In Which Azra Faces Reality
No, I am not afraid to die
It's every breath that comes before
Heartache, I've heard, is part of life
And I have broken more and more
But I can hope how this will end
With every line a comedy
That we could learn to love without demand
But unreserved honesty
This Will End – The Oh Hellos
The Night of April 21, 2871
The four Hunters picked their way through the undergrowth. They were not nearly as quiet as they should have been. They were tired. They were in a hurry.
They needed to rest and gather strength, but Andal figured if he ordered a stop, he'd have a mutiny on his hands. Shaana and Imir had split once the Kell was dead. The four of them left had looked at each other, and without saying a word, began high-tailing it back to the communication hub.
Andal had banished his doubts when they were fighting the Kell. True to his predictions, it had been a hard fight, hard fought and hard won. But they had won.
Yet Andal wasn't sure if he would be able to call this day a victory in the future. Sure, they got their target. But what had they sacrificed in order to do so? Wasn't the first responsibility to look after each other? And they'd left the newbie alone in an untenable position.
She'd looked so afraid when they'd left.
He told himself to reserve judgment until they got back to their rendezvous. It didn't stop his worrying. He chose speed over stealth, imagining worse and worse outcomes as they got nearer and nearer.
They collectively paused when they got in visual range. The door to the hub was wide open and the cloaking was down. Andal's stomach dropped. He managed to keep composure and hope as they made their way inside, but it was a struggle.
It was dead chaos in the bunker. Cables cut, crates knocked over, piles of Fallen bodies. Way more than they'd left behind. Too many. The air smelled of machine oil and spilled ether. Here and there, in traces, was the rusty brown of spilt Human blood.
Shiro knelt to inspect. "Void scarring?" he said, "This is fresh." The corpses were still smoking and spitting purple sparks. Someone had been using a Dusk Bow in here.
"Azra!" Andal called out. His voice echoed in the too-still space. "It's us!"
Movement from the hallway. Andal aimed down his sights, expecting a Marauder, but instead seeing a familiar helmet duck back into cover.
"Thank God," Azra's voice echoed back. The tension in the room evaporated. She stuck her head back out, and when nobody made moves to shoot, slipped around the corner.
"I was just about to bail," she said, coming to a halt before them. She looked battered. "You guys do your thing?"
Cayde twirled his gun and slid it back into its holster. "The Kell of Kings is dead," the Exo confirmed.
"Good. I think?" She trailed off into an awkward silence. She really had no idea. It sent Andal back to his early tongue-tied days.
The four of them were too tired. Andal was still processing how she stood, unsure of how close she should be, when the newbie tensed.
He turned to look where she looked. There were Fallen in the passageway behind them. Damn stealthy bastards. They'd caught the Hunters unawares- all of them had been distracted.
Well, almost all of them.
He'd barely gotten his gun out of its sling when there was a whistle-shriek-snap and an orb of Void Light smacked the Captain in the face. A second later, it exploded into a mass of shifting starlight. Tethers shot out to grab the hostiles in the corridor.
It was over in seconds. The four veteran Hunters, already turned and ready, simply unloaded on the party. They died quickly, unable to raise any defenses. The starlight-ball winked out of existence. And then there was just a pile of Void-scarred bodies.
"Didn't know you could do that," Tevis said mildly. The Tether hadn't been his. One of his would have killed the Captain straight off- but it had been so fast.
"I hope it's not a bad thing," the newbie replied. Her voice was lacking in sarcasm, worryingly.
"Not a lot of Hunters can make a connection with the Void," Tevis stated.
The younger Hunter shrugged and looked away. When they'd left, she'd seemed sad to see them go. Now she was back to edgy discomfort. Her hands still glimmered purple.
"…We should get going," Andal offered. They'd have hours to fix… this. Whatever this was. Safety was more important right now.
In the end, they just kind of went with the flow. The five Hunters edged North and East, stringing a path through the mountains and valleys. They clashed with many groups of Fallen- Azra even got to participate in some of those conflicts. The battles were quick and messy, arriving without warning and ending just as suddenly. Occasionally, very occasionally, they'd sit and rest, and Andal would stare at his map and frown.
They shouldn't head back to the City before daybreak, the leader explained. The Fallen didn't like sunlight much- any counterattack would have to wait until morning, when Guardians were at an advantage. In the meantime, the best they could do was gather intel and throw a wrench into any Fallen plans that they came across. With no network, identifying priority targets was hard. (And, though they didn't say it, Azra knew they didn't dare seek more trouble with her to look after.)
