introspective Yuki x Shuichi
Notes: First-person Yuki is scary as hell to write. This is my first piece in the Gravitation fandom, so any suggestions on characterisation (or anything at all, for that matter) would be greatly appreciated. It is also written in anime canon only; I've only read four chapters of the manga, and I don't know how different it is, so I feel that I must add a note here.
Jessie, this is for you.
--
You –
Are a mystery to me. Everything about you; the yellow-and-orange coat, the collar necklace, the vinyl (what the hell are you thinking? Do you even know what 'gaudy' means?) and the sound of your voice trailing behind me every time I try to walk away.
If someone asked me who you were, I wouldn't know what to say (though 'annoying' and 'persistent' come to mind). Your name, maybe, but behind that label, who are you?
You are the person who proclaimed your love for me (and for the entire world to hear, no less) without even knowing who I was. Or maybe, you did. Regardless of how spasmodic and air-headed you make yourself out to be, maybe there's something under there that allows you to see a person's core (their animus or their spiritus; I don't really care) at first glance. You, who leaves everything upfront for the world to see, are the one person that keeps me guessing.
Even when it's painfully obvious that there are no 'hidden chasms' or 'enigmatic rifts' beneath your smile (and your tears – you seriously need to start carrying a handkerchief around. I don't know why you haven't started yet.) I can't keep myself from wondering:
Are there?
(Then there are the times when I'm totally convinced that there aren't – that time you fell off the baby swing at the park and started bawling, saying the only thing that would cure your hurt was a kiss from your 'shining knight', for instance.)
You even tell me up front, you want to be with me, you love me, no matter what. So why is it that I keep searching for another reason? A motive for your actions. You've started a circle of cause and effect, without the cause and twice the effect.
I've never believed in love at first sight, despite what you read in my novels (can you read?). But there is a foolish, dreamer part of me that has never ruled out love at second sight. Or third. Or fourth.
If you take the cusp of a painful dream – perfectly balanced and poised to kill – and shove it in your self, it doesn't hurt. That's what they say.
That's wrong. It's painful, loving you. And leading you on like I have, I'm the epitome of a fool who would drive a dagger into his own heart. So, why? sister mine and Seguchi (the idiot; he should know) have asked.
Finally, I think I know who you are.
You are the first person who didn't make me love you.
fin
