Quinn laid silently rubbing Rachel's back. They were still on the couch cuddling. Rachel's head on her shoulder, her breath gently brushing her across the blonde's neck. They've been in the same position for the last 30 to 40 minutes, without saying a word.
Quinn isn't even sure if Rachel's still awake. The brunette's cries had died down 10 or so minutes after they laid down. The blonde didn't dare move unless it was necessary. She'd rather stay in that position than upset Rachel again.
She's dying with curiosity but knows it's none of her business but still.. She can't help but wonder. It's as if Rachel reads her mind because she begins to speak without moving from her spot.
"The only men in my life that ever truly made me feel like I was worth something were my fathers.." Rachel says softly.
Quinn didn't know whether to speak or not so she gave a light 'hmm' to let Rachel know she's listening.
"I know I've told people that they used a surrogate but I lied. Truth is they adopted me when I was four. I was a very unique child. I was afraid of touch. Hands in general. The social worker had been apprehensive about allowing two men to adopt me. If it wasn't for the fact that the judge knew my daddy Hiram from when they were in college together, I don't think they would have gotten approved."
"When they received their approval they were so excited after being turned down so many times. When they found out about me and how it was so hard to find placement for me they told the social worker they didn't care. They weren't afraid to work hard to help me."
"They had to take special classes to know how to deal with my kind of trauma but my daddy Hiram was a pediatric doctor. He's seen many classes like mine so he was prepared. My mother was a real piece of work and because of her I was put in very traumatizing situations. I was so terrified of hands and of most people that I didn't speak. No one could get me to speak."
"My dads' had decided that it would be best to ease me into the familiarity of having them around. So I was kept at the same place I was already living in. A group home for children like me."
"They would come everyday and read to all of us from a safe distance. They put on big shows with music and sing... They were such phenomenal singers.." Rachel whimpered with a broken chuckle on that last sentence as she sniffled. Doing her best to keep her emotions in check.
"They told me that for months they'd come by the home but never personally approached me. They were waiting for me to show signs that I was interested in them. It happened on a Tuesday my dad Leroy said."
"He was teaching a boy how to play the piano. My daddy Hiram was standing there watching. I remember watching from a distance and feeling scared to go over to them but I was drawn to his voice. I don't even remember what I was doing before that but my mind can remember the first time I interacted with them."
"My daddy Hiram said I was timid and slightly trembling but I walked right up to them and I stood next to him while my daddy Leroy continued to play and sing. My dads' said that was the moment they knew I would accept them as my parents one day."
"They continued coming and began playing more music and the more they played and sang together the more I would pay attention. The more I'd come over and stand there to listen."
"When they did anything else like read, paint or play I would never come. I'd only come to them when they'd sing. When they'd play instruments but mainly the piano."
"My dad Leroy said that I'd stare at him like he lassoed the moon or something. He said I made him feel like a star..."
"At the time I didn't know that he was singing Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle just for me. Because he said I was brought from heaven to be their little girl."
"He sang it everyday and because he sang it everyday I memorized the words. It was one Sunday that changed everything between us. Because as my dad Leroy sang and my daddy Hiram harmonized along with him, I opened my mouth and not only spoke for the first time but sang..."
Quinn had tears streaming down her red face as her mind pictured the moment. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It sounded so heartbreaking but beautiful. Leroy and Hiram Berry sound like the most wonderful people and she's so sad that she never got to meet them.
"After that we sang it everyday together and my dads' began giving me my first lessons in singing because it was the only time words left my lips."
"They never pushed me to sing though. I would just come over and one of them would ask me 'Would you like to practice singing today Rachel?' and I would nod 'yes' and we'd go from there."
"They never tried to initiate contact. They were very respectful of my space. In fact, they were shocked when one day we were singing and I took a hold of my daddy Hiram's hand."
"They told me they were excited but they didn't act as if it was a big deal in fear that I would recoil in myself again. As time passed I eventually sat next to my dad Leroy on the bench as he played."
"It took a whole year for that to happen and though I was legally their daughter they still loved me enough to be patient and wait for when I was ready to come home with them."
"Over that year they managed to get me to speak by asking me questions related to music like 'Do you understand this? Do you think you want to try that?' And so on, I remember how safe I felt with them."
"How every time they left for the evening I'd feel this weight of sadness in my chest. How I stayed staring out the window for hours waiting for their car to pull up to the home, so I can see them and be with them again. They made me feel special. I didn't understand that I was feeling loved by people for the first time in my young life."
