Ezra sat in the kiddie pool of Blizzard Beach, which everyone else wisely avoided. As the ghost sulked, a haze surrounded him. In an instant, he was no longer wallowing in his personal toilet, but in the Underworld staring at Hades. "The name is Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing?"
Ezra sprang up. "Hades! You've kidnaped me! Well, I happen to have the world's best lawyer on my side and we ain't taking this sitting down!"
Hades tried to calm the ghost down. "Hold on a second..."
Ignoring the god, Ezra did a genie-style transformation into a lawyer. "I'm my own lawyer! I say this man should have life in jail and have nude photographs of Esmeralda dangled in front of him but always too far away to make out the details!"
"What are you..." started Hades.
"I'm also the judge!" continued Ezra, transforming into a judge. "GUILTY!"
Ezra turned to Pain and Panic, who were walking in at that second. "Arrest him!" he cried, pointing to Hades.
"Uh...okay." The two imps started for Hades, who simply threw a few flames at them, sending the duo bouncing away painfully. "I never know what's going around here!" called Panic.
"Now that that little bit of holy crap weirdness is over," said Hades, "there's this deal people want to make with you."
Ezra jumped up again. "Like the deal you made with HERCULES! Well, my godlike strength is here to stay!"
Hades rolled his eyes. "No, it's about that hot girl you like."
Ezra glared at Hades suspiciously. "Her! Is this one of those things where I leave the Underworld but if I turn around, I see her and she's gone forever and then I regret it for the rest of my life and sing so sadly that everyone kills me and we can live together as shadows afterwards? 'Cause that's freaky."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. A little too much sugar there."
"Nah," said Ezra, "this is me depressed. You don't want to see on sugar."
"It's not me making the deal," explained Hades. "It's Ursula."
"Her? Weird, my memories of her movie are oddly hazy. Did she die by falling off of Big Ben?"
"Nah, that was the rat."
Ezra looked sad. "Mickey's dead? He never liked me, you know."
"Enough with the Disney jokes! Let's go make that deal."
"Okay." The two slowly floated upwards. "Can't we go any faster?" complained Ezra.
"She doesn't come out until night falls. We've got some time to kill."
"Oh." Ezra was silent for a while and then said, "Hey, does anyone else think that 'Mike's Supershort Show' is nothing but a crappy commercial with awful jokes and plugs that put the movies to shame?"
"Thank you. I hate it, too."
"That's comforting."
By the time they finally reached the surface, the sun had fallen. They were now on the stage of Fantasmic. Ezra couldn't help but notice that many evil Disney characters were there. "Ooh. A lot of villains here. Is this a set-up."
"No," chorused the villains.
"Just checking."
The stage shook. Ursula emerged from the water. Ezra stepped back defensively. "Hey, now I know who's been following me! It's you! You're a stalker! It's my manly ways and paraphrase, right?"
"Don't make me laugh," said the sea witch. "I know you're in love with that Cast Member."
Ezra smiled. "Yeah, I recently learned her name! Ariel!" (THERE YOU HAVE IT!)
"I HATE THAT NAME!" bellowed Ursula.
"Well," grumbled an insulted Ezra.
Ursula calmed down and leaned over to the ghost. "The way to get to her is to become human."
"But I'm a fictional undead character!" protested Ezra. "She's real! Well, she's technically fictional as well, since this is all a story, but that's besides the point. How do I become human?"
Ursula: I admit that in the past I've been a nasty
They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch
But you'll find that nowadays
I've mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light and made a switch
True? Yes
And I fortunately know a little magic
It's a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don't laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, lonely and depressed
(Pathetic)
Poor unfortunate souls
In pain
In need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
They come flocking to my cauldron
Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!"
And I help them?
Yes, I do
Now it's happened once or twice
Someone couldn't pay the price
And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals
Yes, I've had the odd complaint
But on the whole I've been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls
"Soo..." Ezra smiled weakly. "Meken and Ashmen, huh? I've been singing that a lot lately. A few weeks ago when Gus had a life-changing 'Lion King' story there was a whole lot of Elton John. He scares us."
"Indeed," nodded Ursula.
"In fact," continued Ezra, "you remind me of him!" This resulted in a smack in the face from Ursula's tentacle. "What did I say? He was on the Muppet Show!"
"Here's how it goes," said the sea witch. "I turn you human for three days and she has to fall in love with you."
"Well, who couldn't?"
"More specifically, she has to kiss you. A kiss of true love. If the sun sets on the third day and she hasn't...you belong to me."
Phineas and Gus, who had been searching for Ezra, were listening. "Holy hatbox!"
"But if I become human, I'll never be able to work in the mansion again," said Ezra. Phineas and Gus nodded, before being kicked into the water by Scar's hyenas.
"Happens," said Ursula, ignoring Phineas and Gus. "Life's full of tough decisions. Oh, and of course there's payment."
"I've got some Disney dollars handy..."
"No, no, no! I need...your voice."
"My voice!" shouted Ezra. "What kind of payment is that? It's stupid and illogical! And another thing! Why is it always love's first kiss? Snow White and Sleeping Beauty had it, and Beauty and the Beast came pretty close. All of you witches and enchantresses think alike. How about she has to slap me on the butt or something? I'd be cool with that. And also---"
"THAT'S WHY WE'RE TAKING YOUR VOICE!" yelled the villains.
Ezra looked embarrassed. "Oh. Makes sense."
Ursula: The girls out there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a guy who's yapping is a bore
Yes, for them it's much preferred
For the men not to say a word
And after all, then what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
In fact, you could say that they all hate
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a male who's withdrawn
It's he who holds his tongue who gets his date
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost much
Just your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It's sad
But true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
This sea with finally got the ghost
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul
Ezra signed the contract Ursula handed to him.
Ursula: Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea...
"Aw, give it a rest!" hissed Hades. "We know you only do that chanting for show!"
"Fine." Ursula zapped Ezra, who was sent flying back to the mansion, sans voice. Phineas and Gus followed in a hurry.
Yes, I have taken the advice of Jase Andrews and named the Cast Member Ariel. It works, after all.
