The Anatomy of Love

Written By: Banana007

Chapter 30: Loneliness and Love


Panic was a great understatement for how Kakashi felt as he sat in the dimness of his office, face buried in his hands. Horror was a more accurate way to describe that turmoil churning viciously in his gut. Yes, horror, shame, and disgust over his lack of self-control earlier.

The past 3 hours in lab class had been a blur. He vaguely remembered Sakura dropping off her lab worksheet at his desk and then scuttling away the moment he picked up her papers. There had been no time to shoot her an apologetic look; she'd disappeared before he could even finish checking her answers. It wasn't like he could just apologize to her face either. Not when every other student had been lined up right behind her to get their own papers checked.

It hadn't been a coincidence that Sakura chose today of all days to make sure she was the first student to finish her work and leave the class. She'd left like a whirlwind, leaving Kakashi a mess and gaping at her paper for too long, still in shock of what he'd just done.

He'd kissed her.

His mask had still been on, but he'd kissed her. Had felt those soft, pouty lips plush against his demanding mouth. Had swallowed down her sigh of contentment. Had tasted the familiar sweetness of her cherry-flavored lip gloss. And had even cupped the back of her head to deepen the kiss—demand for more in a desperate urge to sate that hunger within him.

A hunger Kakashi had been fighting off for weeks to maintain his role as a responsible professor with morals. A professor who would never dare touch his underage student let alone kiss her. Sure, he'd toed the line one too many times, but this time he'd crossed the line completely.

For weeks, his restraint had been thinning out but he'd always managed to stop himself from kissing her at the very least.

But he'd failed at that. Much in the same way he'd been failing to control himself lately these days. Even now, Kakashi had no idea what was it about Sakura that just made him lose all sense of reason in her presence. He normally wasn't the kind of person to think with his dick than his head. Long tours and periods in which he'd be stationed at outposts for months without a drop of release had taught him patience and endurance when it came to his sexual urges.

It was honestly frightening to think how such a young and unassuming woman like Sakura could cause his self-control to slip with a mere tilt of her lips. And those vivid green eyes of hers that flashed with such keen intelligence... She may be a small lady with the top of her head barely reaching Kakashi's chest, but she carried a powerful, demanding aura.

It pulled Kakashi in, filling him with awe and, admittedly, arousal.

Her no-nonsense, no-bullshit attitude reminded him greatly of his own superiors from the military. And like his superiors, Sakura could see right through Kakashi's lies. Which, in itself, was a huge problem.

It was one thing that she could see through his lies, but kissing her had only given her the truth on a silver platter. He might as well have admitted to her that, yes, she had been right all along—he was immensely attracted to her and had been for a while already.

Groaning aloud, Kakashi scrubbed both hands down his face. The late afternoon sun peeked through the blinds of the window behind, telling him that it was high-time he went home already. But he refused to go home until he could figure out a solution for his current predicament.

The cat was out of the bag though; Sakura knew for sure now that her teacher was a pedophile who was attracted to her. Despite how he'd tried to lie consistently in the hopes it would deter her, the kiss had screwed him over big time and now there was no denying his feelings for her.

The only option Kakashi had left was to apologize. Apologize for sexually assaulting her, lying to her, and being a paranoid jerk.

But how? Somehow, he didn't think a simple 'I'm sorry for everything' would suffice.

Kakashi paused in contemplation before reaching into his back pocket to pull out Make-Out Tactics.

Hm, what would Takashi do? He flipped through the pages in search of the perfect idea.

In the series, whenever Takashi got Junko upset, he would apologize to her on his knees and with a bouquet of her favorite flowers in hand.

But what was Sakura's favorite flower? She'd bought lavenders before, but that had been for him.

No, wait, if he gave her flowers in apology then wouldn't that just make Kakashi look like he was romantically courting his student even more? Which was the exact opposite of what he should be doing!

Caught in this new conundrum, Kakashi sighed in defeat. But there was no time to mull it over any further as a knock at the door had him perking up in alarm.

Most students were done with classes for the day, so who would be visiting his office this late in the noon?

Could it be? Had Sakura finally realized how much of a bad guy he really was? Had she gone ahead to the campus police to report the pervert of a professor who had sexually assaulted her in his office?

If so... good. Kakashi wasn't going to escape or make up any excuse for himself. Like Mizuki, what he had done was unethical, illegal, and immoral on all accounts. What Sakura was doing was the right thing.

Sitting straighter in his chair, Kakashi clasped his hands together atop his desk, resigned to his fate and the handcuffs that would restrain him. "Come in."

The door swung open but it wasn't the police or even the FBI that strode into his office.

Kakashi couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as Kurenai ambled over to the chair across from him and plopped herself down with her own sigh of relief.

"Asuma said he saw you were still on campus," she grunted in the chair, shifting around to find a more comfortable position to accommodate her swollen belly. "Thought I'd drop by and check in. Aren't you supposed to be done with classes for the day?"

"I am," Kakashi answered slowly. As casually as possible, he raised a hand over his mask under the pretense of a yawn while checking if any of Sakura's lip gloss still stuck to the fabric. He could feel the sticky evidence and quickly wiped it away. "I... left some papers in my office. What are you doing here?"

Kurenai didn't seem to suspect his crime as she smiled at him. "I came to ask you for a favor. I need your help shopping for baby clothes on Thursday."

He blinked at the unexpected request.

"Baby clothes? I don't know anything about that." Kakashi was surprised she would turn to him for consultation over baby matters. Especially when he was the last person of all people who should be anywhere near babies.

"But you gifted me that adorable puppy onesie for my baby shower. Out of all the guys—including Asuma—you're the one who has the best taste in baby clothes," she argued gently with him. Upon seeing his conflicted face, Kurenai made a slight pout. "C'mon, you and I don't teach on Thursdays and I could use your help carrying the bags too. My back is too sore these days from weight-lifting twenty-four-seven."

She patted her baby bump for emphasis.

Still, Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck in hesitation. "What about Asuma?"

"He has to attend a meeting and then buy some parts for the crib," Kurenai excused her husband. "He bought the wrong parts the last three times, so he has his work cut out for him. But if you had plans to drop by the hospital...?" The excitement in Kurenai's eyes was already dying as she considered his potential plans. "You know what? It's fine, I know you're busy—"

"No, I'll come," Kakashi said before she could gather her purse. He crinkled his eyes at her in reassurance. "My dogs could use some of the work anyways."

"You're sure?" She glanced at his hands on the desk.

Kakashi made sure to keep his hands still and relaxed as he nodded. "Besides, I doubt Asuma will be happy to hear you went shopping all by yourself. Especially if you come home late."

"I'm pregnant—not helpless," Kurenai retorted with a soft chuckle.

"But more vulnerable," Kakashi gently reminded her with the exact same words Asuma had said when her belly started showing.

Kurenai rolled her eyes but didn't argue. With their first child on the way, it was no surprise that Asuma was such a huge worrywart when it came to Kurenai's safety. The three of them had grown up together on these streets. They'd seen the city transform over the years from a gang-infested metropolis to a dreamscape port for those who dream big or rich. But to this day, Kurenai still made sure to walk with a taser in hand and a gun in her purse whenever she was alone.

So it didn't take much for Kakashi to convince his friend that he would pick her up tomorrow morning with the dogs in tow.

Since he had no class to teach on Tuesdays, at least he had the day to ponder over how he should approach Sakura when he saw her on Wednesday. If she would prefer to avoid him and pretend the kiss never happened, he wouldn't blame her. By then, she would probably realize how disgusting it was to have been kissed by an old man.

But Kakashi would lament later. At the moment, he had some business to attend to first.

.

.

.

His first knock was answered with silence which was to be expected. For the duration of her stay in the city, Sakae intended to keep a low profile which meant few knew of her whereabouts. Either way, he knew she was somewhere inside the motel room just by the way that the blinds of the window were turned so that nobody on the outside could get a peep of the inside.

Tapping his foot impatiently, Kakashi surveyed his surroundings from the corner of his eye. A few doors down, a prostitute was watching him intently. He did his best to avoid eye contact with her even as she continued swaying her hips side to side in an attempt to lure his attention over.

