. Unsteady .
"...I'm alone,
'Cause this house don't feel like home.
If you love me, don't let go…
…
Hold onto me,
'Cause I'm a little unsteady."
~ "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors
Natsu was pleased to see that Lucy was in a better mood as of late, although occasionally she'd still get annoyed with him. He didn't mean to make her mad at him at such moments; he couldn't help that she looked like the other Lucy - the past Lucy, who he dreamed of quite frequently. Well, they were the same Lucy, he supposed, but not at the same time, and-
It was all very confusing.
And on the days where he couldn't separate the past from the present, he grew irritable and stayed away to avoid hurting her. She, of course, was Lucy, and would come looking, only making him more agitated. At the same time, he couldn't stay angry with her though. She was only trying to help.
Still, with each passing day, it grew shockingly easier to look past everything regardless of what was on his mind, and focus on the world around him. With great reluctance, he even moved back into Igneel's house, the house he'd shared with his cousins. Gajeel was still crabby half of the time, but Wendy was ecstatic, though she'd been confused when he'd taken one look at Happy the first time back and had walked right back out the door.
It had taken a few more tries before he could actually stay in the house for extended periods of time, and Happy had taken to sitting himself in the same room, but far enough from Natsu that it didn't make Natsu uncomfortable. He was still miserable; he missed his cat friend, and wondered constantly if it was the same Happy in a different body.
With caution, he began to speak about it with the others who remembered. Mirajane came first by her own demand when she dragged him behind the bakery to talk, earning shocked looks from half of those in the bakery. Some people had teasingly bid him farewell, as the only people dragged out in such a way tended to not come back to the bakery after that. Luckily, Mirajane had understood his situation and admitted to feeling very similar even years after remembering.
"Why do you think I call out of work sometimes?" she'd told him.
Before he knew it, things were fairly close to what they'd been before Dimeria's little attack. His side healed well, though it held a shockingly big scar. It made him nervous to look at it; it looked scarily similar to the scar that had appeared in the same spot in his previous life. Every now and then, it ached enough to make him rub it, but no other problems lingered.
Natsu thought life was turning out better than he'd thought after remembering everything, even if he did miss his old life, too.
Her blood pooled on the ground, staining the rich rug that ran along the stone corridor. Her eyes stared blankly at the ceiling above her head, her blonde hair stained crimson. The black cloak clasped at her throat had shifted, revealing dozens - no, hundreds of scars. Scars he'd not protected her from, just like he'd failed to protect her from the ending blow.
The blue-furred cat sobbed over her, tears streaming from his eyes. Wendy shook violently nearby, her eyes wide and her hands clasped over her mouth in horror. She knelt beside her own body, sobbing.
He could only stare, unable to believe what had happened.
Dead.
She was dead.
He hadn't been able to stop it, and she was dead-
He awoke with the violence of a cannon, his entire body hurling itself off of the couch he'd been sleeping on with a massive crash. Natsu couldn't say he understood why he hurled himself off the couch in such a way. It simply felt as if it was the first response he had needed to go with.
He was still disoriented, blinking at the ceiling and trying to remember where he was and what time was when the light flicked on and nearly blinded him. He grunted, smacking a hand over his eyes, and a voice called sleepily, "Natsu? Are you okay?"
Her voice. Her voice. Natsu instinctively curled himself up, slamming his hands over his ears. He couldn't hear that. Not right now. He couldn't handle looking up and seeing blood-stained clothes and skin and hair. He didn't want to look up and see that she was what he'd remembered. If he didn't open his eyes, then perhaps she'd still be alive - her blood wouldn't be staining rich carpets and the knees of her second self-
"Natsu," she said again, her voice somewhat muffled as he did his best to block her out.
There was movement beside him and then there was a hand brushing through his hair, the motion soothing and comforting. Natsu blearily blinked a few times, driving the image from his mind with each passing moment. It was easier, he found, with that hand in his hair, soothing it away. Eventually, it was gone almost entirely and he found himself letting loose a shuddering sigh.
"Natsu?" Lucy tried once more, her voice quiet.
"M'fine," he mumbled, rocking upright without hesitation. He dropped his hands away from his ears, grimacing. This was the main reason he didn't like what had happened. The nightmares that had once plagued him didn't come around nearly as often as they had in his past life, but this...when they did, they were horrifying.
How Lucy had gone this long with as many as she experienced and not gone crazy was quite the achievement, in his opinion.
