The Anatomy of Love

Written By: Banana007

Chapter 29: Do I Wanna Know?


Although they sat side by side in the car, it seemed as if they sat miles apart from each other. It felt as if there was a great chasm between them and the music Kakashi played wasn't enough to bridge that space.

Sakura kept her gaze trained on her window, watching the trees flit by and the stray cats dart through bushes. She counted the number of stop signs they passed and the streetlights they halted at. And since they were near a school, there were many times they had to stop, prolonging the car ride for far longer than she'd expected.

With a sigh, Sakura leaned her chin against the heel of her palm to stare out her window and let the colors of the streetlights dance across her face.

Red... green... orange... Red... green... orange... Red... green... orange...

On her left, Kakashi shifted in his seat before making a turn at the same street corner Professor Iruka had pointed out to her. The one where he'd claimed drug dealers and prostitutes did their business and threatened to kill anyone who so much as looked at them.

But whereas Professor Iruka had easily divulged to her the details of his childhood and growing up on these streets, Kakashi remained silent. Sakura responded with her own silence, letting the tension between them simmer beneath the rhythmic bass of the song playing between them.

She remembered the last time she'd sat in this car with him driving her home. Things had been very different back then—so much more simple and yet complicated all the same. It was stupid of her to think that a little confession on her part would lead to smooth sailing of their little ship. No, instead, admitting her attraction to Kakashi had only taken their little ship onto rough, choppy waters that threatened to drown the both of them.

The car gently rolled to a stop at another red light and Sakura chanced a peek at him. From the corner of her eye, he had one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand propped beneath his chin with his elbow resting against the door. With the red light washing over Kakashi's face, he appeared almost as exhausted and doleful as her.

She watched as he dropped his right hand from the wheel to grip that gear stick now. His thumb tapped against the knob, not in time to the beat of the song but distractedly; the only sign of his own impatience. Otherwise, his face was a mask of stoicism as usual.

And yet it felt like just yesterday he had his hand on the gear stick and his pinky resting atop of her bare knee.

Unexpectedly, it was Kakashi who broke the tension first.

"I wasn't able to tell you earlier but... you look beautiful tonight," he murmured against the knuckles of his free hand.

His weary gaze remained trained on the streetlight before them, but Sakura felt as if his entire attention was solely on her.

She swallowed lightly. "Did you also tell that to your journalist friend at the bar this morning?"

There was a beat, and then much to her surprise, "No."

The sincerity in that one word was enough for her to release a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Just like that, her heart began to swell with hope even as she was left dazed by Kakashi's sudden candor.

Why would he tell her that? He had no reason to compliment her looks unless it was to make her feel good. Didn't he know what a compliment like that did to a girl? Especially one who'd always been bullied for her looks for almost her entire childhood?

But Kakashi never really gave her the impression of a man who liked to flirt with every pretty lady. Come to think of it, she never really saw him flirting with people. It had always been the women (and even the occasional man) who flirted with him.

Which meant that Kakashi either didn't know how to actually flirt, or what rare compliments he did give were always genuine and not for the sake of flirting...

Ahhh, she had no idea which was it! He was impossible to read but even she could pick up on the honesty in his voice as he'd praised her beauty. In fact, Kakashi was the only man in Sakura's life who'd ever called her beautiful—twice now. While Sakura didn't need his validation, it had still been nice to hear. Especially when she'd always been the pretty girl of the group, but never cool like Tenten, beautiful like Hinata, or sexy like Ino.

No, just pretty and nothing more... except to Kakashi.

Biting her lip, Sakura gingerly pried her legs apart, eyeing that hand on the gear stick as her knee inched closer, and closer, and closer to it.

She didn't know what compelled her to do it this time the same way she didn't know what compelled her to do it the last time. To see if she'd chipped at his walls just enough for him to drop them entirely? She didn't know what she was doing anymore, but she just wanted to know if at least this would still work.

Oh so gently, she let her knee settle against his pinky finger.

Just like before, that little spark of contact seemed to light up all the nerves in that leg. All other sensations faded away so that Sakura could feel only the one inch of warmth between them.

Strangling the strap of her seatbelt, she waited for Kakashi to answer her silent question by lifting his pinky and settling it back home over her knee. His thumb had stopped its tapping, but he didn't budge. It was like they were frozen in time, and that one second seemed to crawl for an eternity before the light flashed green.

He cleared his throat and shifted gears, tearing his hand away from Sakura's knee and leaving her question hanging in the air and disappointment settling low in her stomach.

When the car finally arrived at the side of her apartment complex, Kakashi switched off the ignition, letting a stiff quietude fill up the car space. For a long while, neither of them said a word. They just sat there in the shadows, the both of them staring out their respective windows. Maybe to gather their strength to speak or maybe to find the right words to say.

For Sakura, her mind remained a blank slate. She was too much a whirlwind of emotions right now—tired, disappointed, pissed, sad, but most of all she was relieved. She wasn't even sure where this relief came from but with it was followed by a bit of resignation.

Beside her, Kakashi heaved a loud sigh and Sakura braced herself for the lecture he must've finished putting together.

"Miss Haruno, you deserve to have your first time be special."

For a second, Sakura was at a loss for words. That hadn't exactly been the lecture she'd expected.

Slowly, she turned away from her window and to Kakashi. The shadows cast a dark, somewhat grim visage over his otherwise blasé expression as he stared back at her.

"Not everyone gets to enjoy their youth," Kakashi added upon seeing her puzzled face. "You still have all the time in the world to find your special person. Someone you can truly enjoy your first time with."

But it was those words that poked at the dying embers of Sakura's rage, feeding it back to life with a roar.

Not everyone gets to enjoy their youth? Well, he was damn right about that! How could she enjoy her youth when her parents were on the other side of the world and acting like she didn't exist? How could she enjoy her youth when she still had yet to figure out what she wanted to be for the rest of her life? How could she enjoy her youth when every boy who ever showed an interest in her always found some way to leave her hanging?

And how could she enjoy her youth when a damn marriage contract held her against her will while a certain Anatomy professor kept playing chicken with her?!

Sakura snapped.

"It's hard to find that special someone when you seem very keen on defending my virtue, Professor Hatake!" she spat out. "Which I find strange, if a little creepy, because you apparently don't care about my feelings in any of this!"

Kakashi seemed taken aback—even somewhat offended—by her venomous accusation. Slowly, his brows drew together. "Of course I care about your feelings," he tried to reassure her, but Sakura would have none of it.

"Then why did you tell me that you're moving on with that journalist?!"

"Because I care more about your safety."

"Oh, that's right—because you're a bad man," she air quoted, "and I'll end up getting hurt if I'm with you. But that woman's not in danger if you're with her?!"

Kakashi scrubbed a hand down his face as if to wipe away his building frustration. "You and Sakae grew up in two completely different eras. She grew up in wartime while you grew up in peace. There's a difference between how she sees the world and how you see it."

"Oh, so I am just a naïve little girl then?!" Sakura scoffed at his logic. "What? Because I haven't gone through enough shit in my life?! Because I'm not as cynical as you?!"

"You're not listening to me—"

"Why should I when all you've done lately is lie?" she demanded, watching Kakashi flinch in response. "What do you think is going to happen if you kiss me? That I'll drop dead?!"

Sure, she was very innocent and inexperienced in the matters of sex and romance, but she wasn't so fragile that she'd faint from so much as a kiss! But because of her petite size and youthful appearance, it seemed every adult was adamant in treating her like glass—or worse, with kid gloves.

But for Kakashi, he seemed scared to touch her for an entirely different reason. Like he thought his touch was poison.

"Sakura, you don't know of the things I've done," he said with a sad shake of his head.