In the room next door to Sakae's, he could hear an enraged woman in a heated argument with a man. It was barely six in the morning, so whatever they were arguing over must've been too serious to wait for breakfast. Though they were speaking in a different language, it sounded like a lover's quarrel judging by the curse words his trained ears could translate.

Just as Kakashi considered knocking again, he picked up on the locks disengaging from the other side. Finally, the door swung open to reveal a scowling Sakae dressed in only a bathrobe.

He raised a hand in greeting. "Yo!"

Her scowl subsided but she said nothing as she looked him up and down, her brow tipping slightly at the creases of Kakashi's tie. Eventually, she stepped aside to let him in.

"How did the meeting with your informant go?" Kakashi asked, quickly smoothing the tail of his tie.

He'd reused the tie from Monday but hadn't noticed the creases Sakura had left behind. Silently, he prayed that Sakae didn't notice the bit of lip gloss that still stained his mask, the cherry color subtly blending with the black fabric. He hadn't bothered to change or wash the mask, telling himself that he didn't have the time to. Truthfully, he just wanted to keep breathing in the lingering sweetness of Sakura's cherry-flavored lips.

Thankfully, Sakae hardly paid him much attention as her sole focus was one of the pillows on the bed.

"I hit jackpot," she proudly announced, withdrawing something from within the pillowcase. There was a certain gleam in her eyes as she returned to him and held up a black USB stick for him to examine. "Kakashi, this whole thing—the drug cartels, the Akatsuki, the illegal baby trade... it's so much bigger than we'd expected!" She shook her head and then shook the flashdrive to keep his attention on it. "This... This can change the whole world!"

Kakashi frowned at the flashdrive held before his face, but a weird stench drew his attention elsewhere. The bed sheets were still made, though a little tussled, and the glass ashtray was crammed with cigarette ends. But the strange stink that lingered in the air smelled more like... chemicals or cleaning products mingled with the stench of someone who hadn't bathed for weeks.

It smelled like Sakae's informant had stayed for far longer than needed. Long enough for his scent to stick to the room.

Finally, he noticed the table in the corner where a thin streak of white powder decorated the very edge of the wood. Beside the mess, an empty bottle of alcohol was tipped over on its side, the remaining contents dripping onto the floor. He glanced over to Sakae, noting her unusually eccentric behavior and the way she gazed at him with wide, wild eyes.

"Really?" Kakashi tipped his head to the table with the white powder, his disappointment clear as day. "Yours or his?"

"It was his, and now it's mine," Sakae answered with a roll of her eyes. "I'm a journalist, Kakashi—not a fucking saint. Besides, the guy really did have the good stuff."

Kakashi watched her flop onto the bed with a sigh. He decided to let it go, knowing that Sakae was a grown woman who was well aware of the consequences of her own decisions. "You said your informant is a druggie," he returned to the reason behind his visit. "Did he happen to have any weed on him by any chance? Or does he sell weed?"

"Weed? What a strange question to ask..." Sakae shot him an amused look. "Hmm, I didn't take you as the kind of person to smoke a blunt after school, Professor," she giggled to herself.

He remained silent, waiting for an answer.

She shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe? He's a druggie. What do you expect?"

Honestly, Kakashi wasn't sure what to expect. The boy he'd encountered at the cafeteria on the night of Sakura's date had obviously dabbled in weed, but was he a drug addict? More importantly, was he Sakae's informant?

Sakae had mentioned that her informant was potentially dangerous, as most drug dealers were. Kakashi hoped that wasn't the case. More than that, he hoped her informant and that boy who had been recording Sakura were two entirely different people. Because if they were indeed the same person, then that confirmed his suspicions that Sakura had been in danger that night.

Or maybe she still was.

Or maybe Sakae had caught onto him.

Or maybe he was just being paranoid again.

Acting nonchalant, Kakashi feigned interest in a loose thread fraying at the corner of the bedsheets. "So what's your guy's name?"

If the informant was a student, he could check the school's database and find the boy. If he wasn't a student, there was a good chance that meant the informant and the boy with weed were not the same person and Sakura was safe... maybe.

"You know I can't tell you that," Sakae shook her head. "It's for his protection."

He inwardly sighed, having hoped she would have been too doped up to care. From the corner of his eye, Kakashi considered the little black USB stick Sakae had set aside on the corner of the bed. "So what did he tell you then?"

Sakae sat up slightly on her elbows to squint at him. "Why do you want to know?"

Still feigning nonchalance, Kakashi shrugged. "You did tell me that the Akatsuki were spotted around the borders of the city lately. Given that I'm not exactly on friendly terms with them, I just want to know if I need to take any precautionary measures."

"You and I both know the Akatsuki isn't your typical gang," Sakae said. "The Akatsuki's got class. If they wanted to kill you, they'd do it in a way that couldn't be traced back to them. So you don't have to worry about drive-by shootings or anything of that sort."

No, but a drive-by shooting would be the least of Kakashi's concerns if the Sharingan ever got on the streets.

"Oh, I see," Sakae smiled slyly and shook her head at him like he was a naughty boy caught in his lie. "You still haven't gotten over your last mission, huh? After that shark guy—Kisame!" Kakashi flinched ever so slightly when she snapped her fingers upon remembering the name. "That's his name! Yeah, after he committed suicide, you were left without any leads. And then let me guess: they pulled the plug on your operation when they saw how badly you were spiraling?"

He could already feel his finger twitching; a telltale sign that often preceded the tremors.

Kakashi casually slipped both hands into the pockets of his slacks. "I'm telling you, the Akatsuki are dangerous. If you ask me, I'd take that information to Inoichi or even Shikaku. Let their team handle it."

Sakae guffawed at his suggestion. "And let them fuck up a story I've been investigating for years? Yeah, no thanks. Besides, last I heard, Inoichi's been making no progress."

"Exactly why you should give the drive to him and let his team handle it," Kakashi insisted, but his plea fell on deaf ears as Sakae sat up to study her nails in disinterest. "Listen, the Akatsuki are far too dangerous for you to handle alone."

"Kakashi, you did infiltration missions," Sakae said, her tone a little more snappy now. "You know very well that when you do reconnaissance, you don't send a spy to do it. You send a journalist. And there's no better spy than a female journalist. They won't even see me coming! At most, they'll see me as a harmless bimbo."

Still unconvinced, Kakashi opened his mouth to argue back but Sakae lifted her focus from her nails onto him. There was a sharp glint in her gaze that she often reserved for men who had a poor knack for telling her what to do.

Knowing he ultimately had no say in the matter, Kakashi stayed silent and looked aside. He'd glimpsed a fraction of the power of the Akatsuki back when the gang had been little more than a ragtag bunch of guerilla fighters seeking to depose corrupt governments. In the years since he'd retired from the military, the Akatsuki had grown in number and in power. Last he heard from Inoichi, the roots of the organization were beginning to spread across countries now, embedding deep in systems to sow the seeds of their influence.

Kakashi knew why Sakae was so desperate to take down the Akatsuki by herself. It had little to do with her job as an investigative reporter and more to do with the personal grudge she'd always carried against anyone and everyone who abused helpless children. She'd been one of those helpless children once upon a time, and now as a woman, she wanted justice—vengeance.

As if sensing the mood darken between them, Sakae scooted off the bed and sauntered over to him. He could already see her intentions just by the flirty smile on her face as she slung her arms around his neck, her perfume cloying his lungs.

"Hey, let's celebrate, hm?" She purred against his chest and then stood up on tiptoes to kiss his neck. Her smile faltered when a hand settled over her shoulder and gently but firmly pushed her away from Kakashi. Seeing him shuffle back to put distance between them, Sakae rolled her eyes. "If you don't have a condom, it's fine. Today's a safe day for me and I can take a morning-after pill as an extra precaution."

"The pill isn't foolproof," Kakashi replied distractedly as he scanned the bed. "Besides, I'm not here for that. I just wanted to follow up on your meeting with the informant."

And to check if the informant and the boy from the cafeteria were one and the same person. But if Sakae wasn't going to give him any answers, then he had little reason to stay any longer.

He brushed past her to pick up the little black USB stick that had almost gotten lost in the folds of the bedsheets. "Is this flashdrive your only copy?"

