Title: One Day at Magneto's…

Verse: X-Men movieverse

Timeline: none

Author: KumaDaPuma

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.

Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.

Warning! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.

BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.

Also, I just found out that the dude I have been referring to as Spyke is actually named Quill. I have no idea where I got the name Spyke. I must have been high.

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Let's recap. So far the outcomes of the battles have placed four winners and seven losers in their respective brackets. Among the winners: Storm, Callisto, Beast and Magneto. Losers include: Sabertooth, Jean Gray, Pyro, Iceman, Toad, Wolverine and Warren (by default). Currently Toad is struggling to untie his knotted tongue off the flag pole on the top of Magneto's metal lego castle and Wolverine has managed to slice his way out of his chain cocoon only to fall onto the waiting sharp instruments. He is lying in a bloody heap on the floor of the weapons room. His injuries are severe. It'll take at least thirty minutes for him to recover from that dumbass escape but luckily the man's a trooper, kinda like those terribly silly Happy Tree Friends. Also Professor X is still strapped in his seat inside the X-Jet. He's fine. He found a Game Boy lodged in the seat next to him and he's enjoying his game of Tetris.

In this chapter I promise chaos, hilarity and coming out of closets.

Event score tally:

X-Men – 2

Brotherhood – 2

Draws – 1

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And now, back to the moment some of you have all been sort of waiting for, let the games continue!

Battle 6: Quill Vs. Shadowcat

Kitty carefully crouched below the counter of the considerably copious kitchen, continuing to catch cursory quick looks at the kid coming quite calmly to the kitchen closet. The normal looking but rather ugly mutant was unaware of Kitty's presence as he searched every nook of the kitchen. He opened the door to the large closet and went inside amid the jumble of brooms, mops and buckets. As soon as he was deep into the closet Kitty found this time to come out of the shadows. She closed the door behind him and locked it. Quill was enveloped in a world of darkness.

"Hey! What the fuck!" He yelled in surprise. A loud crashing and banging could be heard from inside the closet as he knocked into everything, unsuccessfully trying to make his way from the back to the door without tripping over all the cleaning supplies. From outside she could tell he had reached the door but since she had locked it the most he could do was jiggle the knob a few times in added irritation.

"Whoever's out there you can kiss your ass goodbye!" The muffled shout was ridiculously hilarious to Kitty. A new noise could be heard inside the closet and then three seconds later the door swung open to reveal a rather pissed off porcupine boy. His quills jutted out from his face, his eyes scanned the kitchen for the offensive invader, there was a quill in his right hand where he had picked the lock. Kitty had already phased into one of the large metal islands. She held her hand to her mouth in an attempt to keep him from hearing her snickers. She watched him quietly sneak around the chrome appliances looking everywhere for the culprit.

"Come out, come out wherever you are!" He said bracing himself after every turn around a corner. He continued to walk around with careful steps, his eyes darting everywhere including up above. He passed by the island she was currently in. As soon as his back was turned to her she took the first thing she could reach from on top of the island (which happened to be a gleaming silver ice mallet) and she tossed it to the far side of the room.

CLANG!

Quill turned quickly, fear etched on his face. Kitty silently laughed. He inched his way over to where the noise had been heard and discovered the mallet.

"Oh, so you think you're funny, do ya?" He shouted to the empty room. His voice reverberated off the chrome filled kitchen. He started searching around again, this time going through cabinets and waving his arms in front of him like a blind man. He was exploring every option just in case the mutant who was toying with him might be able to squeeze in tight spots or was invisible. She watched him inch past her again. As soon as he passed she quickly ran past him and ducked into the credenza across the way, tapping his shoulder as she passed. Quill turned but didn't catch her. The quills on his face quivered with fear.

"Who's there!" He shouted, his voice shaking. Quill knew his mutation was at a basic level and only good for hand-to-hand combat situations and since he didn't know who he was fighting he figured he was probably as good as beaten. Still, he continued to search the kitchen. Within the credenza, Shadowcat was trying hard not to laugh out loud.