'On one of his last missions, Kakashi... he made an innocent but grave mistake that cost him the lives of his whole team,' Professor Iruka's words echoed in her head.

But with only one small piece of a very large puzzle, Sakura still had no idea what Kakashi was talking about.

"How can I know when you refuse to tell me?" she pleaded with him, but Kakashi's jaw stubbornly remained wound shut. "Ugh, you're so... infuriating! You keep pushing me away but then the next thing I know you're pulling me in and..." choking up on her words, Sakura bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. But the tears were already racing hot down her cheeks and she quickly looked away. "A-And making me feel things for you! And it's confusing me! And I'm only crying because I'm mad, by the way!" she said through her sniffles.

With a sigh, Kakashi reached for the glovebox and withdrew a few wads of tissue for her to snatch away.

"After what happened with Mizuki, I'm just trying to keep you safe," he said while she blew her nose.

"You don't think I can do that myself?" Sakura retorted, offended that he thought she was too weak. It made her blood sizzle with anger and she crumpled the tissue in her hand. "I know how to defend myself now after your self-defense lessons. I don't need you anymore."

At least not in that way.

Kakashi's mouth straightened into a firm line of disappointment. "It's that kind of recklessness of yours that worries me. I grew up in wartime just like Sakae. You don't know what that's like—or what this neighborhood was once like. Mizuki was child's play compared to what girls like you had to suffer through back then. The first time you see a man pointing a gun at you or holding a knife to your body, you will freeze up. And if you think I'm the only war veteran walking these streets, you're wrong," he said, sweeping his gaze across the street before them as if expecting a veteran to pop up now, wild and waving a knife. "You don't know if the person passing you by on the street is a killer or a rapist. You don't know what trouble looks like until it's too late."

Sakura felt her cheeks puff. There it was again; that cynicism that often made her want to roll her eyes all the way to the back of her head.

"Is that why you want to protect me? Because you think I'm the kind to get into trouble?" she asked, seething in her seat while Kakashi continued to scan the streets for this so-called danger he was so insistent about. "How do you think I've been dealing with trouble for the past years before I met you? There was nobody to protect me then and I don't need anybody to protect me now. And I definitely don't need you to protect my virginity," she hissed more quietly at him in case of anyone walking by.

Kakashi shot her a dry look. "Bold words from someone who almost got drugged and raped by her own fitness instructor."

Bristling at that, Sakura sat up straighter in indignation. "But I didn't! Someone tipped Mizuki off to the FBI before he could touch me!"

"That's not the point!" Kakashi sharply admonished her. He grabbed the steering wheel, fingers wrapping it so tight that she could hear it creak. "If he had raped you, that would have been on me. That he almost did rape you is on me!"

Sakura frowned at his whitened knuckles, confused as to why Kakashi would think he was to blame for something he'd not been involved in. When she looked to him for clarification, she was astounded by the fear glinting bright in his eyes through the darkness. He remained focused on his hands that were still strangling the life out of the steering wheel, too caught up on his fear and frustration to notice her bewilderment.

"But it's also on you for trusting men too easily, Sakura," he continued to scold her harshly. "Now you think you can trust a guy you just met that you would let him fuck you on the first date? Haven't you learned your lesson? Or better yet, don't you have any self-respect?"

A mix of anger, shame, and embarrassment bloomed hot across Sakura's face. "W-Well, I'm sorry I'm not so cynical of everyone and everything like you are!" she defended herself. "But you wouldn't be complaining if it was you fucking me! That's why you came, isn't it?! You know you can't fuck your underage student, so you wanted to make sure no one else could!"

Kakashi met her outburst of anger with silent consternation. "I didn't come here for that. I came to make sure you were safe. To make sure nothing like Mizuki ever happened to you again." His jaw clenched when she crossed her arms in response. "Why can't you understand that all I want is to protect you?!"

"Because I don't need you to babysit me!" Sakura argued back. "I don't want you like that! I want... I just want you—exactly as you are!" That slight crinkle between his brows began to smoothen out until she added, "Besides, this is my life and if I want to fuck it up then I can and I will! Because it's my choice!"

An icy tension was already rolling off Kakashi's bunched shoulders and filling the car as he processed her words. She was really stirring the pot now, but Sakura couldn't take back those words now nor did she want to. She meant what she'd said. Every last word.

Kakashi's eyes had narrowed so that she could only slits of silver glinting like a chilled blade in the shadows. "So you're saying I should've just let Mizuki rape you?" he asked slowly, quietly.

"What?"

"Saying you should be allowed to fuck up your own life is what every young person says until they realize it's not what they want. What they truly want is the freedom to choose—agency. But would you still say that you should be allowed to fuck up your own life if it meant getting fucked by Mizuki? Are you saying you would've been okay with becoming his victim?" Kakashi demanded, his tone rebuking and his voice tempered cold.

"I... n-no, of course not."

He was already shaking his head. "You can't have it both ways. It's either you fuck up your own life and get fucked by him or take a page from my book and you play it safe—cynical. Choose."

Seeing Kakashi's anger brewing beneath his icy expression left Sakura at a loss for words briefly. More than that, she was still confused what he'd meant about letting Mizuki rape her. Why would he think he was responsible over something like that?

"L-Like I said: it's my life, my choice," Sakura decided to answer but really because she honestly had no idea how else to answer his question.

"Then if Mr. Suna had tried to kiss you or even touch you... would you have let him?" Kakashi pressed her. "Would you have let a boy you barely know—a boy you have no feelings for—take all your firsts? Would you be able to say when you're older that you don't regret having your first time be forgettable and meaningless?"

Well, when he phrased it like that, it really did sound like she had little to no respect for herself. But not wanting to admit how right he was, Sakura stubbornly raised her chin. "Why not? Virginity is overrated anyway so why should it matter how I lose it or to whom?"

It was a lie, of course. Admittedly, she was the kind of girl who did care whom she gave away her first kiss or first time to. She was the kind of girl who'd always hoped it would be romantic and fulfilling—an experience she could look back on with fondness and no regret.

She wasn't like Ino who could just make out with any cute boy they ran into at the club or rave. Nor was Sakura like Tenten who could have a fling with her crush. Maybe that was why Hinata had seen right through her lie and had warned her not to go on the date if she wasn't committed.

Even Kakashi wasn't so convinced as his gaze softened on her pouting face. "No, it does matter to you, doesn't it? You're the kind of girl who dreams of fairytale weddings with your prince charming and sharing all your firsts with your one true love."

"Well, what's wrong with that?!" Sakura bit back, humiliated that he was able to read her so easily like an open book.

"Nothing," Kakashi answered, much to her surprise. "But you're going to destroy your own hopes and dreams by throwing away all your precious firsts for Mr. Suna to have. You still have plenty of opportunities. Back in my day, many girls had their opportunities stolen from them by men like Mizuki," Kakashi added bitterly. "So you can't waste your chance. If you don't have feelings for him, then don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. How's the saying go? Good things come to those who are patient."

He made it sound so easy, but it was actually far from that.

With the cat out of the bag, Sakura dropped her gaze down to her hands clenched atop her lap, feeling more resigned than angry now. "What does any of that matter when you're the one throwing away all my hopes and dreams," she couldn't help but mutter.

Kakashi at least looked as equally defeated as her, if not more. "We can't... do this," he gently reminded her, his voice laced tight with what sounded like desperation. "I told you already."

"But you never told me why."

"Because we're teacher and student—"

"And I'm underage—but that's not the whole truth, is it?" Remembering Professor Iruka's vague hints of Kakashi's troubled past, Sakura raised her face and eyed the man in question. "I know there's much more to it than that. I know there's something else that's stopping you—something that scares you." Sakura unbuckled her seatbelt and twisted around in her seat to fully face Kakashi and the pain shining bright in his eyes. "Just talk to me. I'm giving you this chance now, so I'm begging you to give me a chance too."