"Yes, damn it, it's my only copy so no touchy!" She reached over and snatched back her tiny stick of information, hugging it to her bosom protectively. That he'd rebuffed her advances left Sakae disgruntled and frowning at him. "What's wrong with you? Your anti-depressants can't get it up for you today? Or are you that worried you'll get me pregnant?"

"I think you should rest and then make a backup of that drive as soon as you can," Kakashi chose to divert the topic instead. It wasn't like he could just admit the truth and spill everything about the one particular student in his class that he'd grown dangerously fond of.

But Sakae didn't fall for his diversion tactic. Instead, she tilted her head and scrutinized him, her beautiful face souring with impatience and disappointment. "Would it really be that awful if you did knock me up?" she asked unexpectedly.

Upon seeing the face Kakashi made in response, she recoiled from the hurt but then quickly struck back with anger.

"Oh, don't give me that look!" Sakae snapped at him. "Why are you so terrified of babies anyway? Because you killed all those brats during that mission?"

Though he tried to shrug off her callousness with a smile, the pain must've been too evident in his features because Sakae was quick to lower her head in apology.

"Maybe... maybe having a child is what you need to overcome your trauma," Sakae said, raising her face to beseech him with those doleful eyes.

Somehow, there was something very familiar about this conversation. Ah, he remembered now. The night before he was deployed on his very first tour, they'd been in this very same room, laying naked in the sheets when Sakae had proposed to make a baby. Her logic back then was that in case he died in the line of fire, then at least a piece of him would live on to honor his legacy.

Kakashi disagreed then, and he disagreed now with a shake of his head.

"That's enough, Sakae. I can't give you children. I won't," he told her, letting years of bitterness wrap around each word so that she could soak it all in and realize that he would never change his mind.

He'd sworn to himself that he would never be anything like his father, having children and then abandoning them for his own convenience. The thought of leaving a child behind in the wake of his death sickened Kakashi, and yet Sakae only looked on in confusion.

"Children don't get asked to be born," he explained to her. "You can't just give birth to one because you want one. They aren't like a pet you feed and walk for some years. Once you bring a child into this world, they are your responsibility for the rest of your life. And if you bring them into this world when you're incapable of taking care of them—"

"Who says we'd be incapable?!" Sakae reeled back, offended by his insinuation. "You and I are both financially stable, and together—"

"You need more than just money to raise a child," Kakashi strictly pointed out, ignoring the scowl she threw him. "You know what my father did—everyone knows. You don't just bring a child into this world and then abandon them just because it's convenient for you."

Sakae took a second to consider him, but she didn't question why he would think that any child of his would end up abandoned by him. Maybe she already knew why, and just didn't care. Not when she had her eye on the prize.

"And yet you've got all these selfish people breeding like rabbits and birthing children into a life of poverty and abuse," she muttered under her breath, but her spite was loud and clear.

"It's more complicated than that. Those people lack access to birth control, reproductive healthcare, and the quality of sex education—"

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit!" Sakae bit out, her beautiful face contorted with an acidic rage. "I was a little orphan girl getting fucked ten times a day just for some bread crumbs because my mommy wanted to give birth to me without actually wanting me! I became that helpless orphan girl because my mom prostituted me to pay for her drugs and ended up getting shot after an argument with the wrong customer!"

Her voice rose an octave higher, and higher as Sakae ranted at him. Kakashi stood there, silently taking the brunt of her outcry and decades of unresolved anger.

"The truth is that too many parents are full of shit and they would sooner sell their one-year-old daughter and her pussy to a man for a bag of fucking rice or an ounce of coke!" she shouted at him. "And then they'll just pop out another daughter to sell for prostitution or a son for slave labor! They know very well that they can't afford kids, but they keep banging and birthing because children are powerless and their little minds pliant to brainwashing—and that makes them the perfect slaves. Just because you don't see it here, that doesn't mean it's not common practice elsewhere. In times of poverty and war, it's the children who suffer most—just as we did! All because of selfish, greedy adults!"

She was huffing madly now, vexed by the years of trauma she'd suffered and witnessed other girls suffer too.

"But you and me?" Sakae laughed and tried to smile reassuringly at Kakashi. "We're nothing like those people! Our children will know nothing but food, warmth, and happiness! We'll give them the love we never had as children, and we'll finally have the love we deserve."

She made it sound so easy. So simple.

But love was neither of those. For her, it was easy and simple only because the cartoons she grew up watching made it look like so. For her, love was the positive moments like tender kisses, hugging loved ones, or cooking breakfast for your partner. And to a degree, yes, that was love.

But for Kakashi, love was holding your teammate's hot guts together so that they wouldn't spill out. Love was running into the line of fire to save your comrade. Love was sharing the last ration bar in the darkness of the night or offering your own back for your partner to rest against.

Save for the histrionic performances by characters in media like Takashi and Junko in the Make-Out series, Kakashi didn't know what love looked like for the average person. He most certainly had no idea what love looked like between a parent and a child. So how could he give any child of his the love that they deserved?

He told Sakae that, and she fell silent. "And how can we do any of that when we don't even love each other?" Kakashi added, seeing her frantically brainstorm some sort of excuse.

"W-We'll give them the best we can," Sakae answered but even she seemed uncertain.

"The best we can give them is a play pretend?" Kakashi shook his head, sad to see that although Sakae was a full-grown woman, she was still in many ways that little orphan girl.

"At least that's better than so many of the families out there who would give their children a lifetime of trauma and nightmares... or sometimes give them absolutely nothing!" Her voice cracked along with the strong front she always put up whenever she felt vulnerable. "I just want a family... the family I never had. Is that so wrong?"

"And so that you can have the fortune you've always wanted?"

Caught off guard and caught red-handed, Sakae jerked back. She thought she was so smooth that he wouldn't catch on to her ulterior intentions, but Kakashi had known Sakae since they were children. He knew just how ambitious she'd always been. How she wanted a child from him because she wanted somebody to love her unconditionally—and keep his money as a bonus too.

"The rumored Hatake fortune you grew up hearing about was and is a myth," Kakashi explained wearily. "My father left me nothing but that prison of a house. The real Hatake fortune that I possess was built by the blood, sweat, and tears of my team and I. There were no handouts or charity for us—just endless sacrifices."

Every ryo bill he'd inherited from his teammates was drenched in blood, and he wouldn't dare touch a single bill even if his life depended on it. He'd earned that money through their blood; a cursed fortune in the possession of the cursed Hatake.

Stepping back, Sakae had to grip the edge of the table to steady herself as she realized her grand scheme was already falling apart at the seams before she could have even enacted it.

"If greed is the root of your desire for having children then you're just as selfish as those people who would give birth to children for the sake of using them," Kakashi rebuked her, unable to hold back his own frustration.

Sakae's bottom lip trembled as if she was balancing precariously on the precipice between an indignant anger and a relenting sadness. Choosing the former, she blinked back the tears to glare at him.

"Then let's not pretend you're so fucking perfect yourself, Kakashi," she spat out. "I know you better than you think. I know you use sex to numb the pain of the war. Whenever you came home from your tours, the first thing you always did was fuck me in this room with your dog tags and uniform still on. You band-aid your pain and trauma with mindless fucking. Sex is your—what did Kurenai call it?—your sleep medicine for when your porn books aren't enough distraction and your pills aren't enough to keep the nightmares at bay. It's your last resort when you feel like you're about to explode. But tell me, does the sex actually help you sleep?"

It was a rhetorical question, but Kakashi crinkled his eyes at her and shrugged. "Well, oxytocin and vasopressin are released upon orgasm, so science says yes."

His counterfeit smile and cheeriness rubbed Sakae the wrong way and she curled her lip in faint disgust. "And there you go again, running away when the truth gets too much for you. I can see how you were able to escape your last intervention."

The smile dropped from Kakashi's face but more so over her first comment than the second. It reminded him all too much of what Sakura had accused him of doing not too long ago: lying. And she'd called him a coward for it. For running away from the truth.

He smiled wryly to himself. I guess I am a coward after all...

The sight of him wallowing in his shame and self-loathing had Sakae's glare softening with pity. She sighed and shook her head. "Kakashi, I don't blame you for relying on sex. I don't criticize you for drinking your sorrows away, and I completely understood when you tried to numb everything with your pain meds a few years ago."

