Disclaimer: It's probably obvious, but I don't own any of the HSM characters or their related elements.
Written June 28, 2006
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Chapter 5 – The Sound of Silence
At work I buried myself in organizing next month's issue, confirming the production schedule, fielding phone calls and e-mails, and finally examining the finished pieces accumulating in my inbox. We had two weeks to deadline, but the way I was powering through now, we were well on track to finishing ahead of schedule. A few times, I saw Camille's curly head look up from her cubicle to steal a glance at me, and I felt secretly gleeful at how much I was getting done. But those were isolated moments.
For most of the day, I felt more like I was on autopilot, working mechanically on my tasks while my mind turned over and over at how serious this marriage thing really was. I had been thinking of it just as an abstract, distant excitement like a prom or a homecoming dance. But it wasn't just a lark—it was a deep and solemn commitment to live the rest of my life in concert with another person, forever.
Forever. The word echoed in my mind. I hadn't even held one job for longer than three years—how on earth did I agree to be part of something that would last the rest of my life? It had just been so wonderful in my bedroom that night, the hope and love in his eyes overwhelming—but now it felt like I had been foolishly romantic. We had never talked about our future together, never once discussed our hopes and our dreams for who we wanted to be and what we wanted to do… as we had finally found out last night.
And Troy… who was he really? I wanted to think about it clearly, but my mind seemed to keep sliding delicately past the subject, as if it was afraid to even broach the topic. Mentally I shook myself, forcing my mind to face it straight. Like Zeke, I needed to see Troy as he was… not as I wanted him to be.
Like… I'd never thought of him as a romantic, but last night showed he truly was. He wanted his own happy little family all bearing his own name… and he wanted it soon. And he was too soft in disposition, almost to a fault... too empathetic to anyone in need, and too willing to get deeply involved in other people's problems to make everything all right.
He didn't listen to me as well as I thought he did, like when he invited Sharpay to stay, right in front of me, without asking me first. And though he seemed so relaxed and easily confident, underneath it was just a strong sense of conviction that he was simply right about everything. When he told me to snap out of it last night, he said he knew me with such arrogant certainty, as if I was misbehaving like a small child who needed to be told.
And suddenly I felt as nervous and cold as I had yesterday, wondering why I had never thought of any of this before. The ring on my hand felt suddenly heavy, an unwanted symbol of my ability to make stupid decisions for myself.
Just then, Anna's head suddenly appeared over my cubicle wall.
"Hey," she said, grinning as she put her arms on the wall and looked down at me. "You've been awfully quiet today. Finally buckling down to work?"
I turned from my desk and smiled weakly. "Just trying to keep up with Camille."
Anna laughed. "Never, Gabi, will any of us catch up to that one." She stretched out her arms. "Man, I'm so tired. Went out on a shoot to one of these factories that makes bulletproof vests for the military. Some article Camille's working on about revolutionary new fabrics. Of course, the fabric's impossible to photograph well." She laughed. "I hate working for a tech magazine sometimes. Forces me to think creatively too often."
But I was suddenly staring at my computer, hardly listening to her. Anna snapped her fingers in front of me, a concerned look on her face.
"Hey," she said. "Is everything okay?"
It was difficult to speak. I didn't know how to start talking about this to anyone. "I'm okay," I said finally, unconvincing to even myself.
"Yeah?" she said, skeptical.
"It's just… cold in this area. It's numbing my conversation skills. Sorry."
She tapped the divider with her fingers, and for a moment it seemed like she was examining my face closely. "Well," she said finally, giving a shrug. "I know how that can feel. Some days I lose all ability to communicate properly with people. It's probably why I take photos." She laughed. "So I'll guess I'll leave you to it then. See you."
She waved and left, and I turned numbly back to powering through the articles, grateful for a distraction from my thoughts about Troy. Then suddenly, I felt somebody place something near my elbow. I turned to see a steaming cup of peppermint tea. And Anna stood beside my desk again, smiling at me.
"Just something to warm you up in your little corner," she said, squeezing my shoulder. I nodded, and tears suddenly pricked at my eyes at her kindness. I blinked hard, and saw her pause suddenly as she turned to walk away. "And Gabi… if you need to talk… you know where my office is."
I nodded again, and she waved happily and walked off. Maybe I should tell her everything, I thought. But I shook my head. Not just yet.
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I walked home after work instead of taking the bus, trying to delay going back to the apartment where I would have to see Troy. He had been avoiding me so far too: he had slept in the living room last night, and this morning, he had left earlier than I did. But when I got home late, he still wasn't there. I didn't know whether to feel good or bad about this. I sat down numbly on the couch for a minute, and then the phone rang.
I picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi, baby!" My mom's voice rang out warmly. "How are you doing?"
"Oh, good, good." My tone felt lifeless, but luckily, Mom was in a talkative mood and hardly noticed. I said barely two words while she told me all about the renovations Gary was making to the laundry room and the latest news about Albuquerque. They were having a heat wave at the moment, breaking all kinds of records left, right and center.
"And Gabi," she said, her voice dropping low. "I went to a seminar at Los Poblanos with the office. You know, that gorgeous bed and breakfast just outside the city." She giggled. "I asked about the rates for wedding receptions, and they're really quite reasonable. I know you wanted to have the wedding down here… so you should really come to see it the next time you're here."
Just then, the lock clicked open, and Troy came into the apartment. I looked up, and his eyes seemed heavy as he looked back at me.
"I don't know, Mom," I said, watching him put his bag down and wander through the kitchen, looking for a snack. "I'm … really not thinking about the wedding at the moment."
Troy didn't seem to react to the word wedding. On the other end of the line, my mom gave a dramatic gasp. "Well, Gabi, you should be. It's only a year from now. It takes a lot of planning. You need to have a schedule, a calendar, so you have everything in order by the big day. Get a good wedding planning book, they'll tell you how to do it."
"Yeah," I said. "Okay."
"Okay, baby." Suddenly she yelped. "Yikes, Gabi! I've got to go. Gary and I are going to the movies. So I'll talk to you soon, okay? Love you."
"Okay. I love you too."
I put down the phone, but Troy still didn't seem to notice. His eyes remained firmly on the cupboard, hunting for his snack. I watched him for a minute then suddenly felt a touch indignant at how he was willfully avoiding me. I remembered what he had last said to me yesterday, and felt like I was owed an apology.
I had more pride than this. I didn't need to wait around for him to pay attention to me. I got up, not looking at him, and went to the bedroom to change out of my work clothes. When I came back, he had pulled out his computer, sitting at the kitchen table with his headphones on, focused on what he was reading. He didn't look up, and neither of us spoke. And we both stayed quiet all night, as I watched a few hours of television, and when I finally got up and went to bed.
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Author's Note: Hey, readers! I'd love to hear from more of you with the reviews. Maybe I'm not giving you a chance because I update so often, but there's just six comments for the last chapter, and I know more of you are lurking out reading this story. So go on, write in, tell me if you think Gabi & Troy are being dumb in not talking to each other, or how Anna is the sweetest friend alive. I'd love to hear all about it.