"It wasn't until one day when they were leaving that I burst into tears and beg them not to leave me, that they finally knew I was ready to come home."
"They spoke to me about how I feel about coming home with them with the child therapist that I had already been seeing since I was first placed in foster care. They asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted to go home with them and I did."
"It wasn't easy after that either because now I was alone with them in a house with no other children and it was hard Quinn. God, it was so hard because I was scared but also happy."
"My parents told me they were scared that I'd never break through my trauma because I had episodes of hysterics when our fingers would accidently brush when it wasn't me who initiated contact but you know what?.. They never gave up on me."
"They never walked away like so many other people did. They loved me so much they took on everything and anything that came their way when it came to me and never once said or did anything to show that they regretted me..."
Rachel was crying in a composed manner but Quinn wasn't fairing better. She was an emotional wreck. She wasn't prepared for what Rachel was going to say next because if she was she'd have had a damn box of tissue ready.
"Which is why when they died I felt like I died too.. I felt lost and alone. I felt abandoned and angry. No one could get through to me. Not even Aggie or my sister."
"I felt hallow inside. Like something was missing in me and I couldn't find it no matter how hard I tried. I went looking for trouble in the worst places. I took a bus out to Shawnee Township because I heard from someone that there was going to be a party there. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone."
"I just wanted to get trashed and since I looked too young to even try to get alcohol, I figured that was my best bet. I had been at the party for a little over an hour when this guy came up to me offering me a beer."
"He asked my name and said his name was Brody. For the next few drinks we talked a little he was sweet and funny. We talked some more until he kissed me."
"It was the first time I had ever been kissed and I didn't know what I was doing but what I did know was it was distracting. I didn't think about my fathers or anything in that moment. For once it was like my brain deactivated."
"After that night we kept in touch. He invited me to more parties and we'd make out every time. Eventually he invited me over to his place. He asked me how I felt about him and I said I thought I loved him. He said if I really loved him I'd sleep with him to make it official... So I did."
"I stopped going to school by then and just spent all my time with him. He introduced me to his friends Steve, Mike, Jules, and Christina."
"The guys didn't really care that I was around but I could tell the girls weren't too keen on me being there."
"I never told any of them that I was emancipated or that had a house all to myself. I didn't even tell them where I from. I could tell if I did they'd make it party central."
"I did share that my parents died one time when I was so trashed that my emotions were every where. They didn't really say much. They did tease me about being a baby which led me to cry more and leave."
"I got over it pretty quickly. I didn't care because Brody some how was always able to get alcohol and he was the one who gave me an introduction to drugs. I started smoking weed and that graduated to coke."
Quinn's eyes slammed shut at the news. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe Rachel had spiraled out of control that much and no one was there to stop her. She wishes she could have been.
"Brody wasn't the best guy. He was rude, inconsiderate and flat out disrespectful to me in front of his friends but.. I was lonely and emotionally wrecked. I didn't care how he treated me because in my head he loved me."
"It started out with hurtful words like 'Are you an idiot?' or 'No retard' until one day we were at a party and I saw him talking to some girl who was older than me."
"I was not only tipsy but I had a few pulls of a joint, I was still pretty coherent though.. Jules and Christina were laughing at my expense because he clearly was flirting and I was supposedly such a pussy for not putting that bitch in her place. They just kept pushing me and I started to fill with jealous and anger because I did feel humiliated."
"So I approached them and confronted the girl telling her stay away from my boyfriend. She and I argued back and forth, Brody looked pissed."
"He grabbed me roughly by my arm and practically dragged me away until we were outside. He started yelling at me and cussed me out. I started yelling back until he pushed me into the brick wall of the house and I hit my head hard. So hard that I felt dizzy."
"I started apologizing and begging for his forgiveness, asking him not to be mad at me when he said he can't keep doing this with me if I keep getting jealous."
"The next day my head was killing me, I thought it was a hang over but I realized I had a small gash on the back of my head from hitting my head on the wall. You'd think that would be my first wake up call but it wasn't."
"Soon the arguments got worse and he got mad over small things like holding his hand in public. Calling him baby and being clingy."
"He got upset when we were at a party and some guy asked me where the bathroom was and accused me of trying to make him look bad in front of his friends. We argued than he hit me and got mad at me for it, yelling: 'Now look what you made me do!'
"It always ended the same. After I'd say I was sorry he'd say I forgive you but don't piss me off again. Than we'd -once again in my head- 'make love'."