She wanted to touch him—to reassure him that it was okay to tell her the truth and that she could handle it. But that mask of indifference he liked to wear remained in place.

Kakashi tried to disguise his own vexation with a crinkle of his eyes. "One day, you'll find someone far worthier of you. When that day comes, you'll be glad to leave me behind. You just have to be patient."

There was that word again: patient. This was the second time today an adult had told her to be patient and it was starting to get on Sakura's nerves.

She sat back in her seat, spiteful of the way everyone around her always seemed to treat her like a kid. "Now I know what you really think of me. I'm just a naïve little girl to you, aren't I?"

"I don't think you're naïve or a little girl. I think you're idealistic," Kakashi corrected her, his tone still carrying a strict edge but no longer reprimanding. "You have too much faith in people, Sakura. I've seen many others, young and bright-eyed like you, fall to their own idealism and grow up bitter and spiteful from it. They learn the hard way that the real world is just as cruel as the people who live in it. And the real world is just as cruel to girls like you, and especially when your parents aren't around to teach you, to protect you—"

"So what? You're trying to step up as my father?" Sakura made a face, disgusted by that notion. "Because fathers don't touch their daughters the way you would touch me."

"I'm not trying to be your father," Kakashi replied, shooting her an exasperated look. "I'm just..."

"You're just... what? Scared?"

"I'm just trying to protect you!" he snapped at her.

"Because I'm your student or because you failed to protect Rin?!" she snapped back.

But as soon as Sakura spoke that woman's name, she regretted it. She hadn't intended to use it against Kakashi, but she'd been dying to know who this woman was. Where was she now? Why did her name bring such pain to Kakashi that he had to cast his gaze down to his lap to hide it? Why did it make the thin, angry line of his mouth subside so that only the corners were turned down with grief?

"You thought I was her when you had your fever," Sakura felt obligated to explain as an apology of sorts. "Is that why you want to protect me? Because you think I'm her?"

Ever since the night of his fever, she'd always wondered about that in the back of her mind. A part of Sakura was too terrified to hear his answer, but she needed to rip that band-aid off. Maybe if he told her that he did see her as a replacement for Rin then it would be so much easier for her to move on from him.

"I want to protect you..." Kakashi's voice rasped out like that of a broken man, "because... I care about you," he confessed in a whisper, finally lifting his eyes to hers. Exhaustion lined the corners, aging him by years. His mask was chipping and it was clear just how weary he was of feigning indifference or putting up fake smiles to hide the cracks in his heart.

'He's scared to care again,' she remembered Professor Iruka explaining to her earlier.

It was strange to think that a man so normally lackadaisical but almost intimidating when need be... could be so emotionally frail. Beneath all those muscles and abs... beneath the mask he always wore... was a broken heart. Broken from what, Sakura wasn't sure, but she did know that someone whose heart had been broken would understandably be afraid to have it broken again.

Just as much as she was pissed with Kakashi, she also felt sorry for him.

"Look, I know you're scared—of what, I don't know exactly, but I'm truly sorry I was so caught up on my own feelings that I didn't consider yours," she admitted. "But you haven't made it any easier for me either. You lie to me—and to yourself—and I know you have good reasons for doing it, but I don't want to be protected like that! I want you to let me handle the truth no matter how painful it is for the both of us. But what really angers me is that you won't give me a chance. You won't give me any chance because you think I'm too weak to handle all your bullshit!"

Kakashi's shoulders slumped in distress. "It's not that I think you're weak," he tried to explain, frowning as if speaking now caused him more pain. "It's that you're too hopeful. You're young and inexperienced. It's very easy for someone like you to have all these hopes and dreams—at the beginning. At the beginning, you'll do your best to shoulder all my burdens. At the beginning, you'll be strong about it. But over time, you'll come to regret it—you'll come to regret me, and the burden that I have become to you. And then once you're older and you look back on your youth, you'll realize how much of a mistake I was to you. I'll be one of the biggest regrets of your life and you'll grow up bitter and spiteful of it—of me."

Twisting around in his seat, Kakashi lifted a hand towards her. Sakura's breath froze in her chest as she watched his hand near her. Even through the dimness of the night, the opalescent moon was enough to highlight the agony in half of Kakashi's face while his other half remained eclipsed in shadows like a second layer of a mask.

His fingers trembled as he reached over and gingerly tucked back a wavy lock of hair that had escaped her bun.

"How can you ask me to ruin your life like that?" he whispered to her. "How can you ask me to hurt you?"

Sakura swallowed back the lump in her throat as she searched for the right words to ease his pain and fears.

"Did you know... the average person has a one in a hundred-seven chance of dying in a motor vehicle crash in their whole lifetime?" she asked him, watching confusion cloud his features momentarily. "By your logic, does that mean you should never drive or ride a car just because of the possibility of crashing?" When he didn't answer, she shook her head. "You're so scared to take a chance because of the possibility of things going south, but what do you gain from doing nothing? Nothing! The most common regret in life is the one where people regret that they did nothing with the chances that were given to them."

She'd missed many of those kinds of chances before—when she'd flaked out on senior prom, turned down the offer for class valedictorian, and even snubbed Daichi.

So many of these opportunities Kakashi said she was lucky to have in her youth, she'd thrown away. Had taken them too much for granted because of her fears and insecurities. But Sakura didn't want to be scared anymore.

Reaching over, she brushed back the stray bang that had fallen across Kakashi's scarred eye, noting how he held absolutely still for her. "I'm not asking you to ruin my life. I'm asking you to have faith in me... To have faith in us."

Kakashi fell silent for a long, long pause that left them sitting in the shadows and in the nighttime chill of early October.

Finally, Kakashi hung his head in defeat. "I've destroyed many lives, Sakura. I can't destroy yours too."

You won't, she wanted to reassure him, but Sakura knew from his expression that she would be fighting a losing battle. She thought of telling him about her thing with Sasuke instead, but thought better of it. If she did reveal her marriage contract to him, then probably the more Kakashi would not want to get involved with someone who was already promised to another.

The tears were threatening to come back now as Sakura grew more and more frustrated with her predicament.

"So you don't want us to get too close to each other or too intimate because you think it's immoral and dangerous for us both," she said, voice thick with restraint and unshed tears. "But you also want to stay at my side to protect me from men like Mizuki among other dangers. You can't have it both ways either, Kakashi. So it's either we stay away from each other for good, or..." Gathering the last ounce of her courage and hope, she touched the back of his hand where he'd fisted it on his lap. "Or you tell me the truth, and we take it all the way. Together."

One more chance. Sakura wanted to give him one more chance. And through that simple touch of their hands, she wanted to let him know it was okay to be scared. At least she would be holding his hand when they would make that jump into unknown waters together. And she would never let him go—never let him drown, alone and afraid.

"I can't," Kakashi choked out, giving in to his fears instead as he pulled his hand away from hers.

The disappointment that shot through her heart was profound enough to leave Sakura at a loss for words for several seconds.

As quickly as possible, she gathered her composure and wiped away the tears piled at the corners of her eyes. "If you can't have me and I can't have you... then it's best for you to stay away from me. It hurts too much to be with you and not with you. Don't you see that you're hurting me more than you're protecting me?"

The way his eyes went round at her question told her that he hadn't seen it at all. He'd been too blinded by his fears and worries—controlled by his trauma, as Professor Iruka had put it.

Already, Kakashi was scrambling for an excuse. Anything to hide his trauma before she could catch wind of it, unaware that she already knew of his secret through his own friend.

