The Anatomy of Love
Written By: Banana007
Chapter 31: A Reason to Live For
Beeeep!
The tingling scent of mint wafted out when Kakashi opened the microwave and retrieved the piping hot mug of tea from within. Ignoring the packets of sugar, he checked the cupboard for the bottle of honey instead, scooping a dollop into the mug before mixing it well.
With the tea in hand, he tugged the freezer open and pulled out one of the many ice packs Guy liked to keep in stock for the amateurs who got too cocky in the ring. Turning away from the kitchen counter, he headed to the table at the far corner of the break room where Goro kept himself huddled to the wall.
"For your face," Kakashi handed the ice pack over, gesturing to the fresh welt across the boy's cheek. He set the mug down and slid it over as well. "And for your nerves."
Long, bony fingers peeked out from the boy's tattered sleeves as he reached for the tea and lifted it to his chapped lips. So as to not startle the kid, Kakashi made sure to move at a deliberate pace as he sat down on the opposite bench of the table. He decided to give Goro a minute to himself first. Just enough for the tea to take the edge off and calm him down. In the meantime, he quickly assessed the boy's condition, noting that the odor from earlier came from him.
That was no surprise considering Goro looked like he'd just come crawling out of whatever hole he'd been hiding in for the past week or so. His skin had a sickly pale color to it, almost glistening with a thin layer of sweat that Kakashi wasn't sure was from their recent run. The tips of his nails were long and splitting with plenty of dirt caked beneath.
And when Goro let out a quiet burp, Kakashi had to discreetly turn his face aside to avoid breathing in the rancid notes. From the corner of his eye, he observed the bruised knuckles on the boy's right hand—his dominant hand, he guessed. Based on the ugly yellow color of the skin, it seemed the bruise was at least a week old.
There were other bruises beneath his hoodie too, judging by the way Goro sometimes winced when he moved a certain way. And the edge of his shirt had brown specks—blood stains that were a couple of days old.
Somebody had attacked the kid. That would explain why he was so jumpy. Why he'd tried to run away the moment Kakashi had opened the door.
"You sure they won't bite me?" Goro murmured over the rim of his cup. He was watching the dogs who stared back at him with just as much wariness.
"Not unless I order them to," Kakashi reassured the boy, but that only seemed to frighten him even more.
Goro took another sip of his tea, completely oblivious to the fact that the dogs could've mauled him to death earlier when they gave chase. He'd thought he had outrun the dogs when the truth of the matter was that the dogs had merely herded him into a trap so that their master could catch him. But the boy was already shaken by the experience that Kakashi didn't think he needed to explain that to him.
"So what were you doing here?" Kakashi asked once Goro was no longer holding the mug in a death grip.
"Guy-sensei let me in."
"To stay?"
Goro peered down at his reflection in the mug. "I... have nowhere to go," he mumbled.
Kakashi nodded slowly. It was to his understanding that Guy had always had a soft heart for troubled boys, so he wasn't surprised to hear that his old friend had offered his gym as a shelter of sorts to even stray kids like Goro. But the problem was that Goro wasn't just any homeless kid in need of a safe place to sleep or hide in; he was a drug dealer.
"If you're in trouble, the police station is your best bet. Or at least better than a gym."
Panicked blue eyes flitted up to him and then side to side as if the kid expected to be hauled off his ass and out of his only safe haven. "A-Are you going to kick me out?"
Kakashi glimpsed the way those bony fingers wrapped tight around the mug again, so tight he thought the porcelain might crack.
He sighed and stood up. "No, that's up to Guy. If he says you can stay, then you can stay."
The boy's shoulders drooped with relief and he returned to sipping at his tea.
"But if I see any drugs on you, I will have to tell him," Kakashi warned him with a stern look. "This gym is not a place of business. It's a place to train. Is that understood?"
Goro nodded vigorously. "Y-Yes, sir!"
There was a pause as Kakashi considered if there might be any needles or drugs on the boy's person. If so, he could always confiscate it just to make sure Goro didn't use while staying here. But he wasn't the kid's father, and Goro was old enough to know very well what the consequences would be if he made the mistake of using tonight.
"There's a first-aid kit in the office If you need it," Kakashi thought to mention first before making his way out of the break room.
He'd hardly taken a few steps when the door behind him creaked open.
"Y-You don't have to worry about the drugs, you know," Goro insisted, following him to the ring with the dogs dutifully tailing him. "I'm clean, I swear it."
"Are you?" Kakashi carried on, picking up his gym bag from the corner and picking through for a roll of gauze.
Goro frowned and stepped closer to Kakashi, only to back away when Pakkun and the boys perked up to growl at him. "You don't believe me? Figures."
Sitting down at one of the chairs, Kakashi took the moment to wrap his hands with the gauze and study the boy fidgeting across from him. A yawn escaped Goro just as Kakashi finished wrapping his hands. "A former colleague of mine was arrested recently," he said, standing up to hook up one of the punching bags. "You might know him as Professor Mizuki?"
A quick glance over his shoulder showed Goro standing in confusion. He didn't recognize the name.
