Title: One Day at Magneto's…
Verse: X-Men movieverse
Timeline: none
Author: KumaDaPuma
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.
Summary: Although unlikely, what if the X-Men decided to attack Magneto's island fortress? Powers are abused, feelings get hurt, chaos ensues. Will your favorite character win? Most likely not.
Warning! This story contains extreme nonsense and prejudice. No character is safe from the negative remarks of the author. All are treated equally…as bad.
BTW, every movie verse mutant is in this one although most of them are completely out of character. I don't care that anyone's dead and shouldn't be in this fic, I just wanted to collect all the characters and make them fight.
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Let's recap. Kitty managed to defeat the dumbest member of the Brotherhood. Multiple Man multiplied his pleasure by stripping Scott of his clothes. Nightcrawler beat Archlight and is currently trying hard not to beat himself (if you know what I mean) in a quiet corner of the lair with his stolen book. He just likes to look at the pictures. Meanwhile, Logan, Jean, Colossus and Scott are back together in the search of justice, and Magneto is furiously in search of the mutants who destroyed his precious library (and took his coveted book).
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What's the score, you ask?
Event score tally:
X-Men – 4
Brotherhood - 3
Draws – 1
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Uh, oh. Things are starting to get really violent now. I sense an ultimate battle between the ultimate X-Men coming on. Let's watch as the silliness unfolds…
Battle 9: Colossus and Wolverine vs. Juggernaut
After finally waking Scott up Jean gave him her long coat to wear but since it was a woman's coat, cut for a woman's shape, it gave Scott the illusion of having a supple bosom and child-bearing hips. They walked through the lair, never encountering anyone else because of the fortress' large size, however after meandering for half an hour they managed to stumble upon a massive room bearing a massive guy.
The room was obviously for training purposes. It was actually a combination of three rooms that made up one giant gymnasium. The first room was separated out into a weight room. Plenty of exercise equipment and mirrors adorned this room. The next one looked more like a gymnastics room. The floor was concealed by blue floor mats and there were hand bars, rings and anything else gymnastic related to the far right of the open room. Separated from these rooms was the monster of the three rooms. The austere looking space was pure metal in the size equal to a football field. The ground was just dirt. There were bleachers at the entrance to the room capable enough of seating over a hundred people. The room was actually dug into the earth making the place feel like a coliseum of sorts. It was here, in this Greco-Roman based room that they found the Juggernaut.
The giant of a man was in the middle of the dirt covered arena. His back was to them and he was busy doing something on the ground. They could hear him talking to himself but they were too far away to make out any legible words. They all looked at each other and then back at the oblivious character, then they headed down the stairs towards him. The Juggernaut was deep in his work and he never heard them as they approached. They were practically standing behind him when they stopped and listened to what he was saying to himself.
"…she'll be wanting to give Juggernaut a roight good rogering when she sees me art in the sand…" His voice was low and he was obviously deep in thought.
"Who are you talking about?" Logan asked. Juggernaut leaped to his feet in a stunning feat of ungraceful quickness. A piercing scream of surprise escaped his lips making the X-Men laugh at the comical display of such a large man shrieking like a woman. He turned to see who was behind him and saw Dr. Jean Gray, Colossus, Scott (who looked oddly attractive to Juggernaut) and Logan (who was eerily drenched in blood though there was not a scratch on him). They were not the four people Juggernaut wanted to see.
In intense curiosity the four looked down to the sand to see what it was Juggernaut had been doing. Drawn in the sand was a crude, childish drawing of a house and a tree with what looked like a man in a large helmet and a stick figure with boobs. Next to the image was a large heart with the words Juggernaut + Mystique 4eva. As they stared at the very strange dirt pictures Juggernaut quickly swept his foot over the ground and erased the images away.
"That's me art. You can't have a look here, see?" His thick English accent making him sound like a chimney sweeper from London. The real kind. Not the horribly fake accent Dick Van Dyke donned in Mary Poppins. Logan happened to catch Colossus' eye and the two set each other off in suppressed laughter. "What? It's not funny, you blokes! I've a mind to wallop you both upside the head! You and your strumpets…" He said pointing at both Scott and Jean.
"Hey!" Scott yelled. "I'm not a girl!" Jean rolled her eyes.
"Scott, a man calls us whores and your reply is that you're not a girl? Get real." Scott may not have selected the wisest defense but Colossus was "suiting" up for battle and Wolverine wasn't about to stand by and let some giant dumbass call his dream girl a ho.
CHINK CHINK CHINK!