"I wasn't trying to OD," he quickly defended himself.

"No? You just accidentally took a few too many pills and tried to wash it all down with a bottle of alcohol?"

Kakashi clamped a hand across the back of his neck. "I was thirsty?"

Sakae scoffed in disbelief. "Your story is honestly nothing new—and that's why many war veterans end up as homeless drunkards or drug addicts. But the truth is you're so starved for love that you try to substitute sex for it because it's the next closest thing to it. Because you're just so fucking desperate to feel something and that orgasm is the closest you can get to feeling anything." She scanned him from head to toe, reading his body and the story it told. "Every time your hunger for love becomes too unbearable, you look for a fucktastic fuck instead because you're too scared to embrace anyone's love."

Scared. Sakura had called him scared too.

Sakae gave him a flippant grin. "The problem is that a quick fuck can only sate your hunger for so long before you're starving for love again. Am I wrong?"

Kakashi didn't know how to answer that even though she was so right. Once he realized his feelings for Sakura were growing and complicating, he'd gone to the bar and had sex with a woman—whose name he couldn't even remember let alone her face—hoping it would deter him from Sakura. Hoping he could move on from Sakura and reassert his attraction to full-grown, voluptuous women.

Instead, that experience had only confirmed to him that his attraction to Sakura ran far deeper than just a perverse lust for his underage student. It confirmed that he would never be satisfied with just sex with any woman.

He wanted Sakura, and only her.

And now without a way to sate himself, his hunger for her was growing too ravenous that he'd lost reigns of his restraint that day and kissed her. Or more like sexually assaulted her.

But instead of telling Sakae she was right, he merely smiled at her. "Well, what do you think?" he asked, hoping to deflect the attention from himself.

"I think... I was like you once," Sakae chuckled softly to herself. She lowered her attention to the empty bottle still tipped over on its side and reached over to fix it back into its proper place, empty but upright. "I wanted so desperately to be filled with love, but I was too scared to embrace it because of the abuse I went through. So I turned to mindless fucking instead, filling myself with pleasure because it was the next closest thing I could get to love."

Leaning against the table, Sakae wrapped both arms around herself and closed her eyes. "Even if every kiss and touch was meaningless, I could at least pretend that this is what it's like to be held by someone who would love me," she sighed aloud. When her eyes opened, she smiled sadly at Kakashi. "All those one-night stands would leave me satisfied for a while... but never fulfilled. I didn't want to fuck—I wanted to make love. Now I just can't pretend anymore. This lie is slowly killing me from the inside out, and I know it's killing you too, Kakashi."

Peering down at the hands he'd kept stuffed in his pockets the whole time, Kakashi curled his fingers into fists. The scar over his left eye was starting to throb again, faint but persistent. A warning to not step over the line. A reminder of all the crimes he'd committed and the guilt that saddled his shoulders.

It felt like a lifetime ago that Sakura had touched his scar and blown the pain away with a simple children's song. And yet he could still feel the gentle tips of her delicate fingers tracing the scarred tissue across his face like it was yesterday.

His scar ached now, throbbing for the medicine of her touch. But Kakashi didn't deserve such a remedy the same way he didn't deserve Sakura. What he deserved was the phantom pain of this scar to serve as a reminder of his failures. A life-long punishment for the man who was imprisoned by his own guilt.

"I don't need love to survive," Kakashi said softly, feeling the pangs of his own heart throb sharply in his chest.

"Is that what you told yourself when you lost your team?" Sakae asked him. "Is that what war has taught you? To kill your heart before anyone else can?"

"War taught me to survive."

"Well, at this rate, you won't survive for much longer then."

He simply smiled at that. "I never expected to."

Shock flitted through Sakae's face, followed by anger, and then the same weariness that made Kakashi's shoulders droop. She glanced down at the bottle sitting properly on the table. "So if I tried to kill you, would you stop me?"

"Maybe. Maybe not."

She wrapped her fingers around the neck of the bottle, letting her thumb circle the lip. "So if you die now, where would the entire Hatake fortune go to then? Hm?"

Kakashi tapped his chin thoughtfully. "If I die now, I've already made plans to liquefy all my assets and donate everything to the Seven Leaves Orphanage. I'll also let my house be converted to a group home for foster kids. I hear that is what it was originally, so that's what it'll be again when I'm gone. There's plenty of space for a dozen or so children to live there and, with my money and connections, they will be afforded the best services possible."

He'd just finished speaking when Sakae suddenly smashed the bottle against the edge of the table. Fragments of glass spilled across the carpet, but Kakashi's eye was on the jagged edge of the bottle now racing for his throat. He didn't blink—not until Sakura's face scowling in disapproval suddenly crossed his mind.

Without thinking, he yanked a hand out of his pocket to deflect the bottle. It flew out of Sakae's grip, somersaulting through the air before smashing into pieces against the wall.

Sakae didn't stop there as she snatched a bread knife off the table and lunged for him again. And again, Kakashi thought to just let her kill him. Let her play his executioner for the role he played in killing all those children. But just like before, he thought of Sakura and how she would kick his ass for letting himself die here and now. Especially when he had yet to apologize to her for everything.

Yanking his other hand free, Kakashi caught the bread knife between his index and middle finger. The tip of the blade hovered inches away from his scarred eye for a few seconds before Sakae pulled it back with a knowing smirk.

"See? Even with a mask on, you can be such an awful liar sometimes," she drawled out, setting the knife down on the table. "You still want to live—live with love. Just like me."

But Kakashi wasn't anything like her. If Sakae chose another man to settle down with, she would still be able to find the peace and happiness she'd always dreamt of. He, on the other hand, would never be able to have that. Unlike Sakae, there was too much blood on his hands. And unlike Sakae, there was only one person in the world who could gift him the happiness he desired, but she was also the last person Kakashi wanted to trouble with his own issues.

"Your money is only half the truth, y'know," Sakae confessed quietly. "I... I really do love you, Kakashi."

She was doing it again, throwing the word 'love' around so casually. He didn't understand how people could say something so serious so easily. For him, not once in his life had he ever been able to say 'I love you' to anyone. Not to Rin, or Obito, or even his own father who'd died before Kakashi could say it. How could something so complicated be expressed so easily in three simple words?

Seeing his ambivalence, Sakae smiled softly and sat herself down at the table. "At first, I was happy seeing you single," she admitted. "Everyone wanted a taste of the neighborhood bad boy, including myself. And I thought I had a chance with you, but then you never asked me out. So then I thought it was because you already had feelings for Rin, but then when Obito came into the picture, you never did anything. In fact, you seemed happier.

And then I thought you were just too busy with all your military tours and missions to juggle a love life." Her brows drew together as she ruminated over Kakashi's suddenly reserved disposition. Her eyes met his plaintive stare and held him there. "But now I realize... after all these years, it's all because you're still haunted by your father," she whispered the accusation.

Kakashi crossed his arms but said nothing.

"It's why, even when you had Rin and Obito, you still could never let go of the gun. You still couldn't quit the military or the adrenaline of the fight. Even now, your hand still itches for the gun, doesn't it?" she surmised with a brief glance at the bunched muscles of his arms that hid his fists tucked beneath. "You're haunted by your father, and now you're haunted by Rin and Obito too. That's why you're scared to care anymore. Why you're so scared to love again."

The urge to flee nagged at Kakashi, but he knew that would only prove Sakae and Sakura even more right. That he was a coward who ran away from the truth.

As if reading his thoughts, Sakae smiled knowingly. "It's ironic that someone so starved for love is so terrified of it too. So much so that you would rather die with an empty heart rather than a broken one."

She acted as if that was a bad thing, but Sakae had never had to mourn the death of her family. She didn't have to suffer every day the crushing guilt of knowing that she'd killed her loved ones. She didn't have to live with the ghosts of the people she'd loved and killed. Although her heart was closed off, at least it wasn't broken.

Even if he wanted to, how could he give someone his heart again when all the pieces remained scattered? He no longer had the strength to pick up all the shards and put them back together. He no longer had the courage to face the risk of his heart shattering into pieces all over again.

"You deserve to be loved, Sakae," Kakashi said quietly. "But I can't give you that. I can't give anyone that."