"What if another person like Mizuki comes along?" he insisted urgently as if afraid someone like that was already lurking around her. "What if it's someone worse? What are you going to do when trouble comes for you again?"

"Then I'll do what I've always had to do my whole life before meeting you: I'll watch my own back."

He smiled sadly at her. "It's easy to say that now, but the lone wolf act can only take you so far. Trust me."

Trust you? Sakura grit her teeth. "After all the times you tried to lie to me even if you thought it was for my own good, I don't trust you anymore."

He flinched from the verbal lash of her words, but they needed to be said. It hadn't been fair for the both of them that he'd pretended he had no feelings for her.

She made to grab her backpack while her other hand reached for the door, but then paused. "Just tell me the truth for once," she insisted, turning in her seat to scrutinize Kakashi's crushed expression. "Tell me how you truly feel for me—no lies or excuses. Just let me hear the truth. I deserve that much, don't I?"

Her heart somehow sank even further as she watched Kakashi turn his face away. "If I tell you the truth of my feelings for you, it'll only make this thing between us all the more real—all the more painful, knowing that we still... can't."

Looking upon Kakashi now, Sakura realized just how right Professor Iruka had been. Behind that mask and air of nonchalance he shielded himself with was a man who was scared out of his wits. Of what, specifically, she still didn't know. And at this rate, she probably never would.

Pushing her passenger door open, Sakura stepped out.

"Goodnight, Professor Hatake," she muttered before slamming the door shut.

She marched straight through the gate of her apartment complex and up the stairs. Ino and the other girls were long gone when she entered the apartment, leaving the place cloaked in darkness when Sakura closed the door shut.

Heaving a long sigh, she slowly slid down the door until she sat herself on the floor. Her feet were killing her in these damn heels, but Sakura dared not move an inch—not even to turn on the lights—until she saw the headlights of Kakashi's car sweep across the window of her living room.

Only once she was sure he'd left did Sakura kick her heels off and trudge over to her bedroom. Throwing herself onto the bed, Sakura grabbed onto her stuffed teddy bear—the only one she'd deemed to bring along as a souvenir for home and only for nostalgia's sake. The plush material still reeked faintly of lavender from the time Ino had fooled around too much with her perfume bottle back when they were precocious tweens. But instead of calming Sakura's nerves as it once did years ago, it only served to remind her of that time she'd spent in Kakashi's house.

Gripping the bear so tight so that the head looked ready to explode with stuffing, Sakura buried her face into its torso and screamed out her anger, her pain, and her frustration.

'Please be patient with Kakashi,' Professor Iruka had begged her.

"I. Am. Trying!" Sakura yelled with her poor stuffed animal muffling her shout.

When she remembered she was smearing her makeup all over her plush toy, she let out a wail of frustration. When she was done, exhaustion quickly set in and pulled her into a fitful sleep.

That night, she dreamt of a pack of werewolves chasing her, led by Mizuki who howled for her tasty virgin blood. She sprinted through the forest and leapt over bramble and thicket, but they were constantly nipping at her heels, snarling gleefully like predators closing in on their prey. On instinct, she searched for Kakashi, turning over every leaf and stone, but he was nowhere to be found...

.

.

.

The cold splash of water stung Sakura's face as she stared at herself in the mirror. Dark circles lined her dull green eyes and she'd been too exhausted to bother with concealer this morning. Or any makeup for that matter.

The weekend had passed by in a blur and the only thing she really remembered was her phone blowing up with text messages from the girls. They were all dying to know of what had come of the date with Kankuro. Did she make out with him? Did they get frisky with each other behind the stacks? Did they use each other's bodies as models? Did she even reach first base? Did he?

Ino had some of the most perverse ideas but Sakura turned them all down to reveal that—no, nothing had happened, much to everyone's shock and horror. But it wasn't like Sakura could just explain how she'd felt no chemistry with Kankuro because she still wasn't over a certain professor who'd coincidentally dropped by to help them study. Nor could she admit the more embarrassing fact that she'd ended up third wheeling on her own date. Instead, the most she could admit was that the date had been boring (which was true) and she'd had no chemistry with Kankuro (which was also true).

Of course, the girls had vehemently tried to comfort her by placing the blame all on poor Kankuro.

'His armpit must've reeked! I don't know why boys can't shower more often!'

'He wasn't that cute to begin with.'

'His siblings are gang leaders so he's not someone you should associate yourself with anyway.'

Their excuses didn't make Sakura feel any better, but the finishing blow was the part where she revealed how Kankuro hadn't texted or even called her since Friday night. Had she done something wrong? Was it because she'd rejected his kiss? Did that really hurt his feelings that bad?

'Any guy who gets offended that a girl doesn't want to kiss him on the first date is not a guy worth your while,' Ino had tried to reassure her. 'You should never have to owe a guy any sexual favors just because he did something for you.'

But why else would Kankuro ghost her like that?! Was he one of those boys who played those stupid waiting games to avoid looking desperate? If so, that was just as bad as ghosting!

"Ugh!" She leaned into the sink to splash more water on her face.

There were still a few minutes before class would start, and Sakura needed every minute to brace herself before seeing Kakashi and Kankuro. Things were going to be so awkward with the both of them.

Just as Sakura was considering skipping class for the first time ever, a soft 'pop!' echoed behind her. She whirled around just in time to witness a bunch of white pills spill out from beneath one of the stall doors. They bounced and rolled across the tiles, scattering everywhere.

The stall door suddenly burst open and Sakura jerked back at the sight of Mei with her mascara running down her cheeks in dirty streaks. Seeing a girl with eyes still bloodshot from too much crying, Sakura's first instinct was to ask if she was all right. But things had soured between them ever since that incident at the alley when she and Tenten had found Mei in a tussle with her drug dealer.

Mei's friendly façade had dropped since that day, and Sakura had to learn to ignore her glares and cold shoulders during lecture and lab. So she chose to ignore her now, spinning around to wash her hands at the sink.

The bathroom was filled with an awkward silence only broken by a stray sniffle every few seconds as Mei picked up her pills. In the mirror, Sakura observed her, her pale face, and frazzled red locks still sticking to her wet cheeks. Honestly, Sakura thought she looked bad today but Mei looked far worse.

She threw her eyes back down when Mei stood up to toss the fallen pills into the trash. When Mei started for her direction, Sakura quickly shuffled away to air dry her hands. The quiet shush of the water filling Mei's sink mingled with the low wail of Sakura's hand dryer, giving them a brief reprieve from the tension.

Cautiously, Sakura returned to the sink furthest from Mei to check her own complexion in the mirror. As she took a second to swipe on some lip gloss to bring some life to her face, she felt the heavy, judgmental stare coming from Mei's direction. The silence shifted from awkward to oppressive, but Sakura told herself to just keep ignoring her.

After checking her lip gloss was fine, she ran a hand through a small tangle that had knotted in her bangs.

"Checking to make sure you're all nice and pretty for Professor Hatake?"

Sakura froze. Slowly, she glanced over to Mei who had just finished wiping the streaks of her mascara.

"... What?" Sakura asked, not quite sure she'd heard that right.

Still examining herself in the mirror, Mei let out a derisive laugh. "Oh, playing dumb now, Miss Perfect A?"

"How do you even know I have an A...?"

Mei didn't answer her immediately. Instead, she reached into her backpack to pull out a makeup bag, and from that bag she withdrew a tube of lipstick. She took her sweet time painting her lips red first, and then smacking her lips together until she was satisfied with the look. "I've heard Professor Hatake at the cafeteria talking about you with some of the other teachers—praising you and your smartass."

