They stood, single file, in the main hangar, anxiously awaiting the Emperor's shuttle. Butch stood completely still, not wanting to upset Lord Vader, who was standing right in front of them. Mack was shifting from left to right impatiently.
"Man, what the hell's takin' him so long?" he whispered to Cody, who was twitching his left leg every now and then.
"I dunno, man, but I've got an itch."
Mack starred at his friend through his helmet in horror. "You've got an itch? Now?"
Cody nodded nervously as he desperately tried to itch his leg from the outside of his plastic armor. No such luck. Mack grabbed his blaster out of its holster and handed it to him quietly.
"Now, if you aim right, you should be able to shoot the itch away." He said silently. Cody looked at him like he was some sort of moron and continued twitching his leg. Mack shrugged and put the weapon away.
Butch still stood there, eying Lord Vader carefully as to not screw up in front of him. His itchy friend, however, was so desperate to get relief from the pain that he knew he needed to act fast. He slowly raised his hand.
"Wha-?" the Sith lord muttered, surprised. "I've never seen a Storm Trooper show any sign of independence or originality before. What is it that you want? Something important, I assume?"
Cody looked down at his white-armored feet and quietly said, "Well…my Lord, um…can I go and, um…" He swallowed hard. "itch my leg?"
Darth Vader looked shocked once again and maybe even a little bit insulted. He rose his hand to Force-choke the trooper when another general responded, "Yes, CK421, you may go…itch your leg."
Cody let out a sigh of relief, thanked the general (who, soon after, got choked to death by Vader), and left to the Armor Wash to scratch his poor leg. When he returned nearly ten minutes later he saw each and every Storm trooper still standing in single file, incredibly tired.
Cody walked back to his spot to see Mack collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. Butch was still standing there, trying to be the perfect trooper, but Cody could tell even he was getting tired.
"Where the hell is he?" called a trooper in the back. Vader gave a nod to a nearby general who pulled out a thermal detonator and threw it in the back. The explosion was pretty intense and the added blood effect worked like a charm. From then on, nobody dared to do as much as cough.
Finally, a small jingle came from Lord Vader's pocket. Vader looked up suddenly and said, embarrassed, "Um, I'll get that."
He pulled out his hologram device from his pocket and pressed the talk button. "Whoever you are, hurry up," he stated crudely. "You're wasting my minutes."
"Silence, Lord Vader!" cried the voice on the other end. Soon a hologramic image appeared of the evil Emperor Palpatine.
"I'm afraid to inform you, Lord Vader, that I will not be able to attend the meeting today." He said nonchalantly. "My shuttle just crashed into an asteroid and I'm stuck in this escape pod."
"What did you do to the pilot that crashed you?" Vader asked.
"I was going to spare him but then figured 'Who gives a damn?' and Forced-choked him." He laughed. He then regained his composure and said, "So, yeah, you do not need to wait for me anymore."
A huge wave of groans filled the hangar as the troopers began walking out. "Man, what a friggen waste of time!" Mack complained as they walked out. He checked the clock in the hall for the time. They began waiting at 9:00 am and it was already 2:45!
"Man, you know what?" he said. "That Palpatine sure owes us a lot! One of these days I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!"
"Yeah, and he's gonna fry it with his lighting fingers." Cody laughed. "Now there's somethin' I would pay to see…"
"I could've gotten your show from Jordo by now," complained Mack. "We should do that now. C'mon guys."
Soon they were outside a room with a ridiculously-drawn "All Mortals, Jedi, and Gungans Keep Out!" sign taped on the door. Cody knocked on the door.
"Enter…if you DARE!"
Mack rolled his eyes and pushed the door open. There, sitting on the floor in his underwear, was Jordo. He was sitting in the dark with the radio turned on elevator music and sipping lemonade. Scattered all throughout the floor was old issues of TV Guide and crinkled up Dixie cups. Butch and Cody starred in shock at the disaster, but Mack simply walked in and said, "Hey, Jordo, can you help us out with somethin'?"
"Hm…well I guesh it all dependsh on what it ish." The mentaly challenged trooper responded in his distinct lisp.
"Did you, by any chance, tape A Wookie in Toledo last night?" Cody asked.
