Disclaimer: All Bleach characters belong to Kubo Tite.
Rukia: My Life As A Rabbit
Chapter Twelve –The Infinite Rabbit Theorem
Rukia: Ichigo thinks that we should runaway and join the circus. After all, I can perform astounding feats as a rabbit.
The door to the consulting room slammed open so hard it bounced off the wall with a resounding bang. The doctor and his two elderly patients jumped in surprise. They stared at the boy who had burst into the room like a whirlwind.
Ichigo's yelled with a note of urgency in his voice, "Dad!"
Kurosaki Isshin took in the panicked state of his son and rapidly said, "Are the girls hurt?"
"No! Yuzu and Karin are just fine!"
"Did the toilet upstairs backup again?" he asked, grimacing slightly.
"No! That's not it!" Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Dad, can I borrow your laptop? I need you to tell me where it is!"
The doctor raised his eyebrows while his patients exchanged a laugh. The elderly patient leaning on a cane chuckled. "Ah, the young are so exuberant!"
Ichigo recognized the two senior citizens in the clinic. According to a highly entertained Karin, the two old geezers were in a running competition to see who could suffer from the highest number of ailments while remaining inches from being declared clinically dead.
The myriad of disorders they brought hobbling into the clinic for their monthly checkups spoke of both creativity and imagination run amok. Either that –or extraordinary paranoia.
The last he heard, old man Takasugi was leading with prolonged coughing, fatigue, and arthritis of the joints. Ichigo glanced at Katsura jii-san who was giving the occasional moan of pain from the medic bed. Looks like grandpa Katsura was determined to even the score this month.
Kurosaki Isshin finally said, "From the way you act, I thought the house was on fire! What do you need the laptop for anyway?"
Ichigo tried to quell his impatience. "The rabbit can't hold a pen to write with her paws, but I thought she'd be able to type on the keyboard."
Then, to the boy's relief, he spotted the laptop on the table. He dashed forward and snatched it up. "Just lend this to me for a moment!"
Before the doctor could say another word, his son had zoomed out of the clinic. Kurosaki Isshin blinked rapidly, his lips moving soundlessly as he repeated Ichigo's words to himself.
Katsura said delicately, "I've heard of how smart animals can be, sensei. Dogs using telephones to call for help when the owner has a heart attack. Saw it myself on educational TV."
Takasugi nodded amiably. "Aa. And monkeys can type the complete works of William Shakespeare. Perhaps your son's rabbit can do the Tale of Genji by our Murasaki Shikibu?"
Katsura snorted. "Taka-san, has that Alzheimer-ridden brain of yours finally malfunctioned? What nonsense is that?"
"Look who's talking, old man. I'm not the one with insomnia and incessant migraine!"
Kurosaki Isshin stared wordlessly at his arguing patients. Outside, Karin rolled her eyes. She knew what the neighbours were going to say when this got out. "The Kurosaki's –the father is eccentric, but the son is even weirder!"
oooOooo
Urahara at fault. Product malfunction.
Ichigo gawked at the words clumsily keyed in across the Samsung notebook's screen. The boy put his head in his hands and said, "I'm really going mad. This is ridiculous."
His delusional mind had turned Rukia into a rabbit. He was going to be declared a certified nutcase, and then, they would take him away and lock him up with the looney tunes.
Rukia flicked her ears in annoyance. Hello, Ichigo! Could you snap out of your own personal tragedy and lend me a hand with mine?
Ichigo frowned and gave her a suspicious look. "Wait a minute. How do I know you're really Rukia? Maybe this is some bizarre trap cooked up the enemy, or you're just some fabrication of my mind." The furrow between his eyebrows deepened as he squinted at her. "Kami-sama, my head can really come up with fantastically convincing hallucinations."
You want me to prove it? Fine. Rukia delicately placed her paws on the keys again.
In the second drawer next to your desk, I found a scrapbook of –
The teen snatched her up and held her away from the laptop, red faced. "Hey, I thought I bribed you to forget about that!"
Rukia held her white bob-tail up haughtily. You asked for it!
oooOooo
Ichigo mused, "There must be something the healers in Soul Society can do. But, contacting the Fourth Division for help means your brother will definitely find out about this."
The boy winced as he thought of the worse-case scenario occurring. The rabbit laid back her ears unhappily. Ichigo reached out automatically to give the rabbit a calming pet, but his fingers froze before he reached Rukia's fur. He realized how inappropriate it was now. Ichigo quickly snatched his hand back.
