Title: One Day at Magneto's…
Verse: X-Men movieverse
Timeline: none
Author: KumaDaPuma
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.
Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.
Warning! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.
BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.
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Let's recap. The X-Men are invading La Isla de Metallica. Mags and Myst are humping like rabbits. Angel is shirtless. Sabertooth no longer has the equipment to bear children. Dr. Gray broke a nail and lost her temper, right before losing her dignity. Multiple photos of Pyro and Iceman will be hanging in the Brotherhood commons room and the student lounge of Xavier's school by Monday. By Tuesday it'll be all over and Rogue's myspace page.
Event score tally:
X-Men – 1
Brotherhood – 1
Draws – 1
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And now, let's close our eyes and head back to the island arena where we can all GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!
Battle 4: Toad vs. Beast
The hairy blue mutant was bounding nimbly along a rocky path outside the large fortress when a bright shiny object caught his attention. Curiosity overwhelming him he headed towards the object and was stunned to spot the oddest thing he'd ever seen. Someone had built a small shiny metal castle in the middle of a cleared one acre wood complete with flag pole although no flag currently flew from it. It stood about forty feet high and was about sixty feet long. It was not very big at all but large enough to have been someone's house. He ran around it and noticed it was a perfect square, but there was no door, no windows, nothing to indicate it was habitable. He scratched his head. Obviously the Master of Magnetism had built this. Who else could have done it? The real puzzlement was why. Hank had no idea why Magneto would make a metal castle that had no visible practicality and as a scientist it was killing Hank not to know why. As he stood there, staring at the castle he suddenly became aware of his reflection in the smooth steel. He saw himself…and something the color of booger green sneaking up behind him. He saw the thing get ready to pounce, then it sprang up in the air with hands high in front of him, headed straight for Beast. He was ready for him. As soon as the thing was near enough Beast sidestepped quickly.
SMACK!
The blob of green was oddly enough wearing clothes. So it's not a giant booger at all. Hank thought. It's a mutant after all. The green mutant's squished body paused thickly on the castle wall and then began to ooze down with a sick slimy sound. Hank wrinkled his nose at the noise it made.
"Gross. I'd say that's one of the most repugnant sounds I've ever had the misfortune to hear." Hank found a long stick lying on the ground nearby. He picked it up and very carefully began to prod the heap of green lying squashed in the dirt. It just lay there. It looked dead. Like a lot of horror movies and against his better judgment Beast went in for "a closer look." For some reason Hank stuck his face close to the mass of green, noting it's reptilian like smooth skin…
SLLLLURPACK!
Beast stumbled backwards as something wet, thick and bearing a rancorous odor sealed itself onto his face. He would have roared in surprise if he wasn't so afraid of getting the stench in his mouth. He wrestled at the goo, pulling it off him in nasty balls of slime. Hank fell to the ground and began rubbing his face in the dirt. He was better able to saturate the slime and extract it from his neatly trimmed facial hair.
"Ugh! Of all the fowl and unmerciful phenomenons to ever transpire…!" He shouted loudly, not really knowing how else to express his frustration. Hank wasn't one to cuss. He heard a horrendous laughter coming from the giant booger. He looked at it and realized it was some disgusting lizard looking thing.
"You like my goo, Cool Blue?" He said through his high pitched giggles. Hank got the impression this thing was a social outcast even in the mutant community. Ten bucks says he was a virgin.
"Not really, Jaundiced Green ." He said stressing the color mockingly. You like my roundhouse kick to your face?" Beast sprang with crazy agility and connected his bare blue foot to the frog's nasty, filthy head. Beast noted the texture of his skin was like a dirty sponge. The green mutant went flying back and smacked back into the wall of the castle but his spongy skin acted more like elastic as he bounced off it and landed face first in the dirt again. Hank stood on one leg as he stopped to inspect his foot.
"Damn, what do they call you? Slime ball? Play dough? Boogie Man?" The green mutant quickly got up off the ground. Fury etched on his face.
"The name's Toad, Furball! You better remember that 'cause you'll…cause I'll make you…cause…" Toad had to stop and figure out how he could shape his sentence into a putdown. Beast waited patiently although there was a look of concern on his face.
"Can I help you out?"
"No! I can do this myself!" Toad crossed his arms and tapped his foot. Beast looked at his watch, then started to whistle the theme to the A-Team while calmly surveying the lovely island. Toad suddenly snapped his fingers.