"Oh, yesh. Yeeeesh! The sheashon finale. Yesh, that wash a good one, no? I cried so hard when the wookiesh fajah shaid he wash really from Alderaan and…"
"Do you have it Jordo?" Cody interrupted. The sick trooper regained his composure (or at least what he had of it in the beginning) and went off to a huge file cabinet up against his wall. He opened a drawer marked 'W' and flipped through the files.
"What show?" he asked. Cody looked at Mack in disbelief and answered, "Um…A Wookie in Toledo?"
"What sheason?"
"Uh, season…four I think?"
"What epishode?"
"The last one…23 I think."
Finally Jordo smiled and pulled out a large tan folder. He opened it and continued his questions.
"VHSh or DVD format?" he asked.
"Uh, I'll take DVD I guess."
"Wideshcreen or Full?"
"Wide please."
"Two dishc shpecial edition or one?"
Mack slapped him in the back of the head and grabbed the DVD. "Geez, Jordo, we wanted an episode, not a full-length motion picture!"
The movie collector shrugged. "Well, shome people want shpecial modivicationsh done and I've gotta be prepared for anything they want in good quality TV showsh."
"Alright, well, thanks, buddy." Mack said. "We'll be leaving now."
Jordo's eyes widened as his visitors approached the door. "Wait!" he cried out. "I haven't had vishitorsh in shuch a long time. Uh…you guysh wanna play Dungeonsh and Dragonsh with me?"
And on that happy note, the trio opened the door and walked away, leaving poor Jordo alone, in the dark, in his underwear, with his lemonade and elevator music.
"Man, that guy needs to get out more often." Cody thought out loud.
"Tell me about…poor guy," Mack started. "He was found by Jawas half naked in the middle of the Dune Sea." He leaned in to whisper in Cody's ear. "Rumor has it that the Sarlaac found him before they did and it abused him…sexually." The two troopers cringed.
"Have you guys noticed how Vader gives this sort of…aura whenever he walks by?" Butch asked, as if in a daze.
"That's the dark side, dude." Mack responded. "It kind of surrounds him. That's why he's the boss and we're the low-lives. If we don't like something he does all we can do is complain. If he doesn't like something we do…he Force-chokes us."
"Yeah…" Butch said. "Did you see the way he choked that general today? Wow he's amazing…"
Cody gave his roommate a sick look. "Cody what's with all this 'Oh my God I love Darth Vader' talk?"
Butch's eyes darted every which way as he exclaimed, "I don't love Lord Vader, our supreme ruler and master. What gave you that idea? Leave me alone!" And with that, Butch ran away, leaving Mack and Cody standing in the hall, dazed and confused. Mack leaned over again and whispered, "If I were you, I'd make him move out ASAP."
"Oh, come on." His friend responded. "I'm sure he's just tired after standing around for six and a half hours for the Emperor."
"Sure…that's what the producer of Queer Hand of Alderaan thought."
"Well, I may as well go watch this episode. I've wanted to watch it all day."
Before Mack and Cody reached their room, however, another voice boomed over the loud speaker.
"ATTENTION ALL UNITS! ATTENTION ALL UNITS! THOSE TROOPERS ON THE BOARD OF EVIL PLEASE REPORT TO THE MEETING ROOM IMMEDIATELY! I REPEAT: ALL TROOPERS ON THE BOARD OF EVIL REPORT TO THE MEETING ROOM IMMEDIATELY! THANK YOU!"
Cody moaned. "I'm on the Board of Evil. I'll have to catch up with you later, Mack."
"Why did you join that retarded board anyways?" his friend asked. "It's showing that you support everything the Emperor does. And we all know that nobody supports the Emperor."
"Why do you hate him so much?" Cody asked, taking out the clipboard from his room.
"First of all, he's pure evil and would gladly kill us all. I mean…that's worse than Bush."
Cody gave him a look of disbelief. "Don't push it."
"Second, he gives us this pointless armor, third he doesn't give us dental, forth he says that he gets a botox every month but…have you seen that guy?"
Cody laughed. "Whatever," he said, walking away to the meeting room. "Hey, I'll see ya at dinner alright?"
"Yeah, if you don't get killed by Turtle-Face first!" his friend laughed in return.
Yeah so, um, misknowner: I support Bush and...almost everything he does, but an "Emperor/John Kerry" joke wouldn't be nearly as funny:)
