Disclaimer: It's probably obvious, but I don't own any of the HSM characters or their related elements.
Written July 8, 2006
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Chapter 13 – This Isn't Going To Be Easy
He moved quickly, already past the dining area when I got up to go after him. I squeezed through the tables and hit the foyer just as he passed through the main entrance. As he started down the stone steps, a wave of panic hit me as I realized he was gaining distance.
"Troy," I blurted out suddenly. "Wait. Please stop. I… just want to talk."
But he was halfway down the stairs and still going. Stumbling blindly after him, I called out again. "I'm sorry, Troy," I said, my voice distorted from desperation and fear. "I'm sorry. Please talk to me. Please don't run away."
And then suddenly, I saw him stop.
He stood heavily in the middle of the steps and let out a loud, frustrated groan. I flinched, nearly falling off the stairs as I ground to a halt on my high heels. And then he ran his hands roughly over his face as if utterly exasperated.
"God, Gabi!" he said, practically shouting. "Why did you come here?"
His words hit me like a slap in the face. He'd never yelled at me before. He kept his back to me, and showed no sign of trying to turn. "I don't need this," he said fiercely. "I don't need any of this. You weren't supposed to be here tonight. You should have just stayed away."
I forced myself to answer. "I couldn't, Troy," I said. "I… had to see you."
"Well, I didn't want to see you," he snapped back. "You left. You wanted to be away so badly. So you can leave right now, Gabi. Just go."
But though every word stung me hard, I stood frozen to the spot. And then after a long moment, he let out an irritated breath and sat down on the step. Resting his elbows on his knees, he gripped his hands together tightly. And at once I felt both anxious and hopeful: maybe he was angry… but he was still here.
But my heart fell as he spoke again. "You think you can just walk back here and make everything okay," he said, his voice filled with cold spite. "But you can't just take off your ring like that. You can't just take off across the country like that, and expect me to pretend like nothing has changed."
He fell silent, restlessly gripping his hands together over and over. And after a minute, I finally spoke.
"I know I can't do that," I said, my voice feeling rusty. "But I wasn't going to pretend things were the same. And that's not what I wanted from you, either."
And feeling more afraid than I had ever had in my entire life, I gathered my courage and sat down beside him.
My throat felt tight as I looked over at him. His face seemed flushed, and he was breathing hard, staring straight ahead. I wanted badly to reach out and touch him, but knew that was impossible right now. Instead I crossed my arms tightly, willed my body to stop shivering, and tried to tell him the truth.
"I didn't do all this just to hurt you," I said. "I didn't do it because I didn't care. I did it because I was scared, and I was confused, and I was completely alone."
Tears started to prick at my eyes and I blinked them back roughly. "Because after that first fight… I felt like I didn't know you. And then I didn't have anyone to turn to for help. Everything I had… I had because of you. It started to feel like I'd lost myself in trying to be with you, that I had nothing of my own—and that I hardly knew why I was going to be with you for the rest of my life."
The words became difficult to say. "And then we fought again and you left… and I found out there was really nothing at all here for me," I said, my voice starting to become high and tearful. "So when that magazine article came up… I went to Taylor and Ryan in New York, all the people who loved me without you." I swallowed, the lump in my throat unbearably huge. "But… all I found there was that I hadn't really lost myself. I just… might have lost you."
I couldn't stop the tears now. "So… I'm sorry I left, Troy," I said, struggling to keep talking as I wept. "I'm sorry I took the ring off. I'm sorry for everything." I pressed my hands over my eyes, feeling my shoulders shake with the sobs. "But I don't want to lose you. I don't want to let you go. I know we've got a lot to talk about… but I want to figure everything out with you by my side."
"Gabi…"
And I was still shaking as he said my name, tears rolling down my cheeks, the inches between us feeling as vast as miles.
"You don't know what it was like," he said slowly. "You don't know what it was like to come home, and find you gone."
And something in me crumpled painfully out as he let out a breath. "I missed you, you know," he said. "I just wanted to come home to you. And when I got there yesterday, I just thought you were out. Then when I read that note… I felt like the biggest idiot in the world."
His voice cracked. "And I thought about… how I didn't really know you at all. I didn't think you'd ever just… up and go."
I couldn't breathe. "Troy…"
But he cut me off quickly, his voice getting tight. "And I thought, well, that was it," he said. "That this was the end. And thank God, you know. Thank God I found out before we did anything too dumb." He stopped, stiffly silent. "And then, you had to go and come to this thing tonight."
He looked up into the evening sky, as if trying not to cry. "And damn it," he said, his voice halting. "It's so hard not to talk to you. And you wouldn't stop making me laugh. And now you're here, chasing after me, coming up with a good excuse for everything I was so mad about. I feel dumb again… but not for the reasons I thought."
And it seemed like the stairs had dropped away beneath me, as I realized what he had just said. "Are you saying…"
And he was staring at me as if he couldn't look anywhere else, the brightness in his eyes threatening to give way to tears.
"Jesus Christ, Gabi," he choked out. "I'm saying of course you haven't lost me. I was afraid… that I'd lost you."
And then suddenly, as if he couldn't help it any longer, he closed the gap between us and kissed me on the mouth.
And his kiss was soft and sweet and overflowing with pure love. I closed my eyes and felt like I would collapse, overwhelmed by his sudden closeness and the amazement that he was once again mine. And I started to cry as his arms wrapped around my waist, pouring all my love and hope into the kiss as he pressed me to him tight.
And he kept me close as we broke our kiss, not wanting to let go. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, feeling his heart beat softly against mine. And we stayed like that for a few minutes more, until I pulled back to look at him, to prove that he was still really there. And as he looked at me, his eyes softened, and a sheepish, happy smile started on his face.
"Come on, Gabi," he whispered, as if telling a secret made just for me. "Let's get out of here. Let's go home."
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Author's Note: Okay, you lucky lucky kids: I told you everything would be happy! And thanks for the patience from the vast majority of you---this took me a long time to do, because I wanted to get it just right. It's tough to find a good balance between realism and melodramatic romance-novel ending, and I'm satisfied I struck the right note in the end. So I hope you enjoyed it… and again please do review, because you've been so wonderful so far (22 for the last chapter, huzzah!). Oh, and in case you are curious, I should let you know we are awful close to the ending now. There's probably just a couple more chapters before we say goodbye to Troy and Gabi again….
