Peculiar Oddities: Chapter 3

Hermione had been in heaven; she loved being kissed. In fact, the only reason she had wrenched her lips away was because her face was turning blue. She also opened her eyes, and immediately wished she didn't. For in front of her, or rather, on top of her, was a large, fat, naked man, who looked more like a giant blob of chewing gum than her boyfriend. She tried to push him away from her, but couldn't find a place to grip.

So she squealed, "Oh god." Then she realised that her voice sounded deep, gravely, and certainly not the one she wanted. "Oh god," she muttered again, looking down at her once-firm boobs. A thoughtful expression flitted over her features for a moment, as she mumbled, "At least they'll fill a C Cup now."

It was then that Ron opened his eyes, having grown tired of waiting for her lips to return to his. One could see pain in his eyes. Denial set in. "I am not gay!" he firmly proclaimed. "It's a dream! I do most definitely not have sex with fat chicks, let alone men. Lord, I've seen blubber whales with less fat. I mean, what – whoa!" He stopped in his tracks, reconsidering his stance on the whole situation. "Nice boobs."

Hermione was annoyed, although secretly pleased with his last comment. "Look at yourself."

Ron did so, and screamed, "Aahh!" He was shocked at his new appearance; he was just so fat. He then hesitantly peered at his pelvic region, and his face began to pale quickly. "Where… did it go?" he whimpered quietly.

"Your what?" There was pain in her eyes too.

"My… precious."

She raised her eyebrows. Ron was preoccupied.

He was still looking down, rummaging through his barrels of stomach and waist fat. He pouted to himself fearfully, "What - what happened to… little Ronnie?"

Meanwhile, in a milk-bar far, far away, two boys, an angry door and a sentient muffin were pondering the events of the day; well, the muffin wasn't – it had returned to giggling uncontrollably.

Harry Potter was feeling quite out of place. Being as unique as he was, his days were usually out of the ordinary, but today surpassed any other. Constant attempts on his life were one thing; travelling across the world via muffin was an entirely different experience. He also wasn't sure what to think of the other boy's intimate knowledge of his sex life. The statement about the squid shook him especially. He didn't like discrimination and was all for inter-racial relationships, but inter-species? No, the idea of him and a squid made him shudder slightly.

The glass door was annoyed because it was bored. And it was bored because it wasn't angry. Therefore it was annoyed because it wasn't angry. It thoroughly agreed that being angry was a hell of a lot of fun, and since it wasn't angry, it was not having fun. So it was currently resorting to performing long division in its head. Figuratively of course; doors don't have heads, idiot.

Simon, on the other hand, was simply waiting for something sexy to happen.

It was perhaps a true testament to the strangeness of the situation that no-one questioned what a floating, laughing, talking and mocking muffin was doing there. In fact, Simon still hadn't wondered how a door knocked him in the head.

Harry, wishing to curb his exponentially increasing number of questions, asked the muffin eloquently, "What are you?"

The object in question immediately stopped laughing, and turned to the boy, offended. "What am I? Argh! I do everything I can to act human; I'm laughing at you, talking to you, and even being angry at you! Look, note my furrowed brow." Strange gestures followed.

Harry didn't notice anything, but nodded all the same. He was feeling guilty, and this guilt was magnified when some part inside of him called him an idiot for being made to feel guilty by a muffin.

The muffin continued, "Yet you still treat me as an object. What do I have to do? Liberate all the muffins on the planet? Or perhaps turn them all into hot models and march on parliament? Will you recognise me as human then?"

Simon chose to ignore the irony and nodded vigorously, unable to keep a spaced out, blissful smile off his face. Both the muffin and Harry were looking at him oddly.

Harry recovered first. "Sorry, er… sir? Please tell me who you are, and why you brought me here. Heck, tell me where we are."

The muffin sighed. "It is a tragic tale. In 1877, a cricketing tournament between Australia and England was born. It was called 'The Ashes'. It was an even competition, avidly supported by both countries. But in 1988, the Powers That Be made an interesting bet."

Both Harry and Simon were wondering where this was going.

"You see, Zeus and Loki always had a certain… rivalry between them. They argued and fought over everything."

Harry was still perplexed, while Simon was disappointed at his sudden realisation that the muffin might have been joking about the hot models. Since when do muffins joke? He thought bitterly.

"Everything; they competed for women, money, power, and even kitchen utensils." - The muffin grimaced slightly. "They even," it dropped its voice to a whisper, "thought about… doing stuff with animals!"

Simon shot Harry, who was looking uneasy, a wry grin.

The muffin continued, "Yes, you see, you humans have always thought the gods to be serious and bland, but it couldn't be further from the truth, really. They're quite childish. Anyway, in 1988, perhaps in one of their more innocent bets, Zeus was so sure that he could fit more marshmallows in his mouth than Loki, that he agreed to curse the English cricket team, who he supported avidly, if he lost the challenge."

The boys were at this moment thankful that they were atheists – until they realised that they had just believed a story about the gods, who they didn't believe in. Life was weird like that sometimes.

"Zeus was in front, but he was disqualified when he burst out laughing at his opponent's unfortunate accident involving a razor-sharp hairbrush, and couldn't hold in the marshmallows. And thus, the English cricket team have never won an Ashes Series from that day."

Harry quipped back proudly, "Except 2005?"

The muffin responded with a hint of amusement. Its eyes were twinkling. "Loki was drunk, completely smashed; the curse was broken because the enforcer of the pact was considered mentally unstable at the time. Fortunately for some, that incident has broken the curse."

Harry was feeling slightly humbled. "You mean we won because that god was drunk?"

"Yep," the muffin replied smugly.

The boy was thoughtful, searching for a way to defend his country's team. "You know… this whole thing, this curse business, seems highly immoral."

Simon was sick of his silence. He grumbled, making sure he could be heard, "This coming from the guy who had non consensual intercourse with a yet to be discovered species of sea animal?"

The reply was shouted back, "It was consensual!"

Both the muffin and Simon raised their respective brows. "I thought you said you didn't remember?"

Harry was feeling cornered now. "Well, I still don't. I don't think I'm the 'giant squid type', much less the 'rape giant squid type'."

Realising that he had perhaps contradicted himself, he mumbled, "Bugger."

The muffin couldn't resist, and smirked. "That was how it all started."

END CHAPTER 3