"You better remember my name 'cause you'll be screaming it at night!" Beast stopped and gave him a surprised yet horrified look. Toad realized his error. "From the nightmares! Dude, c'mon, I meant cause I'll give you nightmares." Toad's face went red, which was a nice change from his sickly green.
"Oh, haha, right…" Beast laughed nervously. They cleared their throats awkwardly, not looking into the other's eyes. "Sooooo…uh, I guess y-"
"Your mama wears army boots." Toad stated rather casually.
"I beg your pardon!" Beast asked incredulously. "You think insulting me will make me forget you just tried to make a pas-"
"Your mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone!" Toad said mustering up more courage.
"Now see here, you litt-!"
"Your mama so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house!" Beast sprang up at Toad and grabbed him by the collar. Toad reached back and sliced his open palm through the air landing it square on Beasts cheek. The fur shielded him so it really didn't hurt but the surprise was enough to make him let go of Toad.
"You bitch slapped me!" Beast yelled holding his hand to his cheek. "What kind of animal are you that bitch slaps people? You call yourself a man?" Toad jumped up high onto the castle, then mockingly stuck his tongue out at him.
"Nyah, nyah!"
"Oh, what are you, twelve? In the name of all things holy!" Beast came up to the side of the castle. "Come back down here you wart infested specimen and fight like a man!" Toad hocked a giant green loogie. It headed straight for Beasts head. He easily dodged it but it was gross nonetheless, and extremely annoying. "Don't make me come up there!" Hank waved his fist at him.
"You don't frighten me, mutant pig dog!" Toad shouted. "Go and boil your bottoms, you son of a silly person! I blow my nose at you! I fart in your general direction!"
"What! Why, you coward! You're quoting Monty python! Don't you have one original thought in your h-…Hey!" Toad launched more spitballs at Beast who jumped around dodging them. "Stop that! Augh, this is so humiliating!" There was a pause as Toad stopped to produce more phlem from deep within his lungs. Hank backed up from the castle, took a running start and then bounded high into the air. He successfully reached the top of the castle, his feet landing on the shiny metal surface, only to have his own balance betray him as the slick metal caused him to slip suddenly. He flapped his arms and his legs ran crazily through the air but the surface of the steel was too slippery and Beasts hairy feet could not grip the floor. Hank went sprawling. His frustration mounted when he heard Toad burst out laughing.
"Oh, man, you should have seen your face!" Toad hooted, holding his stomach. Beast tried to get up but his feet were not equipped to handle the slick surface like Toad's slimy feet were. He slowly tried balancing himself but the best he could do was stand on all fours. He looked like a puppy experiencing walking on ice for the first time. Toad laughed continuously while Beast tried to get his bearings.
"You're a wicked creature!" Beast yelled at him although the last word came out hurridly as he almost slipped again at that moment. This caused Toads laughter to become even more harsh.
"What's going on here?" Shirtless Warren landed on the castle between the two mutants.
"Angel! Would you mind helping a friend out?"
"Sure, but you'll have to spell everything out for me. I'm ineffectual otherwise…" It was then Warren noticed Toad had stopped laughing and was giving him a very strange look. There was a crazy glint in his eye. "What are you supposed to be?" He asked the green guy. As soon as he had finished his statement Toad jumped closer to Warren, his long thick tongue protruded quickly from his mouth and it enveloped Angel in a horribly disgusting wet squeeze.
"AAAAAAGGGHHHH!" Angel screamed as he struggled to get out of the worst "hug" he'd ever had the bad luck to encounter. "Holy cow poop! My beautiful wings! Get him off me! Gethimoffme!"
"What the hell are you doing! Let go of him, Toad!" Beast yelled trying desperately to make his way over to his fellow X-Man. Angel kept struggling as Toad's tongue wrapped even tighter around the half naked boy. Toad now had Warren in his arms as he plucked at the wings and began to eat them. Angel screamed even louder. The pain was not physical but emotionally Warren would be pained for life. "No, no, not my beautiful feathers!" Warren had streams of tears flowing down his cheeks. Toad plucked another feather only to have it snatched out of his hand.
"I said let go of him!" Beast shouted in his face. He grabbed Toads neck and squeezed hard, feeling his jaw slacken and his tongue's tight hold on Angel loosen. Angel wrestled free of the restraint and Beast grabbed his tongue then wrapped it around the nearby flag pole. He quickly double knotted his tongue and then pushed Toad off the side of the castle. He fell with a loud shriek then bounced halfway down only to be suspended there, swinging in the wind. Beast and Angel looked down at the screeching Toad, then they looked at each other, their chests heaving from the strange incident that had just occurred.