"It's crazy because I knew I could defend myself against him but I never did. I never could. The fight in me wasn't there and I didn't understand why. Why was I so afraid to fight back?"
"We had just had another fight a few days prior. I remember it clearly because that day he was particularly harsh in bed after the argument and didn't say he forgave me."
"I realized I missed my period. I was nervous and worried and I just kept telling myself that I just wasn't paying attention. Then I missed another period than I started getting sick."
"Finally I gave in and bought a home pregnancy test. It was positive and I felt like my world was crashing and I was sinking. I was terrified."
"I was scared to tell him and I almost didn't but I remember going to see him that day because he asked me to pick up his drugs from his connect because he was running out of product."
"He was a drug dealer and I was his mule when he needed to refill his supply. I didn't think about what would have happened to me if I had ever gotten caught because I never cared before."
"It wasn't until that day after I took the pregnancy test did I ever feel the fear of being caught. The entire time my mind was on the baby in my stomach and how what I was doing could put it in danger."
"The more time I thought about it the more it made me think of my own mother and how because of her choices I was a traumatized child. Because drugs were her life and she was the darkness in my life. How my fathers' were my guiding light. What they would think of me if they could see what I was doing? Could they see me?"
"All those thoughts were whirling in my head that by the time I reached Brody I was a mess. He didn't even ask me what was wrong. He just took the bag of drugs from me and set to work than yelled at me for just standing there instead of helping. That's when I said: 'I'm pregnant..'
"There were many reactions I thought he'd have but.. it didn't happen the way I thought it would. His face looked.. Quinn he looked so angry with me that it caused me to tremble on the spot."
"He stormed over to me and slapped me so hard I felt like my neck snapped. He said: 'If you say that again I'll beat the shit out of you. Now get your ass over here and help me get this shit ready.'
"I nodded and fought with myself not to cry because I knew if I did he'd hit me again. It took two weeks for him to even broach the subject but he didn't speak about it."
"He just drove me to a free clinic told me to get my ass in there and take care of it. That I better not tell any one than said he'd be waiting in the parking lot."
"When I went in there, there were girls young and older than me there with their parents. They looked just as scared as I did. Some of them looked like they had been crying for hours and some of them looked stoic and not mentally present."
"I sat there waiting and the longer I sat there the more I thought about everything up until that point. It was the first time I really let my mind remember what my mother had done to me when I was little."
"How Brody and my mother seemed like the same person. How Brody some how always made me feel like my mother made me feel."
"How scared of her I was. How I had been so afraid of touch because of her and how my fathers freed me from it."
"It hit me then that the reason I never fought him back is because he wasn't Brody in my mind. He was my mother and all I ever wanted from my mother was to hear her tell me she loved me and mean it. Have her hug me and hold not hurt and abuse me. I just wanted her to love me and I wanted the same thing from Brody because he acts exactly like her."
"It all hit me so hard. All at once with no remorse. How my mother even years later was abusing me because of what I was allowing to happen to me. How weak I was. How I always felt like a child in Brody's presence. How he never wanted to use a condom and I never spoke a word about it though I really wished he'd use the damn protection."
"How my actions created the life inside me and how it was probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life when I have it removed."
"I didn't know how far along I was. It wasn't until they had me in that gown and on the exam table that I burst into tears."
"Because how could I create a life then kill it because it's father ordered me too. Who was I? I wasn't me any more. I haven't been me since my fathers' passed."
"I haven't been the me that was raised to be strong and proud of who I am. The me that no matter what was thrown at me I stood my ground against. The me that was born into abuse but beat the odds stacked against me when I finally spoke and touch another human being on my own accord. How my fathers wanted more for me than this..."
"I told the doctor that I couldn't go through with it. That I need to leave. They let me change and I left the clinic. I went back to the parking lot looking for Brody's car but it wasn't there. He wasn't there..
"I don't know why but I went looking for him the next day. He was with his group of friends and I could tell they knew I was pregnant. They all gave me the cold shoulder."
"I asked: 'Can I speak to you in private?
He looked at me and said: 'No'.
I said: 'Please Brody, it would only take a minute'.
He said: 'Don't you understand English? I said no now get lost.'
"I don't know what I was thinking when I said: 'You never loved me, did you?'