"He was caught drugging his female students," Kakashi explained, carefully watching Goro's reaction from the corner of his eye as he finished setting up the bag. "He almost raped a favorite student of mine, so forgive me if I'm still on the fence about drug dealers."
If Goro was bothered by the dry remark, he didn't seem to care as his eyes widened now in recognition of the teacher's name. "Wait, yeah, it was on the news! They were saying a Konoha U professor was caught drugging and screwing the freshman girls in his classes. Hold up, what do you mean he almost raped your student...?"
Something twisted in Kakashi's gut in response to the question. For a long moment, he didn't answer as he kept himself occupied with the punching bag. His fists struck the stuffed vinyl over, and over, and over, shaking the bag and rattling the chain that attached it to the hook.
"I got in touch with the FBI when I found out what Mizuki was doing to his students," Kakashi eventually answered.
He returned to striking the bag, harder now while Goro gaped at him.
"You were the anonymous tipper?" Goro laughed in amazement when Kakashi grunted in answer. "Well, shit! Guy-sensei always said you guys were like the friendly neighborhood vigilantes back in the day. Still the neighborhood hero, huh?"
BAM!
Kakashi's fist slammed against the punching bag, hard enough that it rocked back and Goro visibly jolted from the heavy impact. Grabbing the bag, Kakashi held it still as he caught his breath.
"I am no hero," he breathed out, ignoring Goro's bewildered stare on his back. He went back to punching the bag again. "I already had a sneaking suspicion that Mizuki was having inappropriate relationships with his female students, but I didn't do anything about it because..."
Memories of Sakura's soft smiles, soft curves, and soft lips almost instantly flooded his head with perverse thoughts.
"Because I'm no hero," Kakashi growled, punching the bag harder so that his knuckles ached in protest. "If I had just spoken up sooner..."
Sakura would have never been put in danger like that in the first place.
"But I was too selfish!" Kakashi grounded out as he landed harsher blows on the bag. "And my mistake—my selfishness—almost cost my student her safety and her future."
Just like he'd failed Rin and Obito, he'd failed Sakura too. She had come so close to falling victim to Mizuki—so close to ending up like Sakae and so many other girls who'd suffered such misfortune—and it was all because of him.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
If only he hadn't been so caught up on his feelings for her... If only he'd paid attention to what was going on... If only he hadn't been so selfish towards Sakura, lusting after her like some depraved pervert, then he wouldn't have enabled Mizuki as he did then.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
The muscles of his arms burned with exhaustion, but the frustration burning hot in his chest kept him striking harder and faster as he spoke. "It's my fault," he grunted in between punches. "I'm the one who endangered her."
Bam! Bam!
"I'm the one who got her into this mess."
Bam! Bam! Bam!
"I'm the one who failed her!"
BAM!
The explosive force of his punch knocked the bag back and the metal chain connecting it to the hook suddenly snapped off. The bag slammed onto the floor, startling the dogs fully awake and leaving Kakashi panting hard as he stared at the mess he created with his bare hands.
He turned those bandaged hands over, studying the way his fingers trembled. Why? Why did he always ruin everything he touched?
"Uh, I'm not sure I understand but... aren't you taking this too seriously?" Goro suddenly spoke up from behind. Kakashi whirled around, finding the kid shrugging awkwardly. "It sounds like it was an honest mistake, right? Mistakes are a part of life, Kakashi-sensei."
After wiping the sweat from his brow, Kakashi shook his head, flicking droplets of sweat everywhere.
"It's easy for you to say that right now, but when somebody's life is in your hands, there is no room for error," he said with a strict edge to his tone. He squatted down to pick up the 200-pound bag. "I can't afford to make any mistakes. Not anymore."
He'd already lost his whole team because of one mistake. He'd almost lost Sakura with just one mistake too. Not again... he couldn't afford any more mistakes.
Goro watched him disassemble the chain to switch it for a new one. His feet shifted in hesitation before he perched himself on the edge of the ring's platform, hugging the bottom rope for support. "Look, I get you grew up a prodigy and all that, but nobody is perfect, Sensei. If you try to be perfect all the time—if you try to be a hero for everyone—you'll only find disappointment." He paused and let out a dry chuckle. "Ah, what am I saying? I'm just a drug dealer, so I'm already a disappointment. But at least that way I don't have to cave under the pressure of such high expectations."
Kakashi peered up from where he'd been adjusting his hand wraps. Goro was smiling bitterly at his own hands, his gaze empty of any hope for himself.
"Guy would disagree," Kakashi felt the need to tell him. "If he thought you were a disappointment, he would've given up on you long ago. Every day, he checks the bathrooms to make sure your needles aren't laying around. Because he wants to make sure you're not using. Because he cares about you—just like he cares about Lee, and every other boy who walks in through these doors."
"They all care at first. But soon enough, people start running out of patience and then they don't give a shit about you," Goro mumbled, resting his chin atop of the rope. "I'm a fucking mess, Kakashi-sensei, and people don't like to help clean up messes that aren't their own. Everyone gives up on you eventually... A bit of molly or crack helps me forget that though," he sniffed. "And I help other people forget about their problems too... for a while, at least."