"You've got…uh, there's something on your…" Beast tried to point out to Warren all the slime on his body. Warren reached up and wiped his face with the back of his arm, but instead of wiping it off he moved the slime to the corner of his jaw.
"Did I get it?"
"Uh, no, you moved it…it's on your, uh…" Warren wiped again but moved it back to its original position on his face.
"Better?'
"Actually, it's now back…uh, it's, well…" Beast sighed. "Yeah, you got it."
"Jeez, I've never felt so violated in my life. And I'm pretty so people have tried before. That guy is so gay."
"Actually, I think you looked like food to him."
"No, I think he wanted me." Warren stated factually.
"Are you sure, cause he was trying to eat your wings…"
"Nah, he wanted me. I mean, really, how could he resist?" Warren placed his hands on his hips with arrogance. Beast shook his head and rolled his eyes.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night."
Winner: Beast – Like I would really let Toad win. And in this battle there were three contenders and two losers…one just happened to come out on top.
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Battle 5: Magneto vs. Wolverine
While wandering the walkways, Wolverine wound his way into the weapons woom, er, room. He looked around at the myriad of knives, swords, axes, maces, chains, bo staffs, throwing stars, nunchucks, and anything else that was made of metal…except for guns. Not one gun was present in the entire room. Logan was busy inspecting all the hardware when he smelled someone coming. He ducked into the corner of the room just as Magneto came striding in. Magneto was wearing his standard uniform complete with cape sans helmet. He seemed to be looking for something.
"I could have sworn I felt adamantium here somewhere…" He said quietly to himself. Magneto's back was to Wolverine. It was probably because of all the metal in the room that Magneto was having trouble locating the source of the adamantium. Wolverine crept out of the corner.
SKINT!
Magneto heard the slice of the knives and he turned to face the sound.
"Looking for me, Bucket Head?" Wolverine asked, his body fully displaying his battle mode. Magneto gave him an expression of pure astonishment.
"You have got to be shitting me."
"What's wrong, Mag-freak-O? Too scared to fight?"
"Are you serious? Where's your common sense? Oh wait, I forget common sense isn't too common in the Xavier Institute." Wolverine pounced high with claws extended. Magneto sighed and held up his hand causing the mutant animal to stop, suspended in the air.
"Let me explain to you where you went wrong. First of all you shouldn't have announced your presence. Stealth would have been your best approach. Second you can't call me Bucket Head at this point in time seeing as I am not wearing that atrocious yet functional helmet. Third the term Mag-freak-O only allows your juvenile behavior to shine through, and that is not a compliment." With that Magneto waved his hand and Wolverine slammed into the wall. Every knife, sword, axe, mace, chain, throwing star, and anything else metallic obeyed Magneto as they headed towards Wolverine threateningly. The chains bound themselves heavily around Logan locking him into a chain cocoon and binding his claws to the wall. The knives and other sharp instruments lodged themselves into the chain and made sure Logan couldn't move without piercing himself. Other weapons such as maces and axes positioned themselves on the floor beneath Wolverine just in case he happened to escape his binds then he would fall onto a very sharp base.
"Now you just stay there and think about what I said." Magneto strode out of the room laughing a malicious villain's laugh. Logan grunted as he tried to free himself. He gritted his teeth as he accidentally caused a katana to slice through his leg. The sharp pain made him flinch making his left arm go into a sharp sword. He barked in pain. He hoped Jean wouldn't happen to come across him like this. She would never leave Scott for him otherwise…
Winner: Magneto, no contest. C'mon, the guy manipulates metal! Wolverine had a better chance of winning the Miss America competition.
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Final Score:
X-Men – 2
Brotherhood – 2
Draws – 1
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Author's note: The "holy cow poop" I snagged directly from a reviewer named Frankie. I read that and laughed my ass off. Hope you don't mind that I stole that line. Thanks also to AngelofSnow, 00mrdragon00, and Independent Fire for reviewing. You all are in my good book!
Sorry this chapter only has two battles but that Toad vs. Beast one took on a life of its own. It just kept getting longer, and longer, and longer…
Next chapter: Multiple Man vs. Scott, Spyke vs. Shadowcat, Ultimate Catfight nears and someone comes out of the closet…
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Should more chaos, hilarity and stupidity ensue? If yes, please review. If no, please review.
