Chapter 289: Making Friends and Irritating People

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"Before I start," said Mar, cautiously, "you should know what background I'm coming from." She sat down. "In terms of my background, I mean. To begin with, at no point in my life have I been 'well versed' in theology or theological debates. I was a schoolteacher when I was alive, and I have now acquired the title of 'Tutor' as guardian of the Wonder Door. My main focus is and has been science and mathematics."

"As I've said, we are very interested in a layperson's—"

"I should also state that it is only my great and abiding love for learning that is keeping me in a room where most of the people think I'm either a demon or a hoax. Which I am not."

There were a few people who looked startled at this statement and even fewer who looked guilty.

"Now," said Mar. "I should also make it clear that in life, I was a Roman Catholic, and that is the lens through which I experience these things."

"Do you mean you aren't still a Roman Catholic?"

Mar allowed herself a small smile. "I wouldn't consider myself one, no. Large-scale, truly organized religion is… difficult, in the Infinite Realms. Access to Rome and the living Pope is also a problem. Although, there are certainly those who do consider themselves to still be members of the religions they were part of in life. I'll get back to that in a moment.

"I am currently a member of both the Rationalist Catholic and the Church of Peer Review sects, both of which follow the doctrine of non-exclusion."

"You belong to two religions?"

"It's common," said Mar. "Hence the doctrine of non-exclusion." She raised a finger. "Churches that follow the doctrine of non-exclusion agree that adherents can have multiple religions. That is, they do not exclude new members on the basis of prior religious affiliation or eject older members if they acquire a new religion. It sprouted from necessity. Most churches have a very limited reach. If I were to move my usual residence from Method to, say, the High Houses of the Outer Sphere, it would be very difficult for me access any Church of Peer Review. In fact, I would probably be the only adherent of the Church of Peer Review in that Realm. Churches that follow the doctrine of non-exclusion acknowledge that the importance of ministering to a person's spiritual well-being far exceeds that of the minutiae of other doctrinal differences." Mar cleared her throat. "But that's just my personal situation. I believe you are interested in getting a more general picture."

"Your 'own situation,' as you put it, raises many questions, but, yes, that is our goal for today."

"No, no," said one of the other people. "You can't just—You have people leaving and joining all randomly, and no one sees any issue with that?" He turned to the others. "This is just another of the enemy's illusions. A temptation to lure us off the path."

"None of us are on quite the same path you are," said one of the few women in the room.

The man made a face, then swept out.

"Well," said Mar, "if he's that offended by something so simple, I don't think he could handle the rest." Things regarding religion got complicated fast in the Infinite Realms – not that she thought it was any better on Earth. It likely only seemed simpler because she paid it even less attention at the time.

"Please, continue. The rest of us aren't about to run out."

"So you say. It is my understanding that religions in the Realms can be divided into two broad categories. Religions that began in the Realms themselves, and religions that started here, on the material plane, and were transplanted." It was also Mar's understanding that those categories bled into one another and were confused on a regular basis, and that some were old enough that no one knew where they started. "The former are as varied as one might expect, although animism is very popular, and most involve the Core in some way. Several of my neighbors worship the concept of science itself, for example. Many powerful ghosts or locations also have their own cults."

"And the transplants?"

"Well," said Mar, leaning back but not letting down her guard. She knew a bit more about those. "You have religions that come through largely unchanged. Religions that stay mostly the same, but have to add something to explain the afterlife not being as expected, religions that go through some kind of schism, religions that get a new version established… It's difficult, you see, to deal with the existence of ghosts, of an unexpected afterlife, and even more difficult when you have a bunch of people with superpowers running around using the names of gods. It's hard to tell, sometimes, if a ghost inspired a myth, if they're using a myth, if they were mistaken for a myth, or if they were created by belief in the myth – or even some combination of that. They call it the godhood problem, or the apotheosis problem. Take Lady Pandora for example. She used to go down to India sometimes, and they'd call her Kali – but she's very clear that she is not the goddess Kali.

"That's actually the way the Rationalist movement came about. St. Thomas the Rationalist sought out and exposed one hundred and sixty-six pretenders to the throne of God. Well, that's only part of what he did. He also wrote the Gospel of Thomas, built the Temple of Doubt, and co-founded the School of Empirical Theology."

"St. Thomas – Do you mean St. Thomas the Apostle?"

"No one is actually sure about that, actually," said Mar. "He was famously tight-lipped about things he couldn't get evidence for. Only became a public figure in, oh, the sixth century or so? Had bad blood with Pope Gelasius I. Apparently, they got into a fight."