For Lucy's sake, he tried to look at her, but found his gaze averting to the floor instead. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't. She looked too much like the dead Lucy, the one stained with blood, and he couldn't bring himself to look at it. It hurt too much to remember what it had been like to think she was dead. Not even to think her dead - she had been dead, that other Lucy.
She sighed softly, and his guilt splintered through him. She knew he was seeing someone else, and he felt bad about it. It wasn't this Lucy's fault that she was the same Lucy and not at the same time.
Natsu shook his head to clear it a little more and then glanced at the clock. It was too early in the morning to be up - almost three - and he knew Lucy had some important meeting with Jellal, though he wasn't sure what had sparked that. Jellal was odd, even in this strange world they found themselves in. "I'm fine," he repeated a little more confidently despite feeling entirely not fine. Every moment he wasn't focusing on driving the thoughts from his mind, they were back in full force, filling his thoughts with gold and crimson. He hated it.
Yet, Natsu still made himself smile at her. "You can go back to bed, Luce, I'm fine."
"That's three times you've lied to me in less than a minute," she replied firmly, an eyebrow lifted in exasperation. "You're not fine, Natsu, so stop saying you are."
He forced himself to look at her and found that she looked upset about the matter. She was more upset that he'd lied to her about something so miniscule than the fact that he couldn't look at her for more than a moment before being overwhelmed with the sight of her. Once, he would have simply curled up with her. But doing so with this Lucy would be cruel; she didn't understand, nor did she remember.
It'd be a horrible thing to do to both of them. He wouldn't take advantage of her like that.
He opened his mouth, closed it, and then finally said, "Sorry." Silence fell, somewhat awkward, somewhat not. He ran a hand through his tousled hair, sorting his thoughts out with clean, brisk lines and borders. He found it helped to separate this life from his other life when possible, even if he felt more in tune when he focused on his previous life.
When he'd finished, he cleared his throat and said, "Was dreamin' about Dimeria."
It was a lie, but he said it in a way that she clearly believed him. It hadn't been about Dimeria's attack in either life; it had been someone else who'd taken her from him in such a weird way. Her body had been sprawled out before him, even as she kneeled right there beside it.
Lucy's gaze softened a fraction, though he was a little confused by the relief there, too. As if she was happy he was telling her he'd dreamed about Dimeria. Because she was, Natsu realized a moment later. Not that he'd dreamed about Dimeria, but because he'd been willing to tell her anything about what he was dreaming. He felt sick again at the thought. Once, it had been instinctive to tell her, and now it was almost as hard as the idea of going through the dozen boxes in his attic, full of Igneel's things.
"Well," she said, "you're not now." She rose to her feet, brushing herself off. "And Dimeria won't be coming anywhere near us anytime soon from the sounds of it." She smiled brightly at him, an attempt at comforting him that only cleaved his heart in two.
He missed the Lucy that he remembered, which only made him feel worse about the way he spoke with the one before him - about the way he'd lied to her, and she'd accepted that lie simply because she was grateful he'd trusted her enough to tell her.
Natsu wished she'd remember like he did.
Immediately, he wanted to slap himself. He didn't. That was the last thing he wanted, simply because he didn't want to put Lucy through the horror of struggling to figure herself out. From what he'd heard from Gray...it hadn't been pleasant for her in the end. She'd described that emptiness of realizing he'd been gone, and he didn't want her to remember it. He didn't want her to even consider that it could happen again when he'd vowed to make sure it didn't.
He didn't want her to remember, even if it shattered what they might have been able to be.
The sunbeam coming in through the gross, dirty window in the attic was bright and warm in the otherwise cold attic. Dust motes floated, and Natsu thought it was admittedly rather lovely to look at. Much nicer to look at than all the boxes that remained after Gajeel and Wendy had worked together to sort through their own parents' things.
Wendy had found a few things she'd kept - some old jewelry containing eerily large white feathers, some china, some big quilt that had been made for Wendy by Grandeeney. Wendy had cried herself to sleep upon finding that quilt, according to Gajeel, and it had been what brought their youngest cousin comfort in the last few months, in which Natsu had sorted himself out.
And then there'd been Metaliana's stuff, which Gajeel had said was mostly junk. But there had been a few treasures hidden away in the mess, and one evening, when Wendy was staying the night at a friend's, Gajeel had shown Natsu what he'd found: heavy masses of iron-like metal, which upon closer inspection had resembled teeth. Natsu had known instinctively what they were and had felt something in him crack with relief; it had been proof, the only proof they'd seen, that magic really had existed, that it had been real.