SKINT!
"Think you're tough, do ya, tin head?" Logan asked in his best Clint Eastwood impression. "Well, do ya, punk?" There was a moment of deathly sinister silence as Wolverine, Colossus and Juggernaut all stood motionless, their teeth gritted, their knuckles white from tightened fists. Jean and Scott looked from one, to the other, to the other, then they looked at each other. With a nod of their heads they both came to the same conclusion and decided to sit this one out.
"C'mon, Scott. Let's go sit on the bleachers and make out."
"Yay! Even when I lose, I win!" The three continued to stare and assess each other. Wolverine's adamantium claws were fully extended. Colossus' metal armor plated his entire body. Juggernauts thick helmet showed only the rage that was building underneath the iron. They stared hard, their breathing the only sign of movement in their bodies. A full minute passed and none of the men had moved.
"What are they waiting for?" Scott asked between heavy kisses. "An invitation?"
"Who cares? Just kiss me you one-eyed Adonis." From somewhere high up in the ceiling of the arena came a loud ring that sounded much like a bell in a boxing match.
DING DING!
And they're off! Wolverine and Colossus dashed towards Juggernaut, yelling their battle cries as Juggernaut put his head down and started to sprint towards them. They were far enough from each other to gain some speed but neither of them were able to build up enough momentum to make themselves a stoppable force. The impact the three made comprised of a severe crash of metal on metal that resulted in a deafening clang. The room shook with the force of the trio's collision as they all hit their heads in a triangular formation causing them all to rear up in pain and fall backwards with arms flailed out. The three landed spread eagle on the ground, their bodies forming a perfect triangle.
"Aaagh!" Colossus cried out. "That's gonna hurt for a while." Wolverine, Colossus and Juggernaut sat up and rubbed their heads. Then they spotted each other and in forgotten pain and renewed energy they all pushed themselves off the floor, ready for battle again. Juggernaut was the first to get up but instead of sucker punching one of the other guys he ran away from them only to stop at the far end of the arena. Of course, Juggernaut being Juggernaut, he had only one course of action. Stampede. From all the way across the room he began to head towards them. Wolverine and Colossus bent their knees and braced themselves for his charged approach. Faster and faster the Juggernaut ran until he was so close they could hear his bullish breaths coming out in animalistic snorts. Colossus reared his metal encased fist back and struck at his helmet while Wolverine sliced his claws against the other side. Colossus managed to make a dent and Wolverine's sharp claws flickered like a fourth of July sparkler against Jugs' metal helmet but neither was prepared in finding themselves being thrown back into the air with a horrendously painful blow and then landing forty feet away onto the ground.
Juggernaut slowed down and then turned to face them again. Backing away a few feet he started his charge again. Wolverine and Colossus already had raging headaches but there was no time to take some aspirin. They got themselves off the ground just as Juggernaut was upon them. Instead of aiming for the helmet Colossus ducked just as Jugs came careening past him and he punched his iron fist into his side. Wolverine rolled out of the way and sliced his claws into Jugs' leg. Juggernaut howled in pain but didn't stop his charge. He ran past them and slowed his charge once he had approached the other side of the arena. He looked down and saw blood running down his leg. A large purple bruise was already forming on his left side. He looked up at them with a vicious glare. He was obviously pissed off.
"Don't you know who I am?" He shouted. "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" And with that he charged again. Colossus and Wolverine braced themselves once more. Juggernaut neared them and they rolled around in the same maneuver but the Juggernaut was ready. He threw his hands in their faces and knocked Colossus' arm away when he went in for another punch. He deflected Wolverine's claws by ducking his head further down which ended in him losing his center of gravity and coming down hard face first into the ground. He slid twenty feet before finally coming to a halt. He lifted his head and saw the Wolverine and Colossus still flying through the air. They both smacked into the far side walls and slid to the ground in metallic heaps of flailing arms and legs.
The Juggernaut leaped to his feet again. He took a few steps back and then began to charge like mad again before the two X-Men could regain their bearings. With his iron encased head ducked he sprinted towards them with surprising speed. The ground shook with the heavy steps of his large feet. Colossus, still sprawled out on the ground, saw it coming but he had no time to do anything but brace himself. The Juggernaut plowed over Colossus' metallic body, and straight through the thick metal walls of the arena.
A giant hole shaped like an eight foot monster outlined the new breach of the fortress. Colossus held himself in intense pain, unable to make a sound, as the Juggernaut had trod heavily on his stomach. The wind had been knocked out of him. Jugs stopped when he realized he was suddenly outside. A small shiny castle stood before him.