Not anymore. Not when everyone and everything he ever loved and touched turned to ash. Not when all he had left to offer were the measly fragments of his broken heart.

Sakae's face fell and she pressed her lips together to hide the downturned corners of her disappointment. There was nothing she could say that could convince him.

"Don't you think you deserve some love too?" she asked, but his silence was all the answer needed. Sakae hung her head low in defeat. "So the Hatake legacy will end with you then, huh? If this is to give your father's ghost the middle finger, just know that you don't win anything either."

"At least I have nothing left to lose."

Sakae perked up at that, sitting up in her chair now. "Then come away with me to Sound. Quit your stupid teaching therapy and help me with the Akatsuki case. If you don't care if you live or die, then you might as well live or die by doing what you do best!"

He frowned. "My best wasn't enough to save my team."

"Then the least you can do is get revenge for them," she insisted. "For Obito."

Seeing where this was going, Kakashi stepped back, rubbing the back of his neck in a show of discomfort. "I think I should go. I have a class to teach."

A quick peek at his wristwatch warned him that lecture would be starting in half an hour.

Miffed by his dismissive attitude, Sakae stood up so fast from her chair that she knocked it down. She flung a hand towards the door behind him. "There are children out there suffering at the hands of monsters—just as we did! They need our help! They need your help! Not these children you teach!"

The spite she had for these privileged youths only spurred Kakashi to turn away from her, but she caught the edge of his sleeve.

"There are so many Anatomy professors who can take your place but there is only one Commander Hatake," Sakae pleaded with him. "Please, help me take down the Akatsuki. For all the children who have suffered and all the children who will suffer."

Kakashi shot his eyes to the flashdrive she'd set down on the table to tempt him. Then he peered down at the fingers pinching his sleeve tightly, the sight of which reminded him of the little boy who'd grabbed onto his sleeve just like so. Just before Kakashi had to kill him.

Gently, he pried his shirt free from her hold. "I'm going to be late to class."

She seemed to go through all the stages of grief as she watched him make his way for the door. But eventually, Sakae sighed in acceptance, knowing full well that she couldn't change his mind to come take down the Akatsuki with her just like how he couldn't change her mind to leave the Akatsuki to the professionals.

Just as Kakashi grabbed the doorknob, she called out to him and he turned to her expectantly.

"I'll be staying at this hotel for the week, but I'm catching another plane as soon as all my leads here dry up." She handed him a card from the hotel with her room number and phone number scribbled on the back. "If you stay here, the least you can do is keep an eye on that student of yours—that Sakura girl."

Kakashi looked sharply to her. "So you think Sakura's in danger?"

"You're the soldier. What does your gut tell you?"

"It's hard to say when my gut is always telling me everything's a potential threat," he admitted bitterly. "You're the journalist. What do you think?"

"I don't know. I've just got a feeling that she's got a story brewing and I don't know if it has a happy ending," Sakae shrugged but her lips remained pursed with apprehension. "Or maybe, as a woman, I'm just being paranoid about another girl's safety."

You're not the only one feeling paranoid, Kakashi wanted to tell her.

"What if it is just paranoia?" he asked hesitantly.

What if it was just his PTSD? What if he was just needlessly interfering with Sakura's affairs? What if she didn't need him to protect her after all?

"Better safe than sorry," Sakae replied, waving off his concern. "Just listen to your gut instinct and if you think she needs help, then help her. Do it as a favor for me."

Easier said than done, but his help was the last thing Sakura would want from him.

Sakae trekked back to the table and snatched up a piece of paper to hand to him. It was an airline pamphlet advertising a flight destination for Sound and all its hottest tourist spots.

"But if you change your mind, call me and I'll save you a seat on the plane." She winked at him although her gaze remained apprehensive. When he opened the door and stepped outside, she lingered at the threshold, her expression sober but somber. "Remember, Kakashi, it's not selfish to want to be happy. Just because we're broken toys, that doesn't mean we're no longer deserving of love. I'm sure Rin would have told you the same."

Kakashi paused for a moment but then proceeded to tuck the papers in his back pocket and draw out his car keys.

"Be careful with the Akatsuki," he told Sakae, giving her a warning look before departing for school.

He didn't know if she would heed his warning, but it was none of his business. Besides, he had other business to attend to and he was glad to put all that Akatsuki business behind when he arrived late to class (as usual) and woke up his half-asleep students with a pop quiz.

Interestingly enough, Sakura had chosen to sit in her usual front-row seat instead of picking the many empty seats behind her. Kakashi couldn't tell if that was her way of challenging him. After all, she was the kind of girl who didn't back down from anything or anyone. She was admirably stubborn like that, but he noted that she kept her eyes on her paper all day. Both for lecture and for lab.

So she was avoiding him—or at least his eyes. Okay, that was fine. If she needed space, then Kakashi would respect that and give her all the space she needed before apologizing to her.

But he still didn't have a plan for that yet, and when she approached him in lab class to turn in her worksheet, Kakashi didn't even have the chance to ask her to stay after class. As soon as he nodded in approval of her answers, Sakura had quickly pivoted away, nearly bumping into the next person in line.

So she still needed more space. All right then...

But what if she decided to avoid him for the rest of the semester? How would he be able to apologize to her then?

He tried to tell himself that was the least of his concerns as he kept an eye out for weed boy while on campus. But with Konoha U so large in size, Kakashi didn't see any student that resembled the hooded kid from the cafeteria. Which meant Kakashi was left with his main concern at hand: how to apologize to Sakura?

By the end of the day, he'd still come up with no game plan.

Now the panic was starting to creep in and Kakashi tossed and turned in bed that night. Dosed up on sleep aids, he tried to read through Make-Out Paradise to lull himself to sleep. Instead, he ended up spending the whole night re-reading the entire novel series, studying how Takashi always managed to win back Junko's love whenever a new rival appeared. It involved a lot of begging, flowers, chocolates, serenades, flirting, teasing, kissing, and finally a sweaty session of makeup sex—none of which Kakashi was allowed to use on Sakura.

When the birds outside started to chirp their good mornings for the world, Kakashi snapped his book shut with a sigh.

His research had been fruitless.

Rubbing his scarred eye, he rose out of bed more exhausted than when he'd slipped into bed.

With a yawn, he watered Mr. Ukki first before taking the dogs out for their morning jog together. He hoped the exercise would get his brain pumping with ideas but he returned to the house just as empty-handed as when he'd left it.

Even a hot mug of coffee wasn't enough of an adrenaline shot. When he arrived at Kurenai's house with his dogs in tow and a second cup in his hand, the first thing Asuma said to him was that he looked awful.

"As I recall, you gained a few wrinkles when you started your first year of teaching," Kurenai teased her husband before kissing him goodbye on the cheek.

Thankfully, the dogs kept Kurenai distracted from Kakashi's drabby mood as he drove them to her favorite plaza. Although she'd insisted to shop at the plaza, Kakashi thought it made more sense to go shopping at a mall instead. Even in early October, Konoha weather was still balmy that he worried the heat might exhaust Kurenai.

But she didn't complain as they walked down the street where her favorite baby boutiques were lined up. Since it was a morning and a weekday, the plaza was mostly empty so they had the stores all to themselves for a while.

Within a few hours, Kakashi's arms were ladened with shopping bags stuffed to the brim with clothes. He was already struggling to juggle the bags while wrangling a parade of dogs, but Kurenai didn't seem to notice as she strode on ahead in search of another boutique.

Seriously, how many onesies did a baby need?!

Not really one to complain, Kakashi kept silent as he trailed after Kurenai until she stopped at a store. Sensing her hesitation, Kakashi glanced past her shoulder to find that the boutique she wanted to visit was packed with moms pushing strollers around and hauling their children with them. There were some fathers around but they mostly hung back to let their partners do the shopping and wrangling of children.

Some of those children had leashes on them, preventing them from running too far when their harness jerked on the line. The dogs whined in confusion at the sight, but Kakashi was too busy listening to the squeals of laughter or angry wails that filled the store.

His heart started pounding harder as those squeals and wails rose in pitch until they were screams of terror.

"Kakashi?" Kurenai called his name carefully.

