Harry stormed after him.
"You…don't care?" He asked rather loudly. A few birds fluttered out of a nearby bush. "You don't care?" He repeated, fuming.
"No," Ron replied, still walking. He was heading toward the forest.
"Ron," Harry said, Ron's long strides were making it hard to keep up, "Stop!"
He saw Ron hesitate slightly, but after a minute pause he kept going, shaking his head. Harry looked around as he followed, it was dark and quiet, no one was around. Ron was at the edge of the forest now. Harry knew the forest was dangerous these days. He knew Hagrid was going there frequently and always coming out with new injuries. He knew Ron knew this as well.
"Ron." He said as firmly as he could. "I said…stop."
A few feet ahead of him, Ron did stop. But he didn't turn around. Harry stopped too.
"I have been looking for you," Harry said heavily, "All day. Why did you…how could you…"
"How could I?" Ron interrupted, finally turning around, in the dark Harry couldn't read the expression on his face, or pinpoint how he sounded. "How could I? How could you?" now he sounded pained. "You…you…" He sputtered. "You're going out with Cho."
"She brought it up," Harry tried to explain, "I got cornered, alright?" he braved a step forward, his palms up. "I can't just kiss her and not-"
"You," Ron said, his voice shaking, Harry felt something twinge deep inside his chest at the tone of Ron's voice now, "You kissed me. You kissed me." His voice broke on the last word. He swallowed. "You told me to…to promise you…to say…" He trailed off.
Harry didn't know what to say, or even if he should speak. His heart was pounding so hard he thought it was going to burst. He sighed and dropped his hands. A cloud shifted, unblocking the moon for a moment, and Ron's eyes glistened in the moonlight. He looked broken, and confused.
"What do you want from me?" Ron asked softly, "I'm trying…I don't know what to do." He looked up and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. Harry suddenly realized with a horrible jolt that Ron, standing here in front of him, was trying not to cry.
Harry did not hesitate before finally closing the distance between them and pulling Ron into his arms. He held him tightly. Please don't cry, he thought, please. Please don't.
"What am I supposed to do?" Ron whispered, "Harry…"
"Don't leave," Harry replied quietly, "Be here. Don't make me wonder where you are."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do."
"You can't leave. Don't disappear on me."
"I'm sorry." Ron's voice was still quivering.
"Stop," Harry murmured, he pulled away enough to look at Ron, "Just.. don't do that again, okay? I can't worry like that."
"Okay," Ron replied with a nod, "I won't." He looked like he wanted to say more but he didn't. "I'll be here. I promise." He took a shaky breath. "I promise."
[][][][][][][]
And Ron stayed true to his word. For the next few days he was rarely from Harry's side apart from quidditch practice and prefect duties. In fact, they seemed to move as one unit. Ron seemed hyper-aware of each of Harry's movements. When Harry made any slight motion to stand up, sit down, or even grab a book or ingredient, he could feel Ron's eyes on him, as though waiting for…something. Harry was unsure if this was noticeable to anyone other than him but he could not tell. Hermione seemed focused on her schoolwork. Ginny and the twins were rarely around other than meal times.
And at night, Harry got the distinct impression that Ron was not sleeping. He sat in his bed, and watched from the corner of his eye as Harry dressed, and stayed sitting as Harry fell asleep. And in the morning when Harry woke up, Ron was already dressed, his bed still made. There were still dark circles under his eyes.
Valentines Day was approaching, the day Harry was to go with Cho to Hogsmeade. Harry had no idea what to do about it. He had a deep rooted desire to stay back. Ron was, for quidditch practice. But what he really needed to do, and he knew Ron felt the same, was to speak to him alone. Everything that was happening between them felt so fragile, and still not even figured out. Harry kept going over Ron's words, his small, weak, quivering words he had spoken in the cold, dark forest:
"What do you want from me?"
And Harry knew he needed to figure it out. To tell him, how to tell him. How to put the pieces together, for himself, for the both of them. Harry was worried he had absolutely destroyed his best friend. Had ruined something that had been great. Had completely turned their friendship inside out, or flipped it upside down. He knew deep down that nothing would be the same.
But he didn't want it to be, he wanted it, needed it to be more. Right now, whatever happened, he just knew he needed it to be this. Once he had felt that shock, that wonderfully electric feeling he got from touching Ron, the security it gave him, that couldn't go away. It couldn't stop.
During Ancient Ruins one afternoon, Harry was trying his best not to doze off. He was tapping his quill rhythmically, looking out the window at the pouring rain. Hermione was on his left, the only one in the room that was studiously taking notes. Harry stretched and leaned back, then looked to his right. Ron was staring ahead, seemingly zoned out. But he sensed Harry's gaze and looked back at him.
"Can we…" Harry whispered, twiddling his quill, "Can we talk tonight?"
"Yeah, sure," Ron replied, he smiled slightly, causing Harry to unclench some of the anxiety in his gut, "Whatever you want, Harry."
Harry smiled back, feeling lightened.
"Um, late tonight…? In the common room?" He asked. When Ron nodded he sighed in relief, then almost as instantly as the lightened feeling that had come over him, it was replaced with nerves. He had no idea what he was going to say, but he had to say something. He felt he had something to fix, something to make right.