All of them laughed. Brody stood up and got in my face and said: 'When the hell did you ever hear me tell you I love you? Hmm? Do you know why I only ever fucked you from behind? It's because I didn't have to look at your dog face while you panted like one. In case you didn't get the memo idiot, I was never your boyfriend. I never liked you. We never 'made love' I only fucked you because you were fresh meat. A virgin! No one will ever want some one as pig faced and annoying as you so why don't you listen like a good bitch and leave loser!'
"Rachel.." Quinn whimpered as all the horrible degrading things she's ever said and done to the brunette hit her hard. How that disgusting boy treated the brunette in her arms. How Rachel's own mother treated her. Quinn doesn't even know what to say all she can do is cry and pull the brunette tighter against her.
"I cried and they laughed. They mocked me as I ran away. I went home a mess. I was alone and terrified. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't until I received a text message from my sister, did I feel some form of comfort."
"I had been ignoring her calls and text messages for a while. I would only answer once in a blue with two word answers like 'I'm alive' or 'stop calling'."
"She was away at college in New Jersey. I bought a ticket and showed up unannounced. I told her everything. We talked for hours, it was the first time I ever truly opened up to her."
"I stood with her through out the weekend. She called Aggie and came back home to Lima with me. We all sat down and talked some more. I told them about my alcohol and drug abuse. They took me to a doctor and I found out I was 2 and half months pregnant."
"I started having withdrawal symptoms from using and was put in rehab and was also put in therapy. My sister transferred from Princeton to OSU even though I begged her not to ruin her college career over me, that I'm not worth anything."
"She looked me right in the eye and said: 'You're worth everything'. Our relationship grew stronger and Aggie became even more of a permanent fixture in my house. Because the bigger I got the harder it was for me to move around."
"My sister would come every weekend to visit and help out. I didn't want to know the sex of the baby. I already struggled with how I was feeling because I was carrying his baby. I didn't know how I'd react because my emotions were constantly every where but the day I gave birth Quinn.."
"The day my son was placed in my arms.." Rchel said and the awe in her tone spoke volumes. "I never knew that kind of love existed. That instantaneous feeling of the unconditional connection between a mother and child. It's incredible."
"All those months of watching my belly grow and seeing and feeling him move within me could not prepare me for what it felt like to hold him for the first time. It was in that moment that I promised him that I would never ever let anyone or anything hurt him. No one would ever take him from me. I cried like I never cried before."
"Because I was so unbelievable happy but so fucking terrified. Because I had this fear that Brody would find out some how and try and take him from me. Hurt him in some way."
"I started having panic attacks because I suffered a lot of abuse at his hands and it bled over into everything in my life. I started becoming uneasy with touch again and having nightmares of the abuse he put me through. I'd have an episode and become unresponsive."
"Aggie moved in with me for a few months until I started showing signs that I was getting better. When my therapist finally broke through the barrier and got me to understand that he wasn't there. That he wasn't coming for us. That I was safe. I felt like I could finally breathe."
"I still had issues to deal with because he broke me so severely I didn't know how to cope. I still dated after hence Finn, Jesse and Puck and I was still clingy and lonely and desperate but over time I got better and just like Brody, I let them and all the drama that came with them go."
"Thankfully I hadn't heard from Brody since that day he humiliated me which further proved the therapist right. I've been so lucky.."
"Until today that is. I had Beth with us and I didn't want to accidentally run into someone and they see me with them so I drove a town over. I was shopping for our groceries and I ran into Christina.."
"She started talking about the babies than she said Brody's name and I.. I don't know I felt fear and paranoia hit me. I felt his eyes on me like he was watching me again."
"I got out of there as fast as I could but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was coming for me. For Jaxon and I'm so sorry Quinn! I'm so sorry!" Rachel said as she burst into tears again.
"Shh-Shh! No, Rachel don't be sorry! You didn't do anything wrong. You're okay. They're okay. No one's going to hurt any of you. I promise!" Quinn cried with her.
They were still laid on the couch and clinging to each other as if they would be retched from one another if they even so much a released there grip just a bit. Rachel sobbed uncontrollably in Quinn's arms needing the contact.
Quinn felt anger and hatred for Brody. She despised him. She wanted to murder him. If she ever came across him she vowed to beat the shit out of him.
How could he? How could he treat Rachel that way? How could anyone? Then she remembers herself and what she had done to the poor girl in her arms.
She has never hated herself more than she does in that moment. She wishes she could take it back. She wishes she could rewind time and redo it all but she can't. All she can do is be there for the brunette.
"I'm here Rachel. You're not alone. I'm right here and I always will be.."