"Here, kitty, kitty." He said quietly. Upon hearing her name Kitty was no longer laughing. An audible gasp escaped her lips. She hoped he hadn't heard it but then the credenza door flew open and Quill spotted her sitting in it.

"You're a girl!" He said in surprise. She phased out of the credenza.

"Yeah, so?" He gave her a look of shock. Probably both for the fact she was not weird looking and because her mutation presented him with a problem. How the hell am I going to contest with that? He gave her a hard look, the seldom used wheels in his head spinning ferociously to come up with a decent plan of action. He finally came up with a mediocre one.

To Kitty's surprise he sighed and his quills retracted back into his body.

"I don't fight girls." He said. "My momma taught me manners." Kitty crossed her arms, her head turning to the side as she gave him a look of pure skepticism.

"Well, and here I thought chivalry was dead."

"I'm serious. I absolutely do not fight girls."

"Afraid to get beaten by one?" Kitty laughed. Quill grimaced but just shook his head.

"It has nothing to do with that."

"Oh, you think that girls are the weaker sex." Kitty said disdainfully. It was not a question.

"Can't you just accept that I don't want to fight you?" He gave her a serious look. Kitty was still unconvinced of his passive behavior but she was also hesitant of what to believe. He actually looked genuine. She stood motionless, glaring at him, trying to figure him out. He suddenly stepped towards her and she jumped back in alarm.

"What?" He asked, now holding his hand out. "I just want to shake hands on it."

"Shake hands?"

"Yeah," He said now coming slowly towards her with his hand outstretched. "You know, like an agreement that we won't fight." Her look of skepticism grew stronger but this time she did not jump back when he started to approach her again. He was now close enough so that she could take his hand but she just let him stand there with arm extended like an idiot. He waited patiently for a few seconds.

"Aren't you going to shake my hand?" He asked.

"No." She didn't even hesitate to answer. His face contorted into a look of anger.

"Oh, c'mon! Just take my hand!" He shouted. When she flinched he realized his error. "Just kidding!" He held his hands up in retaliation. "Just kidding. We're friends here." He said a little more softer. "If you don't want to shake on it then why don't we hug…" He said with arms outstretched. He started coming towards her.

"Are you 'effin' with me?" She said with astonishment. She began backing away as he came closer.

"Just a little hug." He said trying to close the gap between them a little more.

"Why? So you can hug me to death? What the hell is wrong with you?" She said backing away from him a little faster.

"C'mon!" He shouted, following her.

"No!" She shouted back.

"Hug me!" He yelled. His look of frustration evident upon his ugly mug. She backed quickly away as he followed her, he was so close now, his quills spiked out and he ran at her.

THUMP!

Kitty heard the loud collision from within the fridge that she had phased into. When she came out she found he had knocked himself silly and was currently lying on the kitchen floor. Some of his quills were bent and a few had snapped in half. She took one of the broken ones from off the floor and poked him in the ass with the sharp end of it. He didn't even stir. She laughed and then stuck the quill up his nose as an added bonus to herself.

Winner: Kitty Pryde. I really didn't care who won this fight since I'm not a big fan of either of them but I honestly couldn't see how porcupine boy could possibly win. Note: Kitty turned out to be a lot smarter than I had meant to make her. My initial intent was to make her a dumbass valley girl, but, whatever.

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Batttle 7: Multiple Man vs. Cyclops

Cyclops found himself in the humongous refectory of the metallic lair. The ceiling above was almost twenty feet high. The room looked a lot like the one from those Harry Potter movies, except that everything was made of metal. There were three rows of long steel benches. Deep in the back of the room was a large table where no doubt the Master of Magnetism and his right hand men (and women) sat. The room looked like it could accommodate hundreds of members of the Brotherhood but he couldn't imagine being there when it was Brotherhood terrorist season because the noise of all the people would reverberate off the rocky walls and continue bouncing off the steel structures. There was no way to insulate the noise.

"You seem confused." Scott automatically went into fight mode. He turned to see a normal looking guy in a leather jacket approaching him. He was obviously not scared. In fact he looked friendly. Scott relaxed a little but kept his hand close to his visor.

