. Home .
"I don't know the answers.
Tomorrow's still unknown.
But I can make this promise:
You won't be alone.
…
But even when we stumble,
And someday when we fall,
What I will remember [is]
That I had you through it all.
…
I don't know what path we will be shown,
But I know that when I'm with you I'm at home."
~ "Home" by Jeff Williams
He was trying, and Lucy could tell. Every day, Natsu would make sure he came to the Heartfilia Bakery, sometimes alone and sometimes with Levy or someone else. Never, Lucy noticed, with his cousins, who he seemed to still be avoiding. She ensured to keep them up to date on his well being, however, and though Gajeel was rather crabby about the matter, Wendy was relieved to simply know he was improving.
No matter what she wanted, however, she could tell that something really had changed, that there was no going back to the easy friendship they'd had before Natsu had been shot. He tried, but there was always something in his eyes when he looked at her – sadness, as if he'd lost something, even as she stood right in front of him.
As if he was mourning someone and saw them every time he looked at her.
She knew better than to ask. She would never have answered if anyone asked the same of her, so Lucy didn't dare ask the same of him. Nor did she ask him to come by when she finally forced herself to move into her newly purchased house and had nightmares several nights in a row. Instead, she called Gray over, but that wasn't going to work for much longer.
"Lucy," Gray had told her gently one evening, "I'm heading out for a few weeks in the next couple of days. Juvia and I are traveling. You're going to need to figure out what to do or find someone else to come and sit with you. I know Natsu's a mess, but think about it."
It was how Lucy found herself in her current disaster.
The nightmares, while they'd dispersed over the last few weeks and didn't pester her nearly as much, had come back in full force that night. One right after the other, all different. One moment, it was her old haunt. The one she cared so deeply for had vanished, and there was danger around her. Another had been an impending sense of doom and loss for all of those around her as she held his hand, looking skyward and hoping against hope that they'd survive. There's been a third, in which she'd found herself alone, sobbing. There were more – so many more. She'd had nightmare after nightmare, and even as dawn crept in, Lucy found she didn't have the willpower to even think about trying to go back to sleep.
She bit her lip, her finger hovering over the call button on her phone. Levy's name was on display. She could call Levy, she thought. She'd come. She'd have trouble getting there, but she'd come. She'd never not come.
For a moment, Lucy considered calling Natsu, but she quickly chickened out and instead hit the call button. She pressed the phone to her ear, her lips trembling. She was so, so tired – of everything. Of pain, and exhaustion, and lies, and misery.
She supposed she should have considered the possibility that it would happen, but she was still caught off guard when a completely different familiar voice answered.
"Lucy?" said Natsu in her ear, and Lucy flinched.
"Natsu," she replied warily. "Where's…where's Levy?"
"She's sick. I've been helping her out all night since she's letting me stay here." Natsu's voice was suspicious. "Why are you up? It's…what, four in the morning…?" He trailed off, thinking, and then said, "You're having trouble sleeping again?"
"No," Lucy said instinctively, not wanting him to know, and it made her voice crack when she didn't want it to, because not so very long ago, he would have been the very first one she told. She winced when she heard him exhale sharply, as if he knew precisely what she was thinking. But she ignored him, pretended not to acknowledge the idea they were both aware of. "It was about something I was thinking about doing in connection with the museum."
It wasn't a lie. She had been thinking about donating a good chunk of inherited funds to Levy's work and perhaps sponsoring a day for children to attend. It'd be fun, it'd distract her, and she could cater it herself with her employees' help. They knew plenty of people that could help out with whatever needed to be done.
"Lucy," Natsu repeated a little blankly, "it's four in the morning. You had nightmares again, didn't you?"
She chewed on her lip, running a hand through her hair. Her stomach twisted – not entirely from anxiety, but nausea, too. She was just so, so tired. She didn't know how else to explain it to those around her – those she put on a mask for. And what made it all that much worse was that Natsu should have been the one she'd was comfortable with telling all of that.
"Lucy," Natsu prompted again, and she flinched when she heard his own awkwardness.
