. Not Meant to Be .
"It's never enough to say, 'I'm sorry.'
It's never enough to say, 'I care.'
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me,
And knowing that if I give that to you,
I might just disappear.
…
It's like one step forward and two steps back.
No matter what I do, you're always mad.
And I…can't change your mind.
…
I can't give you what you want,
And it's killing me."
~ "Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman
From his place on the comfortable, rather expensive-looking sofa, Natsu watched Levy meander her way around her house with expertise. He thought it incredible, not fully understanding even after months of knowing her in this life how she could so easily know the height of a table on the first try or how she knew exactly what shelf in her fridge something she wanted was on. He kept quiet about it, not wanting to be rude for once. She'd let him crash at her place in the last few weeks, even as Lucy bounced around from her place to Gray's and back. He wondered what had happened to her moving into her own new place, but as he and Lucy were still gently edging back into what he hoped was at least friendship…he'd not asked.
He'd not asked much of anyone, preferring to quietly sort through memories over whatever drink was put in front of him, whether it be Lucy's preferred tea or lemonade or even just once alcohol.
That had been after a particularly trying night in which he'd woken up from a dream of his own for once. They'd stopped so much after the mess with the bakery, but this one…
Lucy's screams had flooded his ears as she was crushed and he'd been unable to go back to sleep, picturing that crimson-stained gold, and had happily raided Levy's fridge and cabinets until he'd found enough alcohol to get drunk on it.
Levy had found him so drunk the next morning that he'd been slurring over his words and had promised threateningly to tell Gajeel and kick him out if he did it again.
Now, Natsu was drinking tea again. He wondered if Lucy was the one who'd gotten him into it. He sipped at the hot drink, his eyes following Levy. He wondered if she even realized that she'd not covered up her eyes like she normally did, leaving the brutal scarring on full display. It helped with differentiating her from the memories he had of a childhood friend from another life now that he'd seen them, and he found himself feeling more relaxed around Levy than anyone else.
It was for that reason and no other, except for trusting her opinion and willingness to forgive even more than Lucy's at the moment, that he spoke up.
"What happened to your eyes, Levy?"
He supposed it was worse than asking how she knew where things were, but…she'd clearly been hurt badly, and he wanted to know how. He wasn't sure what he intended to do with the information either.
Levy, in the middle of casually listening to a text from someone at the museum be read from her phone, froze. There was silence broken only by the words of the message. Finally, it died away, leaving only that silence. It took her a few moments to swallow thickly and say warily, "Why do you want to know, Natsu?"
"Dunno," he said with a heavy sigh, sincere in his answer. He couldn't be honest with Lucy and the words he gave her dripped off his tongue as sweetly as poison whenever he tried to skirt around her questions about what was wrong with him. So being able to be bluntly honest with Levy was a relief. "Just…I wanna know. Is it left over from–"
"–my other life?" finished Levy with a hint of a smirk on her face. "No. It's not. I could still see just fine when I died." She said it as if it was such an easy thing to consider and Natsu blacked out memories of his own death – of Lucy's and Gray's. He wondered briefly what had happened to Happy before shoving those thoughts away, too, and focusing on Levy.
"No," she repeated, coming to sit with him on the sofa with a sigh. "I got this," she made a casual gesture to her face, "in high school. Junior year, with Lucy sitting right next to me. We were in our chemistry class, just chatting about how the day had been going and some plans for some kind of dance the school was putting on. We were arguing about a bet that we had going over how long Gray could keep his clothes on. It's a miracle we all ended up in the same high school, now that I think about it," she muttered under her breath, "although Gray did know her longer…"
Natsu's lips quirked a little. At least she'd not been alone before he'd come stumbling in and wrecked her life. As much as he bickered – well, had bickered – with Gray, he was someone Natsu trusted with his life. As it was, had Gray not been there the day things had gone so wrong in this life, then Natsu considered that he might have very well been dead.
"Anyways," continued Levy with a sigh, grimacing, "I hear this shout of my name, and then I turn around, and all I feel is this blinding pain." She smirked darkly at her own joke. "I don't remember too much afterwards. Just…I remember screaming because it hurt so badly, and then the hospital." Natsu nodded; that he understood. "Lucy cleared up what had happened a few weeks down the road.