Because those had been nothing less than dragon teeth.
It was what had dragged him up now, to sort through the boxes Igneel had never let him see.
With a heavy breath, Natsu forced himself to grab the first box and drag it over.
The first was fairly useless, full of weird junk like old clothes. Natsu had created a few different piles, sorting out what to keep, what to throw out, and what to donate.
The second box held pictures of them all, and Natsu simply shoved the entire box into the keep pile, vowing to sort them out later so he could give them away to those they should be with. Wendy would appreciate the ones of Grandeeney, Sting of his father, Rogue of his. Gajeel would likely appreciate the ones of Metalicana, too.
The third box was junk, just as it was labeled in Igneel's messy handwriting. The fourth and fifth were more clothes.
The sixth box was a goldmine.
"Huh," muttered Natsu aloud as he dragged it into his lap and pried it open. It was heavy, heavier than all the others, and he peered curiously into its innards. It was a lot of wrapped things - things that were supposedly fragile, or needed to be protected from the mess of dust that had since covered everything. Natsu grabbed the first item and unwrapped it without hesitation. He furrowed his brow at what he found. A smaller box that contained receipts when he opened that. He pulled a few out, peering at them. Antique stores? Not entirely unusual. The Igneel who'd raised him in this life had liked old things.
But what really caught his attention was a receipt he nearly missed. "Why were you giving things to Levy's museum?" he muttered, cocking his head and wishing that he'd brought Gajeel up there with him. Gajeel might have had some suggestions, but he was finishing up a class's finals, and didn't have time for this type of thing. Besides, the other two had done it on their own, so Natsu felt as if he should, too.
So, Natsu made a new pile, to look into later. He removed the next few items, which were even more odd than the receipts. He blinked, furrowing his brow at the series of rocks that he dumped onto the floor of the attic, all volcanic. He snorted at some objects that made no sense to him, but must have meant something to Igneel.
His fingers faltered when he found a certificate, stating that Igneel was his official legal guardian. He swallowed thickly as he traced his fingers over Igneel's signature, fighting back the burning in the back of his eyes. He didn't remember the day that Igneel had found him. He wished he could though; he wished he could thank Igneel again and again for choosing him, just as he wished he could finish the conversation they'd never had in that last life.
The next item he pulled out was unexpected.
It was light despite its shocking size, having taken up a good amount of space in the box by itself, and wrapped with more care than anything else in there. He cocked his head, unwrapping it.
Natsu's mouth went dry and the world spun around him.
Grandeeney had left her daughter a series of feathers, feathers Wendy might never understand; similarly, Metalicana had left his son his own teeth, though how he'd found them was absolutely bewildering.
Igneel had left Natsu a scarf.
Natsu couldn't fight back the tears that gathered and spilled over his cheeks as he gently drew the scarf up to his face, couldn't breathe as he realized that the scarf was made up of soft scales. His lips twitched into a crooked, broken smile as he felt the softness of them. How the hell Igneel had found his own scales, had crafted such a precious item, knowing what it would mean for his son...Natsu wasn't sure. The scarf didn't radiate warmth as they once had, but Natsu didn't mind.
He placed it gingerly in his lap and rubbed his hands down his face, swiping at the tears that had fallen. Muttering under his breath, Natsu peered into the box with curiosity, wanting to see what else there was. He furrowed his brow when he found a simple envelope. Curious, he pulled it out and paused when he saw who it was addressed to.
Natsu.
Fingers trembling, Natsu hastily ripped into it, careful not to rip the envelope itself, and placed that atop the scarf before focusing on the letter he'd found within.
Natsu, it read at the top.
Magic may no longer exist in this world, but the proof that it once did remains. Remember the mistakes that were made in its name, just as I did when I first saw you, and remember those who supported you when you needed them. They may not be who they once were, but find comfort in them, just as they will find comfort in you.
Do not look for what has moved on. It will be your downfall, as it was ours.
Igneel
Natsu blinked, frowning at the warning Igneel had written. Shrugging and figuring he'd figure it out at a later time, however, he put the letter back in its envelope and set it aside, focusing on his scarf. He stroked the material for a moment, and then gently wrapped it around his neck.
For what felt like the first time since he'd woken up after Dimeria's attack at the bakery, Natsu felt like he could breathe. He founded himself more grounded, clear-headed. He knew exactly who he was, what his life now was. Maybe he wasn't the Natsu he'd been before he'd remembered, but he wasn't the Natsu of the past either. He was simply Natsu.
