Rating: T some swearing
Tears from the Heart
By Nymphe
Summary: The men take her for granted. Kaoru suffers in her soul and heart, but she never shows it. The last drop falls and Kaoru loses herself. (Based on "Kaoru, Ecstatic", eps #66)
PART I – HEARTBREAK
The situation
Kaoru is 20 years old and her deepest wish is that Kenshin would return her feelings. (He lives already three years in the Kamiya Dojo.) The baka is too thick-headed to see that holding back his feelings is hurting Kaoru. He keeps holding on to his mask, his stupid rurouni innocent facade. It is killing Kaoru's soul and fire bit by bit. Yahiko's name-calling isn't helping to boast her ego. But Kaoru never let them see the pain that her soul bears. She smiles or hits the insults away. But there is just so much one person can take. The last drop fell when Kenshin gave Kaoru a ring on Tanabata that he had found.Then the problems started to arise. First, they found the owner of the ring, second he didn't know that it was Tanabata and last the baka didn't knew the meaning of the 'engagement' ring. Now they have to get the ring back, without hurting Kaoru's feelings, but that will be inevitable. Yahiko and Sano tried with tricks to get the ring back (while Kenshin was still fainted of shock under a tree), but they failed miserably. The time has come to be honest, so Kenshin confesses.
Present(Kaoru's POV)
"It's over Kaoru-dono. I'm so sorry."
Kenshin explained how he got the ring and Kaoru watched him speechless. The words slowly registered in her mind, while Yahiko and Sanosuke tried to take the ring off of her finger.
They tried and tried, but the ring wouldn't come off. Slowly her shock wore off…
"It won't move at all!"
"How come it won't come off?"
"Hmmn, I think Kaoru-dono practiced too much ken Jutsu, so her fingers are thicker than a normal woman's."
"I've got fat fingers… That must be why…" whispered Kaoru.
I hid my face behind my bangs. I didn't want them to watch my eyes water. I took my hand out of Sano's and stood up. With ease I removed the phoney ring and threw it at Yahiko. Silently I retired to my room. Before I closed the shoji, I heard the men running out of the dojo. I could have known. I should have known. This was too good to be true. Kenshin. Proposing to me! Why would he even propose to a girl, a child like me? An ugly tomboy with fat fingers…
I looked at myself in the mirror. My blue eyes glazed over and became dull. The spark died… So it's true what Yahiko says. I'm too old and ugly. I hit men, for crying out loud. I should have married three years ago. I can't cook or act refined. No wonder men can't see me as a woman.
My vision blurred… and silently I let myself cry to sleep. Tonight I will allow it. I will show my weak side. Tomorrow I will smile again and act like nothing happened, like all the other times.
Or so she thought…
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
(Normal POV)
Meanwhile
The men brought the ring back to the rightful owner and watched the wedding. With a last congratulation to the newly weds, they walked back home.
"Jou-chan took it well. I thought she would make a scene. Cry or beat the shit out of some one."
"Yeah, busu was silent, so unlike her."
"She'll get over it. By tomorrow she will forget everything, ne Kenshin."
"Sessha doesn't think it will be so easy, that he thinks not. Sessha thinks sessha hurt Kaoru-dono's feelings."
"The old hag is forgiving and she will certainly forgive you."
It was already late and the men parted to their respective bedroom. But before Kenshin retired, he wanted to check on Kaoru. She was asleep with her back towards him. He never saw the dry path of the fallen tears.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
(Kaoru's POV)
The next day, the morning started as usual. Kenshin was the first one up. He made breakfast and the other boys woke up by the wonderful aroma. Yahiko woke Kaoru in his usual manner.
"Hey, you old hag, get your lazy bum out of the futon."
His noise awakened her and she remembered yesterday. Silently a few tears travelled downwards. She noticed this and told herself she had to be strong, so she wiped them away and plastered her smile in place. But today it seemed so difficult. It was hard to keep the smile intact.