Sakura didn't have time to be surprised by that as she was more bewildered by the venom sugarcoating Mei's tone. "So you're mad at me for working my ass off for that grade?"

Those plush red lips lifted into a sneer. "Working your ass? Or showing your ass?"

Sakura gaped at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Or maybe you sucked Professor Hatake's cock too."

"Big words for a hypocrite," Sakura seethed out, remembering that time she'd crashed into Mei who had still been buttoning up her blouse after escaping Kakashi's office.

"At least I don't pretend I'm sweet and innocent."

"I am not like you!"

"Because you don't do drugs?" Mei mocked her with a pout. She finally turned to look at her, raising an appraising brow at Sakura's glower. "What? Good girls only suck their professor's cock then?"

Balling her hands, Sakura took a threatening step forward and jutted her chin towards the trash can where Mei had tossed her pills. "Or maybe they tell the professor that you're getting high in the bathroom with your friend. Let me guess—Molly again?"

Mei's sneer flipped into a scowl. "It's my antidepressants."

"Because Daddy didn't buy the purse you wanted?"

As soon as she said that, Sakura knew she'd practically chosen death. A cold fury washed over Mei's veneer as she pressed those red lips so tight that her mouth looked more like a bleeding gash across her face.

Quietly, she capped the tube of her lipstick and slipped it back into her bag. "I'm guessing you heard about Professor Mizuki."

Sakura started to frown until she realized where this was heading. Oh... Oh, crap.

Seeing her face pale in sheer horror, Mei gave her a dry smile. "I had him last year for Ultimate Fitness and, one day, he asks me if I can stay after class to help him clean the equipment room. I wasn't sure what happened then nor do I remember what happened, but I figured it out soon enough. When dear Daddy found out I had missed my period, he made me get tested. Lo and behold, it was positive. I was already almost ten weeks along by the time I got tested."

Nausea churned in Sakura's gut and she had to grip the edge of the sink to support herself.

Mei pursed her lips as she took slow steps toward her. "He didn't believe me when I said that I didn't do anything. I mean you don't get pregnant out of nowhere after all. He called me a whore, but at least he gave me the money for an abortion. And he gives me the money for the ecstasy. That's the only way I can really feel... anything," she purred out, closing her eyes and humming like she could already taste the high of her favorite drug.

Sakura took a step back as Mei prowled closer to her.

"And then I hear the bastard finally got caught, and that he was your fitness instructor this semester," Mei hummed, inspecting Sakura up and down like she was somehow culpable. "But obviously he never touched you since you're not on meds, pregnant, or even seeing a therapist. No, you walk away from a serial rapist completely unscathed while the other girls in your class walk to their next doctor's appointment."

Her sneaker squeaked against a wet spot on the tiles as Sakura found herself slowly being driven up against the wall.

"What a coincidence that the anonymous tipper who turned Mizuki in to the FBI did it just before Mizuki could fuck you over," Mei jeered at her, her red lips trembling like a predator starved for blood. "What a fucking lucky coincidence that you were saved at the nick of time. Unlike me, and all the other girls who had to suffer."

Sakura's mouth felt dry as she struggled for a response. "I... I-I'm sorry," was all she could think of.

"I don't want your fucking pity!" Mei snarled into her face.

Sakura almost shrunk back—not from fear but from the shock of how such a young woman like Mei could be so filled with anger and spite that it contorted her once beautiful features into something ugly. But that icy rage Mei inflicted onto her was like a wake-up slap for Sakura and she took a step forward until they were almost nose to nose.

"Then what do you want? Professor Hatake?"

"Jealous?"

"Of you getting rejected by him?" Sakura rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. And if you were a victim of Mizuki then why would you try to start something with another professor?"

Mei's lips curled into a smirk as if that question confirmed a suspicion of hers. "Only someone as privileged as you would ask something like that."

Sakura couldn't help but snort with laughter. "Privileged? That's rich coming from a rich girl."

"Privilege comes in all shapes and sizes. But you would've already known that if you weren't so... privileged," Mei threw it back at her.

That hot lick of anger that'd been simmering within Sakura for a long while now blazed to life. She'd squeezed her hands so hard into fists that she could feel the pain of her nails biting into skin. In her youth, she'd been cornered by bullies in bathrooms before. But Mei was no bully; she was just a bitch projecting her anger onto the wrong people because the right person was already behind bars and out of reach.

"I think I see it now: you want revenge," Sakura pointed out with Mei's angry gaze flashing with mild surprise. "But Professor Hatake has nothing to do with Mizuki! He's nothing like him!"

Mei's mouth stretched into a wide grin like she was thinking 'bingo!' Peeling back, she smoothed down the frizz of her hair and glanced over her shoulder to where Kakashi's classroom was just down the hall. "Honestly, I was surprised when he rejected my offer to blow him that day I visited his office," she casually admitted. "I was a lot more surprised when Professor Hatake didn't even report me. For a guy who loves his cliché porn books, he actually shows restraint when a woman tries to seduce him. I guess he really is one of the good guys after all."

Sakura couldn't tell if she was elated to hear that or pissed off that something like that had happened in the first place. She stomped over to Mei and grabbed her by the arm to wrench back her attention. "What the hell is wrong with you?! If someone else had seen you pull that shit off with Professor Hatake, he could have gone to jail!"

Mei ripped her arm free of Sakura's grasp. "And if he did touch me or any other student of his, he totally would have deserved some jail time! Because that just proves he really is no better than Mizuki," she snapped back. "Men who take advantage of their teaching position to take advantage of their female students—to touch girls who don't know any better and take away their innocence—those men deserve to rot in jail and then burn in hell! And sadly those men are everywhere just like Mizuki was, so you're a fucking joke if you think I'm in the wrong for doing what I did to Professor Hatake!"

There was a storm of vitriol swirling in that icy blue gaze of hers and drowning out all semblance of sanity as Mei snickered at her. The sound of it was so strangled that it seemed more like she was choking on a sob. Sakura was speechless for a moment, astounded that someone as young as Mei could be filled with so much pain—pain that she had turned into anger and spite to direct onto the people around her. People who'd done nothing to her.

The cold bite of her words had sunk into Sakura's body like ice injected into the marrow of her bones.

She had never met someone so cruelly vindictive, barbed by the cruelty they had suffered and the innocence they had lost. While pity was clearly the last thing Mei wanted, Sakura couldn't help but feel it for her anyway. Someone like Mizuki was every girl's worst nightmare, and Mei was right to a degree; there were too many men like Mizuki walking around in sheep's clothing.

But while Sakura felt bad for her classmate, there was still that defiant rage welling up inside her at the knowledge that Kakashi would be put into the same category as that bastard.

"But Professor Hatake didn't touch you," she insisted. "He refused your advances because he knew it would be wrong! How can you compare him to someone like Mizuki who intentionally tricked girls into trusting him and then drugged and raped them?! Professor Hatake could have gone to jail because of your stupidity!"

"It's not so much stupidity as it is a test of his morality."

Sakura desperately wanted to slap some sense into this girl. "Don't you care that you could have gotten someone into huge trouble over nothing?!"

"It's not about getting him in trouble," Mei retorted. "It's about taking control."

Well, that was the most ridiculous thing she'd heard today. "You can't control a man like Professor Hatake."

"I never said anything about taking control of him," Mei bit back, turning to brace both hands on the edge of the sink. Her fingers squeezed tight until she released it and began pacing back and forth, running both hands through her disheveled hair. "Don't you see? I'm taking control of my life—my narrative! All these men controlling me and using me like I'm some doll to play with—I'm so fucking sick of it! For once, I want to be the one in control and if that means fucking up another man's life then so be it!"