The stars inched their paths across the sky, intermittently covered by clouds. The moon set. When the horizon started showing the first hints of dawn, the Hunters started looking for a way though the Fallen lines.
Tevis would never admit it out loud, but he liked Nightstalkers, in general. Some of them could get on his nerves- mostly them that just stumbled into the Void by chance. Those ones could be just as annoying as your average greenhorn. But for the rest, the ability to draw the Bow meant that they knew something. You could not be a habitual Void-user while being blind. You'd have to have learned some truth, at least.
His pack, for example: Shiro-4 drew his Bow because he'd seen so many deaths. He'd been the victim of a Fallen raid in his previous life; his early years were spent seeking vengeance for what had been his home. He'd seen his revenge through. He'd learned what little good it did. You could feel it, if you knew how to listen, when he pulled the string. You could feel how heavy death could weigh, how the stink could linger on your hands for years, decades. He had a very, very high body count, all of it for nothing.
Andal drew his Bow for tarnished youth, shattered innocence, things irrevocably changed. He'd always been soft-hearted with the youth. Tevis knew he drew his with things dead, gone, and forgotten. Every bond broken, never to be mended. Every death cast into the well of the uncaring universe.
The newbie, though… He'd been surprised when she'd pulled on the Void. She was young, and so very obviously Arc-oriented. What loss could she have experienced, when she'd never known anybody?
Yet she aimed at the Fallen, and the Fallen died. She pulled her Bow with mourning for things unborn and never-to-be. Fires laid but never lit, paths never walked. She was untethered to anyone or anything. She could just walk away from the world and disappear, never leaving a trace.
They'd never see her again after this, Tevis realized. She'd already let go. That's where the unsteadiness in her stance came from. Tevis wasn't one to mess in other people's business, but that just didn't seem fair. She'd barely had a chance, and now it was over? Like that. One dodgy night and she'd given up on humanity.
"I'll talk to her," he murmured to Andal in one of the quiet moments. The Gunslinger had noticed it too- he just got people sometimes. You could see the gears turning in his head. He'd tried to speak to her a couple times, only to be brushed off.
Andal nodded back, grateful. "I think she'd listen to you, maybe. If you do it right."
Tevis thought about it. He thought about the crackle-snap of her Staff when she'd leapt in to save his hide. He remembered her shuddering, relieved sigh when he'd stepped in to save hers.
"In for a penny, in for a pound, right?" Tevis mused.
Sunrise
They had a pretty good view of the Wall as the sun rose. The stand of trees they occupied was still in shadow, since they were on the western side of a mountain, but the morning light was cast bright onto the City below them. The Traveler would have been breathtaking if Azra had any breath to spare. She was dead tired.
But she was alive, and so too was the City. The skyscrapers sat glittering in the light, perfect and unbroken. There was no smoke from fires, no streams of people fleeing violence. Everything was quiet. Azra wasn't very impressed. She'd seen bigger and more beautiful things. It was certainly the shiniest place she'd ever looked at, but she had a distaste for gilding. The miniature towers in the distance just looked gaudy when framed by the mountain splendor.
The other four's attention was not on the City, but the ground before it. Azra could make out the forms of spider-tanks in the foliage. She didn't look forward to fighting them. For now, she sat and rested and appreciated the view as much as she could.
Until-
"Comms are up," Andal's Ghost announced suddenly. Everyone perked up.
Azra held a hand out for her own Ghost. He regretfully reported he still had no access to the system. The encryption keys could only be granted in-person. It was no hinderance to the other four Hunters, who immediately buried themselves in their interfaces.
Azra sat back and tracked the few clouds in the sky. Despite the glory of the sun, she didn't think it would get too much warmer. There had been a cold front through sometime in the previous days, and the air still hadn't settled. The higher-level clouds were getting torn apart by the air currents.
Andal interrupted her weather musings with technology musings. "Sending, but not receiving," he muttered. "Still. Looks like the line held. They're already putting together a counterattack."
Azra did not speak. She was thinking about the future- and not just how cold it would be tomorrow night.
Shiro-4 shrugged. "Well, let's get going. Reports don't mention movement in Eastgarden Gap. Good as a place to get through as any."
Azra stood up and stretched. The map Shiro had given her had Eastgarden clearly marked. It would be a few hour's walk yet. Then-
Then this night would be over. Was that a good thing?
Azra thought six people was a lot. Azra was wrong.
They transmatted into the City. Spark managed to piggyback off of the other's connection- otherwise it would have been an even longer walk to one of the gates. Even before they got in range, Azra was astounded by the number of people she could see on the Wall.