"Uh, I was just noting how there was no carpet or anything to insulate the decibel levels in here."

"Ah, I see. You a scientist?"

"No, math professor actually. But I know my basic physics." Their voices reflected off the steel benches and the walls causing an echo effect.

"Well, actually we have a pretty little girl who went home for the summer. We call her Muffle because she has the ability to manipulate sound."

"Oh."

"And also because she gives a lot of BJ's." He shrugged with the addition of his comment.

"Oh. Okay…"

"My name's Jaime." The man stuck out his hand. Scott looked at him for a moment.

"Uh, Scott." He said shaking his hand awkwardly with his left hand, his right hand still up near his visor.

"Nice to meet you Scott." Jaime said smiling.

"Uh, sure. Um, good-good to meet you too, uh, Jaime." Scott stuttered. Jaime clapped his hands together and rubbed them vigorously.

"So! I hate to do this to you now that we're friends and all but I'm going to have to kick your ass off this island."

"Well, I don't plan on going peacefully."

"I understand. Like I said, I don't want to do it but I'll get brownie points with Magneto if I do."

"Well, you can just let me go and pretend you never saw me." Scott suggested.

"Nah, I couldn't do that." Jaime said, a little hesitant with his next comment. "Unless you want to make out."

"What!" Scott said incredulously.

"Nothing." Jaime answered quickly. "Let's do it!" Again, Cyclops' brow raised in puzzlement. "I mean let's do this!"

"Bring it on, Jaime!" Cyclops said backing away from him. "And may the best man win!" Jaime had to roll his eyes at that one.

"You mean men." Scott heard someone say behind him. He turned and saw Jaime. He looked back ahead of him and was perplexed to see Jaime still there.

"What the fu-?" His comment was cut short by a swift punch in the mouth by the Jaime behind him. Scott stumbled but caught himself before falling to the floor. He lifted his hand to his visor and a red beam of light shot out at one of the Jaime's who was running towards him ready to tackle him to the floor. Jaime went flying backwards far enough to hit the far wall and come crashing to the floor with a heavy thud. The other Jaime came running towards him and Scott easily took that one out too. With the two Jaime's lying passed out on the floor Cyclops felt brave enough to smirk with pride.

"Sorry, Jaime, but is that all ya got?" He laughed.

"No." Came the reply from the open door. In strolled five more Jaimes. They all came striding in with large grins on their faces. Cyclops slumped his shoulders in surprised aggravation.

"Jeez, how many of them are you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." They all echoed. They came running at him quickly. Cyclops shot each one individually. The last one coming mere inches from him until he shot him clear to the other side of the room. As soon as he did the doors to the dining hall opened again and a stream of Jaimes came running in.

"Dude! What is this? The Matrix?" Scott shouted in frustration. He began shooting each Jaime individually but they were multiplying like rabbits and getting closer. Cyclops turned the setting on his visor to high and started shooting a stream of red. He turned himself in circles blasting away any Jaime he could hit. At one point Cyclops felt a kidney punch and he went down but before he could be subdued he quickly rolled once and stood up then started dodging and blasting the Jaimes that came near. The bodies began to pile up. There was well over a hundred dead Jaimes and in the center of the room was the tallest pile of deceased Jaimes. Cyclops made his way up on top of the pile and started shooting down at the Jaimes trying to get at him. They were everywhere, coming from all sides. They streamed in through the door continuously as Cyclops made mincemeat out of the majority of them. Cyclops realized he needed a better plan than just blasting the Jaimes away. As he shot them he would periodically shoot the Jaimes entering through the door in an attempt to make the bodies start collecting in the door frame. Slowly the pile grew as Cyclops kept shooting the near by Jaimes and then shooting the Jaimes trying to climb over the pile in the door frame. Soon there were so many dead bodies near the door that it was becoming impossible to enter the room. Just a few more. Scott thought as he started to focus most of his attention on the growing pile. So close… He blasted away at four more Jaimes and felt his near futile efforts being prematurely rewarded by his proud success. The door was blocked. He turned to blast away the nearest Ja-

THWAP!