Kakashi observed Goro raise a hand and absentmindedly rub his forefinger and thumb together like he was imagining sprinkling some of that powdered drug he'd mentioned. Though his fingers had bandages on them, he knew Goro no longer played the role of the cook. Instead, he'd stepped down to only dealing the drugs, hoping it was his first step to quitting the business altogether.
But he hadn't. The fact that Goro was hiding out in a gym of all places was enough to tell Kakashi that the boy had stuck his nose too far into the wrong business. Kakashi couldn't help but wonder which business that was. Had he gotten into a tiff with a client? Or maybe with his supplier?
Or...
"You wouldn't happen to know anything about Mizuki's incident, do you?" Kakashi asked slowly.
He didn't know how Goro would even be able to get ahold of a high-class Schedule I drug in the first place, but just the thought of Goro being the one to deal Mizuki the Sharingan was enough to have Kakashi clench his fists so tight that the bandages threatened to rip apart. Although he knew Goro was a drug dealer, he didn't know the kid's character well enough to determine whether he was genuinely a bad guy with bad intentions or a good guy who made bad decisions. He'd trusted Guy's judgment instead, but if Goro turned out to be Mizuki's accomplice in any way...
Goro snorted. "Well, yeah, everybody was talking about Professor Mizuki when the news broke. The guy was a saint to everyone. Or supposed to be," he chuckled, but then stiffened when he met Kakashi's stare. "Wait, y-you mean... did I ever...? Hell no! Nah, I don't sell to teachers."
Kakashi's hands relaxed and he deliberately uncurled his fingers.
"Students have parents to ground them or a scholarship to lose if caught," Goro explained, oblivious to the world of punishment he'd come so close to meeting with his face. "Teachers are risky business and they'd throw me under the bus if the cops ever asked."
"Right... So if I asked you for some oxycodone right now, you wouldn't deal me because I'm a teacher?"
Goro opened his mouth but then hesitated.
"Figures."
"But you're different," Goro argued, slipping off the platform of the boxing ring to follow Kakashi to the bench. "Because you're a soldier. From the war."
"I was a soldier," Kakashi grunted, unraveling the wraps from his hands. He flexed his fingers, feeling the tight soreness of his knuckles to assess whether he'd need to bathe them in ice later.
Goro fiddled with the edge of his shirt before deciding to sit beside him, giving Kakashi a wide berth though. "You know, many of my customers are former soldiers too. War veterans like you. So..." He scratched his cheek, timid under Kakashi's rigid gaze. "I-I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is... addiction shouldn't be a shameful thing. Not when it comes from a place of pain."
Hearing the insinuation behind those words, Kakashi proceeded to stuff his roll of gauze into his gym bag and yank harshly on the zipper. "I'm not addicted."
Goro seemed unfazed by the ire tightening Kakashi's voice as he shook his head. "But you're on medication, aren't you?"
Kakashi whipped his attention back to the boy, silently demanding how he knew that. He'd always taken extra caution in hiding his bottle of pills even when around Kurenai or the other guys who were well aware of his prescribed needs.
"Sometimes when I see you boxing here, you have this..." Goro gestured to his face, "this thousand-yard stare. Like you're here, but not really. And I see that a lot from people who are in pain and are trying to numb it or, you know, disassociate from it. I-I'm no psychologist but I know people who are in pain have all sorts of coping mechanisms to help them... disassociate."
Kakashi narrowed his eyes onto him, wondering if the kid intended to give the same spiel Sakae had given about relying on sex, drugs, and alcohol to cope with the pain of a broken heart. "And your point being...?"
"What I'm trying to say is... I wasn't always this fucked up either, y'know?" Goro gave him a toothy smile—a hint of the boy he'd once been too long ago, and a glimpse of the man he could've been today had his parents been around to support, guide, and love him. But the smile he bore now carried too much misery that it aged him by years.
With a sigh, Kakashi stood up and slung the strap of his gym bag over his shoulder. "Look, if you're going to hide in Guy's gym, the least you can do is take advantage of the facilities here and take a shower."
The stench he smelled earlier from the doorway still clung to Goro, though the boy had probably lived with his own smell for so long that he could no longer detect it. Even the dogs were visibly averse to Goro not so much because he was a potential threat but simply because he reeked of hot trash and vomit with a splash of piss.
Tilting his head in the direction of the locker room, Kakashi waited for the boy to stand to his feet before guiding him over. Since Guy's other gym goers had long since left, there would be plenty of hot water to go around and the boy could take his time for as long as he pleased.
From his own locker, he handed Goro an extra towel and some supplies. He didn't mind sharing the soap; he just wanted the kid to stop stinking for the sake of everyone's noses.
But for clothes, the boy was too thin and short to fit his, so Kakashi had to pick up Lee's spare set instead.
Goro looked on in horror as he held up Lee's signature training suit. "But this is a onesie!"
"A jumpsuit," Kakashi corrected him.
"So a onesie!"
Shrugging helplessly, Kakashi offered the orange accessories that paired with the outfit. "You want the leg warmers too?"
"Hell no!"
Kakashi shrugged again but stowed away the leg warmers while Goro reluctantly accepted his improvised outfit.