"What?"

"Oh, right, you don't know about the dead popes. There are at least twenty of them. There's a reason I didn't stay Roman Catholic, you know." She tilted her head, surveying the largely Christian crowd, and, feeling rather vindictive, asked, "Are you sure you want to continue this today? I haven't even mentioned the extensive evidence of special-case reincarnation. The religious interpretations of that are, of course, up in the air, but I understand it's very exciting for Hindus and Buddhists."

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"Did you have to do that?" asked Dmitri.

"No," said Mar, taking the steps two at a time (she didn't need to walk down them, flying was still an option, but she was enjoying the consistent gravity), "but it was funny, wasn't it?"

"I guess," said Dmitri. "There sure are a lot of religions out there, aren't there?"

"As many as there are cultures," said Mar. "Maybe more." She tasted the emotion on the air and tilted her head. "Would you like to hear more?"

"Okay," said Dmitri. "Sure."

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A group of nature spirits examined the sprout. One of them reached out and ran fingers over a long slender leaf.

"I've never actually seen aglaophotis before," she said.

"I have," said Delphinium. "They are rather like peonies when they bloom. This isn't quite the same."

"It wouldn't be, though, would it?" asked Chrysopeleia. "It's genetically engineered or whatever." She glanced over at one side of the room.

Actually, a lot of the people here kept doing that. Danny couldn't figure out why. It wasn't setting off his ghost sense… or any sense, really. Maybe it was a full ghost thing? Well, no, Damien was doing it, too, so that probably wasn't it.

"Eh," said a scientist. "Not really. It's a ghost plant after all. Not necessarily all that much DNA to work with."

"If it was," piped up another, "we wouldn't have been able to make a working hybrid so fast. Germination takes time. Not to mention actually getting the DNA right."

"Ghost powers," said the first scientist. "I bet between all of us we could make genetically engineered plants on the fly."

"Ooh, is that an invitation to collaborate?"

"Well, I think we'll at least get a paper out of this endeavor, and we work so well together."

Danny watched the scientist ghosts flirt with mild amusement. Seemed familiar, somehow… Well. Anyway.

"Do you think you can do it?" he asked the dryads.

"Oh, sure," said Chrysopeleia. "It won't be easy. Aglaophotis wouldn't be dying out if it was easy to cultivate."

"This does seem to be easier, however," said Delphinium.

"I agree," said the third dryad. "I don't know how much we'll be able to actually make, though…"

"Anything helps," said Danny. "For right now, though, we'd just like to have enough to dose two or so people."

"Why two?" asked Delphinium.

"We need to give it to someone who can consent first," said Danny. "Since it's experimental and all."

Everyone who had been even slightly looking away slowly turned their heads to stare at Danny.

"Don't worry," said Clockwork, "he will not be the one testing it."

"What?" said Danny. The looks turned into frowns. "But… who's going to do it, then?"

"I will," said Clockwork.

"I think that's an even worse idea," said Danny. "You're the Master of Time."

"And you are the King of the Infinite Realms."

"I side with Clockwork on this one," said Damien. "I should be the one to test it."

"Absolutely not!" thundered Fright Knight, abandoning his post by the library door. "I will test it!"

This turned into an enthusiastic argument, becoming even more enthusiastic when the scientists, who wanted to test the fruits of their own research, jumped in.

Danny… Well, he would have argued. There just didn't seem to be much of a point when everyone would have just ganged up on him. After a few minutes, Damien was also ejected from the argument and slunk over to where Danny was standing to sulk.

"Yeah," said Danny, "I don't think we'll ever win an argument with Grandfather."

"I think you might be right. He's vicious."

"Not really."

"Not really, but he can sure argue."

"He can, though. Unless it's with Aunt Nephthys."

"Mhm. Do you think he would be okay with me calling him Grandfather, too?"

"Probably," said Danny. "Weird implication about his relationship with Fright Knight, though."

"Hm. Yeah," said Damien.

The door to the library opened.

"Hey, losers," said Dan. "I need you to come do something."

"And that's how you ask?" asked Danny.

"What's in it for us?" asked Damien.

Danny looked over at him. "Where'd that come from?"

"Fright Knight's been teaching me about coercion and how it can cause fear," said Damien, brightly. "Is it working?"

"No. You're a twig in a bucket. What's wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to want to help people?"

There was the magic word.

"I guess we can at least go see what he wants," said Danny.

They stopped just outside the door. Johnny was there, Shadow pooling under his feet.

