home..." he clears his throat, "I could have easily lost you."
I look up to his face, seeing the white of his eyes getting more red from tears forming.
"Steve..." I softly let out. I don't even know what I'm going to say...
"I'm not saying this, expecting you to return my feelings." He tries to pacify me. "But after that night... and I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks, about how I've always been so slow to not actually say how I feel about a person... and Celeste..." he moves closer and around the workbench, coming to a stop about a foot from me. "I feel... right with you. I feel like you understand me, like we understand each other, and on that jet when you didn't have a pulse, I knew. I mean, I'd suspected earlier, but actually being faced with the possibility of losing you forever... Celeste, I love you."
I was... I honestly don't know what I was... I was shocked? Flattered? Did I feel the same?
I don't know.
I didn't know what to do. So I panicked...
"I-" I coughed in attempt to clear my throat, "I um... I forgot I told Wanda I'd help her with something... I have to go." I pushed passed a surprised Steve, heading down the hallway. "I'll see you at dinner!" I turn around, walking backwards. "Thor is staying for some drinks, so... yeah..." I turned back around and just left the room.
"Celeste!" I heard Steve yell out from behind me. I just kept walking.
I was having so much difficulty not hearing the chaos within Steve's mind. The hurt... it made my heart ache along with his.
Why was I doing this to him?
"Celeste, please!" I was suddenly turned around from his hand on my arm. "Can't we talk about this?"
"What do you want me to say, Steve?!" I yelled.
He reeled back from the anger in my voice. I could feel his heart break just that little bit more. He was feeling rejected.
"I..." he sighed heavily. "I just want to talk..."
"I know... Steve, I'm sorry..." I say softly, dropping my head down.
"Like I said, I don't expect you to say it back, but-"
"But you need some reassurance." I finished for him.
"I have to get used to that." He tries to lighten the mood.
"You're tellin' me..." I smile half heartedly. "Listen..." I look back up into his heartbreaking eyes, "let's talk after dinner, eh? I just... I need a minute... to think."
It's a moment of silence before he gently nods his head in agreement.
"Okay. Come to my room when you're ready?"
"Sure."
He gently squeezes my arm that he still had a hand on before he turns away, walking towards the communal kitchen.
I'm standing outside of Steve's room after we had our team dinner. Steve left earlier than everyone else, claiming he was tired and was going to have a shower before going to bed. As he got up from the table, he looked to me and we made eye contact.
"Give me ten minutes... and I'll be ready when you are." Steve said to me in his mind for me to hear him.
I responded with a small nod so he'd know I'd understood.
"Another?" Thor asks from beside me. I look over at him, seeing him holding his small flask holding his very special Asgardian mead.
"Yeah, why not?" I answer, pushing my class over towards him.
"Only a little bit, we don't want you falling on your face." Thor jests as he pours more of the liquid into my glass.
"Thanks." I say, picking it up and throwing it back. I welcome the burn as it travels down my throat, instantly feeling a sense of warmth in my belly.
"Geez, slow down there, tiger. That stuff makes even Steve loose his balance." I just look at Sam, not controlling the 'fuck off' glare that is surely written on my face. "Forget I said anything..." he finishes off in his mind.
"I'm out." I say pushing my chair back and standing up. "Thor, it was as usual, a delight. Thank you for sharing your mead." Thor stands up and quickly wraps me in the tree trunks that he calls arms.
"My pleasure, Celeste. I'm glad you are well, and I hope to see you soon."
I quickly say goodnight to everyone else, and make my way out of the dining space, away from their concerned looks and questioning minds. Once I get to the sleeping quarters I take my time, building up my courage to speak with Steve as I feel a pit in my stomach beginning to form. I'm glad I had some mead even more now, liquid courage and all that.
Before I know it, I'm standing outside Steve's door. I raise my hand about to knock when the door is suddenly thrown open. I see Steve in a pair of track pants and a blue t-shirt, hair still damp from his shower.
"You okay? You've been standing outside for about five minutes." He asked, slight concern written on his face.
"Oh yeah, didn't realise I'd been here that long..."
"Come on in." He says, pulling the door wide to let me pass.
I'm standing idle, not really sure where to sit when Steve gestures to the couch where we've spent many nights just hanging out, eating takeout and talking. Once we make ourselves comfortable, or as comfortable as we can be, we sit in a tense silence considering the copious amount of words swimming through Steve's mind.
"I'm sorry." Steve says, breaking the silence.
"Sorry? Why?" I ask confused that those were the words he decided to settle on.
"I'm sorry for...," he takes a deep breath, "saying what I said."
"Steve.. Please..."
"No, forget I said them." He pushes out.
"Steve! You can't say those words, then just... take them back!" I say astounded.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" he asks exasperated.
"Not just take them back! Jesus!"
"I'm so confused! I say them, you react poorly, so I say forget it, and you scold me."
"Steve, Jesus Christ..." I sigh heavily, putting my head in my hands. I then pull myself back into a sitting position to rub my hands on my thighs. "How about I just leave. It's clearly not working right now." I say before standing up and walking to the door to leave.
"Celeste, wait..." I hear Steve say softly. I turn around to see him looking up at me with a tired look on his face. "I'm sorry I'm messing this up. Please stay, I really do want to talk."
I nod my head softly, moving back to sit on the couch. I take his hands in mine, instantly feeling his heart rate pick up. "Let's start fresh." I suggest, to which he gives me his lopsided grin and I mirror.
"Is what you said, how you feel?" I ask.
"Yes" he quickly answers. "And I know thats what it is, because I've never said that to someone else before."
"Not even Peggy?" I gently ask.
He gives me a sad smile.
"We never got that far... And I couldn't bring myself to say it once I came out of the ice... She'd married and had a family... The chance had come and gone a long time ago... The timing was never right I guess... or I'm also very good at waiting things out, mostly for the worse... at least for myself."
"You're not just saying it because you don't want to wait again are you?"
"Celeste, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it." He said with conviction. "You could have easily died, and I wanted you to know exactly how I feel about you."
"Okay. I can... respect your feelings."
"Why did you react the way you did?"
There Steve goes, asking the golden question.
"I don't know."
"Celeste..." he gives me a look, "you practically ran out of the room."
"I'm just not ready to say it, okay?" I feel myself getting frustrated.
"Then why couldn't you just say that?" Steve's matching my frustration now.
"Oh my God, Steve! Again, what is it exactly that you want me to say?! Because I'll fucking say it!" I yell out as I find myself standing once again, Steve matching my stance.
"Something conducive to the conversation on how you feel would be a good start!"
"I don't know how I feel, okay, Steve? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"I think we both know thats not true."
"Excuse you?"
"You know exactly how you feel, you're feeling it right now. What I feel for you is real. What we have, whatever it is you want to call it, it's real!"
"I like you, I really do. I don't know what I'm feeling, and not you or anyone else can tell me how I feel, Steve!"
"Well somebody needs to, because you don't know who you are!" He yells.
As soon as the words left his mouth, I felt as if something inside of me clicked.
Steve's features softened after seeing my body slacken from its previously tightly wound stance.
"Celeste-"
I turn and walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me.
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