He could hardly hear her over the sound of his ragged breaths. It was hard to breathe all of a sudden and the dogs were already taking turns licking at his numb fingers. Pakkun pawed at his leg, warning him of the attack creeping up now in waves of panic and nausea.

Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight back the images of toddler shoes strewn across rubble, broken dolls missing half of their faces, and kids playing hot potato with live grenades.

"Kakashi?"

His head was aching and he had to sit himself down on the curb. Hanging his head low between his knees, he practiced the breathing exercises taught to him while one of the dogs—Akino—started massaging his back. The pressure therapy melted some of the tension from his body, but it still wasn't enough.

Pakkun wedged himself onto Kakashi's lap, letting his warm fur anchor his master to reality. The small weight of him on top was like an anti-anxiety blanket and Kakashi focused on the sensations of his dogs comforting him with fuzzy hugs and wet kisses.

Beside him, Kurenai sat down, giving him a respectful amount of space. "I'm sorry. That was too much for you, wasn't it?"

Kakashi peered up to find her face ridden with guilt. "I'm fine," he managed to say. "Go on ahead, I'll just take a break here."

She opened her mouth to argue with that idea, but he reassured her with his signature crease-eyed smile. Seeing that he wanted to be left alone for the time being, Kurenai relented with a respectful nod and stood up to give him the space he needed.

Sitting outside and inhaling the fresh air, Kakashi now knew why Kurenai had chosen to go shopping at a plaza instead of a mall. He was grateful for her careful consideration if a little embarrassed. Having had no major episodes for the past couple of months, he thought she'd dropped her guard. Obviously, she hadn't, although she acted normal and calm for his sake.

"I'm all right," he murmured to Pakkun, stroking the little pug's head in praise.

His other dogs crowded around him, still sniffing and licking his hands and face to make sure he was okay. Their tails started to wag giddily when they saw their master had the strength to stand up now.

Glancing over to the boutique, Kakashi watched Kurenai browse through some clothes, sometimes pausing to make idle chat with a fellow soon-to-be mother.

Figuring he'd read a bit while waiting, Kakashi set the bags aside to pull out his Make-Out Tactics book and skim through a chapter quickly. He'd just gotten to the part where Takashi was about ready to propose to Junko when Kurenai returned with a small bag in hand.

"Do you want to rest?" Kakashi asked as she fanned herself with her hand.

"Don't worry about me!" She waved off his concern and turned to head for the next boutique when her foot lost balance.

She stumbled a step before Kakashi caught her by the elbow.

"Are you sure?" he asked again, giving her swollen feet a pointed look.

Kurenai gave in with a sigh. "Well, when you've got a heavy belly like mine, you tend to lose your balance easily."

He hummed at her excuse and guided her to the food court where they searched for a table with an umbrella to shade them from the afternoon sun. As soon as Kurenai sat down, she propped her feet up on the chair next to her and continued to fan herself. Knowing she was tired, Kakashi left the dogs to look after her as he went off to order some food and refreshments for them.

Kurenai gave him the strangest requests with her order. She wanted her noodles extra spicy and topped with potato chips. Then she also wanted vanilla ice cream with a side of pickles to dip them in. The only thing normal from her order was a bottle of water.

As soon as he delivered her tray of food to her, she gorged down on it, alternating between the sweet, the spicy, and the salty with one fork. Kakashi watched her, fascinated by how a baby in the belly could make a woman want to eat some of the most strangest combinations of dishes ever.

"Maybe you should've been my husband," Kurenai joked, scooping up a dab of ice cream with a slice of pickle. "At least you don't get disgusted by my weird cravings. Asuma lost his appetite the first day."

Kakashi scratched his cheek. "Can't say it looks the most appetizing, but it looks a lot better than some of the things I ate in the jungle."

"Oh? And what's the best thing you ate in the jungle?"

"Raw heart." He raised a fist. "About this size."

Kurenai's nose crinkled. "You ate it raw?"

He shrugged. "I was hungry."

"And you're not hungry now?" She gestured to his side of the table which was empty of any food save for his own bottle of water. Kurenai had insisted on treating him as thanks for accompanying her on her shopping trip, but Kakashi hadn't ordered anything. "Since we were kids, you were never one to turn down an offer for a free meal. So what's wrong?"

"I'm... on a diet?" he tried, only for Kurenai to reprimand him with a stern look. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just not hungry."

She scrutinized him over a pickle slice. "No, something's wrong. We passed by five promotional videos for the upcoming live-action series of Make-Out Tactics and you walked right by all of them—without giggling, screaming, or wiggling your ass like you used to!"

"I'm... sorry?"

Kurenai wiped her mouth before leaning back in her chair to study his nonchalance. "Tell me what's wrong. Is it Sakae?"

He blinked. "You—"

"Knew she'd visited town recently, yes," Kurenai nodded. "She visited me as well to see the baby. I also knew you met up with her at the bar. Aren't you getting a little too old for one-night stands, Kakashi?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means exactly what I mean."

"I didn't have sex with her if that's what you're thinking," he felt the need to clarify. "She invited me to her room because she needed my professional expertise on bugging it."

"Oh? To spy on people? How romantic." Kurenai looked unamused.

"It was just for her protection," Kakashi explained, exasperated that Kurenai assumed otherwise. "Some of the people she interviews are dangerous. Her informant is supposedly someone who's been involved with the drug cartels."

He was careful not to mention the Akatsuki or else that would give Kurenai even more reason to fret over him.

Thankfully, Kurenai seemed to accept his excuse as she resumed eating her spicy noodles garnished with chips. "Well, if you want to get into the dating scene now's the time to do it. You're not getting any younger, you know."

"Don't tell me it's my hair?" Kakashi tried to joke to lighten up the mood. Seeing that she was serious with her suggestion, he dropped all pretense. "I'm not suited to have children, Kurenai. Neither am I suited for marriage. I'd feel sorry for anyone who gets stuck with me."

Kurenai disagreed with an exasperated sigh. "You always were the most stubborn out of all of us."

I know one person who's more stubborn than me, Kakashi almost said as a certain pink-haired student flashed through his thoughts. "Actually, I think Guy beats me in that department," he commented instead, smiling to ease Kurenai's worries.

Having wisened up in her years now, Kurenai crossed her arms over her belly and gave him a strict stare. "I'm your friend, Kakashi, and that means I worry about you."

"What's there to worry about?"

"You know what I mean. Asuma and the other guys won't confront you about it because, for some reason, men think it's unmanly," she air quoted, "to talk with each other about their feelings. But being married to Asuma has taught me that sometimes it's best to just be upfront about it."

"Isn't that what therapy is for?" Kakashi asked and then winced at his own slip-up.

Kurenai tipped a brow at him. "Last I heard, you're not going."

Grabbing his water bottle, he feigned ignorance as he turned his attention to the dogs to give them some water.

"Kakashi, when you returned from that mission, carrying all those body bags with you... and then at the funeral..." she trailed off, hesitant to rip open those old wounds of his. "I saw the look on your face that day. And before I could ask if you were okay, you went off on another tour... and another... and another... and another. You stopped coming home. You threw yourself into your work—into killing people."

"I was serving my country—"

"No, you were not," Kurenai shook her head. "You were trying to run away from the pain. You were hurting so much that you tried to redirect that pain by hurting others. That's what people who are angry and hurt after losing someone do: they seek revenge."

But Kakashi wasn't seeking revenge anymore. He'd given that up long ago after Kisame's suicide left him without any more leads. Did Kurenai think he was still vindictive enough to want to throw himself into the fray once more? Sakae had thought so...

"And what does this have to do with Sakae?"

"She was an outlet for your pain, wasn't she? The same way your pain meds were?" Kurenai observed him carefully although he kept his features schooled and stoic. "But she could've been more than that if you just gave her—or anyone—the chance."

"I don't love her," Kakashi said plainly.

"But that's the thing, isn't it? You don't give people a chance because you're afraid to care too much," Kurenai pointed out. "You're afraid to love again because of what happened with your father. Because of what happened with your team. You loved them, and when they died, so did your heart."

"I didn't realize everyone's a psychologist these days," Kakashi spoke sharply. "I would appreciate if you stop trying to read me."