Cyclops felt someone sucker punch him in the stomach. He doubled over and felt another punch at his kidneys causing him to fall down the Jaime hill. He reached up to release another beam but then hands grabbed at his wrists, pulling them away from his visor. Scott struggled but there was still too many of them. Finally the twenty or so Jaimes left in the room pinned him to the floor. He looked up at them with anger.

"You should have chosen the less degrading option." Jaime said above him.

"Making out was not an option I would ever be wil-" A hard blow to the side of the jaw knocked Scott clean out. Jaime looked at Jaime, who looked at Jaime, who shrugged when he saw the other Jaimes look at him. Then they all got the same idea at the same time. Snickering the whole time the Jaimes cleared the room of all the bodies then undressed Scott and left his naked body on top of the steel table in the middle of the cold room.

Winner: Multiple Man. Funny, Jaime turned out to be gay yet Quill's the one that came out of the closet. Well, I've managed to over fulfill one of my promises. At some point chaos and hilarity will enter into this story.

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Battle 8: Archlight vs. Nightcrawler

Kurt entered one of the most amazing rooms he had ever been in. The library at Xavier's was quite impressive but the library on Magneto's island fortress could not be rivaled. He doubted the ancient library of Alexandria could have been this incredible before it burned to ashes. The entire room was made of a mixture of marble, iron, bronze, silver and gold. The gleam of the metal materials was suppressed by the myriad of books encased in the hundreds of shelves that reached all the way up to the ceiling that was over forty feet high. The entire room was built with a rich design, not like the sharp corners found in most libraries, but almost like a muted Frank Ghery architecture with circular patterns and intricate motifs. The room was windowless but magnificent and complete with a giant fireplace to the right. Thousands of books lined the shelves, many of them looked old and worn out, others were great fat books with titles like: Classic Engineering Structures of the Late Renaissance Period, and Metaphysical Properties of Atomic Geology. Most of the books where in German and English. There was one large book sitting on the lone desk that sat in the middle of the large room. Kurt approached it and found it was a title that sounded neither German nor English. He had never heard of it. Curiosity overwhelming him he picked up the well used book called The Kama Sutra and flipped through the pages. He gasped at the graphic pictures inside and dropped the book back onto the table in an act of revulsion and guilt. I did not think Magneto vas into pornography…

Kurt heard a noise behind him. He teleported out of sight and onto a high up shelf just as he felt an odd brush of air reach him like a hot breeze.

"Dammit!" He heard below him. He looked to see a guy dressed rather oddly near the entrance to the library. The dude walked to the center of the room and picked up the dropped book. A smirk could be seen on his lips. "What a perv." Kurt heard the guy say.

"Vat?" With a loud Poof Kurt teleported back onto the floor of the library facing the dude. "I vill have you know, I am not a perv as you so stated!" The dude looked up and it was then Kurt noticed the bra it was wearing underneath the see through shirt. "Vat!" He said again. "Vhy, you are a voman!" Archlight sneered.

"Yeah, and what are you supposed to be? The incredible blue poof?"

"I am not gay." Nightcrawler said clearly offended. He crossed his arms and held his head high in the air with a snub.

"But I see you like to look at naked people doing it in all positions."

"I vas not! It vas already there vhen I valked in!"

"Sure it was."

"It vas!"

"Well, then, I applause your humbleness." Archlight made a point of emphasizing the word 'applause'. She clapped her hands forcefully knocking Nightcrawler backwards as a blast of her shockwave carried him clear across the room. His back hit the shelf and books came tumbling on top of him. Archlight clapped her hands again at the pile of books and they all went scattering in a cloud of pages and blue smoke. She went to it and found no body.

"Dammit!" She shouted. She looked around the room but didn't see him. "Come out and fight you stupid animal!" She yelled to the large empty room. "Or don't you have the blue balls?"