"Where the fuck did that come from?" He said. He noticed an odd looking flag waving from the flagpole. He had to squint to realize what it was. "Oh, hey Mortimer!" Jugs shouted with a dumb smile.
"Nhello Cain!" Toad said legibly though his tongue had turned blue from the lack of blood. He lifted his arm in a half wave. Juggernaut then turned around and ran back towards the visible hole in the fortress.
While Jugs was outside Wolverine ran over to Colossus and helped him up.
"Gonna be all right there, bub?"
"Yeah." Pietro grunted. "Tis but a flesh wound." They heard and felt Juggernaut running back as the ground began to shake. They ran out of the way just as the Juggernaut reappeared back into the room. He stopped and looked around and spotted them limping away from him along the wall.
"Ah ha! Try to run from me, will ya?" He ran full force towards them, his head down again. When he was mere inches from them Wolverine pushed Colossus to the side and Juggernaut ran straight through the wall making yet another outline of himself. This time it was similar to an image bearing a strong resemblance to a Looney Tunes cartoon. Scott and Jean hooted and hollered from the rafters.
"Wooh! That's how you do it!"
"What's going on here?" Kitty Pryde suddenly appeared.
"Hey there, Kitty. Come watch the fight between Colossus, Wolverine and Juggernaut."
"Really? That sounds so cool. Lucky thing I brought this giant bag of popcorn back from the kitchen." Despite the odd idea that Kitty had been hauling a huge bag of popcorn around the fortress, Scott and Jean didn't ask questions. While the three enjoyed the dinner and the show, Juggernaut came running back in. He spotted the other two men and charged at them again, this time careful with his speed.
"Whoa! Look at that!" Rogue, Bobby and Pyro came striding in, apparently they were all friends again. "It's the Wolverine and Colossus up against the Juggernaut!" Bobby said ecstatically.
"Go Logan!" Rogue shouted. The three kids sat themselves around the others and eagerly partook of the popcorn.
Wolverine braced himself for Juggernauts attack. Jugs' head collided into Logan's entire body and he drove him backwards with speed and power. Logan sliced at Jugs' helmet and arms and prepared himself for the pain as Jugs ran them both into a set of empty bleachers. The loud noise caused more people to investigate the racket. Callisto and Archlight had found Toad on top of the castle and they got him down. They came in through one of the holes in the wall. Upon seeing the fight they quickly went to the bleachers on the other side of the X-Men and watched with complete fascination.
"Go Marko!" They shouted. Archlight clapped for him but a few shockwaves made the building shake and everyone to look up at her with irritation. "Sorry." She ducked her head in embarrassment.
While Marko was getting up Colossus came up behind him and slammed a metal fist into his kidney. Marko wailed in pain. He turned and saw the metal man. He reared a muscular arm back and then shot his fist towards Colossus' jaw.
CLANG!
Again, Juggernaut wailed in pain as his fist connected with the metal of his jaw. He hadn't even made a dent in his armor. Colossus put his hands on his hips and was bent back in laughter. Juggernaut ducked his head into Colossus, grabbed his hips and started running, pushing the man in front of him. Colossus tried to slow the man but it was too late, he had already built up momentum. Colossus punched Juggernauts helmet with great might (which was deafening to Jugs inside his ears) but Colossus could barely make a few dents when he turned his head to look behind him…and then all he saw was a metal wall. Juggernaut plowed them both through it making pain sear through Colossus' body. Jugs let go of Colossus and ran over him as he slowed himself down outside the fortress. The Brotherhood members on the benches (which now included Mystique, Quill, Multiple Man and Sabertooth) were all cheering with boisterous applause.
Wolverine got up and ran towards the new hole. He helped Colossus back inside and then they both felt the familiar movement of the earth signaling Juggernaut was headed their way. They stood on either side of the new hole and waited for Juggernaut to appear. As soon as he did they surprised him with a metal fist to the stomach and a slice of adamantium across his back. Juggernaut cried out and stumbled to the ground, sliding through the dirt a good thirty feet before his body rested in the indention his heavy body had caused in the ground.
The X-Men all cheered wildly. Beast, Nightcrawler and Storm were all in attendance now. They watched the battle with enthrallment and ate the delicious buttery popcorn.
Wolverine and Colossus ran to the Juggernaut's fallen form. When they got there they stood by him and raised their fists and claws high in the air over him, ready to plunge more blows upon the bloody body when Jugs' arms shot out and he grabbed a leg of each of the men and knocked them both to the ground.
