Gambit had no idea how long he'd been sitting there. He'd been sick several times, his throat burned and his insides hurt from the strain, but it was nothing compared to what he had done to others. He could remember charging up the very molecules inside Pulse's body with just a thought. He had envisioned them in his mind as they began to glow, to burn, to dissolve. Only when the man's entire body was positively screaming with energy did he release his hold. After that, it was all over. The sickly, wet sound of the explosion, the sight of meat and bone torn to shreds, now unrecognizable as specific human parts, would haunt him forever. He wondered if he still held those powers, but was too afraid to test them. He hoped he didn't have them, that he didn't have any.
Hope. Now there was an odd word. He wasn't certain he understood the meaning of it anymore. Everything was so dark, desolate... hopeless. Another shiver ran through his body, now covered in a cold sweat. He retched again, but there was nothing left to bring up but his stomach itself. He thought he heard a voice through the fog in his mind, but it didn't quite register as reality. Someone was touching him, weren't they? The touch was so tender that it had to be a dream. It wasn't until the loud gush of water right below his head finally washed the memories to the back of his mind, allowing him to focus. It was Rogue. She was really there. When she'd left earlier after getting the room, he'd had his doubts that she would ever return. Part of him wished she wouldn't. Part of him expected history to repeat itself, and for her to abandon him again, this time of her own free will. The part of his heart that was still beating wanted to soar that she had come back, but it remained grounded by the fact that she shouldn't have.
Mystique had been right all along. He didn't deserve her.
For some reason, though, she loved him. No matter what problems they'd been having lately, the gentle way she helped him into the tub, how softly her fingers massaged through his hair, he could never again doubt this fact. He didn't deserve her but, Dieu, how he needed her right now. He couldn't bring himself to refuse her help any more than he could bring himself to look at her. He knew she loved him, but he couldn't bear to look in her eyes. He knew they had changed. There was no way she could ever look at him the same after what he had done. He couldn't bear to see the anguish, the confusion, the pity, the disgust... he knew it would all be there. He knew he should send her away. She would only grow to hate him as time went on. But he couldn't, not with her touching him so softly, washing away the blood, cleansing away his sins. He whimpered quietly as she moved on to his hands. He knew they would never be clean. No matter how hard she scrubbed, the blood would always linger just below the surface, just as it would remain fresh in his mind.
Then she was walking away. So strong. How could she be so strong? Now alone in the room, Remy shakily crawled out of the tub, careful not to step on the clothing still scattered on the floor. Taking the large towel she'd left behind, he very methodically dried himself off, forcing himself to think only of this small task. If he could do this, take everything step by step, things would be easier. Don't think ahead, don't think back, don't think of anything but his current actions.
She was taking longer than expected. Had she left him again? Maybe this time had been too much. Maybe she had realized what he had earlier: that there was no hope. But no, he could hear her in the other room. How could she be so strong? The answer was simple.
She couldn't.
He could hear her quiet sobs through the paper thin walls. He was ripping her apart, tearing her down, piece by piece. She was determined to make sure he survived this, but who would be there to see to it that she did the same?
He knew that she didn't want him to see her break. She wanted to appear strong for him. He could go out there now, should go out there now and attempt to comfort her, but what comfort could he offer? There was none. No, he would wait. He would wait as long as it took for her to dry her tears, compose herself, and waltz back in here like everything was fine. Her voice wouldn't falter, her instructions would be clear, but he knew her eyes would betray her. He just wouldn't look at them. He'd allow her to keep up the charade, both for him and for herself.
Wrapping the towel around his waist, Remy lowered the seat on the toilet and sat down. He could no longer hear her. She would be back soon, he knew it this time. He knew she hadn't left. He looked back down at his hands. The skin was no longer black and the blood had been cleaned completely away, but he could still see it. He could always see it.
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A/N: Here we go again! I sat down last Sunday and wrote like four parts. The inspiration was flowin' like water that day! But since I haven't had much time to write since, I figured I should spread the chapters out a little instead of dumpin''em all in one big lump, then havin' no follow up for days. Dunno why I felt like sharin' that, but there ya have it. And now for the reviews!
LoneRaven: You're hooked on my fic? Eee! That's awesome. Merci!
Prexistence: So glad I got such an emotional reaction outta ya. Not that I wanna make ya cry or nothin', but ya know. ;) In answer to your questions, yes and yes. As this is only the first night I'm showin' pretty much every detail. As time goes on, I plan on skippin' some stuff and lapsing some time to show how their journey progresses. As for the others, I do have one guest start slated to appear already, although whether it will be just to speak with Rogue, or with both of them I haven't decided yet. But don't worry, the X-Men will not be forgotten in this.
ishandahalf: Hopefully Remy'll realize that too, that he also has to help himself. One cannot be completely dependent on another person forever.
BJ2: Another squealworthy review. The fact that I'm saving a character for you that you despise, and making you enjoy reading a couple you've grown to hate just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Thanks bunches!
Tammy: Thanks so much for the review! It's hard to work around years of bad canon characterization, so I'm so glad ya feel I'm gettin' the characters right, and that their actions and reactions are believable.
Anamarie: I love that you felt exactly what I'm goin' for. Everything has a reason and significance, and sometimes it's in the smaller things that the true depth of one's pain really shows. And what's happening to Remy is happening to both of them, though they handle things much differently. Thanks for the feedback!