This had been a stupid choice to call Levy, she thought. "Yes," she finally admitted, forcing herself to ignore the sting in her chest. "I had nightmares, but it's fine. I'm used to it. I'll just call Levy later if she's feeling better. Let her know I called when she's not too sick, okay?"
"Luce–"
"See you later, Natsu," she mumbled, and then quickly hung up. She studied her phone for a moment, and suddenly found herself so angry she didn't know what to do with herself. So, desperate to get away from it, she hurled the phone against the nearest wall, ignoring the sound of it shattering upon impact, and buried her face in the knees she'd drawn to her chest. A sob left her.
She was so, so tired.
Lucy didn't go into work the next day. She didn't tell anyone - didn't feel the need to. It was her bakery, after all. She didn't have to tell them what she was doing or where she was going. She no longer had a phone to let anyone know anyways. So, she simply headed out mid-morning, grateful for the spring weather that had finally come. It was warm, and she soaked in the feeling of that warmth as she walked aimlessly.
She wasn't sure why she ended up at the museum late in the afternoon. Levy's museum, of course. There was no other she'd find herself at. She ducked into it, rubbing at an eye. She'd not been there in a while, so she might as well look around. It was unlikely Levy would be in that day anyway, and even if she was...Lucy felt bad thinking it, but Levy was rather easy to avoid.
Lucy started on the bottom floor, not finding anything particularly interesting. She saw a few things that she paused to look at. A pair of what looked like headphones. A rapier that still looked new due to being so carefully attended to. Ancient tomes. Cuffs of iron.
The second floor wielded the same. This time it was a necklace with a cross upon it. An entire room full of armor, dedicated to a historical figure that no one could name. For some reasons, those hurt to look at. They hurt so much that she turned away and left the room and floor, going to hunt down something new.
She faltered when she saw a display case that held a ratty old scarf that looked as if it had been crafted from the scales of some kind of reptile. Her heart flickered as she stared at it, uncertain. Something about that scarf set her on edge - drove a stake through her heart like the one who smelled of smoke in her dreams did. She longed to run her fingers over the familiar material, but knew that trying would get her arrested.
So, Lucy moved on until she found what she didn't know she was looking for.
She studied those familiar golden keys through the spotless glass with a hint of a smile appearing on her face. They brought her more comfort than she'd had in a long time, and she was grateful for it. They soothed away her aches and fears, and she wanted nothing more than to cradle some of them in her hands to see if they would radiate the warmth she could imagine them holding. She loved those keys. Lucy didn't know why, but she did.
Lucy stood there, hands in her pockets for some time. She felt better when she was near those keys; she always had, although she couldn't explain it.
She wasn't sure how long she stood there, but it was apparently long enough, because a voice from behind her made her jump out of her skin.
"You seem rather fond of those keys."
Lucy snapped her head around, golden hair flying around her face. "Ah," she said in surprise, unsure of what to say when she found Jellal Fernandes standing there. He might have been the last person she'd expected to see around Magnolia. Well, both he and Meredy. They'd disappeared some time ago, off to find someone apparently. Lucy wasn't sure about how much she believed that story. "Jellal, right?"
He inclined his head. "And you're Lucy, if I remember correctly." Lucy nodded herself, though the way he said her name told her that he'd known it well enough. He came to stand beside her, studying the keys, and kept a respectful distance, much to her relief. She still didn't know what to think of him. He unnerved her, nearly as much as Natsu now did. But...at the same time...she felt more at ease than she had for a very long time. Since before things had gone so wrong with Natsu.
"What are you doing in Magnolia?" Lucy couldn't help but ask, returning her gaze to the keys. "Levy said you'd left to find someone."
His lips twitched. "We did," he confirmed. Jellal's gaze softened and he tilted his head a fraction, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "And we found a few in Crocus and Hargeon who are also looking for people, but none of us could help one another, so Meredy and I chose to come back here. We found some of the people we'd been looking for and thought it was better than nothing. And I no longer have the desire to search as I have been. I have the one I was looking for above all of the others and though we have some things to work through...it's nice to have her around again. Not that I've seen her since returning just yet."
Lucy eyed him thoughtfully out of the corner of her eye. "Will whoever it is you've found be pleased to see you?"