More Brotherhood cheering ensued as the three struggled to stand before the others. Juggernaut was able to get up and he kicked Wolverine over and stepped on Colossus then ran a small distance from them. He faced them again and started sprinting towards them. They both rolled out of the way as he ran past them. Unable to stop himself in time, and since once he was started he could not change direction, Juggernaut made another hole in the fortress.
During this brief moment while Jugs was outside collecting himself Jaime made his way towards the X-Men.
"Excuse me." He said to Kitty who was holding the popcorn. She looked at him as he took the bag from her. She was about to protest when Jaime duplicated himself, popcorn and all, then the original handed the original bag of popcorn back to her. He took the new bag of popcorn from his clone and re-assimilated the copy. "Thank you." Jaime said. He looked at Scott, gave him a little wink, and then made his way back to the Brotherhood bleachers. Scott scowled in humiliation.
Juggernaut came back into the arena looking mad as hell. By that time Wolverine and Colossus had relocated themselves to the other side of the arena. They were prepared for Jugs. As soon as Juggernaut entered through the hole he had just made, Colossus took one of Wolverine's hands and one of his legs and then twirled him around like a little kid. Since Jugs didn't want to have another occurrence like the last one he had simply walked through then stopped at the hole to survey his opponents. Colossus let Wolverine go and he went flying through the air with incredible speed towards Juggernaut.
"Fastball special!" All the X-Men shouted with glee as they watched Logan soar through the air towards the Brotherhood mutant.
Cain's helmet obscured his view from above and he never saw Wolverine coming. Metal claws sliced his shoulders and he felt something push his helmet back causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards onto the jagged ground outside the hole he had just entered.
The X-Men cheered wildly while the Brotherhood hissed and booed, popcorn falling out of their mouths.
Juggernaut got up but he was battered and bloody. He was losing energy and Colossus and Wolverine knew it. In a last attempt Juggernaut started running towards Wolverine with his head ducked down and with as much strength as he could muster. The Juggernaut didn't have nearly as much speed as before and Wolverine easily rolled out of the way. Before Jugs could pass him a strange occurrence…well, occurred. Juggernaut changed his direction. His head went towards Wolverine and he trampled over him. The Brotherhood stood up in wild excitement.
"What the hell?" Jean said to Beast. "The Juggernaut can't change his direction once he's gained momentum."
"Maybe it's because he's running at a slower pace."
"No, it shouldn't matter. He shouldn't be able to do it at all." They looked at each other and shrugged in bafflement.
Juggernaut was now headed towards Colossus. Colossus saw him coming. He tried to dodge the incoming mutant but no matter what direction he moved Juggernaut was headed for him. Jugs felt renewed energy in knowing he could follow their movements (although he had no idea how he was doing it) and he ran with monster force. The collision of his thick iron helmet to Colossus' metallic body was loud. Colossus went flying backwards and landed fifty feet away. Juggernaut never slowed down after plowing through Colossus. He simply kept running, changing his direction only once, towards Wolverine. Logan knew he had to do something other than dodge. He decided to run.
Juggernaut chased Wolverine everywhere. The fans watched and cheered loudly as their eyes followed Jugs and Wolverine running through all three rooms. Wolverine pounced over and under everything he could while Jugs plowed through more benches, and then through the gymnastics area and then through the weight room chasing him. They ended up back at the arena where Wolverine made a mad dash towards one of the holes in the walls. He ran through it then went directly to his right so that Juggernaut could no longer see him. Quickly Wolverine went through one of the other holes in the walls back into the arena. Juggernaut lost sight of Wolverine. He slowed down and then raced back through the same hole, only to have fallen for the same trick as Colossus and Wolverine waited for him by the entrance. Jugs went sprawling again.
The X-Men erupted in loud bursts of applause. Wolverine and Colossus quickly went to the side of Juggernaut but was careful to stay clear of his reach. They raised their fists and claws and struck with incredible force…right into each other. Logan's claws flinted sharply across Colossus' metal frame as Colossus' fist made contact with Logan's head. Both went down in shock and pain.
Both the Brotherhood and the X-Men stood up in surprising alarm. What the hell had just happened?
Colossus and Logan got up at the same time just as Juggernaut raised his head slowly in anguish. They all three sat on the ground and rubbed their heads. Suddenly, they all looked at each other…and attacked. Wolverine slashed at Juggernaut, but his claws ended up slicing across Colossus' body. Colossus punched wildly at the air, his movements looked jerky and uncontrolled.