As they headed for the showers, Kakashi made sure to take the lead. Now that they were in the nude, he could sense Goro tensing up behind him, unused to being stripped bare and in such a public place. To set Goro at ease, Kakashi headed for the stall at the back, letting the boy choose whichever spot he was most comfortable with.
To his surprise, Goro picked the shower one stall away from his. Not too close to make things awkward but not too far to imply any mistrust.
He said nothing when the boy turned the knob for the hot water and yelped aloud when the hot water instantly rained down on him. Had it really been that long since his last shower that Goro was no longer familiar with the sensation of hot water running down his body? Kakashi couldn't help but pity him.
Still, he couldn't understand why Goro refused to accept Guy's help—or all the other resources offered to him. Was it shame? Or guilt?
"Damn, Sensei!" Goro suddenly shouted. Kakashi turned, squinting through the shampoo running down his eyes to catch the awe on Goro's face. The boy's wide eyes were fixated right between Kakashi's legs, and he let out a low, impressed whistle. "Now I know why the ladies are always trying to get in your pants!"
Kakashi held back an exasperated sigh as the kid wandered closer for a better look. "Your water is running," he scolded him, gently nudging Goro back to his own stall.
"Does it get bigger with age?" Goro then peeked down to check between his own legs, his eyes widening more with childish wonder. "Will mine?"
Kakashi scratched his head at that. "Uh, I think you're already done with puberty..."
"Aw, c'mon! Don't they say guys finish maturing later than girls?"
Not wanting to shoot the boy's hopes down, Kakashi decided not to explain.
As he rinsed the soap from his body, he peeked in Goro's direction. The boy was still busy scrubbing his hair hard, the suds running dark down his lanky frame. Kakashi eyed the smatter of bruises that decorated the boy's back, along with some fresh cuts that had barely scabbed over. There were also a number of scars that were not entirely unlike his own. He recognized the marks of a burn, and the jagged tissue lines left by various types of blades.
Across Goro's thin bicep, he noticed there was a small tattoo of a girl with pigtails. She looked too young to be a girlfriend. A little sister then? If she was memorialized on his body, then that meant she was dead.
"This bodywash smells really good, Sensei!" Goro commented, completely oblivious to the examination going on.
"It's Minty Rainforest Mist."
"... Um, isn't this the brand for dogs?"
Heat started to crawl up Kakashi's face and he cleared his throat. "They made a line for humans too."
"Oh... But why would you wanna smell the same as your dogs?"
"Look, if you don't want the soap—"
"No, I want it!"
Humming now, Goro squirted more of the soap onto his palm and took in a deep whiff of the refreshing notes of the tropical scent. Kakashi shut off his own water and draped a towel around his hips, expecting the kid to stop and follow after him—if only to keep an eye on Kakashi and make sure no cops were called.
To Kakashi's surprise, however, Goro kept on humming quietly as he remained in his stall. Huh, so all it took was a hot shower to get his guard down?
Shaking his head, Kakashi retreated to the locker room to change clothes and give the boy some privacy. He took to feeding the dogs first before returning to the break room's kitchen where he spotted the little makeshift cot set up on one of the table's benches. It was nothing more than a ragged shirt balled up to make a pillow, and a spread of plastic bags taped together for a blanket.
Rubbing the back of his neck, Kakashi decided to steal into Guy's office to borrow a proper blanket and pillow for the kid. There were some days when Lee would stay up all night, training with his sensei whenever there was a tournament around the corner. Guy always kept spare bedding in his office for those late nights. He just hoped Lee wouldn't be in need of his stuff anytime soon.
He took a second to shoot Guy a text, checking in with him about Goro's stay and reassuring his friend that the boy was safe and doing fine.
Eventually, Goro returned to the break room just as Kakashi finished setting up the table.
The dogs perked up as the boy approached sharing a similar scent to their master now. They no longer growled at him, but still kept a keen eye trained on his every movement.
"I made dinner," Kakashi announced, setting down the utensils on either side of the table.
He waited for Goro to sit down first before doing the same. The boy studied the bowl of noodles and slices of chicken breast while Kakashi nudged over a cup of hot cocoa with protein powder mixed in to help sate his hunger. It was, admittedly, a very plain meal—almost as plain as the meals Kakashi had to shovel down when on the field. But Goro stared at his food in awe and then dipped his face towards the steam to bask in it for a moment as if he was inhaling a 5-star meal.
"Thank you," he rasped out, his voice wobbling at the end.
Kakashi nodded. "But you're washing the dishes."
"Right on, Sensei."
"And stop calling me Sensei. I'm not a trainer here."
"Okay, Sen... Professor Hatake," Goro amended. His hands shook slightly as he pressed them together, bowed his head for a quick prayer of thanks, and then picked up his chopsticks. Before taking that first bite, he glanced up at Kakashi, the blue of his eyes swimming with unshed tears. "I can't remember the last time I've had someone cook a homemade meal for me... Thank you."
Kakashi's own chopsticks paused above his bowl as he thought back to the times Sakura had cooked for him, including the rice pudding that he hadn't tasted since he was a little boy. He knew exactly how Goro felt right now, and smiled kindly, knowingly at the boy. "You're welcome."