"One of the boys in our year had asked me to the dance we were going to attend," Levy said, her voice softening a fraction, "and I'd told him something along the lines of 'Thank you, but I'm going with my friends.' He didn't take it well and managed to get a hold of some oil. He'd mixed some kind of heavy-duty cleaner into it, I think, or something of the likes, boiled it, and…well, you get the picture."
Natsu was quiet for a few moments, thinking that over. His own eyes ached at the mere idea of being touched with anything of the sort. Anger towards the person who'd done it began bubbling up, and as if knowing what he was thinking, Levy said gently, "He went to prison for a few years, and is a completely different person now from what I've heard. I've not heard from him in years, thank God. He apologized though, after he got out. I've long-since gotten over it, Natsu."
"It's still…" He didn't know where to begin describing what he was feeling about such a matter. "He ruined your life."
"Mm," she hummed, "only for a few years. Things like that either make you or break you, and I'm incredibly well-known in my field because of it. Besides, it's helped me out a few times." She grinned impishly when he frowned, wondering what that had to do with anything. "The museum wanted to send me to a bigger, better one a few years ago, and I played every card in my books to stay here. Like hell I'm leaving Magnolia and everyone here."
Natsu tried to not gape too much at her, astonished, and she laughed at his clearly stunned silence. When she turned her face towards him, he could have sworn that she was looking straight at him. "Does Gajeel know?" he suddenly asked, curious, and Levy winced.
"No," she admitted, making a guilty expression. "He keeps implying that he wants to know, but…I don't know, it'd make things weird, I suppose. And he already feels bad enough about so many things, I don't want him adding this on top of everything else, regardless of whether or not he actually had something to do with it."
Natsu's lips twitched as he told her what she'd been telling him over the last few days, "So? Talk to him. It'll make ya feel better."
"Shut up, you," she hissed, swatting him on the arm, although a grin spread over her lips. "I've been thinking about it, but I'm not ready for him to know yet, so don't tell him. And you need to sit down and talk with Lucy. Get her back to a normal life. She can't bounce around like she's been forever. She has a house lined up, waiting for her to move in, and the nightmares aren't gone entirely, but they've lessened up a lot."
Natsu had noticed that. Outside of one or two nightmares, Lucy hadn't had as hard a time staying asleep in recent times. Even Gray had reported her sleeping better in the last week or so, although she'd had another moment at his place, too. Natsu was grateful that Gray had skipped out on he and Lyon's mountain trip. He was willing to bet that everything could have gone a lot worse without him around to help Lucy.
"I'll talk to her," he said hesitantly, "about the house thing." Nothing more. He knew that he needed to honestly sit down and have as good a conversation with Lucy as he could about everything else, but…
That would inevitably lead to talks about where they stood after their date, too, and the idea made him panic. She was still nervous about staying around for too long, as if she was worried that one wrong word would send him back into a tantrum that resulted in him hurting her again. He didn't blame her for that; that was on him for certain. He blamed himself, knew now that he shouldn't have said that no matter how hard it was for him to look at Lucy and separate her from the other Lucy.
"Have you considered," said Levy suddenly, as if knowing what he was thinking about, "talking to Erza and Gray? I know you spoke with Gray a little, but you should try talking to them together."
Natsu considered that for a few moments, frowning. He'd not thought of such a thing, but…the idea of facing Erza was even more concerning for some reason. He didn't see her very often and certainly hadn't seen her since remembering everything. His stomach flipped at the idea. "Why do you keep trying to get me into group therapy?" he muttered, scowling.
"Because it's good for you," retorted Levy, snorting at him in turn. She folded her arms. "You won't talk to Lucy, so go talk to the other two who know you better than anyone else. Well, excluding Gajeel and Wendy, but you won't talk to them either, so…"
Natsu rolled his eyes, leaning back. "I'm fine, I'll figure it out," he told her.
He didn't sound convincing, even to his own ears.