Past the Wall, in the streets, it was absolute bedlam. People ran back and forth, shouts filled the air, dirt was kicked up, items were dropped- she did her best to tune it all out, but it was not in her nature to ignore things. This was as noisy and distracting as a war zone.
There were so many people, and so many kinds of people. Her Ghost pointed out the Titans, who strode though with confidence born of momentum, all bulwark armor and heavy boot-treads. The Warlocks stepped quieter, but with no less determination. She was afraid to brush their robes, like they would singe her. There were more Exos, Humans in every shade of skin and hair imaginable, and Awoken with skin and hair Azra hadn't thought to imagine. Sparrows zipped and transports rumbled, but mostly, people walked.
The other four lead her through the crowds- Andal in front, Tevis in rear, like there was still danger about. Maybe they just thought she'd get lost in the throngs. Azra felt they could carry her away just as well as a river current. They traced a path through several teleporters and a few side streets until they came upon a short, squat building. It was unassuming on the outside, but inside-
It was also unassuming. There was a table and a few chairs set up in the center. The walls were ringed with glowing terminals. People hustled in and out, but at least they spoke at reasonable volumes. Azra still did a sweep of the place before she dared relax. It was weird to see holographic interfaces that actually worked.
There was a tall, dark-skinned man in shiny gold-and-white amor at the main table. Azra thought it rather impractical, how visible he'd be. Maybe that was the point. A giant two-headed axe leaned against the wall behind him- not a subtle type of weapon. He reminded her of the view of the City, all pretty and glowing and so very, very obvious.
He was the only one who really stood out in the room. There were others- Warlocks bustled around, tapping at command terminals, Ghosts hovering over their shoulders. There were plenty of people about in uniform, Ghostless. Azra supposed they were just… normal people.
Andal led her over to a thin-lipped, tired-looking Awoken woman. She wore a purple-and-blue cape to match her purple hair and blue eyes. Andal put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her to the front of their group. "Look what we found!" he announced cheerily.
The woman eyed her up and down. Her hands only briefly stilled from their work on the holograms before her. "You don't look familiar."
"She's never been to the City before," Andal explained. "Picked a hell of a time for a first visit. Found her just after sunset."
"Well then. I'm Alaia Ruse, Hunter Vanguard," the woman said, sticking out a hand.
"…Azra Jax," Azra said after a moment. She reached out and completed the handshake.
Alaia Ruse turned back to Andal. "You found a Kinderguardian. Congratulations." It didn't sound like praise. "But I'm trying to lead combat operations here, in unknown territory. Why is this news?"
"Get this," Cayde said excitedly, "She's an Arcstrider."
Alaia Ruse's eyes flicked back over to Azra. The tall, gilded man looked up from his work, a frown on his face. Several of the Warlocks paused in their work to cast intrigued glances her way.
Azra's throat closed up. It felt like the universe was bending, focused in razor-sharp interest that drew everyone's eyes to cut at her. Her heart pounded in her chest. The space was quiet now, and still, because people were staring.
"I think I should go," Azra blurted out.
"Well-" Alaia started.
Azra kept going. "They killed the Kell of Kings. I didn't. I don't know anything. I'm gonna go be somewhere else. It's crowded here, you need the space, I'm going to go. Now."
Alaia looked confused. Azra's feet refused to remain steady in their place. She gave ground by centimeters as she repositioned herself, just a little closer to the door, turning her back towards the prying eyes. The room was even more quiet now, because she'd drawn more attention with her outburst, and it was everything she could do to not bolt.
"I'll handle this," Tevis rumbled behind her. He tapped her shoulder, hooked a thumb towards the door, then walked out like it was the end of the discussion.
Azra was quick to follow.
They found somewhere quiet (relatively speaking). Azra began to strip off the armor she'd been leant. Her old gear was flimsy in comparison, but at least it didn't chafe. Metaphorically or physically.
Tevis took each piece with quiet clemency. He took the extra weapons, too, when Azra held them out. His face was steady neutral as she re-armed and re-armored herself.
The last thing was the helmet- Tevis's helmet. She held it out. He put up a hand.
"Keep it." His voice was kind.
Azra stayed frozen in her pose for a few seconds. Indecisiveness tore at her. She didn't want to offend Tevis, but… she didn't want the helmet. Why not? It was a very nice helmet.
"It's a gift, Azra," Tevis said. She looked back up at him, not knowing how to explain, not knowing if she wanted to explain. There was friction in her chest, repulsion from two opposing angles. The primary vibration in her soul was that of things ending, ceilings come crashing down, bones broken to splinters.