Goro was quick to dive into his food, slurping up that first bite and groaning aloud. It was clear how hard he was trying to restrain himself from eating too fast as he wanted to savor every noodle, every spice, and every strip of chicken.
Kakashi observed him from behind his own bowl. Without a hoodie or ratty baseball cap to hide Goro's face, he could see a hint of the handsomeness that would've made the hearts of some girls flutter. The boy was no head-turner, but beneath those bruises, gaunt cheekbones, and sunken eyes, there was a face that any mother could have loved.
Maybe in another lifetime, Goro would've been a star soccer player or even a writer in the making. He'd heard from Guy that the boy once had a knack for storytelling and used to weave tales of cities in the skies or talking flowers that serenaded good children. All while his parents got high in the bathroom.
A bad childhood had killed that boy's hopes and dreams and, eventually, that little boy himself.
But Goro's case was nothing new to Kakashi. Having lived as an orphan under a system that raised unwanted kids as cash cows, Kakashi was well familiar with the many stories of children who were used and abused, sometimes ending up just like their abusers themselves because they knew nothing else.
But Goro was still young. Unlike Kakashi, the boy still had his whole life ahead of him—he still had a chance to turn his life around for the better.
Kakashi smiled to himself as he watched Goro lean back and let out a loud belch. The boy patted his stomach in satisfaction, groaning at how full he felt and how delicious the meal had been.
"Wish we had some TV to watch though," Goro said, thrumming his fingers against his belly as he pondered what to do next. "I've been bored outta my mind since staying here."
Sympathizing with his boredom, Kakashi thought it wouldn't hurt to let the kid read some light material before hitting the hay. With a dramatic flourish, he handed over his worn copy of Make-Out Tactics.
Goro raised a brow at the cheesy cover but cracked open the book to check it out. Kakashi sat forward on his bench, already eager to explain the whole plot of the series to catch the boy up to speed. Much to his surprise, however, Goro started flipping through the pages, frowning as he got closer and closer to the last page.
"Where are the boobs?" the boy demanded.
Kakashi blinked in befuddlement. "Eh?"
"Y'know!" Goro cupped both hands beneath his chest. "The milk jugs? Badonkahonkers? Giga melons? Jiggly titties? The wee-hoos?"
"Breasts," Kakashi said plainly. "They're there."
"Where?" Flipping through all the pages once more with a stroke of his thumb, Goro shook his head. "This book's got no pictures! I wanna see some boobs!"
Kakashi's brow twitched. "This isn't your regular, vapid porn. This is art. This," he plucked the book from Goro's hands and held it aloft like a prized trophy, "is a masterpiece!"
Goro looked less than impressed. "If it's art, then where are all the pussy pics?"
Kakashi jerked back, offended by such a tasteless notion. "It's a story. You have to read it."
"I don't want to read the sex scenes—I want to see them. I wanna see some tits bouncing and asses clapping—I wanna see the naked chicks!" Taking the book from Kakashi, Goro began shaking it upside down as if hoping a naked girl would fall out of the pages. "Seriously, how do you beat your meat to this?"
"Don't underestimate the power of imagination," Kakashi chided him. "When you read, you let the images come to life and imagine the heroine as you see fit for your fantasies..." he trailed off as a certain heroine took shape in his own mind.
He could see locks the color of cherry blossoms, and silky like the petals of one too. And keen green eyes as sharp as a fresh blade of grass. Rather than imagining Junko's soft creamy thighs in his own fantasies, lately, Kakashi found himself fantasizing lips as sweet and colorful as cherries. He imagined the same shade matched her nipples too, as well as the delicate flesh hidden behind pink curls. And he often wondered if that same cherry pink shade would bloom across those cheeks, or flush between those pert breasts while he pressed deep into—
"This was written by an old geezer!" Goro exclaimed, snapping Kakashi out of his daydream. While Kakashi had been distracted, the boy had pried the book from his hands to criticize the author's section where Jiraiya bragged about how thoroughly he'd researched the opposite sex. "Well, that explains why there are no porn pics here! Dude is so ancient, he probably doesn't know what 'send nudes' means even if his life depended on it!"
With a sigh, Kakashi claimed back his book and tucked it into his pocket. "Maybe Make-Out is too refined for your taste after all."
Goro seemed to concur with a shrug and stood up to wander around in search of something to do. It didn't take him long to make his way to the pile of dishes at the sink and shove his sleeves up to clean the mess. He didn't seem like the kind of boy who liked to clean up his own shit, but Kakashi was pleased that he at least did as he was asked. Maybe it was his way of showing gratitude for the meal.
Peeking at his watch, Kakashi figured he should be getting home soon after. The dogs were laying on the floor, blinking slowly in exhaustion. Even the slobber dripping from Bull's jowls had slowed down as he struggled to stay awake.
"Kakashi-sensei?" Goro called to him from the sink. He was scrubbing a bowl in slow circles, his face pensive over something. "I've been meaning to ask you... what are you doing here? N-Not that I don't want you here," he added quickly. "But you gave me a scare there earlier since the gym closed hours ago and I wasn't expecting anyone to be dropping by. I can't imagine it's normal routine for you to come here for a quick boxing session this late in the evening...?"