Sitting in front of the mirror to comb her hair, her brush fell to the floor because of the shock of what she saw reflecting in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy. The shinning blue had changed in a broken, dull blue. Resembling her spirit perfectly. Luckily my bangs are long. They will cover my eyes nicely…
She dressed herself in a kimono before going to the dinning room to eat breakfast.
She walked in and sat quietly at her place. Yahiko started fighting with Sano over the rice, while Kaoru picked at hers. Everything is like it was the day before yesterday. They act like nothing happened.
She peeked at Kenshin. Even he acts his normal rurouni way. I can't take this. What's wrong with me? I don't feel like eating or practicing. Perhaps I should go to town, maybe visit Tae… but avoid Megumi, if she would find out what happened, she surely would make some cruel jokes. I can't take it. I have to get out of the dining room, before I suffocate.
"Hey ugly, are ye going to eat the rest?" Ugly… Get a hold of yourself. Don't let them know you're hurt. Act!
"No, Yahiko-chan, I'm not." I gave him the rice and left the room.
"Oi, ye old hag, don't call me chan."
I never responded to that.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
"Kenshin, I'm going into town…"
"Kaoru-dono, daijobu ka?"
"Hai, I'm fine." I gave him my plastered smile while covering my eyes. I saw he wanted to look into my eyes to see if I lied, but I turned around and left.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
I walked to the market and looked at several things. I started to feel a little better until some women talked.
"Did you hear what happened to the Kamiya girl?"
"Talk about embarrassment."
"If you ask me, it's his fault."
"Poor girl."
"Yes, having a crush on an older man who stamps on your heart like that."
"Well, it was about to happen, she can never satisfy such a great handsome swordsman…"
"Yes, she's a tomboy. She doesn't even know how to cook!"
"I heard she burnt down the kitchen twice already."
And they laughed.
Biting my lips, I wandered away to the river. Their conversation replayed in my head over and over again. Oh Kami, I'm a stupid little girl with a misplaced crush. It isn't a crush, it's love! I feel it and it hurts. It hurts intolerably.
I tried to compose myself while strolling towards the Akabeko.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
"Hey Tae-san, can I have tea?"
"Kaoru-chan, come here. I'm glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Yes, Tae-san?"
"I'll get the tea first."
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
"Here you are."
"Thank you."
Tae played nervously with her fingers.
"Well, I don't know how to say this, but I kind of put Kenshin-san to it. You know, giving you the ring that he had found? He didn't know the meaning of it, but he does now." That explains why he gave it to me in the first place. Tae-san, look what mess you brought me in. I don't want to think about it. What will he think about it? How will he take it. My reaction when I got the ring gave away my feelings… That means he knows them. He's going to tread me like a girl with a crush or worse tell me he can't respond to it… I'm not ready to hear that from him. I'm already hurt, I can't take more from him.
"I see…"
"Please forgive me."
"Of course I forgive you. You meant well."
I'm the idiot who believes in happy ending stories and true love at first sight…----- ----- ----- ----- -----
We talked about other things and I put my hurtful feelings away. She really is a good friend. She wants to help and brighten me up.
On the background I heard Sano and Yahiko walking in and sitting in a boot before us. I heard the word ring and I started to focus on their conversation.
"Yeah, and busu went googol-eyes on him."
"Hahaha. What I found hilarious was Kenshin's reaction when he found out he was engaged to Jou-chan. I never thought the legendary Battousai would faint and be in shock for at least two hours."
"Well I would be too, if I would propose to such an old hag."
My face turned white and Tae noticed it.
I said goodbye to Tae and left through the backdoor. I didn't want to see their faces. I'm positive Tae will tell them that I overheard their conversation.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
It's worse than I thought. FAINTED! CHOCKED! Am I that terrible that he can't see a woman in me, or wife material? Oh no, please I can't have that bad karma… Please don't let Megumi see me.
"Ah, Kaoru-chan, there you are. Hohohoho. You're quite the subject on conversation today."