Just as Igneel had been simply Igneel, and had known his son well enough to realize that he'd find himself lost when he remembered.
Natsu took a shaken breath, gripping the scaled material in his white-knuckled fist. Do not look for what has moved on. It will be our downfall, as it was ours. Natsu's gaze slid to the pile of receipts instinctively, curious. What the hell was that supposed to mean? he wondered as he grabbed a few, flipping through them until he found another from the museum. His fingers stilled as he noted what had been sold.
For a rather big chunk of money, Igneel had sold a ring of golden and silver keys to the museum before Natsu had even been an idea in his head. Lucy's ring of keys, undoubtedly. When Natsu found another, it told him Igneel had sold a few sets of armor once belonging to a historical figure Fiore had dubbed Titania.
Do not look for what has moved on.
Magic. Igneel had been looking for magic. Natsu sat back, confused. Sure, he'd wondered since remembering where magic had gone...but he'd not had the desire to really go looking, not like that. Not when Lucy was here and oblivious to it. It hadn't even occurred to Natsu to actually go looking for a physical source of magic.
But Igneel had. And it had somehow killed him.
Unnerved, Natsu placed everything but the scarf back in the box and rose to his feet, stumbling a little on numb legs. He swore and shook them out, scowling.
Do not look for what has moved on.
Natsu got the feeling that he'd stumbled upon something he wanted nothing to do with.
"Why is it," grumbled Natsu as he pushed his way into the Heartfilia Bakery, grateful once more that Lucy had ensured the bell on the door was removed not long after things had gone so badly, "that every time I turn around, there is a storm." Sure enough, the second he spoke, the wind nearly ripped the door out of his hands, and he struggled to catch it, even as it slapped him sharply in the face. He yelped, and he heard a gasp of his name a moment before Yukino was there, wrestling the door shut with him.
The pair stood there for a couple of heartbeats, catching their breath. Natsu was grateful he'd knotted Igneel's scarf around his neck rather than just wrapping it as he usually did. After he'd succeeded, Natsu cracked a crooked smile and greeted, "Hey, Yukino."
"Hi, Natsu," giggled Yukino, looking amused. She hummed as she made her way back over to the counter, wincing when thunder cracked loud enough to make them all jump. "This is one hell of a storm, isn't it?"
"Yeah, sure is." Natsu rubbed the back of his head and then fixed his hair as best as he could. Unknotting his scarf and fixing it, he asked, "Is Lucy in?" He wanted to show her the scarf, and found that it didn't bother him as much as he'd have thought. Actually...with the scarf on, he felt steadier overall. With Igneel's last words to him - a goodbye, of sorts, he supposed - he felt better about everything, and felt that for the first time since he'd woken up after being shot...he could look at Lucy. He could look at her and not see a fake Lucy, or the past Lucy. Just...Lucy.
"I think she's in the back office," said Yukino, passing him a muffin she'd pulled from the cabinet. She grabbed one for herself and began nibbling at it, troubled. Natsu paused, studying her. She looked a little distressed, as if something was really bothering her.
"Hey," he said carefully. "You good?"
"Yes, I suppose, I just…" Yukino furrowed her brow. "I don't know. My head's been hurting. I feel like there's something in the back of my mind, that I'm just barely able to grasp. But every time I manage to get a good grip on it, it's just...it's gone, and there's nothing I can do to get it back. But then it circles around again, and-" She shook her head. "It's just...very, very frustrating."
Natsu felt a little ill, stomach curling at the idea of someone else remembering like he had. So, he said with a small shrug, "It'll come back if it's meant to come back, leave it be otherwise, or you'll be sitting there for the next few hours with a migraine."
Yukino nodded with a sigh. "I suppose. Thanks." She tore a good-sized bite out of her muffin. "Anyways, you can go back and see Lucy if you want. She's just sorting out some finances. She got an offer from Crocus - not that I know what the offer was." She waved it off.
Natsu thanked her and went to do just that, frowning. An offer from Crocus…? What kind of offer had she gotten from Crocus?
Shrugging to himself, Natsu meandered through the bakery and slid into the back. He found the back office door with ease and knocked before he entered. Lucy had gotten onto him about doing so once or twice before Dimeria.
As Yukino had said, Lucy was there. She was bent over her desk, frowning at some papers before her. She glanced up, however, when she heard him enter, and even offered a broad smile in greeting. Natsu didn't smile back; there were heavy shadows beneath her eyes. She'd not slept the night before.