"I come here only when I need to. When I'm frustrated and need to vent."
"You mean when you need to beat something up 'cause you don't have anyone else to beat up anymore?" joked Goro. Glancing over his shoulder, he caught Kakashi's sober expression and gave him an apologetic look in return. "Sorry..."
Kakashi waved off the innocuous joke. "Did you know the Might Guy's Mighty Guys gym first opened at the height of the second World War?" he asked, prompting Goro's attention back onto him. "During war, poverty rises and so does crime. A lot of boys started joining gangs to survive which meant more criminals running loose on the streets. So Guy's father built and opened this gym to offer those boys a different path in life. To give them the chance to release all their pain, anger, and frustration and channel it into something productive. That way they could forget about their problems even for just a short while."
Goro nodded his head slowly in understanding before tilting his head at him. "So then what kinda problem are you trying to forget about?"
Kakashi stiffened in his seat. Unwilling to discuss the complicated matters regarding a certain student of his, he crossed his arms. "For someone who's not supposed to be here, you're asking a lot of questions. How about I ask you what you are doing here? Or rather, why you're hiding?"
The accusive note in the question had Goro hunching into himself like he wanted nothing more than to disappear. For a few seconds, the boy continued scrubbing and rinsing through the dishes as if he hadn't heard anything. But feeling Kakashi's stare on his back, he gave in with a sigh. "Do you really gotta ask, Sensei? It's not like you don't already know..."
"I do know, and I want to hear you say it."
"I... messed with something I shouldn't have," the boy confessed quietly. "I took something that wasn't mine, and by the time I figured it was too dangerous for me to keep... I lost it. And unless I give it back, I'm in big trouble..."
Kakashi wasn't sure what 'it' was exactly, but he guessed it involved drugs and plenty of money.
"Drugs are a terrible business, Goro," he sternly told him. "It's not worth all that money when you end up dying before you can even spend it."
"It's not about the money," Goro insisted. He set the sponge down to face Kakashi with a frown. "It's all I know, Sensei. I was born into and raised in the business. Just like you with your family legacy."
Kakashi raised a brow.
"Oh, c'mon," Goro scoffed, "everyone who grew up here knows about the Hatake legacy. What? You don't like coming from a family of war heroes? Better that than a family of druggies, if you ask me."
But Kakashi cast his eyes down to his scarred hands folded atop the table. "When it comes to war, there is no such thing as heroes," he said quietly. "There are only victims."
Beneath his bangs, there was an unexpected level of maturity deep in Goro's gaze as he nodded. He didn't ask why Kakashi had joined the business of war if he was so loathsome of the consequences. It seemed he didn't need to as he said, "When it's a family business, it's all you know until it becomes who you are. And to quit that thing..." He pressed his lips together and shook his head. "It's like killing a part of you. I wouldn't know how to quit even if I wanted to."
Kakashi curled his fingers in, feeling the slight ache of his knuckles. "I know..."
Just like drugs were all Goro knew, the military was all Kakashi knew too. Even if they wanted to lead a normal life in the future, it would be impossible to escape their past.
"But truth be told," Goro laughed dryly, "I've been feeling kinda dead for a while anyway. Y'know what I mean?"
Though he'd said it so casually, there had been a hint of desperation on the edge of his voice. A desperation that Kakashi was well familiar with, and he lifted his head to meet the boy's sad eyes.
"Maybe it's better if people like me weren't born at all," Goro mumbled. "I've got nothing to contribute to society. No family to love me or friends to visit my funeral. I'm just a piece of shit staining the sidewalk."
Kakashi could practically see how the boy retreated into his shell, hunching in on himself to hide away from the world. He wondered if that was how Kurenai had seen him earlier today. As someone who didn't think his life was worth anything anymore to the point that he tried to hide from the world—make himself disappear since he already felt he'd died a long time ago anyway.
He hesitated. "Is there... anyone you care about?"
Surprised by the personal question, Goro's mouth flapped open before he stiffened and raised his guard back up. "Why? Is there anyone you care about?" He was suspicious now, his eyes narrowing into blue slits as his fight or flight instinct began to take over.
Kakashi calmly nodded. "Yes," he answered truthfully, much to the boy's surprise. "I guess you could say... she's my lifeline. I hold onto my thoughts of her whenever I feel like I'm drowning."
Or whenever he got lost in the horrors of his waking nightmares.
Lifting a hand to the scar over his left eye, Kakashi recited the children's rhyme in his mind. 'Pain, pain, blow away...'
"I tell myself that if I can do this or that for her then I still have a reason to keep living," he confessed quietly, feeling the phantom sensation of a delicate finger gently tracing the scar of his eye. He blinked and fixed his attention back onto Goro who watched him thoughtfully. "Do you have anyone like that? Someone you live for when you don't have any other reason?"
"... My little sister," Goro answered with a wistful smile. "I haven't seen her for a long time now, but... well, maybe I'll be seeing her soon enough."
'In the afterlife' the boy didn't need to add that, but the implication was there nonetheless.