"I hope so. We spoke once, but...I don't think she remembered who I was. I hope to change that." Jellal smiled softly at the keys before turning his gaze to her. "We saw on the news what happened. Are you and Natsu faring well after Dimeria?"
Lucy cringed, not liking the sound of that name. It hurt her head as much as that bell once had. She debated lying, but...that exhaustion must have shown, because Jellal said kindly, "The museum has a small restaurant, does it not? Let's go and have lunch there and we can talk more. Levy mentioned to me that you have nightmares...I used to have nightmares as well. Perhaps along the same lines as the ones you and Natsu experience."
"That would be nice, I think," Lucy said after taking a deep breath, laughing shakily. She found that her eyes were burning with tears for some reason.
Not for the first time...Lucy thought that it should have been Natsu she was speaking with.
It didn't take long to get some food. It was a busy work week and school was in session, so there weren't many visitors that day. Lucy found that she wasn't that hungry, so she merely sipped at some tea while Jellal nibbled at a sandwich. He looked fairly peaceful, Lucy couldn't help but think. At home in the museum in a way that she'd only seen in Levy.
"So," said Jellal after a few moments of peaceful silence. "What has been bothering you after the attack from Dimeria, Lucy?"
Lucy set her tea down and began to wring her fingers nervously, watching the movements her hands made with a furrowed brow. She thought it over, taking her time. Finally, she said softly, "Natsu's...different. He was shot, of course, so I didn't expect him to just...pop back up like he was before. But I didn't expect what he's been." She couldn't explain why she felt like she could tell all of this to a virtual stranger. But Jellal nodded, waiting patiently for her to go on. "His mood switches on the flip of a dime, and whenever he looks at me...he sometimes looks like he's thinking of someone or something else, as if I'm not there and he wants something in my place."
A hint of understanding flickered in Jellal's sharp gaze, but he only said, "I see."
"We talked about it, and he apologized. A few times now," she added with a hint of a smile. "I think he's trying, but it's almost like it frustrates him that he has to. Like he doesn't want to. And I've...I can't approach him like I could before. It's harder."
"Which is how you ended up here," suggested Jellal, and Lucy nodded slowly.
"This place...it helps clear my head," Lucy admitted, taking a deep breath. She felt better, talking with Jellal. Calmer.
"And the keys, too?"
Her cheeks flamed at the amusement in his voice. "Yes," she said, grimacing. "I don't know why. I always feel better looking at those keys. Like...they're old friends, and I don't have to talk to them. They simply know what I'm thinking. Not that they'd ever respond." She laughed softly, waving that off. "That'd be ridiculous."
Jellal chuckled in response, and Lucy got the feeling he was laughing about something else. "What of your dreams?" he asked, reaching for his glass and lifting the water to his lips. "What are they about?"
"They differ. The last few months have been all nightmares," she sighed. "I used to have good dreams. About this person I can't even name. Or describe. They were just…" She struggled to think of a word to describe the man in her dream. "Home," she finished, running a hand through her hair. "They were home. Like, I could turn around and I knew they'd be there, no matter what. I miss those dreams. Now it's just nightmares. Last night was one of the worse nights. It was one after the other. There's a bunch of different ones." And she wasn't about to describe it.
"Does anything help with the nightmares?" He looked sympathetic, and Lucy couldn't say she liked it. She'd found that sympathy was getting her nowhere as of late. She wanted someone to help her. Not just feel bad for her.
"Natsu did," she admitted, "but…" She shrugged. "I don't feel as if I can call him oer anymore." She remembered the dreamless nights - well, at least good dreams - that had existed for a while when he'd first begun spending the night in her apartment. "Short of that, nothing."
"Mm," hummed Jellal, considering what to say about the matter. Finally, he admitted, "I apologize, I doubt I can help you with such a thing myself. I can merely give the suggestion that you…" He trailed off, eyes flickering with amusement and what Lucy thought might have been a flicker of excitement. "...well, I would say that you should perhaps consider calling upon Natsu regardless, but it appears he called upon himself."