The day continued fairly normally. Ron had practice that evening, they were preparing for a game against Hufflepuff. Harry sat at a table with Hermione where she was helping him with Arithmancy homework. When they eventually finished, the Gryffindor team began to trail in, looking wet and muddy but pleased, Angelina was talking rather quickly with Ron and Katie, nodding fervently and making wild hand gestures. Ginny waved at Harry and Hermione then patted Ron on the shoulder and headed upstairs.
"Well done, Ron," Katie trilled as she and Angelina also headed toward the stairs, "You were excellent today! Hufflepuff won't know what hit them."
Ron, blushing slightly, approached Harry and Hermione. Harry grinned at him.
"Good practice, then?" He asked.
"Didn't miss one," Ron replied, obviously pleased with himself. "And in the rain, too."
"Brilliant!" a voice said behind him. Fed, George, and Lee Jordan had entered the room, cloaks wet.
"You share our blood after all!" George added, thumping Ron hard on the black, "I really thought you were going to miss that last one, they were really trying you. But you got it, little brother!"
Harry beamed at the expression on Ron's face. He couldn't remember the last time Ron looked this happy. And he deserved it. Hermione congratulated him, she stood on tip toes and kissed him on the cheek, and then told them goodnight and headed off to bed.
"Um," Ron said, glancing around the common room, which was mostly empty, "I need a shower, but then I'll be back?" He said it like a question.
"I'll be here," Harry replied, "Take your time."
Harry remained at the table, he wrote down some ideas he had for DA meetings, came up with some predictions for his Divination homework, and continued to wait as others trickled off to bed, until he was the last one. He glanced at the clock, it was nearly 11.
He sighed and then his thoughts no longer could stay at bay. He still wasn't sure what he was going to say to Ron. Then decided maybe it would be best to let Ron speak first.
Finally he heard a door open and shut gently, he set down his quill and looked up. Ron smiled faintly at him and walked over slowly.
"Hi," Harry said, he stood up, "Do you want to…" He gestured toward the couch by the fire.
"Sure," Ron replied, he walked over to the couch and sat down, Harry joined him. His hands suddenly felt clammy.
"Um," Harry began, "About…about that night…" He trailed off. Nothing was coming to him.
"Which one?" Ron asked, in an instant Harry saw the look come back. The one where Ron looked sad, and hurt, and broken, and-
"In the forest," Harry pressed on, "The night in the forest. It's just, you were right. To ask. To ask me that."
Ron dropped his gaze, and shifted slightly, but he didn't speak.
"Ron…talk to me." Harry very badly wanted to reach out and grab his hand. "Talk to me."
"You need to talk to me," Ron replied carefully, "It's like I said…like I asked…what do you want from me?" He still wasn't looking at Harry. "I'm here, like you asked. I…stay with you. I'm here. But…it doesn't seem like it's enough. I'm not sure…" His voice was starting to shake. "I'm not doing something right. It's not enough. I'm not enough."
"You are," Harry said quickly, and followed his instincts and grabbed Ron's hand, "You are." He paused, then finally found more words. "You…help me. Staying. Me knowing where you are. I…like it. I like you being around me. I wish you were around me all the time. I know you can't be." He was rambling now, but he found that everything he was saying was true. "Look at me." Ron did instantly. "I'm still figuring this out too. I don't always know what to do, or say. I'm kind of a wreck." He swallowed. He wished Ron would say something but he still looked hurt, and also somewhat lost.
The fire crackled. Harry could also hear Crookshanks purring somewhere as he slept.
"So what do we do?" Ron whispered, "What do you want me to do?"
"Just…this," Harry replied, he scooted closer, "Being here, being you. I want you to be around me as much as you can. I want to know where you are, what you're doing. I want…" He trailed off, considering what he was about to say, "I want to…touch you. Whenever I want. Whenever I can," he added, "And…I want you…"
"To be yours," Ron finished for him, "You…you kind of…" He looked around the common room.
Harry looked too, then back at Ron.
"Kind of what?" He prompted him quietly, moving closer.
"It kind of sounds like…like you want to…control me." Ron was looking him right in the eye.
Harry felt something click in his brain. Was that what he had wanted, this whole time? Was it why he felt so frustrated when Ron wasn't around him? Why, when he did know where he was and what he was doing, he felt a sense of security? Was that what he meant when he made Ron promise to be his? To be something, the one thing in his life that was his.
He leaned forward and kissed Ron firmly, placing a hand behind his head. He deepened the kiss, raising his other hand and placing it on Ron's chest, then pulled back slightly and rested his forehead against Ron's.
"What if I do?" He whispered, closing his eyes. He waited for an answer, hoping.
The fire was going out. Crookshanks was still purring. Ron was breathing quietly, as if he was afraid to make too much noise. Then he raised his own hand and moved Harry's from his chest, and held it for a moment. Harry pulled his head away and opened his eyes. Ron was eyeing him carefully, then he finally spoke,
"Okay," he whispered, nodding. Then smiled gently. "Okay."