A few days later found Natsu surprisingly anxious and admitting to himself that he'd definitely never hear the end of it from Levy if she found out that he was waiting on Gray and Erza to join him. He sat shoved into a corner at the back of the Heartfilia Bakery, knowing Lucy wouldn't be in until later thanks to a comment on Levy's part about them going shopping. Lisanna kept eyeing him every now and then, but Natsu ignored her glances. He didn't want to talk with her, or with the curious new staff member who kept shyly looking his way with interest.
He most definitely did not want to talk to that new staff member. He had eyes for one person, and he was currently in the process of working on his thoughts so that maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to figure out that complicated relationship.
"It's good to see you, Natsu." He jumped in surprise, not expecting Erza to suddenly seat herself to his right. Gray had arrived, too, sliding into the seat across from Erza. He didn't look nearly as pleased to see Natsu, but Natsu knew that was to be expected. This Gray was a little bit more irritable, he couldn't help but think warily, when it came to Lucy – not that he supposed he could blame him. They'd been friends for a long time – far longer than Natsu had known Lucy in this life.
Natsu grunted, glancing over his shoulder as he remembered Lucy had had the bell removed. He was glad. It had always hurt his head when it had rung. "Hey, Erza," he finally muttered, not bothering to greet Gray. He felt awkward as Erza gave him a warm smile, clearly at ease with what had been happening to them all.
It made him want to throttle her.
How.
How could she be okay with any of this?
As if reading his thoughts, Erza's expression softened and she said gently, "Have you been recovering sufficiently?"
Natsu thoughtfully touched his side, wincing. It was still a little tender, but in between the moments where Lucy wasn't sure how to speak with him, she'd made sure he'd taken his medication and gotten what he needed. It only made things harder. She was trying so hard to make sure he was okay and healthy, and he couldn't bring himself to do the same. "Yeah. Still get tired, I guess, but…"
Silence fell. Gray, still not having said a word, stared warily at him. Natsu thought he might have made a mistake in requesting a meet up and almost just stood up and sent them on their way. Gray, however, stopped that by saying simply, "Lucy slept through the night."
Natsu felt a flicker of irritation. "She's not a kid," he said rather sharply. "Don't make it sound like she's a kid."
"I know she's not. But the fact that she's hit a record of a week is a big deal for her. She's almost caught up on all the sleep she's missed in the last few weeks." Gray put his chin on his fist and stared at him. "She'll be stayin' at Levy's place tonight. You still camping out there?"
Natsu fought the urge to grimace. He made it sound like it was a bad thing. "I let Lucy have the bed when she's there," he muttered. It was the truth; whenever she stayed at Levy's, he went to the couch. He knew she'd noticed; she always gave him an odd look whenever Levy told her to go to the bed.
Erza tipped her head, a frown on her face. "You're staying at Levy's place? I thought you had your own."
"With Gajeel and Wendy," Natsu said, shrugging and admitting he probably should have gone home at this point. "I just…didn't want to deal with Wendy right now." His cousin would be ridiculously emotional and would likely be clingy. He couldn't look at anybody without seeing someone else right now, and didn't think he could handle having her hanging off of him in that manner. He did feel bad about it though.
An awkward silence fell, and Natsu grumbled under his breath. This had been a bad idea. What the hell did Levy think talking with them would do for him? It was making him feel even worse, not better. As if sensing his quickly deteriorating mood, Erza took it upon herself to launch the conversation into what she seemed to know he needed to discuss, whether he wanted to or not.
"Gray says you've had a hard time accepting it," she said. "The memories."
Natsu stiffened, not at all happy that Gray had been telling other people about his problems. Gray ignored the glare that was thrown his way. So, Natsu had to respond, and he grumbled, "Yeah, so what?"
"I want to hear what you think," Erza told him, and it surprised him. She met his gaze with a kind look in her eyes. "I want to hear what you think of remembering. We've all remembered in unique ways, all dealt with them in manners equally as unique. So tell me, Natsu, what your response has been."
Natsu couldn't say he'd expected that. Most of the responses he'd gotten were something along the lines of what he'd been told by Gajeel. Separate them. A command, a recommendation, whatever it was.