"I have very large blue balls, thank you very much!" He said reappearing in a cloud of smoke in front of her and applying a smooth kick to her face. She went down but managed to get a clap in before hitting the floor. It was a hasty clap that resulted in only a tiny shockwave but it was enough to toss Kurt back further from her. She got up and started clapping at him. He poofed in and out and she chased him with her waves. Pages went flying everywhere as her waves hit the shelves and made the books soar out of their places. She clapped high and she clapped low and every time Kurt managed to dodge the shocks. Finally Kurt had enough of her stupid powers. He poofed behind her and wrapped her arms around her body then quickly poofed out. He teleported them high above the room and dropped her. She went screaming downwards, her hands furiously clapping for no apparent reason other than she had no idea what else to do. Her body hit the soft carpet with a thud, her clapping had seized but she had demolished the rest of the library on her way down. Kurt poofed his way back to the ground. Although the rigid metallic room still stood as mighty as ever, papers were strewn about everywhere and Kurt feared most of the books were ruined except fot eh lone book currently at his feet that managed to survive. He poofed out of the room.

Two seconds later he teleported back into the room, picked up the book that had been lying at his feet entitled The Kama Sutra and teleported back out.

Winner: Nightcrawler. On a related note, wanna hear a joke? Why do they call them blue balls? Because they're sad!

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Wolverine finally awoke out of his unconscious state.

"Are you okay, Logan?" Jean asked him. She and Colossus were kneeling beside him wrenching the sharp objects out of his body. Logan grimaced in pain each time.

"Yeah," he said. "But Magneto got away."

"Well, I'm sure he's still around. This is his pad, ya know." Pietro stated.

"You tried to fight Magneto? Why would you do that?" Jean asked in dismay.

"Well someone's got to take that guy down."

"Yeah, but not you, Logan. You don't stand a chance against him." Wolverine stood up defiantly.

"I can take Buckethead on any day." He growled. Jean and Pietro just shook their heads.

"C'mon, let's go find the others." Logan, not a scratch on him anymore although his clothes were covered in his own blood, led the way down the halls until they came to a rather large sat of double doors. They went in to find a man lying on a table in the middle of the massive room.

"Scott!" Jean said running to the unconscious form. Logan and Colossus followed her in, each looking at the other and almost unable to hold back their laughter. "What?" Jean asked. "Stop laughing at him! It's cold in this room!" She said covering Scotts body as best as she could.

"No wonder he's such a dick." Logan said. "He has a lot to make up for."

"Well, I'd be a prick too if that was all I was packing." Pietro laughed.

"Logan! I've seen you naked in the lab and you're not one to laugh!" Jean replied through gritted teeth. "And you, Colossus, I very much doubt you live up to your name." Both men let their smiles fade, their hubris dashed to the floor. They both held their hands in front of their pants and neither of them looked at the other.

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Magneto was on his way to find Mystique when he passed an open door that made him stop suddenly then scoot back. His eyes went wide as his eyes set on the destroyed library. His jaw fell in absolute horror as he entered the room, carefully trying not to step on the pages scattered on the floor. There was no one else in the room. He went to the barely standing desk and quickly looked under and around it. Magneto did not find what he was looking for. His jaw tensed in complete rage. With fisted ire he stormed out of the library intent on finding the culprit who stole his book.

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Final score:

X-Men – 4

Brotherhood - 3

Draws – 1

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Author's note: Thank you very much for those who reviewed the last chapter. Frankie, whoever you are, you sound totally cool! And in response to 00mrdragon00's question…I can't stand Angel. Not because he's overrated or that he can't act but because his appearance in the movie was pointless and I feel I will verbalize my irritation at this atrocity I call A-blatant-attempt-to-appeal-to-the-young-teen-girl-target-audience through pointless storytelling. So? What did you think about this chapter?

Was it funny? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Have you had a chance to read AngelofSnow's badass intricate tale aptly named Healing? If yes, please review. If no, please review.

Next chapter: Colossus and Wolverine battle Juggernaut. The ultimate catfight ensues! Lots of mischievous men look on. Professor Xavier makes an appearance.