Lucy blinked in confusion for a moment. Finally, she looked over her shoulder, scanning the piece of museum that could be seen from the small restaurant they sat in. Her lips parted in surprise when she saw none other than Natsu standing there, looking incredibly anxious and frustrated. Even more surprising, Lucy thought, he was with Erza. The young woman was frowning, her scarlet hair stark against the dark wall behind her.
"Huh," muttered Lucy. "What are they doing here?" She arched a brow, watching as Natsu made a small, stiff gesture with a scowl at Erza. Erza gave him a patient look in response, frown vanishing as she spoke.
"I suspect that they might be looking for you," Jellal chuckled. He rose to his feet, tucking money beneath the empty plate to pay for the meal. Lucy glanced at him in surprise, and paused when she saw the fierce fond look that crossed his face, and could have sworn she heard him mutter under his breath, "With Natsu, I'm not surprised."
Lucy furrowed her brow slightly. Natsu had said he didn't know Jellal.
So why would Jellal act the opposite?
Lucy didn't bother to get up, too, instead watching curiously as Jellal started towards them, long stride eating up the distance quickly. About halfway there, he called Erza's name, and she snapped her head around to look.
A soft breath escaped Lucy's mouth at the look of pure shock that raced across Erza's face. It was followed by delight and then a wary caution before her expression closed entirely.
Huh, muttered Lucy silently. She'd not known that Erza knew Jellal. But by the look that had crossed Jellal's face...she was willing to bet that Erza was the one he'd mentioned he'd found, the most important of them all.
Just briefly, she wondered where Meredy was.
Her attention went to Natsu, whose onyx eyes narrowed briefly in recognition when he looked at Jellal. Not just the casual recognition that came with knowing an acquaintance, but the sincere recognition of a friend or ally.
Lucy's stomach flipped. There was something she was missing, she thought to herself as she quietly slid from the table, intending to simply leave. Something big, that everyone else knew about. Natsu, Gray, Levy, Gajeel, Jellal, Erza...so many more. They all knew, and she didn't. She was left in the dark.
It was quite infuriating. She wanted nothing more than to scream her frustrations to the world. Instead, she stayed quiet and pushed her blonde hair from her eyes as she started for the exit door that would take her straight outside.
At least, she would have started for it had a familiar warm hand not clamped down like a manacle on her wrist.
Lucy sputtered, snapping her head around, and was somewhat unsurprised to find that Natsu was there. His onyx eyes blazed with a mixture of relief and fury. Selfishly, she was relieved to find no sign of that strange lost, grieving look he oftentimes wore now. "Natsu-"
"Where the hell," Natsu snarled, and she was unprepared for the slight quiver in his voice, "have you been? We've been looking all over town for you, Lucy!"
Alright, so maybe wandering around after breaking her phone without telling anyone where she was going was a bad idea. Lucy tried to tug her wrist away from him, but he held firm, as if worried she'd simply disappear if he let go. Her lips trembled a little at the warmth; it was the first time he'd willingly done anything of the sort since the incident with Dimeria.
Feeling guilty, she averted her gaze and muttered, "I was just walking around, and then I ended up here. Jellal was here, and we got a small, late lunch. It's not a big deal."
"You called Levy at four in the morning," he snapped, "and then just disappeared!"
Her voice sharpened, frustrating rising in her gut. "Because that's not something you've done a couple times, right?" He sputtered, and Lucy yanked her hand free, furious with him quite suddenly. He had no right to scold her for such things when he'd worried her just as much time and time again.
Rubbing her semi-sore wrist, Lucy spared a glance in the direction of where Jellal had gone. He was calmly chatting with Erza, although could see a nervousness that existed in both of them. It only served to make her angrier, and she rounded on Natsu with a glare. Natsu returned it readily, any sign of worry vanishing and replaced with frustration. Silence fell as they merely glared at one another, neither sure of how to respond to the other. After a few moments, Natsu finally huffed and gave up, simply demanding, "Are you okay?" She blinked, confused, and he repeated, "Are you okay?"
