A Dangerous Game
Sirius broke away from Remus, newly purposeful after his moment of weakness and the cataclysmic news. "Let's start drafting new schedules. We can't let Voldemort find us in a moment of weakness. We must be strong." He laughed in his head, I've heard that zombies have superhuman strength. Merlin, I'm tired.
Remus sighed, knowing that he was right. He headed towards the parchment drawer, resigned to more scheduling before he could finally slide between sheets. Turning to Sirius, he said, "I'll start, you get James and Lily in the fire to tell them. They won't have heard about the attack yet."
Sirius walked over to the fire and grabbed a handful of Floo powder from the cup at the fireside. Throwing it in he called out, "Godric's hollow!" and ducked his head into the hissing emerald flames.
Every time he did this, Remus winced. He hated fire, and never really trusted in the enchantment to keep him from burning. He supposed it stemmed from that time that Peter had accidentally set his robes aflame in Potions in their third year. He had been badly burned, and he still had to wear the robes, not being able to afford new ones. He glanced at Sirius ruefully, knowing that he would have bought him a wardrobe of robes. Damn my foolish pride, he thought, picking up his quill.
Sirius knelt on a cushion at the hearth, there for this express purpose, and he felt his head spin out of control. It was always a rush to him, he loved Floo, the feeling of his head being a separate entity from his body. "James! Are you there?" he yelled as the Potter's living room slowly came into his vision, "Lily?"
A female voice called out, "Sirius?" After a moment she came down the stairs, her long white nightgown trailing on the floor and baby Harry in her arms. Seeing the expression on his face, she knelt to be at eye level. "What happened?"
"Get James, I want to tell you both together." Sirius said grimly.
"Is it really that bad?" She shifted Harry from one hip to the other, but he remained still, eyes closed.
"Yes, hurry Lily, it's important." He insisted, shaking the hair out of his eyes.
With a hasty "watch Harry," she ran from the room, leaving Harry lying peacefully on the carpet by the fire. "At least someone can get his sleep this morning," Sirius said, smiling at his godson. It was hard to believe that the fate of all mankind might rest on this tiny person. He was so defenseless, so innocent.
Little Harry rolled over, and looked into Sirius's eyes. Sirius felt his heart melt at their piercing green, before he was flooded with guilt. Who are we to ask you to protect us? Sirius remembered something his hated mother had often said to be as a child, "You are a Black. You have a destiny to uphold." She had meant his destiny to marry some appropriately Pureblooded witch and continue the family line, not defeat the most evil wizard in the world. But he too knew what it was to have an unwelcome destiny.
"Don't tell anyone, Harry," he said softly, "but I hope it's Neville. All I want you to be is my perfectly normal godson. Let someone else be the hero." Sirius looked up, as he heard thundering footsteps on the stairs.
"What is it, Sirius?" asked a tall man with messy black hair, as he strode into the room. "What happened?"
Sirius gave a deep sigh, resigning himself to being the messenger, always of unwelcome news these days. "Voldemort found the location of the McKinnon's house—"
"Someone must have told him." Lily whispered harshly, entering right behind James and picking up Harry as they both settled on the rug.
"That's what we think," said Sirius, "but listen. Death Eaters came there just a few hours ago, The McKinnons, The Prewetts, and Benjy Fenwick were there, " he stopped, taking a deep breath. "They were all dead when Dumbledore found them."
James rocked back on his heels, silent with shock, and Lily bit her lip. "Who would do this?" James asked the ceiling.
Sirius grimaced, "That's what we'd all like to know, isn't it?"
Lily stood up, "I hate this, I hate that I'm listing people in my head and wondering who of the people I love would want me to be dead," she took a deep breath. "Would want Harry to be dead."
"Isn't there something we can do, Padfoot?"
Sirius shook his head. "You know you can't leave this house. It's too risky."
James gave him a dark look, and Lily sighed. This was an old fight. James hated Sirius for having authority over him, for being the one trying to protect his family. Lily leaned back, this was going to last a while longer.
By the time Sirius pulled his head out of the Potter's fire it was around 9:00 am, the early fall sunlight was filtering through the Potter's permanently closed blinds. As he disappeared, Lily looked up at her husband who was kneeling beside her. She gently rocked Harry in her arms, holding him carefully, "James, they're dead. They wouldn't have even been targets if it wasn't for us." She spoke carefully, trying to keep the tears from her voice.