Without missing a beat, Kakashi crinkled his eyes and lightheartedly said, "You should get your act together first. I don't think your sister would be happy to see you in the state you are in now. Talk to Guy, and he'll help you get cleaned up."
'He'll help you get the help you need,' he told Goro with a meaningful look.
"Y-You think?"
"I know."
The smile on Goro's face widened into a grin for a split second before falling away completely. He lowered his eyes to where he wrung his hands together anxiously. "I don't know," he mumbled. "People like Guy-sensei always act like they care at first. But I'm scared that he'll stop once I become too much of a burden for him."
'At the beginning, you'll be strong about it. But over time, you'll come to regret it—you'll come to regret me, and the burden that I have become to you.'
Kakashi closed his eyes, suddenly remembering the exact words he'd exchanged with Sakura that night in the car.
'It's my life, my choice,' Sakura had insisted.
"I think... that should be for him to decide," Kakashi eventually answered Goro. Sensing the boy's ambivalence, he gave him an assuring smile. "Believe me—I know what it's like to want to keep all your problems to yourself because you're scared that nobody could ever understand the pain you're going through. I know what it's like to push people away and make them hate you because you think it's for their own good, hoping that they don't get dragged down with you. I know exactly how it feels," Kakashi nodded. "But there are people who care more than you think they do. Some more stubborn than others," he added, his lips tugging into a grin at the memory of Sakura wrestling him onto the bed and restraining him with the blanket. "So maybe... at the very least, they deserve a chance..."
Goro bit his lip, chewing up the idea of putting his life—his future—into the hands of another. "S-So you think I should give Guy-sensei a chance?" he asked timidly, but hopefully.
Kakashi thought long and hard before looking the boy in the eye. "... I know."
The door creaked obnoxiously loud as Ino took a careful peek through the crack.
The room was illuminated by a single lamp at the study desk, the owner of which was laid prone on the bed with her textbook splayed over her stomach. With her headphones in place, Sakura didn't seem to notice Ino studying her through the little gap of the door. Then again, the girl had her head so high up in the clouds that she didn't seem to be paying much attention to her textbook either.
Squinting at her, Ino listened intently as Sakura let out her umpteenth sigh for the day. She'd been sighing so much lately that it was driving Ino up the wall with worry over whatever ailed her friend. Had her date with Kankuro really been that much of a disaster?!
It hadn't seemed like it judging by how indifferent Sakura had been when she admitted that the date was a bore. But then a couple days ago, it was like a switch had flipped and now Sakura was acting so addled in the head!
I gotta ask Shikamaru! If he's still hooking up with Temari then he can ask her for her brother's number. And then Kankuro will have to tell me what the hell he did to Sakura!
Ino bit the tip of her nail as she watched Sakura raise her textbook and eye the pages with such sadness. As if she'd gotten a zero on her quiz or something.
There was a quiet sniffle before Sakura lifted a hand to wipe at her cheek.
Damn that Kankuro! Ino cursed to herself as she started to close the door carefully. I can't believe he ghosted her! I thought he would be different from all the other boys!
"Heh heh..."
Ino paused, straining her ears to what had sounded like... a giggle? She squinted at Sakura again, frowning in bewilderment when she caught a dazed, almost idiotic smile stretched across those tear-stained cheeks.
Okay, what the hell is going on?!
She hurriedly retreated back to her room, her own head spinning with confusion over her best friend's erratic behavior. Flopping onto her own bed, Ino grabbed her phone to dial a number. Tenten picked it up on the first ring.
"She's doing it again!"
"Doing what?"
"You know!" Grabbing a lock of hair to fiddle with, Ino laid back on the mattress. "She's spacing out, sighing to herself, being ditzy, teary-eyed one minute and then starry-eyed the next—everything she's been doing for the past week already! For two mornings, she put coffee in her cereal instead of milk. The other day, Naruto stole fries off her plate and she didn't do or say anything! And remember at dance practice, she kept screwing up her levels. She also swiped concealer on her lips instead of lip gloss, she heated up a cup of nothing in the microwave, and she even forgot to do a homework assignment for Professor Iruka's class! She never forgets to do homework!"
Honestly, Ino was really starting to freak out now. It was like Forehead's brain had suddenly turned to mush. She seemed almost in shock or disoriented over something… Something that had thrown her whole world off balance.
"You think it has to do with her date with Kankuro?" Tenten voiced exactly what Ino had been suspecting.
"Ugh, she can't still be hung over that guy, can she?"
"Maybe? He wouldn't be the first guy to ghost her, so maybe he opened some old wounds."
"But isn't she overreacting for one guy whom she knew her whole life for only—what?—five hours?"
"Well, Sakura also did just find out her fitness instructor is a serial rapist. I'd be a bit out of it too if I were her."
"But right after the news broke out, she seemed... fine!" Ino argued, eyeing the door just in case Sakura popped in. "I-I mean she was even telling me that everything was fine—that she was fine! She was so confident and calm, so I believed her but now she's acting... weird!"
"Maybe she was just in shock at the time?"
"But it's as if she's in shock right now!"
"I have a theory," Tenten proposed. "She got an F in Anatomy. Maybe a quiz or homework assignment but I'm putting my bets on those pop quizzes I hear she has to take weekly."