Her eyes narrowed a fraction. "Do I look okay?" she snapped. "My friend, who happens to be the only one who helps with my crazy dreams, up and did a one-eighty on me, and now I can't call him over to help out without feeling guilty, or worried that I'm pushing, or seeing that...that...sad look on his face! It's like I'm not even there!"
Guilt briefly flickered over Natsu's face, and Lucy scowled. He knew exactly what she was talking about then. "So excuse me," she finished, voice hoarse, "for not looking okay." She was heaving for air. She felt a little dizzy, if she was being honest. She'd not slept nearly enough and she'd not eaten anything. She'd merely had a little tea for lunch.
Lucy paused. When was the last time she'd had a good, proper meal?
Maybe she was a little bit worse off than she'd initially thought.
Suddenly tired, she yanked the seat she'd left back out and sank into it, rubbing her temples. "Just...I don't think I can do this much longer," she said honestly, voice hoarse. "I'm sorry. I know I was the one who was pushing and you were honestly trying, but whatever happened...whatever changed when we were attacked at the bakery...I don't think it'll let us be friends like before."
Natsu's gaze flickered uncertainly as he studied her. "What do you mean?"
"You always look like you're seeing someone else," she rasped. "Whenever you look at me. I don't know if it's the woman who came after me, or someone else, like the girl you told me about in your dreams, but-"
"Lucy," interrupted Natsu. She didn't like the uncertain, almost fearful look that appeared on his face. "That's...that's an entirely different thing."
"Well, explain it to me. This 'entirely different thing.' Because no one else is." She took a deep breath. "I've seen that look before. On Levy, on Jellal, on Mira and Lisanna and Elfman. Gray has it, too. And no one's telling me anything."
He opened his mouth and closed it like a fish for a few moments, not sure of how to respond. After a few moments, he hesitantly said, "I...don't think you should...no one...I…" He couldn't seem to get his thoughts together. Finally, he threw his hands up in the air. "I don't know!" he said, frustrated with himself and with what she was asking of him. "I don't read other people's minds."
Two lies.
He'd lied to her twice in less than a second.
The look on her face must have given her away, because he said, "Lucy, trust me. I'll tell you eventually. I promise." He was watching her with wide eyes, and Lucy suddenly thought him rather frantic. She couldn't figure out what he had to be frantic about, though she suspected he thought she'd just disappear into thin air if he didn't give a good enough answer. Once again, he was thinking of something or someone else, she thought bitterly.
Lucy pressed her lips into a hard line, not impressed with him one bit. She didn't want to sit here and be miserable over such things anymore. She wanted to move on with her damn life. Not that she could with nightmares like her own.
"You say that," she said evenly, "but at this rate, I'll be pushing one hundred before you tell me anything. You just...you don't understand." Her own frustration bubbled up again. "Natsu, I can't sleep. The nightmares came back full force. And I get that you have your own issues, I've tried to help where I can, but I-" She broke off, uncertain of how to explain how much it hurt to know she couldn't just call him over anymore.
That was the bottom line.
She missed him. The easiness of their friendship, the romance that might have happened had it not been ripped apart by Dimeria's attack. The laughter and smiles and warmth. She missed the full faith she'd had that she'd have someone to fall back on, regardless of what she needed support for. She'd been able to offer likewise once, too.
"That's my problem," he said suddenly. She glanced at him, annoyed, but faltered. He met something different, she thought, studying him. She'd initially thought he meant it rudely, but it seemed as if the phrase was directed at himself. Natsu was frowning. Not at her, but at the ground. "That's my problem," Natsu repeated, "not yours. All of it. What you said." He met her gaze confidently after a moment of thought. "So if you need me there, I'll be there. Can't promise that it'll be like you want it, but I'll be there. Just...don't disappear, okay? I promised we'd be friends, and I know I've been a bad one. But don't disappear."
Lucy thought for a brief moment that his voice shook, cracked even. As if he was terrified she'd disappear into thin air. Which she thought funny, because for a moment - just a split second - she thought he rather resembled the man who smelled of smoke. The one from her dream, who she turned and found gone, disappeared into thin air.
She shook off such thoughts, nearly rolling her eyes. Like hell Natsu was that man. They were each their own individual, and one wasn't even real.