"Don't say that." James barked, grabbing Lily's shoulder. "They're fighting because they want to, not because we made them." His brown eyes met her green and they both automatically looked down at Harry, the perfect blend of his parents.
Lily turned away. "Hush, you'll scare him."
"He was born in a scary world," James stood up, raking his fingers through his hair, an ironic nod to his former flirtatiousness. He was deadly serious now, and pulled his wife to her feet. "Lily, you know that it isn't our fault. The only person to blame is Voldemort. He began this, we can only try to help and finish it." James nodded at his son, who he might be the only one able to do so.
Lily did not look placated, but then, had she ever after one of James's speeches? The memories came to him, of Hogwarts days. This could have been one of many conversations they'd had, about much less important matters. Teenagers take themselves seriously, but they do not know what worry really means. When you feel the weight of it in your bones.
Lily looked up at him through her eyelashes. "I know, but I'm so worried. What if the next person to die is Remus, or Sirius, or Peter?"
"It's the risk we all take."
"No!" Lily almost shouted, standing and putting Harry down in his playpen. He was awake now, but oddly quiet, not crying out. He was a grave baby, one who felt the gravity of the world he had been tossed into. Lily turned to her husband. "We aren't taking any risks, we're sitting here safe and bored while everyone is getting exhausted and…dying to protect us!"
"Don't you think I know?" James began angrily, and then his anger faded into a gentle hopelessness. He pulled his fiery young wife toward him, "I know."
She looked at him, eyes wet, "James, what if the spy is Remus, or Sirius, or Peter?"
"Don't even think of it, Lily. Trust them."
"How?" she asked simply, and he just shook his head. They held each other for a long time rocking back and forth.
Back at the Haven, Remus had warily taken his turn at the flames and was talking through the fire to Frank and Alice Longbottom.
"Remus, they died in a meeting to discuss shifts for protecting us!" Frank shouted at Lupin, crunching a piece of toast to crumbs in his hand.
"Frank, don't yell at him, it's obvious he's very tired," Alice glared at her husband and glanced at Remus's shaggy grey hair, so unusual in people their age, and his dark undereye circles, "We're sorry, it's just a very hard position to be in. We have no way to help ourselves. It's difficult to completely rely on others."
"Everything's hard these days, Alice," Remus sighed as he repositioned himself on the hearth. "It's awful for you, but until Voldemort is defeated, we can't rest."
"But all we are doing is resting! Remus, I was trained to fight crime, I'm an Auror, this is the time when I should be in my element. But instead I'm at home letting others fight my battle." Frank yelled, as Neville whimpered in the background.
Unlike Harry, Neville often cried, he was so clingy, he always wanted to be held, to be protected. Perhaps in his own way, he too knew the state of everything, but just did not wish to accept it.
Alice rose and went to get him from the bright yellow crib, as Remus began to speak again, "Frank, everyone is uptight now, but we have to keep going as if nothing happened. Voldemort is going to act soon, while he thinks we are weak, and we can't lose any more people. We'll have to go to the next step in security."
"What step is that?" Alice asked as she walked back up to the fire carrying Neville in her strong loving arms.
"The Fidelius Charm."
Frank grimaced at hearing the difficult charm, the last resort, "has it really come to that?"
"I'm afraid so, we will have to have two secret keepers, one for you, and one for the Potters. Do you have any requests?" Lupin asked blinking slowly. He knew that there was no way for sparks to fly in his eyes, but it was as if he could feel them. He hated fire.
"I don't know, anyone in the Order would be good, wouldn't they?" Alice looked at her friend and husband, unsure that anything was fine anymore.
"They should. At least we all hope so, but Dumbledore thinks that there may be a spy among us."
"A spy? I don't think so Remus, I'm sure whoever you decide will be fine." She seemed bemused, although her husband looked thoughtful, and you could almost see him ticking off the remaining Order members in his head.
"Ok. I'll check in with you later, to tell you who has volunteered, and don't be alarmed if the Order seems more active around your house tonight. We're trying out a new shift schedule." He inadvertently shuddered at the thought of all the additional guests that would be arriving. He had much to do before he could rest.
"Goodbye Remus," smiled Alice, at once sorry but slightly relieved to see him go. It's hard not to blame the messenger, at least subconsciously.
"Take care of yourself," Frank told him sternly, before Remus gratefully retreated back to Haven.
A/N: The feeling of helplessness is very important in this fic, and I am trying to get across without waxing too philosophical… although that is one of my favorite pastimes and probably unavoidable. I'd appreciate feedback! Thanks.