How? How could someone who'd suffered so much want to spread more suffering to others? Sakura just couldn't understand it.

As if sensing her disapproval, Mei abruptly pivoted on her heel and got up in Sakura's face, jamming a manicured finger right at her. "But of course, you just couldn't let me have that, could you?!"

"You want to take control of your life at the expense of an innocent man's life?!" Sakura tried to reason with her. Make her see how ludicrous her idea was. "Mei, you need to wake up and smell the damn coffee—or better yet, go see a therapist! If anything's controlling you, I think it's your own trauma—"

Sakura nearly slipped back when a pair of hands suddenly shoved her by the shoulders. She caught herself just in time, flabbergasted that Mei would dare lay a hand on her. Her first instinct was to slug this bitch right across the pretty face for that. She'd been pushed and shoved around by bullies enough times in her childhood. She didn't intend to go through it all over again in her adulthood.

But upon seeing the quiver in Mei's bottom lip, Sakura held her fist back.

"Trauma?" Mei spat out like the word itself was poison. "What the fuck do you know about trauma? I know you're type. You're so blissfully ignorant—it makes me sick! You don't know what it's like to lose control of your own body! You don't know how it feels to lose your mind and get lost in a fog of thoughts and then get judged for something that's out of your control! I hate sheltered girls like you who grew up coddled and protected while girls like me have nobody to protect us!"

"How the hell am I involved in any of this?!"

That prompted a dry chuckle from Mei and she mocked her with a shrug. "Oh, but you're the smartypants here. Shouldn't you know?"

It took her a hot second to figure out the one connection between them and then her eyes widened. "Wha... P-Professor Hatake has no interest in me!"

But even saying it aloud didn't sound so convincing for her nor for Mei who crossed her arms, dubious of such a claim.

"Oh, but you sure love basking in his attention and praises," she remarked in a slow drawl.

Heat started to crawl up Sakura's cheeks though she tried to control her body's traitorous reaction. "I-I sit right in front of him! That could mean anything! And practically every girl in class has a crush on him—even the boys and the granny at the back—so why are you singling me out?!"

"I saw you and Professor Hatake play Manhunt together during Welcome Week!" Mei erupted, shouting hard enough that the acoustics of the bathroom sent her voice bouncing around. "I saw him covering your ass and shooting down anyone who pointed their paintball gun at you while you wandered around like an idiot!"

The second her echoes died down, the bathroom door creaked open and a girl's head popped into view. She blinked at the sight of Sakura and Mei facing off by the sinks before scurrying past them to rush into a stall. There was a brief lull of activity before it was broken by the quiet hiss of the random girl peeing.

While they waited for the student to leave, Sakura took the moment to process Mei's words. Kakashi had covered her during Manhunt? Sure, he'd welcomed her into his hiding spot, but she didn't remember him... Wait, no, there had been a boy who was going to shoot her but his vest got tagged by someone else's paintball.

Had that been thanks to Kakashi then?

The sound of the toilet flushing broke Sakura out of her thoughts and she scooted aside for the girl to wash her hands. Mei was still scowling at her as they both waited for the girl to scrub, rinse, and then dry. Sakura wasn't sure which was worse—having to endure Mei's glare in silence or the strong stink of piss that emanated from the stall the girl had just used.

The girl didn't seem to care as she took her time washing her hands and then checking her makeup in the mirror before finally leaving.

As soon as the door slammed close, Mei was already descending upon her like a scorned witch with white teeth flashing and snapping.

"And I saw you playing basketball with Professor Hatake and the other faculty members at Kage park!" she continued ranting. "I saw him take the fall for you! You're always being protected in some way and you take it all for granted while girls like me suffer because we have nobody! Even my own father—the one person in my life who was supposed to protect me and instead he makes me—"

She suddenly clamped her lips shut, bosom heaving up and down like she was struggling so hard not to puke now. Sakura took a cautious step back.

"I may have been raised with a silver spoon in my mouth, but it's clear that you've always had someone to break your fall," Mei growled, her eyes wide and wild with a fury still boiling beneath the surface. "That's why you always get to play the perfect A student and never the victim because you've always been coddled! And then you have the fucking gall to gloat with your straight A's and pretend to help others when you're just showing off while everyone else in class is struggling to even pass!"

"I-I'm not trying to rub it in your guys' faces!" Sakura tried to defend herself, appalled that Mei and possibly others had seen it that way. "And Professor Hatake... he was just looking out for me as a teacher would with his student," she added even though she knew it was much more than that because even Kakashi had admitted to caring about her that night in his car.

Mei huffed in annoyance. "And there you go again! Taking it for granted like the coddled girl you are. You know, I envy you and your ignorance. You don't know what it's like to suffer—to carry around a baggage of trauma and bullshit everywhere you go. If you did know, you wouldn't have that perfect A-plus that you have now. Instead, you would be on medication and struggling to read a fucking sentence from your textbook! You would be scouring the streets for your local drug dealer to numb the pain. You would be in this bathroom, in my shoes, and watching the perfect straight A student get all the praise and glory!" she angrily chastised her, raising a shaking finger in Sakura's direction. "You're so quick to judge people like me from where you stand as if we're beneath you!"

There was such an immense amount of hatred burning in those blue eyes as Mei gave her the dirtiest look Sakura had ever seen. Not even the bullies from primary school had looked at her like that. As if she was what's wrong with the world.

But while Mei had been right that Sakura didn't know what it was like to be in her shoes, she had been wrong about one thing. On some level, she did know what it was like to suffer. And though her baggage might've been lighter compared to Mei's, she still carried it around too. Just because she wasn't on meds or bawling her eyes out in the bathroom stall didn't mean Sakura didn't know what it felt like to hit rock bottom.

"Don't act like you know my story either," Sakura raged back, feeling her anger swell like a hot air balloon. "You're already jumping to conclusions and judging my whole character when you're only on Chapter fucking Two of my life. But let's say Professor Hatake has been looking after me without my awareness because I am that 'privileged' and 'blissfully ignorant' as you say. Even if he was interested in me in that way—or whatever way that goes beyond our student-teacher relationship..." Sakura gave a half-hearted shrug. "You admitted it: he's different from Mizuki. He would never dare touch me because he's one of the good guys who just wants to keep his students safe more than anything else. So you don't have to worry."

The sharp tang of acrimony lingered on Sakura's tongue as she finished spitting out the last word. For the first time, Mei looked pleased to see her so bitter and frustrated.

"Well, if he's not willing to touch me then I doubt he'll ever want to touch you." With a smirk, Mei gave a pointed look at Sakura's chest. "Not that there's anything for him to touch."

The hot rush of anger flooded Sakura's face and she took a step forward, ready to slap this bitch for that comment. But Mei was already sashaying away to make her exit, leaving Sakura trembling from head to toe like a kettle about to explode.

"Oh, and by the way?" Mei glanced back at her with a flip of her hair and a knowing smile. "Girls like you who are sheltered and protected all the time usually get fucked over real bad later in life once they no longer have anyone to break their fall. So I'd watch out if I were you. Once the semester ends, Professor Hatake will have forgotten you ever existed."

Sakura bit her tongue to keep from screaming every curse word in the book at her as she watched Mei walk away. But then she heard that soft giggle—that same giggle she'd heard Mei use before on Kakashi when she'd been trying to flirt with him—to manipulate him.

"Mei!"

The redhead swiveled around with a sarcastic hum, too slow to react to Sakura launching herself at her. A cry of surprise rose from her rosy lips as the girl was shoved up against the wall with a strong fist gripping the front of her blouse.

"Hey, this is couture!" Mei protested, scratching feebly at Sakura's hand to get her blouse released.