"I'm not reading you as a psychologist. I'm looking at you as a friend—"

"Then don't talk of things you don't understand," he said before forcing a crease-eyed smile.

But the warning in Kakashi's sharp tone gave Kurenai pause for a second. Sucking her teeth in frustration, she considered him and the way he closed himself off by pulling out his book to read. To hide his face with.

"I don't need to understand everything," she eventually said. "But I understand that you deserve happiness. Even if it's just a sliver of it. Don't you want a happy ever after just like in your books?"

"Fiction and reality are two different things, and I know how to separate the two."

"You deserve to be happy, Kakashi." A finger curled over the top edge of the page to nudge his book down. Kurenai smiled warmly at him over the brim. "The boys and I, we're rooting for you."

Pakkun barked in agreement, prompting the other dogs to start yapping off as if to cheer him on.

"Is that what your intervention was for?" Kakashi couldn't help but inquire.

The smile on Kurenai's face dropped and she frowned down at her empty tray. "You gave us no choice. We thought you were going to hurt yourself again. We thought... we thought you were going to end up like your father."

He turned his face aside to hide a wince. Across their table, he could see a mother breastfeeding her baby while the father was busy making airplane motions to feed his distracted toddler. They were the very picture of a perfect, loving family. Nothing like his own mother who'd died giving birth to him. Or his father who'd committed suicide and left him behind.

But Kakashi wondered if maybe he was just as bad as his father. Or possibly worse. He doubted his father had ever slaughtered a bunch of children before.

"You'd really root for me?" he asked Kurenai. "After what happened? After what I did?"

She must've heard even a few of the details. After all, a prestigious commander of the Anbu unit didn't just suddenly retire after botching a high-rank mission. Although any specifics from the report had been redacted as highly classified information, Kakashi's abrupt discharge had been the talk of the town for a while, especially among the young cadets who'd caught wind of the incident and taken to calling him 'friend-killer' behind his back.

Without missing a beat, Kurenai nodded. "Of course I'd root for my friend. A friend I love dearly. And it would break my heart if you thought you weren't deserving of even my love."

Kakashi held back from admitting that he thought just that. That Kurenai and the guys secretly found him burdensome after so many years of having to put up with his crap.

"When this semester started, you began hanging out with the boys more often," Kurenai noted, "playing basketball, boxing, going to the bar together. You hadn't done all that with us in a long while. Not until school began. I don't know what happened recently for you to suddenly open yourself up again like that, but I was just so happy to see you... happier. To see you living again after shutting yourself off for so long. The boys and I want that for you, and I know you want that too."

Even though she hadn't yet given birth, there was already a maternal warmth to her touch as she reached across the table to lay her hand over his.

"It's okay to be happy," she encouraged him with a kind smile.

Kakashi peered down at her hand patting his. "I... don't know how to do that anymore," he admitted.

"You do it with the people who care about you," Kurenai patiently explained. "Me, Asuma, Guy, Iruka, Hayate, and the rest of the boys—we love you, Kakashi. Even though the boys are too shy to say 'I love you' to another man, they care for you. You have so many people who love you and want to help. All you need to do is just take a leap of faith and take our hands. Let us love you."

'I'm asking you to have faith in me... To have faith in us,' Sakura had told him in the car that night.

Kakashi couldn't help but chuckle aloud. He wondered if all of this was exactly what fate had planned for him because it was really ironic.

"Is this the real reason why you insisted I accompany your shopping?" Kakashi speculated, watching Kurenai's cheeks redden to confirm his suspicions. "So this was all a ploy to have this talk with me."

"I had to find some way to get you to come," she grunted, still embarrassed of having been caught.

Casting her eyes down to the napkin she fiddled with, Kurenai sucked in a breath as if to say something else. She stopped, however, and Kakashi waited patiently as she seemed to debate something while tearing at the napkin.

"Kakashi, I'm going to tell you a secret... This isn't the first time I've been pregnant," she breathed out.

It took him a second to understand what she was saying, and when it hit Kakashi, he sat up straighter and more attentive in his chair.

Kurenai lifted her eyes to his, her gaze pensive behind the curls framing her face. "My first pregnancy was when I was sixteen. This was shortly before Asuma ran away from home—and no, he didn't know I was pregnant when he left. But you were there the day I lost the baby."

Kakashi frowned, racking his brain for any sort of memory like that. "I don't remember...?"

"I once asked you to walk me to my doctor's appointment," Kurenai tentatively reminded him. "I didn't tell you, but we were actually heading for an abortion clinic. Rin was the one I had originally planned to escort me, but she got caught up with some chores. While we were walking, I kept wondering if I really wanted to go through with it. I mean, the baby was Asuma's, so of course I'd want to keep it.

But with the war raging on at the borders, crime and gang wars raging at home, and the dire state of our economy... How could I birth a child into a world that was falling apart?" she asked him as if begging for him to understand her reasons. "I was only sixteen. I could barely take care of myself and I couldn't bear the thought of my child suffering the same childhood that Asuma and I had suffered—maybe even worse. And if I'd given birth to a girl..."

A shudder ran through her body and Kurenai hugged her arms to herself before hugging her swollen belly protectively. Kakashi didn't need for her to go into detail to know why she was so terrified of giving birth to a girl in the middle of a crisis. He'd seen plenty of girls as young as eight, toddling around the war-torn streets with their bellies swollen with babies of their own rather than with food.

"But before we reached the clinic... before I could make the decision for sure," Kurenai drew in a shaky breath, "we bumped into a guy from the local gang. He had a grudge against you because his girlfriend had a crush on you. So he brought his friends along and... and you tried to protect me, but there were too many of them. One of them kicked me in the stomach and... well, you know the rest."

He remembered that day now. Kurenai had claimed she wanted to see a doctor because she was so depressed to hear Asuma had run away from home. On the walk to her appointment, some guys had jumped them. The details of the fight were a blur now, but he did remember how Kurenai had complained of severe stomach pain afterward. Kakashi had thought it was because she'd been kicked, but it never crossed his mind that the pain was really from her miscarriage.

He did think Kurenai's sudden urge to use the restroom was strange, and even more strange was that she took almost an hour in there. But although he could smell the faintest whiff of blood, he'd thought that was from her scraped palms, not from...

Oh, how clueless he'd been to his own friend's pain.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi said. "I didn't know—"

"No, how could you have known when I didn't tell you, or Asuma, or anyone?" Kurenai smiled faintly, but the corners of her smile were no longer burdened with sadness—only acceptance. "I kept that secret bottled up along with all my pain because I didn't think anyone would understand me. But the real problem was that I didn't give anyone the chance to. I closed myself off from the people who loved me because I was afraid that they would find me a burden. The baby wasn't born yet, so why would my sob story matter so much? Just cry a bit and move on to more important matters. Or at least, I was afraid that's how everyone would think. What's worse is that I was afraid they would blame me for the miscarriage. I sure did. If only I didn't try to go to the clinic, then maybe..."

She pressed her lips together, wondering that what-if for a brief moment.

"For years, I let the guilt haunt me. For years, I let it beat me up—the same way your guilt is beating you up," Kurenai nodded to him. "It took me so long to accept that it wasn't my fault. That it was something that had been out of my control. Now I know better and I can finally move on and focus on the gifts that life has given me."

Kakashi could hear what Kurenai was trying to tell him, but that still didn't give him the urge to spill all of his own secrets. He had enough skeletons in the closet banging to be let out, and he doubted letting them loose would set him at ease.

Still, he appreciated Kurenai's mature approach to her own situation. He admired her for that because he knew, even now, she likely still blamed herself a bit on her bad days for what happened that day.

"Kurenai, you're going to be a wonderful mother," Kakashi assured his friend.

She laughed and dabbed a finger at the corner of her eyes, muttering something about her damn pregnancy hormones turning her into a sappy mess. After making sure her mascara wasn't running, she gave Kakashi a pointed look. "I think you'd be a wonderful father too. Maybe not now, but someday."

Kakashi's lips twisted at that but he tried to hide his discomfort with a sip from his water bottle.

Seeing his face, Kurenai snorted. "Just like you, Asuma would always say that he would never have a child because he wasn't suited to be a parent. Look where he is now—buying crib parts for his soon-to-be-born baby. Never say never, Kakashi," she chided him gently. "All you can do is take a leap of faith and accept the gifts you're given."