Tevis's eyebrows drew together. Confused? Concerned? "You look at me sometimes like you're afraid I'll break your heart."
There were a hundred things she could have said. It's not that I don't like you, it's that I do. Sitting alone in the hub was hard. Being alone never used to be hard. I'm young and slow and I will be left behind, I will be alone again, and I don't need reminders of what could be. It's not fair to tie yourself to someone like me.
She didn't say any of them. She spoke the only truth she dared. "This is heavy," Azra admitted, staring at the headgear so she wouldn't have to look him in the eye. How weird was the idea, every time Andal or Cayde had looked at her, the first thing they'd seen was Tevis's helmet.
Gentle hands took it from her. "Then I won't make you carry it," Tevis said evenly. She glanced back up at him in disbelief and confusion. It couldn't be that easy, could it? His face was unreadable. He gestured for her to sit and settled down himself, rolling the helmet between his hands.
"You don't trust me," he stated like it was an obvious fact. But it was wrong.
There was a comforting sound- she knew the bark of Tevis's Hand Cannon by this point. A steadying hand fell on her shoulder.
She breathed a sigh in relief. She was safe. What an alien feeling, security in a war-torn field.
She opened her mouth to protest, but Tevis shook his head. "Trusting me with your life and trusting me to understand are two different things. Frankly, I think I'd lose some respect for you if you expected me to get you right away."
That confused her. "Respect?" Since when had any of this been about respect?
"You're strong," Tevis said in that matter-of-fact way.
"The dents in my armor say otherwise," she argued.
Tevis rolled his eyes. "Not that way. You haven't lied to me once. You haven't even considered trying. And you don't hide your uncertainty." Was that strength? Azra would think it weakness: no walls, no defenses. Tevis's reasoning did not follow the rules she'd learned. Was Tevis wrong, or her understanding?
He continued. "You take nothing on assumption, and you listen. I respect that. It is very easy to become a better fighter. To become a better person is a different trick entirely. You may have had a rough upbringing, but you came out of it a decent sort."
"I'm not so sure about that," she muttered. These four, she thought, were good people. And she didn't understand them at all.
"That's just confirmation," Tevis said. Azra gave up trying to follow his meaning. It didn't help that she couldn't quite catch her breath, mentally. It was chaotic here, loud, distracting. There were too many people rushing by. It was overwhelming.
She had to focus on one thing at a time. Tevis sat in front of her, eyes boring straight into her soul. He rolled the helmet in between his hands. He looked thoughtful. "Seriously. It's just headgear."
"Andal told me it was your favorite," Azra admitted. Practicality, she could get. But favor seemed more like a burden than a gift.
"That bastard," Tevis said, no venom, just mild fondness behind the words. His fingers flexed on the helmet's latches. He seemed to make a decision. "After all this is sorted and done," he said, "considering we're all still alive, I'd like to stay in touch."
Her face settled automatically into a flat look of disbelief. Sure he would. It made total sense, the battle-hardened veteran with the misfit newbie.
"You don't get to judge me," Tevis said. Azra looked up to find him glaring imperiously. "And I don't lie about shit like this."
Reality hit. Maybe it was the swear. It brought that harsh edge of authenticity back into the conversation. Things grounded themselves. He actually liked her. Somehow it had grown past casual compassion and obligation.
"I don't understand you," Azra groaned. "I've been nothing but a burden. Why?"
Tevis shrugged. "It's not just my decision. Andal's real soft with newbies. He'll worry himself to heartbreak over you. Once Cayde starts caring about things, it's awful hard to get him to stop. Gunslingers, the both of 'em. Shiro ain't so passionate, but you're fluent in Fallen and that's more than enough for him."
"And you?" Azra asked, looking him in the eye for as long as she dared.
Tevis stood and offered her a hand up. She took it.
"Well, blood, I think you can handle yourself. Consider my judgement reserved, even if you don't trust me yet."
He broke eye contact, finally, glancing off down the street. "Andal's pinged- we're going back out into the field." He sounded a bit regretful. "You should probably rest here, at least until air travel is safe again. We'll talk later."
She didn't know what to say to that. Tevis nodded a farewell, pulled his hood up, and then vanished, quite literally, into the crowd.
Azra stood alone, more lost than she'd ever felt.
Then Spark got a ping: there was a general announcement that came with City comms access, along with an invitation to a private message channel. It only took a minute of indecision before she accepted. So very little of her life made sense anymore.
She thought maybe she could learn to be okay with that.