"So, I noticed." Please don't talk about that. I don't know if I could hide my tears any longer or hold my smile into place…
"What were you thinking, you sweaty little girl? Did you really think a strong beautiful man, like Kenshin would marry a little girl, like you, when he can have real women? He doesn't even see you as one. You're nothing but a younger sister to him that needs protection from the big bad world. If you ask me, I don't even know why he stays at such a rundown dojo. Must be pity. Hohoho"
My anger grew a little by insulting my dojo and I welcomed the feeling.
"That dojo is my home and if you don't like it then you're not welcome there!" and I stepped away from the doctor.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
I wanted to be alone. I only knew one place. It was the place where I went to release my feelings after my father left me all alone in this world. It was a cave in the middle of the forest. No one will find me there. The second I entered the cave my smile fell and my true feelings crept out. Falling to the dirty floor I was swallowed by my thoughts and self-pity.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
Hours passed, the sun was almost under. I arrived at the dojo with a dirt-covered kimono. I took the backdoor, because I knew Kenshin was probably waiting at the front. I changed into a clean kimono and took my yukata to the bathhouse. I heard Kenshin running towards me. With my back towards him, I just walked to my destination, totally ignoring him.
"Kaoru, where have you been?" He came closer and was about to touch my shoulder. I pulled away before he could touch me. I was glad that the sun was almost under and that my hair covered my face.
"I… I was worried." I guess he'll always see me as a little girl with a need for protection. I don't want to talk to him now. I can't stay here with these memories and embarrassments. I can't stay with him…
"Please, can we talk about yesterday?" I can't take his rejection now…
"I'm tired." And walked to the bathroom.
"Ok, we'll talk tomorrow." There will be no 'we' tomorrow…
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
Three in the morning, everything was quiet. Almost everything.
Bathing, packing and four hours sleep seemed enough to go through with my plan. I put some kimonos under my blanket. It will give me at least an extra two hours… I left a note and departed the dojo through the backdoor. I left. I still can't believe it… I left my heritage, my dojo, my home… Kenshin. I don't know if I would ever give up kendo, but I can decide on that later. First I have to get as far away from them as possible. Then I will send word to Misao. She'll recognise my sorrow because of a certain iceberg. Maybe she wants to travel with me. I'll ask. In the next town I'll send her a letter by pigeon, with an address for her reply.
And the night swallowed her…
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
(Normal POV)
Morning, at the dojo.
"Wake up, busu. You need to train me after breakfast." Yahiko peeked in her room and saw 'her' in her futon.
"Ye old lazy hag, if you stay in bed, I will eat your food…" And he ran towards his food.
Sano and Kenshin were already at the table, waiting for the other two members of their makeshift family.
"Where's Kaoru-dono?"
"Still sleeping. I can't get her lazy bum out of the futon."
"You went in Jou-chan's room?"
"What! Do you think I'm an idiot like you? I don't have a death-wish yet."
"What did you call me, Yahiko-chan?"
"Don't call me CHAN, ye Roosterhead."
"Maa maa, Kaoru-dono will probably still be tired. She was rather worn out yesterday when she came home. We'll wake her up in an hour or so."
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
An hour later.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Kaoru-dono? Are you awake?" He peeked in the room and saw 'her' under her blanket. Silently he moved towards the futon and knelled down.
"Kaoru-dono, wake up…" He shook 'her'.
"Kaoru?"
He removed the blanket and a dreadful shock flowed through him. He stood, looked around the room and ran through their home calling Kaoru.
Yahiko and Sano heard his cries.
"What's wrong Kenshin?"
"What's wrong Kenshin, why are you calling Busu?"
"Kaoru isn't here. Under her blanket were kimonos stacked. She isn't in the dojo."
"She's probably at the market or did she had an early training at the dojo across town?"
"No, she would have told sessha and that doesn't explain why her travel bag is missing in her room with a few kimonos…"
The three men went back to her room and searched for clues of her whereabouts.
Yahiko found the note. Sano took it and read it out loud.
'Take care of my dojo. Kaoru.'