He hesitated. "I'll... open those gifts later then."

Or never.

Kurenai looked skeptical. "But you're running out of time, you know. It's not good for men to wait too long since the DNA in your sperm mutates with age. My fertility doctor said that male fertility peaks in men between the ages of thirty and thirty-five. Oh please," she snorted at the face Kakashi was making. "Don't be immature, we're not children anymore. Family planning shouldn't be an embarrassing discussion to have."

It wasn't that Kakashi was embarrassed or disgusted over this kind of discussion. He was just horrified that this seemed like a repeat of his conversation with Sakae when she'd practically begged him to make a baby with her. And raising a child of his own was a life-long mission that Kakashi was sure he would botch on day one.

"Your early thirties are also the time when you produce high volumes of semen," Kurenai continued, indifferent to Kakashi's visible discomfort. "Oh, stop giving me that look—it's your body's biological way of telling you that now is the best time to make a baby."

Kakashi almost choked on his water. "I'll keep that in mind," he coughed out.

He still couldn't see himself ever having a child let alone raising one. The thought of sharing any kind of love like that terrified him, but he didn't tell Kurenai that after she'd gone through the effort of sharing her own story. Besides, since he was approaching middle age, he supposed it was only natural that his friends would start worrying about him ending up a lonely old man who still giggled over porn books. He already had the hair to show for it anyway.

Satisfied that he'd seemingly conceded to her, Kurenai's smile brightened and she collected her tray and purse so that they could leave. "Now if you're not going to argue with me on this, then I think it's time we look for more headbands."

"But babies are mostly bald. What would they need headbands for?"

Kurenai laughed. "Because they're mostly bald."

With that, she took the lead and headed for the next store on her list. Kakashi trailed after her with shopping bags and dog leashes in both hands.

When they arrived home later that evening, Asuma had just finished prepping dinner and Kurenai invited Kakashi to stay and eat with them. Judging by the roses at the center of the table and the candles that had yet to be lit, however, Kakashi didn't think Asuma had planned for a third wheel to join them.

"You cooked all my favorites?" Kurenai purred to her husband, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him in for a kiss that left his mouth stained a passionate red.

"I like to keep my ladies well-fed," Asuma murmured back, affectionately stroking the prominent bump of his wife's belly.

"Asuma was really happy to hear we're having a girl," Kurenai glanced at Kakashi over her shoulder. "He was so eager for one, I'm starting to think he jinxed it."

"We could always try for a boy later," Asuma suggested in a voice deeper and more sultry than usual. His wife blushed and cleared her throat, reminding her husband of their guest.

Feeling like a fourth wheel now, Kakashi thought it was best to turn down their offer for dinner. Asuma nodded gratefully at him over the top of his wife's head, although Kurenai insisted that he stay and eat with them.

"I have some leftovers in the fridge that will go bad if I don't finish them tonight," Kakashi said while Kurenai snuck some treats to the dogs.

He didn't explain that those leftovers were from the meals a favorite student of his had cooked for him last week. Nor did he bother to mention that he'd already polished off almost every last morsel of her food.

They seemed to accept that answer and bade him a good night and his dogs a bag of biscuits.

Sitting in his car by the curb, Kakashi peered over the dashboard to study the warm lights glowing within the windows of his friends' house. Even from outside, he could hear Kurenai's giggles as her husband said something to her. Since they were kids, Asuma had always had that sort of power around her. No matter how bad of a day Kurenai had, he could always break through those dark clouds like a ray of sunshine and brighten her day.

Sakura has that power too, Kakashi couldn't help but think to himself.

With a shake of his head, he stuck his key in the ignition and peeled away from the curb.

The night was still young, so he decided to drop by Guy's gym and break a bit of sweat first. The parking lot was virtually empty when he arrived, but that was to be expected since the gym was already closed for the day at this time.

The windows were pitch black at the front and the place was dead silent, meaning Kotetsu and Izumo had already locked up for the night. They had yet to start putting up the Halloween decorations, but Kakashi could understand why; Guy always insisted on having the largest, most extravagant, flashy décor that practically lit up the whole neighborhood.

The extra set of keys Guy gave to him spun around Kakashi's forefinger as he headed for the side door to slip inside. At his heels, Akino whined aloud as he was afraid of the dark since his vision wasn't as sharp as when he was younger.

Kakashi frowned up at the lightbulb hanging by the door. It was normally turned on once Kotetsu and Izumo finished locking up the place.

Did they forget?

But that was the last of his worry as Kakashi grabbed the doorknob and found it already unlocked.

The hairs on the back of his neck rose up. Behind him, the dogs started to twitch their noses and growl low in warning. Kakashi tipped his face closer and took a deep whiff of the entrance, noting the subtle stink that was not common to the facility which Guy always kept spick and span.

He automatically reached for his gun until he remembered that he didn't carry anymore.

Carefully, Kakashi nudged the door open. A gaping mouth of darkness welcomed him as he lingered at the threshold. He took a cautious step into the pool of darkness and—

THUD!

A hooded figure shoved past him and bounded past the dogs who instantly shot after him.

Swearing under his breath, Kakashi gave chase with Pakkun leading the pack. The mysterious figure sprinted on ahead, cutting across the street and nearly colliding with the elderly couple walking their poodle.

Kakashi's boys darted across the street as well, forcing the old man and woman to cry out in surprise of the dog parade skirting past them. Shiba slowed down briefly to sniff the poodle's butt, but the distraction lasted only a second before he was back to racing with his brothers.

"Sorry!" Kakashi shouted, leaping over the couple's poodle to keep up with his dogs.

The figure was already slowing down, likely running out of breath now, but he resorted to shoving down trash cans, kicking aside potted plants, and even throwing rocks and shoving bystanders to deter the dogs. The boys bounded across the obstacles with ease, having been trained to endure far more grueling challenges on the battlefield.

Upon seeing the hooded man turn into an alley, Kakashi let out a sharp whistle before splitting off from his dogs. With Pakkun leading the chase to herd the guy into a corner, Kakashi took a detour through another alley and down a different street. The wind whistled in his ears as he leaped over plant decors and across staircases, tucking his shoulder in for a roll upon landing.

Several bystanders watched on, confused to see a pack of service dogs snarling and snapping ferociously at the heels of a guy in a hoodie. Unbeknownst to him, the mutts were just keeping him on the right track for their master.

Desperate to lose the damn dogs, the figure hopped over a metal fence, landing heavily on his back with a painful 'thud!'

The pug at the front howled, shrill and loud while the figure stood up victoriously and safely on the other side of the fence.

With no time to waste, he dashed away, emerging from between two buildings only to be body slammed to the pavement by a muscled figure far taller and heavier than him. The figure screamed in indignation, flailing his fists and feet to get Kakashi off him.

Catching the bright gleam of a serrated knife coming for his face, Kakashi quickly rolled aside. He kicked at his assailant's hand, sending the knife skittering across the sidewalk. The hooded figure scrambled to his feet before Kakashi swiped his legs out so that he crashed back down to the ground.

Rolling back on top, Kakashi pinned the guy down, faintly noting how lanky—almost frail—the stranger was beneath those baggy clothes. With a quick hand, he wrenched back the hoodie and a ratty, navy-blue baseball cap tumbled off the guy's head, revealing shaggy dark hair that stunk of grease and sweat.

Beneath those sticky bangs, wild blue eyes fixed onto him.

Kakashi halted in faint recognition of the boy beneath him. It wasn't the weed boy from the cafeteria but...

"Goro?!"


A/N: Hiatus is over and I'm happy to say that my family member has stabilized. Thank you for your well wishes & prayers, and of course your patience too!

Also, I'm actually surprised most people agreed with Mei's point in the last chapter (that Sakura is ungrateful of how much she's protected by those who care about her while victims like Mei have no one like Kakashi to look out for their wellbeing). But it still begs the question of whether Kakashi is being paranoid and needlessly overprotective of Sakura, or are his instincts right and Sakura is truly in danger? His instincts about Mizuki targeting Sakura had been right and he saved her from falling victim to Mizuki just in the nick of time, but there is still the issue of Kakashi's PTSD clouding his judgment.


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