"If you ever hurt Professor Hatake in any way, I will report you for sexual assault and misconduct," Sakura hissed in her face. "After all, everyone else in class also saw the black lace bra you intentionally wore that day."

Bewilderment clouded those blue eyes before fear then flashed through them as Mei saw the look on Sakura's face.

The blouse was already terribly wrinkled when Sakura let her go. This time, it was her turn to give a sweet and venomous smile. "You're right, you know. I'm not as sweet and innocent as I look. So from now on, stay the hell away from Professor Hatake."

With that, Sakura grabbed the door handle by Mei's hip and slipped out of the bathroom.

The hallways were empty as she trudged to class. Which meant lecture had already started—she peeked at her watch—fifteen minutes ago. Crap.

She snarled under her breath and hurried along even as her heart pounded with anger like a belligerent war drum. Once she reached the classroom door, Sakura paused at the sound of Kakashi's voice filtering out. He was in the middle of reviewing the study guide for the upcoming midterm.

After running a hand through her hair, she sucked in a deep breath and tried to stifle that anger still raging inside her like an inferno. When her heart slowed by a beat, she pulled the door open and walked in as casually and quietly as possible.

Kakashi's attention was on the whiteboard as he was in the middle of drawing what looked like the anatomy of a muscle fiber.

"Do not confuse the myosin with the actin," he explained aloud, still not noticing Sakura sneaking behind him. "And please do not confuse the myofilaments with the myofibrils either. The myofibrils are composed of thick and thin myofilaments, and these myofilaments are composed of myosin and actin."

Everyone at their desks looked half asleep or ready to fall asleep as hardly anyone paid much attention to her. Much to Sakura's surprise, Kankuro was nowhere to be seen.

He's absent today? She couldn't tell if she was disappointed or relieved—maybe both.

Kakashi was still droning on when she reached her desk and picked up a sheet of paper turned face down. It was the quiz from last week. She flipped it around to check—

"And please remember from my syllabus that I do not condone tardiness, Miss Haruno," Kakashi's voice cut through the lethargic energy of the room.

Sakura froze and peered up at Kakashi who still had his back turned and hand poised against the whiteboard with the marker. She could sense the entire class quickly rouse awake as Kakashi slowly lowered the marker and crossed his arms to face her.

All eyes were now on her as Sakura stood there. The quiz crinkled slightly in her hand but she didn't notice when all she could feel was that anger returning in full force now, ready to explode.

'The reason why I was late is because I was defending your sorry ass!' she wanted to shout at him.

"The next time you arrive to my class late, I won't allow you to enter at all, Miss Haruno," he said, gazing so aloofly at her.

"Hypocrite," Sakura said. Just loudly enough for everyone to hear—especially the one person she'd meant it for.

Every student behind her seemed to go dead still at the word. As if she'd just uttered a curse.

Kakashi blinked once. "What did you say?"

She didn't answer. She refused to.

Even though Kakashi's face remained calm and controlled, Sakura could easily guess from just the tiniest twitch of his scarred eye that beneath his mask, he was just as pissed as she was.

"It seems you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," Kakashi joked with a crinkle of his eyes, but the room remained stifled with tension as everyone held their breath. "Why don't you stand outside in the hallway until I call you in?"

Behind her, every student sat completely awake now as they watched the class's smartest student face off with the school's strictest teacher.

Sakura raised her chin in silent defiance.

In a deliberate move, Kakashi swept his arm aside to gesture to the door she'd just snuck through.

'I wasn't asking,' his dark eyes told her enough.

Realizing that he was not going to back down either and she would be disrupting everyone's precious class time if she persisted, Sakura gripped the straps of her backpack and walked.

She could feel every eye follow her every step until the door swung close behind her.

For a long while, Sakura stood there in the hallway debating if she should just skip lecture and lab today. It wasn't like her to do that, but she was just so pissed at everything and everyone that she doubted reviewing for midterms would be enough of a distraction.

Besides, what if when Kakashi saw that she'd skipped his classes he would think she was running away from him? Like a coward?

I'm not the coward here—he is!

Fuming and pacing back and forth, Sakura tried to take a look at her quiz to try and distract herself. But upon seeing that she'd been marked one point for one stupid spelling mistake, she nearly ripped the paper to pieces.

The door opened and Kakashi called her in before she could do so.

Sakura avoided looking at him as she returned to the classroom and plopped down at her desk. All the students dared not utter a word of what had transpired earlier, and since Mei had yet to come back from the bathroom, there was nobody to pester her either.

That didn't mean Sakura had the chance to calm down though. For the entire lecture, she glared at Kakashi. He didn't meet her dirty looks, but she knew he sensed her eyes on him by the way he intentionally avoided her.

When class ended, she darted out of the classroom and waited for a while in the bathroom. Thankfully, Mei wasn't lurking in any of the stalls, so Sakura bided her time until it was the right moment to come out.

Her watch read that it was still forty minutes left before lab would begin. Which meant Kakashi would likely be in his office for a little while longer. Just enough time to catch him after his last student and right before he'd leave to set up the lab materials.

When she knocked on his door, Kakashi was already frowning as he opened the door. Just a few inches ajar to reveal how unenthused he was for her visit.

Sakura pushed past him, using her petite size to slip under his arm and into his office.

This time, she didn't sit in the guest chair. She remained standing in front of his desk as she cracked open her textbook and shuffled through her notes to pull out her graded quiz.

"I deserve a free point for this question." She stabbed a finger at the bottom of the paper where, unfortunately, the crinkle was as well.

Kakashi's brows twitch like he was desperately trying to keep from frowning as he leaned in over her shoulder—then stopped, stood up straight and pulled out a pair of glasses from where it hung on his shirt's pocket. He tipped his head down but didn't lean into her this time as he squinted at the question through his glasses.

"You misspelled a word," he said curtly. "I warned you before to pay attention to your spelling."

"It wasn't on your powerpoint," Sakura grounded out.

"I also warned you that everything in the textbook is fair game, Miss Haruno."

"But you haven't covered this section in the book yet!" To prove her point, she set her book down on the edge of his desk and flipped to a certain page. "This question covers the section on page one hundred and twelve, but you only covered lecture up to page one hundred and ten. So this question should be a free point."

He raised his face and scrutinized her but he didn't seem so menacing with his grandpa glasses on.

He snatched the quiz. "Fine."

"Fine!"

In smug satisfaction, she watched him sit down at his desk and update her grades on the computer. Then he turned to her paper and slashed the minus sign to transform it into an A-plus.

When Kakashi finished, he held the paper out stiffly. "Are you happy now?"

"Does it look like I'm happy?" Sakura growled, swiping her quiz back to tuck it between the pages of her textbook and notes.

He grabbed a stack of documents at the corner of his desk and began sorting through them under the pretense that he was occupied with something else now. "If we're done with business here, you may leave."

She scoffed at his dismissive attitude. "What? So eager to kick me out just like you did at your house?"

Kakashi shot her an unamused look before eyeing the door cautiously. "What happened in my house was a mistake on my part," he explained quietly. "An accident. Do you want me to apologize again? Or are you just going to run away like before? Because as I recall, it was you who chose to leave."

"Because you wanted me to leave!"

"In a cab," he spoke sharply, reprimanding her with a stern stare over the stack of papers in his hands. "I did not want you to just run out of the house in the middle of the night and jeopardize your own safety."

She squeezed the textbook in her hands to restrain her ire. "How could I not when you were being needlessly cruel to me?! Because you're a coward who can't be honest with me or even yourself!"

Kakashi set the papers back down on his desk none too gently. "Watch your tongue, Miss Haruno," he warned her low and quiet. "I'm still your professor and I can have you kicked out of my office this instant."