Hesitantly, Natsu said, "I'm not any different than what I was in the last life. I am him." It was what he'd felt since the moment he'd looked at Lucy, even as unconsciousness closed in around him and pain had exploded through his body. It was what he'd felt since the moment the memories had slammed through the dam that had protected his mind.
Gray opened his mouth to likely disagree; Erza cut him off before he could. "Likely because you are. And the differences? Do you notice any?"
"No," he said immediately, scowling defensively and barking the word. This was the part that everyone else seemed to get caught up on. "I don't feel any different than what I was before. Except for my magic." Both of them flinched, as if the idea of magic had been a forbidden topic – taboo in the world they found themselves in. He wondered why it was, why no one else seemed to consider why magic wasn't a part of this world.
And it wasn't that he didn't know better; the others felt different from their previous selves. But he didn't.
Agitated, he shifted, wanting nothing more than to get up and at least walk around.
"Natsu," said Erza gently, stilling his movements. "It's fine. It's just…how you remembered. Some of us merely remembered things differently. As it is, from what I've been told, your last moments were a little different than the rest of ours. That could be why you feel differently."
Natsu paused. He'd never considered that. It would explain things. But–
"Who cares," he snapped, "why I feel differently? What matters is that the rest of you don't get that I don't care that I remembered. I care that I'm the only one who cares that this isn't our Magnolia. This isn't the life we were supposed to have."
There. That was the biggest problem he found himself struggling with, unintentionally spat out into the open for them to judge and dissect and excuse. This wasn't the life he'd wanted for himself. He'd thought they'd win that war with the Empire, the war that had taken everything away, had torn them all down into nothing because of a greedy man who wanted everything he didn't have.
He hadn't ever thought they'd truly lose.
He'd pictured a peaceful life of fun and jobs and family. He'd wanted to be able to turn around and find everyone happy and healthy, enjoying life as they should have been. He'd pictured finally being able to sort out just how strongly he'd felt for the blonde woman who'd been at his side through thick and thin, perhaps eventually starting a family of his own.
Instead, Natsu had woken up in a broken world without magic and full of people who didn't care about their previous lives, who preferred to live in this one, where half of them didn't know one another and the other half didn't want to know.
And it was only made worse that his Lucy wasn't there, that the Lucy he remembered had been replaced with one who didn't remember everything he did. Maybe, he supposed, it would have been different if she knew. If she remembered, too, but…she didn't. She was just a girl who was as clueless as the rest of them.
He expected Erza to answer, but it was Gray who said, "You think the rest of us haven't considered that?" Natsu glanced at him, surprised, and Gray rocked back in his chair with a shockingly calm expression. He'd expected mockery from the other man. Instead, Gray looked rather serious and almost sympathetic. "You may not have noticed, pyro, but Juvia doesn't remember. Neither does Lyon, or any of the rest of my family. And you're not Lucy's only friend. The guild was my home for years, just like it was yours and Erza's, too. It's not the life any of us expected to have, or even wanted to have, but it's the life we have now. Throwing a tantrum isn't going to change anything or bring the old one back.
"And in case you've forgotten," continued Gray, "some of us don't mind this life." He lifted his chin, daring Natsu to challenge the thought when he added, "My family's alive. Not my real parents, the one's who gave birth to me, but the ones that matter are here. Ur's alive. And yeah, I know you didn't get that lucky for very long, but you still had Igneel back for a while, right? And now there's Lucy, just like last time."
"'Just like last time,'" echoed Erza quietly, suddenly frowning. "I do often find my times worrying about that idea. Look at what happened with Lucy and the woman who shot you. It is somewhat similar to the last life, is it not? Natsu, whatever happened to the family you had before Igneel?"
Natsu's breath caught in his throat.
He knew exactly what she was thinking.
"I don't know," he admitted. "I think they're dead. My parents at least."
"And Zeref?" she asked. He said nothing. "If we are lucky – and I hope that we are – perhaps this is the life that we were gifted in return for what happened to us. But we must consider the idea that things could very easily go wrong again. For that reason alone, Natsu, please try to reconsider how you view this life that you've been given again." She offered him a kind smile. "I know that you find it especially hard, that you think of it differently. I had my own problems at first, as did Gray and everyone else."