Rukia knew everyone held her older brother as the paragon of a nobleman. In the centuries of his lifetime, his perfect track record had been marred only by two incidents. The first being his marriage to her sister –a mere commoner in the eyes of the aristocratic families. The second –Rukia's adoption into the Kuchiki household.
And now, if he should ever discover that he is related to a 'rabbit' by adoption –it will be the final straw!
Ichigo contemplated Kuchiki Byakuya's icy rage and the Senbonzakura. The boy groaned. "He'll definitely blame me for this!"
He ruffled his spiky hair anxiously and cracked a wry grin. "You know, we could runaway and join the circus –World's Smartest Performing Rabbit. I bet even Animal Planet would want to make a documentary about you."
Before Rukia could give her opinion about his idea of her performing circus tricks and jumping through flaming hoops –something whizzed in from the open window, sending the curtains flying.
The sudden interference zipped under Ichigo's nose, just barely missing him by a hairsbreadth and ended its trajectory with a twanging thump on the futon closet door across the room.
Ichigo stared wide-eyed at the long bamboo arrow shaft quivering in its unauthorized target. He twitched the corner of his curtain open and tried to see if could spot any medieval sniper hiding out on his neighbour's rooftop.
Freakin' Hollows from Hueco Mundo! Which joker was taking potshots at him with antiquated weaponry?
He stomped over to the nearly fatal projectile and squinted at it. The fletching at the end sported half-feathers. The damned thing should be on display in a national treasure museum –not smartly imbedded to his closet!
Ichigo hadn't planned on inspecting it –he actually felt like snapping it into tiny little pieces. But before he could proceed to act on that whim, he saw the inconspicuous note tied onto the bamboo shaft.
Ichigo undid the string, snatched it up and read the short message addressed to him. Nobody should blame him for totally losing his temper, he thought. There was no reason at all why he should be understanding about someone aiming an obsolete weapon (at him) into his room.
The boy stuffed the note into his pocket and grabbed a very surprised Rukia up into his arms. Ichigo dashed out of the room again, carrying the rabbit with him.
"Urahara-san is back."
oooOooo
Ichigo gave the wooden sliding door a short rap with his knuckles and pulled it open with a loud rasping sound. Urahara Kisuke was already waiting for him inside. The brim of the shopkeeper's striped hat half-shadowed his eyes, but Ichigo could clearly see the familiar mischievous smile on his lips.
"Irrashai, Kurosaki-san. Have you come to see me about some business?"
Ichigo kicked off his shoes at the genkan and stepped up from the entryway. He hadn't come for business at all. He imagined that a lawsuit would be closer to home.
Author's Note: Have I misled you into thinking that Isshin would actually do something more than lend his laptop out? My apologies! ;)
There really is an infinite monkey theorem which states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite time will almost surely eventually type the collected works of William Shakespeare, if not every single piece of writing that has ever, and will ever be written. (Ref. Wikipedia)
Irrashai (Welcome), Genkan (Area used to remove shoes)
cokeboi –Ichigo probably got a bigger shock from nearly having his nose shish kebab-ed by Urahara's arrow.
ShinigamiLenne –Forgive me for making our hero a real baka in this story. He's no Sherlock Holmes here. ;)
Umi Kanshisha – "But if she's not with you, then . . ." (insert dawning horror.) –laughs!- I'm working on the meeting with Urahara. Ichigo would probably tease Rukia more if there wasn't tiny part of him which is really afraid of the consequences to pay for if Kuchiki Byakuya finds out about this.
Tanuuki –I'll be working hard to keep it interesting 'til the very end.
Ahria –I'm glad he's figuring it out too. I can finally let the caged plot bunnies out.
rukiaprincess –I'm really happy you enjoyed that chapter. I hope I can live up to your expectations. You can be sure I'll try my best!
Procrastinator-starting2moro –No need to apologize for that! I should really thank you for taking the time so often to let me know what you think after the chapter! And now you know just 'how much help' Isshin was to the situation. ;)
Lostraius –All the bad-ass is credited to the Maestro Kubo Tite for his wonderful characters! And yes, I have a pet rabbit who is probably in Soul Society now. Rabbit Rukia's characteristics come from her. ;)
inugrlluvsanime –I'm glad you enjoyed it. And hey, it's really okay. I'm just happy that you're still with me all the way up to now.
grandmaster p –Urahara has appeared to taunt Ichigo for more reactions. Keeping up the Ichigo-baiting!