Sakura set her textbook down on the edge of his desk none too gently either. "Then do it," she challenged him, seeing that scarred eye twitch so subtly. "But you can't because you don't actually want me to leave."

She observed his hands slowly curling into fists atop of his desk before he stood up. "Get out."

The way he barked that order at her would've been enough to send anyone scurrying away with their tail tucked between their legs.

"No," Sakura replied firmly. Resting both hands on his desk, she leaned over to peer up at Kakashi and watch the way his throat shifted as she said, "I see the way you look at me. I feel the way you touch me. You tell me to get out but, even now, your body tells me different. It tells me the last thing you want is for me to leave you. So stop lying and just admit you're attracted to me."

Admit it! she dared him. Because there was no point in begging now after how he'd refused her in the car.

Not a single inch of Kakashi's body moved save for that subtle tic of his jaw clenching. Then he was striding fast to the door and pushing it open to let in a burst of the cold morning light. "I said get out of my office. Now, Miss Haruno."

She crossed her arms but didn't budge from her spot. "And I said no, Professor Hatake."

Seeing that she meant it, Kakashi released the door and let it swung back shut. The warm dimness of his office encased them once again.

"You'll have to touch me if you want me to get out," Sakura told him, tipping her head as she gave him a slow smirk. "But you won't, will you?"

Anger darkened the shadows across Kakashi's face and he prowled over to her, hulking and towering over her short figure. With the muscles of his shoulders bunched and the vein on his neck bulging furiously, Kakashi was a menacing sight to see. But not to Sakura.

She merely tipped her head back, still smirking in cold fury herself. "You won't because you're a coward, Professor Hatake. A coward too afraid to touch me, and a liar who can't admit his true feelings for me."

The muscles of his arms strained tight against the sleeves of his dress shirt as Kakashi deliberately lifted a hand to tug off his glasses. "Do not test me," he cautioned her, tucking the frames back safely in his pocket.

There was a note of lethality underlying the rigid tone of his voice. It had Sakura fighting to suppress a hard shudder that rolled through her body and settled warm and aching in her belly as she refused to yield to him.

"Then go on. Touch me." She offered her hand palm up but then scowled when Kakashi jerked back an inch. "You don't mind the women in class who are always flirting and trying to touch you! Even the granny who keeps insisting on introducing her daughter to you—you don't reject her! You ignore all of them but the only one you outright reject is me!"

"Because unlike the other women in class, you are the only one who persists to be kissed," Kakashi snapped at her. "Are you really that desperate to have your first kiss that you would turn to anyone—boy or man, including your own professor?!"

That he would judge her for being so debauch when he didn't know her reasons made Sakura snap.

"You're such a jerk!" She raised her hand to slap him or something—she didn't know what.

But before she could do anything else, Kakashi grabbed her wrist and yanked her towards him to let his mouth crash down on hers.

Even through the thin cloth of his mask, his lips were warm and pressed insistently against Sakura's. Rather than gasp in surprise, she instinctively moaned into the kiss and reached her free hand up to grab at his tie, yanking him closer to her so that their bodies molded together.

They stumbled back, teeth nipping and bumping as they kissed each other angrily, but fervently.

The back of Sakura's thighs hit the edge of his desk and her butt landed on the stack of documents he'd set aside. The fall had her yanking his tie harder on accident so that Kakashi had to brace his other hand against the edge of the desk to keep from crushing her as he kissed her harder.

Even though they were separated by mere millimeters of cloth, it wasn't enough for Sakura. And neither for Kakashi as he released her wrist to cup the back of her head, desperate to deepen the kiss somehow. His fingers tangled into her locks, gentle but urgent while she clamped a hand across the base of his head and gripped the short silver locks of hair there.

The kiss was fire and ice, too slow and yet too fast, and too hard but not hard enough.

Sakura gingerly leaned back to lay down on the desk, guiding Kakashi with her, using the tail of his tie like a leash.

Their lips continue to clash, nip, and pull, their mouths sliding in a desperate battle for more despite the mask in the way.

Her hand roamed across the surface of the desk, blindly searching for better purchase until she hit the spine of her textbook. The tome slid off the edge of the desk and slammed onto the floor with a resounding 'THUD!'

Kakashi instantly ripped himself away from her, taking the warmth of his body and the assurance of his kiss with him. They stared wide-eyed at each other, their chests rising and falling as they struggled to remember how to breathe.

Sakura was still leaning back across his desk when Kakashi ran a frantic hand through his hair, raising the locks so that he looked like the very picture of a man who'd lost his marbles.

"I... I am your professor," he finally croaked out, his desperation weighing heavy in those words.

He was trying so hard to remind the both of them of their positions, but it was pointless. Before she could tell him that though, the sharp trill of his phone's alarm rang out.

Without thinking, Sakura grabbed her backpack and bolted for the door. Her legs felt like jelly as she ran away from her teacher's office, but she dared not stop. Her mind seemed to be racing a mile a minute, and yet she couldn't think. She didn't know what to think.

Not when her lips were still tingling from his kiss.

Her cheeks were hot and splotchy with color when Sakura took shelter in the nearest bathroom. The bright green of her eyes had deepened into a wild viridian as she stared at herself in the mirror.

Slowly, she raised a hand towards her lips. Her favorite cherry lip gloss had smeared, leaving a faint smudge at the corner of her mouth. Moving like a robot, Sakura swiped a thumb across to clean up the smudge.

Faintly, she wondered if she could still taste the remnants of the kiss. So she popped the tip of her thumb in her mouth, but all she could taste was the sweetness of cherries—the opposite of that rough and ardent kiss she had tasted for just a few seconds.

Sakura eyed her disheveled self in the mirror just a little longer before realizing she was without her textbook.

Ah, I left it in Professor Hatake's office...

Specifically on the floor where her papers had also scattered.

She spent the next couple of minutes debating whether to go back and retrieve her stuff or just buy a whole new book and try to reprint all her notes from memory. Both options made her grimace.

But Sakura still hadn't made up her mind when it was time for lab. So lost in the static of her mind, she ended up arriving to class late again.

When she stepped through the door, everyone whipped their heads around to gawk at her. Everyone but Kakashi who paused in the middle of scribbling down the agenda on the whiteboard, but said nothing.

There was no scolding or even a death glare from him. Just the awkward, persistent squeak of his marker against the whiteboard.

Sakura sunk into her chair and almost thought she'd sat at the wrong desk when she noticed the textbook in front of her. But she recognized it as her textbook with the number of colored sticky notes peeping out from the sides. And when she cracked it open, all the pages of her notes and worksheets were tucked neatly back in place. Along with the quiz and its bright red A-plus.

She glanced up to where Kakashi was still taking his sweet time adding in brief notes for today's lab lesson. Sakura had no idea what the lesson would be. Observing Kakashi keep his back turned to her as if to hide the face he was making right now, all she knew was that there were far more cracks in his mask than she realized.

He was breaking.


A/N: It's with a heavy heart I have to announce a HIATUS due to an emergency medical leave for a family member.

For those of you who have been following this fic much earlier, you might remember that I had to put TAOL on hiatus almost exactly a year ago from today for the exact same issue. When I returned from that hiatus, I briefly mentioned that my situation is still volatile because my family member was diagnosed with a severely debilitating disability, leaving no permanent solution or cure. Despite the volatility of my situation, I've been doing my best to keep up with updates. However, my family member has suffered essentially a relapse, and so I must put this fic on hold once more and kindly ask for your patience again. But unlike last time, this hiatus should not take as long so please don't worry.

Also, I know I'm falling waaay behind on messages and Asks but I promise I will get to them eventually!


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