"Except for Levy," Gray said, suddenly smirking. "But she's just…weird."
"She's weird," agreed Natsu. For the first time in what felt like centuries, Natsu cracked a grin, too.
It was nearing a week after his conversation with Erza and Gray that Natsu ducked into the Heartfilia Bakery with the intention of speaking with Lucy and having a conversation. And not the half-conversation he'd given her the day she'd taken him to the hospital. They'd not really talked since then, and he owed her a better conversation that that. A better apology – and perhaps if she wanted to hang out as they once had. Not a date, but an attempt at the very least to do something fun.
The words died on his lips when he found that she was leaning over the counter, her elbows braced on it and her dark eyes locked on Sting. Sting calmly leaned his hip against the same counter, his eyes glimmering with amusement as he said something to Lucy – and Natsu felt a sting of pain when for the first time in a very long time, he saw Lucy laugh. The sound was surprisingly bright and happy.
He wondered then, how long it had been since he'd seen such a thing, and it only made everything so much worse. He'd made her cry instead – likely more often than he'd ever made her laugh.
Guilt swelled to incredible lengths in his chest, and he was debating simply leaving and trying again some other day when Lucy's gaze slid over to him and blinked in realization. "Natsu," she called, and he didn't miss how that amusement was replaced with hesitation, how that warm smile vanished and became nervous.
It only drove that spike in deeper and he felt sick. She shouldn't have looked like that when he entered the bakery, he couldn't help but think. Once, she'd smiled as brightly as the sun upon seeing who it was that had entered the Heartfilia Bakery. Once, she'd welcomed him with open arms and smiles and laughter, just as she'd welcomed Sting. But because he'd been so lost and confused, because he'd refused to try and make the best of this weird life he'd been given.
For just an instant, Natsu thought he'd simply leave Magnolia entirely and let Lucy be happy, because she seemed to be more so without him.
But his entire soul seemed to recoil away from the idea.
No, he thought immediately. He'd not leave Lucy. He would never leave Lucy.
And just as simply, all of the problems he'd thought existed went up in smoke, because the Lucy before him…she wasn't the same Lucy by any means, but she was still Lucy, and she'd always be Lucy. He couldn't picture a life without Lucy now, whether it be his last life or this one.
Squaring his shoulders, Natsu cleared his throat and made his way over to the counter. "Hey, Luce," he said, wincing at the hoarseness of his voice. "Can we talk?"
Uncertainty flickered across her gaze. "I'm waiting on a big shipment," she said uneasily, and Natsu felt a stab of pain. She was trying to avoid him.
"Won't take long," he murmured, and she nodded reluctantly, looking more nervous than before.
"We can talk in the back," she told him quietly before turning her face back towards the concerned looking Sting. A smile flickered briefly over her face as she said, "Like I said, go ahead and talk with her, but no promises that she'll accept anything you feel like offering. Yukino's on a break from dates. She had a whole year of outright terrible ones. Some of the stories she told us…" She shuddered. She wordlessly waved for Natsu to follow and left Sting with only that.
Natsu trailed behind her patiently as they walked to the back office he'd found her in when he'd apologized the first time. Lucy held the door open for him and when he was inside, she kicked it shut behind her, her lips pressed into a hard line. "What can I do for you, Natsu?" she said warily, and he winced at the lack of warmth.
He should have done this sooner. Still, he was doing it now. Better late than never.
"I'm sorry, Lucy," he said firmly, and she looked caught off guard – and scared, as if she was terrified of what she thought he was going to say. Ignoring her fear, Natsu pressed on, his eyes flickering with determination. "For what I said to you when I got home from the hospital. I was being an idiot, and it'll never make up for what I did."