Lucy said nothing about it, however, and instead gestured to her paperwork with a huff. "Someone from Crocus offered to buy out my bakery and turn it into a chain thing, but I don't think it's a good idea." She leaned back in her chair, putting her chin on her closed fist. A huff escaped her, annoyance flickering across her features. "So I told them no, and they fired back a response that was not only more money, but kind of threatening."
Natsu scowled. "I could tell Mira."
Lucy grinned, the stress melting away a fraction. "Thank you, but unnecessary. I'll tell them no again, and if they keep pushing, I'll ask the police to do something about it. The Heartfilia Bakery is mine, and I don't intend to turn around and sell it. For one, I have a lot of regulars, and I would never throw my employees to the wolves like that." She spun around, sinking further down. "So, Natsu, what can I do for you today?"
The smile that flashed tiredly over her features made something warm swell in his chest, but he pushed it down and instead unwound his scarf from around his neck. He gently offered it to her, not missing the way she froze and stared at it, eyes puzzled. "I looked through Igneel's stuff today and...I found some stuff. He left me this, and a letter. I just...I don't know, wanted to tell you."
Lucy didn't take the scarf right away, instead narrowing her eyes suspiciously at it. But, after a hesitant sigh, she reached out and snagged it with care, running her fingers over the material with curiosity evident in her eyes. "What's it made of?" she asked, fingering one of the ends.
"I don't know," he lied. She scowled at him, knowing immediately, but he pretended not to notice. When she handed it back, he quickly wound it around his neck again and curled his fingers in one end, grinning as he looked down at the scales. "I know he disappeared and turned up dead, but…"
Lucy's gaze softened. "He made sure that you'd have something before he did."
"Yeah." Natsu gave a curt nod, tightening his fingers before dropping his hand entirely. "I used to think…" He faltered, very aware that he'd not really talked with Lucy like this in months. But he pushed onwards, determined. He wanted to share with her, even if she wasn't the Lucy from his past life. "Well, Gajeel used to think that they just dumped us and ran off. I don't think he ever really thought it was true, but he was angry. He blamed 'em for what happened afterwards. But I used to wait for Igneel to come back for me." His fingers tightened in the scaled scarf.
"Natsu," murmured Lucy sympathetically, but he ignored her and pushed on.
"I thought if I waited long enough, he'd come back and we'd go home. We'd see Gajeel and Wendy like we always did and all six of us would go to get food where we always did on Saturdays, when they were all off work. But then this happened," he tapped his neck, fingers brushing the thick scar, "and I realized he wasn't coming back. I loved him, but maybe what Gajeel said was right. He left me, and didn't bother to think what would happen after." Lucy remained quiet, her eyes intent as she watched him, listening with her full attention. "It's just...nice to know he didn't leave and forget about me. He thought about me the entire time."
Lucy's eyes were glowing, he thought, his lie forgotten. She looked relieved to hear that he was telling her such things, and it reminded him yet again just how bad he'd been as of late about simply talking to her. He was surprised when she said, "You know, I felt similarly when my mother died." Natsu's attention sharpened; Lucy rarely ever mentioned her mother. "I was much younger than I was when my father died. I was confused, and would question the staff where she was. They lied to me; they told me she'd merely gone away. My father eventually snapped at me and told me she wasn't coming back, period. End of discussion." She cocked her head, frowning. "I know he was probably hurting, too, but still."
Natsu blinked, realizing what she'd just offered. He'd told her something, so she'd told him. An arrangement he quite liked, actually. And one that really showed how happy she was to hear from him.
After a moment of studying her, Natsu cleared his throat and, fully aware that he was creating an odd shift of conversation, said, "Do...do you want to hang out this evening?"
She merely smiled as brightly as the sun, her dark eyes shining with warmth. "I have to meet Jellal, but yes. I'd like that a lot, Natsu."
He opened his mouth, closed it, and then rasped, "Would you come finish sorting through Igneel's stuff with me?"
Her smile widened. "Of course."
Natsu couldn't help but smile back.
Ooooh, what's this? Natsu has a scarf again, and a new one at that? And dragon parts? I can't wait for you all to see where this is now going. ;)
Thanks to reviewers (Meow Orbit, stranger1999, LoveYourWork, Lodemai04, madaraswife, Guest #1, nkukurichan, UchidaAkira, FairyTailxFanGirl, BeautifulSamurai, SantaKitty, and snickiebear!) as well as those who favorited and followed!
