21: Tepid Bath
"We are going to get in a lot of trouble and you know it." Langenscheidt peered outside Klink's bathroom door, then glanced over his shoulder at Kielholz undressing.
"As long as nobody finds out, we'll be okay." Kielholz unbuckled his belt. "I need a warm bath and no one is going to stop me."
"You know, we could have gone to your brother's—"
"He's on duty right now, so he isn't home."
"Didn't he give us a set of keys a while back?"
"It would take too long to get the leave pass." Kielholz turned off the bathtub faucet and put his hand in the water. "Perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. Just right." He climbed inside, giving a contented moan. "Ohh, this is perfect, Karl."
"I'm glad you're enjoying it," Langenscheidt muttered.
"You should do this as well, someday."
"I'm good, thank you." Langenscheidt's heart skipped a beat when he heard a British man's voice from outside.
"…I remember seeing the briefcase under the dining room table last night," Newkirk was saying.
"I don't see it," Colonel Hogan replied. "Check everywhere, and remember we don't have a lot of time."
"Damn it, what are the prisoners doing in here?!" Langenscheidt hissed.
"I don't know, but they can't see us," Kielholz replied.
Langenscheidt closed the curtains. "Don't make a sound! I'll… pretend to clean."
"Why are you worried about them anyway? They won't tell Klink we were here."
"I don't want to know anything about this briefcase they're after, otherwise they will tell Klink to make us shut up, and then we'll be in deep—"
"Colonel, do you hear voices?" LeBeau asked.
"Yeah," Hogan replied, "it sounds like—"
"Kielholz and Langenscheidt. Bloody brilliant," Newkirk sighed.
"How are we supposed to do anything with them here?" LeBeau said.
"Why are they here in the first place? Klink had his quarters cleaned yesterday."
"I suppose we're going to find out." Hogan's footsteps got closer to the bathroom door.
"Oh, Colonel, if they're in the bathroom, do we really want to know what's going on in there?" Newkirk asked.
Hogan opened the door, seeing a shocked and embarrassed Langenscheidt standing just behind it. Langenscheidt gave him a huge but nervous grin. "Hello, Colonel."
Hogan raised an eyebrow. "Hello, Langenscheidt. What are you two doing in here?"
"Nothing."
Kielholz poked his head out from behind the curtain. "I wanted a warm bath. It's been awfully dry in the barracks and it's done nothing for my throat since the surgery."
"Please don't tell Klink about this. I tried convincing Erich this was a bad idea—"
"This is not a bad idea as long as we don't get caught!"
"Well, we've just been caught!"
Hogan gave them both a look. "How long is it going to take you to do this?"
"To bathe? I don't know," Kielholz replied. "I'm just sitting here. You can go about your business, Hogan."
"Do you want me to tell Klink you were here, using his tub?"
"How would you know we were here unless you were here as well? How are you going to explain that to him?"
Langenscheidt gave Kielholz a shocked look. "Erich, don't speak to Hogan like that."
"I'm right, though, aren't I?"
"Yes, but he is still an officer."
"He does have a point, Langenscheidt." Hogan grinned a little. "Alright, you win. We won't say anything to Klink. Enjoy your bath."
When Hogan and the others left the bathroom, Kielholz gave Langenscheidt a look best described as smug. "I outsmarted the great, clever Colonel Hogan."
"Don't let it go to your head," Langenscheidt muttered.
Both of them thought that would be the end of it when they left Klink's quarters. It wasn't until shortly after Colonel Klink returned from his trip in Hammelburg that their little bathroom adventure came back to bite them. They were on their way to the mess hall when Klink approached them, looking displeased.
"Corporal Kielholz, Corporal Langenscheidt!" he said.
"Yes, sir?" Langenscheidt replied.
"Why were you in my quarters earlier this morning?"
Kielholz's face reddened. "Um… we weren't in your quarters this morning, Colonel."
"Really? Sergeant Schultz says otherwise."
Langenscheidt didn't remember seeing Schultz anywhere around Klink's quarters. They checked and double-checked to make sure Schultz or guards like Corporal Fleischer hadn't been watching, otherwise they wouldn't have attempted it.
Klink glared at both of them. "I am used to lying from the prisoners, but not from my own guards. Now, what were you doing in my quarters?"
"Just tell him the truth," Langenscheidt grumbled, elbowing Kielholz in the ribs.
Kielholz grunted at him. "I was using your bath, sir."
"You have your own showers, Corporal," Klink said, his displeasure quickly turning to disgust.
"Too cold. It's been too dry in the barracks and it hasn't been helping my recovery from having my tonsils out."
"My quarters are not a spa, Corporal. As punishment, you both will thoroughly clean my bathroom, under Schultz's supervision. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir." Kielholz kicked a rock when Klink turned to walk away. "Schultz wasn't around! We checked!"
Langenscheidt glanced toward Barracks Two, seeing a familiar lopsided smirk in one of the windows. "I don't think he was, but someone else. Someone who's rather close with Schultz."
"Are you saying Hogan told Klink without directly telling Klink?"
"I am." Langenscheidt patted Kielholz's shoulder. "Sorry, Erich, you didn't outsmart Hogan this time."