"Natsu?" she murmured uncertainly, just as nervous as she'd been the first time he'd shown up to apologize. "What are you–"
He lifted his chin, cutting her off. "I'm better now. Not completely better, but mostly better." His words faltered there, and he grimaced, wishing he had a better way to explain it. He wasn't okay with this life by any means, but he was ready to accept that things were the way they were, and he had no choice but to move on. And he'd prefer to take what happiness he could be – happiness that he knew wouldn't exist without Lucy around. "And since I ruined everything, I figured we could start over. We can pretend that I didn't get shot –"
"Natsu," she tried to say, but he ignored her, continuing and pretending he didn't see the smile tugging at her lips.
" – and that I didn't say what I did like an idiot. But not entirely, 'cause I can't let it happen again, and it would be wrong to forget it happened entirely, 'cause I did screw it up badly –"
"Natsu!"
" – but I promise it won't happen again, and I'll be really careful–"
"Natsu!" Lucy cried with a hint of laughter in her voice, and he clamped his mouth shut, cheeks flushing red at the amusement on her face. As if she thought his attempt to express just what his intentions were was rather amusing to her. When he was quiet, she said gently, "It's not really something I can just forget, you know." He opened his mouth, eyes widening in fear, and she cut him off. "But I understand that you're sincerely sorry for it. I'm sorry, myself," she added.
"But you don't have to be sorry for anything," he blurted, horrified, and Lucy waved him off.
"Yes, I do. Me avoiding you hasn't really helped with the situation and only made it worse." She played with a lock of hair, averting her gaze. "I just…it's so hard to find people who like me for me and aren't also my employees. I love Mira and Lisanna and Yukino, but…I do have to pay them, you know? So there's pressure there. And Gray and Levy…I always feel so bad for laying everything on them, so when you showed up and had the same problems as me…it meant a lot to me, having someone who understood without me having to say a word. But then you got hurt because of me –"
"That's just not right at all," interrupted Natsu, but she ignored him.
"–and I didn't want to ruin your life further. Especially after what you said…regardless of whether or not you apologized for it. It was my fault that you got hurt, and I really just…" Lucy hesitantly met his gaze, unable to finish her sentence, though Natsu understood immediately what she meant – mostly because he'd thought the same in some circumstances. Sometimes, one just didn't feel like they deserved what they had.
Puzzled, Natsu said, "Lucy, it wasn't your fault that I got shot." She shrugged, disbelieving, and he took a step forward, getting her personal bubble to get his point across. "Seriously, Luce, it wasn't." He had to think his words through carefully, so he didn't give his own memories away as he said pointedly, "Some crazy lady wanted revenge for something someone else did. Something that had nothing to do with you. Not your fault she thought it was you."
"You were still in my shop. Technically, you could probably sue me," muttered Lucy, and he couldn't help but crack a grin at her ridiculousness. Did she really think he'd sue her for getting shot when she'd been the one in the most danger?
"Anyways," she said, firmly meeting his gaze and offering a hesitant smile, "I'm sorry as well."
"So what d'ya say, Luce?" Natsu offered a hand, wiggling his fingers. "Wanna start over?"
She studied his hand, and then smiled warmly. His heart missed a beat when she slid her soft fingers into his. "No," she said firmly, squeezing his hand tightly. "Not start over, but…let's go back to what we were before everything went weird, okay? Friends."
Despite Natsu's determination to move on and find happiness in this new life he'd been given, something in him splintered even as he kept a grin on his face. There would be no going back to how things had been – not for him, at least, although he silently vowed to do his best. They'd been on a date after all, and Natsu just...wasn't sure he could handle that now. "Sounds good," he agreed. "Wanna start with some coffee?"
She smiled like a second sun, her expression so full of warmth he couldn't help but splinter further. "I'll bring it out to you. Give me two minutes."
He nodded and ducked out of the back office, somehow feeling heavier than when he'd gone to see her.
Ey, finally an update! Happy Turkey Day to those of you who celebrate it! Some movement back towards a positive direction, but they've got a long road ahead of them! And Erza's asking the important questions. ;)
Thanks to reviewers (itsxoi, LePengwen, stranger1999, Bananarock509, nkukurichan, Elsewhy, FairyTailxFanGirl, PinkFireandGoldenStars, Lodemai04, Bakers28, ScallywagGirl, and MagicalFoxInTheWilderness!) as well as those who favorited and followed!