"Alright," she finally sighed, wondering how long this would last. They'd had nearly the same conversation several times, and it always went the same way. They said such things, but it always went back to how it had been before their apologies.
But, she supposed she'd see if this one worked out, simply because she missed him.
Enough so that when he offered her a hand to pull her to feet, musing that they should go see what was up with Jellal and Erza, she took it and didn't want to let go.
Lucy ran her fingers through her hair with a heavy sigh as she checked the phone she'd been forced to purchase, regretting that she'd had to replace her old one. For one, she was missing half of the information that had been on it, which meant she was still figuring out who was who, and she'd also lost some rather important pictures in the process. She found that she missed those pictures immensely.
Grumbling, she set the phone aside - and then checked it only a minute later.
"I'll be around at six," Natsu had told her when he'd stopped in the bakery earlier in the day. He'd been nervous; she'd been, too. After a week of serious attempts on both of their parts to recreate the friendship they still wanted she'd finally broken down and asked him to stay at her place for the night. It was ideal timing, she supposed. Levy was plotting a date at her place and Natsu needed somewhere to go since he was still avoiding his cousins - something they'd all chided him for. Wendy missed him badly.
So why, thought Lucy with frustration, was it nearing eight, and Natsu was nowhere to be found?
She scowled at nothing in particular. He'd been having a rough day - he'd barely been able to look her in the eye when he'd stopped in - but he'd promised. And he knew how much she cared for promises.
She was about to give in and pick up her phone when there was an awkward crash and the door flew open. "Oof!" grunted Natsu as he staggered in without knocking, ignoring Lucy's shocked gawking in favor of dumping the bags in his arms all over the nearest surface, which just so happened to be her couch. She squeaked when a bag toppled right into her lap, revealing itself to be icy cold.
"What-"
"Sorry!" Natsu gasped, although she wasn't sure what he was apologizing for - his two hour lateness or the cold substance, which turned out to be a pint of ice cream. "I had a meeting with Erza and then had to stop by my and my cousns' place, and 'cause I was late with the meeting with Erza, Wendy caught me, and-"
All of this was said so quickly, the words spilling out so fast, that Lucy could barely comprehend what he was saying as he launched into a small rant without taking a breath. When he finally did, she managed to say past muffled giggles, "What is all this?"
He blinked, studying her as she hid her smile behind her hand. "Food?" he said after a moment, unable to tear his gaze away from her face.
"Yes, but it's a lot and I have food in my fridge - unless you're asking me to store some for you until later notice? Did you acquire your own home now?"
"No," he said with a sheepish smile. "This is all for tonight. Since I was late, I figured I could bring dinner, but I didn't know what to bring. And..." He hesitated, cheeks flaming. "You look like you've lost weight. Gray said he didn't think you'd been eating much lately, so…"
Lucy fought back the tears of relief that threatened to spill down her cheeks. After all of that worrying...he'd not had too rough a day - whatever caused those rough days was beyond her - to forget that they were sincerely trying to work this mess out. "Well," she said, clearing her throat. "Looks like it's all finger foods, so we'll start the oven to warm up the colder things…" She climbed to her feet, tucking the ice cream beneath her arm. She felt a swell of warmth when she recognized that it was her favorite. "Anything in particular you want me to start with?"
He hurled a box of frozen fires at her, and she just narrowly caught it before she was smacked in the face with it. "Start with that, and then we can make something else, too!" He seemed excited, Lucy thought - enough so that it brought a smile to her face, though she did frown with some concern when he winced and rubbed his side, as if he'd tugged painfully at his injury.
It was good, she thought to herself, to get back to some normalcy.
Ey, finally an update! And finally some real progress with the pair. ;) Heading out of Natsu's lost and confused stage into...whatever the next one is. I've been working myself up about the exciting reveal to Lucy and am debating how to go through with it. We'll see what my mind decides. I don't know yet.
Thanks to reviewers (LePengwen, NerdmomDM, Neow Orbit, stranger1999, FairyTailxFanGirl, bored-out-of-my-mind247, Lodemai04, and sandradaffodils!) as well as those who favorited and followed! Your patience is appreciated!