"Yo!" he said. "So, the midgets hanging with us today?"

"He showed back up," said Dan through gritted teeth, "and he won't go away."

"That's not true, man," said Johnny. "I've only been here for an hour."

"And the day before, he was here, too!" snarled Dan. "He keeps coming back!"

"What can I say," said Johnny, pulling a box from inside his jacket, "you're a cool guy to hang out with. Smoke?"

"Wow," said Danny, "you sure like playing with fire, don't you?"

"I don't know if I'd call lighting a cigarette playing with fire." He flicked a lighter from his sleeve. "Besides, if he was going to kill me, he'd have done it when Shadow messed up his portals."

"Something I regret, even now," said Dan.

"So," said Danny, "I'm not sure what you want us to help you with, here."

"Get rid of him!" hissed Dan, gesturing at Johnny.

Danny and Damien turned twin expressions of disgust on Dan.

"Not like that! Isn't it your job, Phantom, to make unwanted ghosts go away and stop annoying people?"

Danny looked between Johnny and Dan. Johnny took the opportunity to light his cigarette and smirk at them in what was, admittedly, a pretty annoying way.

"I'm pretty sure smoking is banned in here," said Damien.

"What? It's not like it's going to kill me," said Johnny, with a grin. "Or anyone else here. Plus, check out this guy's luscious locks."

"We're next to a library," said Damien.

Johnny froze, then forcibly relaxed. "Yeah, but, it's, like, a legal library."

"That doesn't mean it doesn't have a librarian," said Danny, because, yes, the librarian wouldn't be pleased about real fire near some of her older, rarer, volumes. "Or former asthmatics."

For a second, Danny thought Johnny was going to flee. Then he shrugged and ate his cigarette, whole.

Damien visibly blanched.

"The things I do for the sake of hanging out with my main man."

"I am not your main anything!"

"My main man," repeated Johnny.

"You must have other… men. Go bother them."

"Nah. Skulkie and Em are having date night, and they said they'd throw me into the Carnivorous Canyon if me'n Kitty crashed it again."

"I'll throw you into the Carnivorous Canyon!"

Danny was starting to get the idea that Johnny's bad luck was self-sustaining. That is, that Johnny caused most of his own bad luck. Possibly on purpose.

"Don't you have a body-snatching hellcat girlfriend to get back to."

"Yeah, I was just hanging with Kitty a couple hours back, but she's very supportive of me hanging out with my guy friends."

Danny clapped his hands together. "Well," he said, "I think this is officially none of our business. Dan, I'm so proud of you for making a friend, even if he's Jazz's ex."

From the expression on Dan's face, he either hadn't realized that, or had been trying hard not to think about it.

"Don't you dare leave me here with him."

"We need to get some bonding activities going. How about chicken?" asked Johnny. "I'm a champion at chicken."

Seeing as he was currently playing chicken with the end of Dan's patience, Danny could believe that.

Then again, Johnny did still exist. So.

Danny caught Dan's face twitching, but not, Danny thought, with hatred. Danny let a mischievous smile cross his face.

"Don't worry, Dan. What's the worst he can do to you?"

"Shouldn't you two be more worried about what I'm going to do to him?"

Danny surveyed Johnny, who was still entirely intact.

"Not really."

"We can take your little bros, too, if you want."

"Cousins," said Damien.

Johnny eyed him. "Are you sure about that?"

"We're working our way up," said Damien. Danny shrugged, still not wanting to quantify or qualify his relationship with Dan.

"We've got stuff to do," said Danny, "so that's going to be a no from us. But you guys have fun. Go see a movie or something."

"Murder," hissed Dan.

"You wouldn't," said Danny.

"I did," said Dan.

"Just because you did something once," said Damien, "doesn't mean you'll do it again. I'm never going to eat mushrooms again, for example."

"Maybe they'll grow on you," said Danny.

"Not unless it's literal," said Damien. "I don't see you chowing down on toast."

"… touché,"

"So, like I said, never."

"Never is an awfully long time," said Clockwork, exiting the library. "Daniil, I'm very glad to see you've made a friend."

"He is not my friend."

"Hey, full disclosure, are you one of those guys who has to square up before he'll consider anyone a friend? I know mini-you here is."

"Uh," said Danny, "no I am not."

"Like, all your friends fought you though?"

"That's a coincidence."

"If you say so."

Dan, to the surprise of everyone, laughed. It was a short, harsh thing, but it had happened.

"See?" crowed Johnny. "You love me."

The moment was over. Dan hunched his shoulders, looking downright hunted.

"No," he said.