"What the f-?" Juggernaut, a little frightened at the display before him scrambled out of the way of their unrestrained thrashing. Wolverine suddenly got up but the look on his face was of complete surprise. His arms went above his head and he began to twirl on his toes like a ballerina. The Brotherhood laughed but the X-Men all shook their heads in puzzlement. Colossus found himself standing up and moving as if to music. His arms and legs were straight and he realized he was doing the robot.
"Somebody help!" Colossus yelled as his arms and legs moved by themselves.
"Release your armor!" Beast yelled back. There was a sound of metal chinks and the Colossus was back to Pietro, in the flesh. He looked around and realized he was no longer under the spell Wolverine was currently still in. Logan's graceful display of ballet was quite incredible to behold. His face was red with anger, his teeth gritted in mortification.
"MAGNETO!" He shouted furiously. Laughter could be heard from above as the Master of Magnetism floated down from the dark ceiling where he had been perched on the vaults.
"I though you would never figure out the cause of Mr. Marko's ability to change his course."
"How long have you been up there?" Wolverine asked still under Magneto's control. His pilates stretched Wolverine's muscles making the striations easier to see, and a little sexier too.
"I came in right after you did. I saw you sneaking up on Juggernaut." He had a mischievous grin. "Where do you think that ring came from at the beginning of the fight?" The smirk was still plastered on his face. It pissed Wolverine off.
"Cheater." Wolverine spat as he twirled again. "Will you stop it!" With a small condescending frown Magneto released Wolverine.
"Don't you call him a cheater!" Mystique said glaring evilly at Wolverine and striding up to Magneto's side to take his arm. "He fought as fair as your stupid little tricks would allow, Mr. Backstabber." She said recalling the night at the Liberty Island.
"Backstabber!" Rogue said getting up from her position from the bench. Bobby and Pyro looked at each other in unease. "He's not a backstabber like you are!" Rogue said taking her gloves off and making her way towards Mystique. Jean stood up and stopped her.
"Calm down, Rogue. Don't give in to her antics."
"What's wrong, ph.D?" Callisto snickered from her position on the Brotherhood bleachers. "Don't want your sister to get her ass kicked like you did?"
"What the fuck, bitch!" Jean erupted uncharacteristically. "Was I talking to you?" Callisto stood up with a menacing glare at Jean's infuriating comments. Archlight stood up beside her. Not one to leave her friends in trouble, Storm stood up next to Jean. Kitty gulped hard, then reluctantly stood slightly (but was kind of hunched over) next to Rogue. Magneto looked at Wolverine. They glanced at each other with alarm. Erik gave Mystique a quick passionate kiss.
"Good luck, my dear." Magneto released their embrace then, using his powers, he dragged Wolverine with him back to the bleachers.
With a wave of Magneto's hand, the ring of a boxing bell echoed in the arena
Winner: Draw. But it looks like the men will all be winners once the ultimate catfight is underway.
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Final score:
X-Men – 4
Brotherhood - 3
Draws – 2
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Author's note: Thank you very much for all those who reviewed!
XChocolateChipX – I'm glad you find this fic hilarious! If there's anything I want to share with the world it's laughter. And sexually transmitted diseases. But mostly laughter. (I swear on my grave I do not have an STD. It's a joke!)
AngelofSnow – Please feel free to steal the library idea. Hell, take any idea of mine that strikes your fancy. I would love for the Kama Sutra to show up on Erik's nightstand in your story.
Frankie – Don't worry, Mystique is one of my favorite characters too and she'll be kicking ass and taking names in the next chapter. Also are you aware of the Kama Sutra? It's not really pornography but a book full of "suggestions" for bedroom activities. The pictures are merely there to help the reader understand the intricate (and sometimes complicated) procedures. Yeah, Erik has no need for porn while he's got Mystique. Mreow!
Andrew Joshua Talon – Thanks for reviewing! Sorry, but despite his easy on the eyes appearance, Cyclops seems too simple to bash sometimes. I don't mean to be mean to him. It just happens. However he does have an admirer in Jean and a lot of admirers in Jaime.
Was this chapter funny? If yes, please review. If no, please review.
Who do you think should win the ultimate catfight? If Mystique, please review. If Rogue, please review. If Jean, please review. If Callisto, please review. If Archlight, please review. If Storm, please review. If Kitty, well, you can review but I can guarantee you it won't be her.
Next chapter: Ultimate Catfight! Only one left standing. Who will it be? If you think you know email your answer and I'll give you a shiny quarter if you're right.