"What?"
That was just too outlandish. Out of all of them, Sakura had always been the smartest, especially in the sciences. The thought of Sakura of all people getting an F in anything was as unlikely as the moon crashing down on them tomorrow.
"It's plausible!" Tenten insisted. "Remember she has Professor Hatake as her Anatomy instructor. That guy grades work like a freaking drill instructor—Sakura even complained that he gives your answer a zero if you misspell even one word by one letter!"
Ino gave herself a facepalm. Oh, she'd warned Sakura not to register for Hatake's course even if he was the only Anatomy instructor left with the available seats. Even her father had warned Sakura that Hatake had a rep for being the most difficult teacher on campus but nooooo! Sakura just loved a good challenge too much to pass it up!
"What if her date with Kankuro was just so bad that it's now affecting her grades?" Ino groaned aloud, now feeling guilty for having encouraged the date in the first place. She could tell Sakura hadn't been entirely ready for the date but she'd pushed her to go anyway. Had even shoved a condom into Sakura's hands despite protests and knowing her friend was far from ready for that yet.
"Look, Sakura also has midterms coming up," Tenten added, "This could just be test anxiety. You know how she gets when it's exam season. She gets anxious and panicky, and a little grumpy—"
"But she stared at her textbook for a whole hour!" Ino cried out. "Without even turning the page!"
She'd seen Sakura grumpy and panicky over exams before. But zoning out and acting like a zombie with mush for brains was entirely new!
If Forehead's brain short-circuits just because a guy ghosts her then how much more if a guy ever kisses her? Ino couldn't help but wonder. Gods, her brain would probably implode!
"If she was staring at her textbook then she was studying?" Tenten calmly suggested. "Anatomy is a hard subject, y'know. It can take me a long time to read a page too. In that case, maybe she's actually fine."
"The book was upside-down."
"…. Oh."
Ino hesitated. "Maybe Neji's frat party is too soon for her?"
"But didn't you already nab her a blind date for the party?"
"Yeah, but with all this crap that's been piling on her lately then maybe hooking her up with a blind date is a bad idea…." Ino began to say but trailed off as she sat up to review the details of Sakura's chosen blind date on her phone. The guy was too hot to pass up, and the more she stared at his photo, the more she had a second thought. "Or maybe… maybe this blind date at Neji's party is the perfect distraction for Sakura!"
"Really?" Tenten sounded dubious.
"Why not? He's hot, single, and he got accepted into medical school! I'd say that's a huge upgrade from Kankuro who, need I remind you, has a little brother that's a gang leader. Honestly, I'm starting to think it was best that her date with Kankuro was botched. At least this new guy has a code of ethics to stick to."
She decided not to mention this new potential date was also a senior member of Neji's fraternity. That was something she'd talk to Neji about. In case this new guy ever ghosted Sakura just like Kankuro did, at least Neji could be interrogated for more information.
Inwardly, Ino cackled to herself, already seeing a new plan take shape.
"But you know Sakura's not the type of girl who does flings," Tenten pointed out, putting a frown back on Ino's face. "She would prefer a serious relationship and if this guy isn't serious with her like Kankuro wasn't then that would just be rubbing salt to her wound, don't you think? We can't risk another guy ghosting her or she might think she's seriously cursed."
"I think we need to take that chance," Ino protested, "because at this rate, Sakura will turn eighteen without ever experiencing any real romance."
"I would hardly call a fling a romance."
"If given time, the fling could become a romance. Or close enough to one since Sakura's running on time..."
Beggars couldn't be choosers. Unfortunately, Sakura was the former.
Tenten sighed in defeat. "Maybe… maybe she's acting weird lately because she's also worrying about what's going to happen on her eighteenth birthday…."
Frowning at the latter idea, Ino scratched at her brow with a pinky finger. "But her birthday is still a couple months from now. She still has some time left."
"Yeah, but..." Tenten hesitated on the other end. "I mean, have her parents reached out to her recently?" she asked awkwardly as if scared to broach the subject.
"They send her some allowance money every month, but they don't really talk to her. Like, they haven't been responding to her emails—not even to talk about what's going to happen once she turns eighteen. They don't even let her know of the progress they're making—are they close to coming up with all the money or will they come up short by the time it's her birthday? Sakura doesn't know anything!"
And that Forehead didn't know anything meant that Ino didn't know anything either—and it was driving her crazy for some answers!
"Have your parents tried contacting them?"
Ino started to chew the ends of her hair. "Um, Dad has been too busy with his work. I asked my mom, but she hasn't gotten any responses for the past year already. Whenever I try to ask Sakura what's going on with her parents, she just says that they're too busy to talk to her."
"Maybe," Tenten sighed. "Or maybe Sakura's just saying that so that we don't worry about her marrying some rich snob."
Tugging harder on her ponytail, Ino combed an anxious hand through the locks. "You... You don't think Sakura's parents left her... do you?"
"Left her like... abandoned her?" Tenten whispered as if afraid to breathe that idea to life.
"I know they're not like that," Ino quickly said, "but I'm just saying... what if?"
"You shouldn't say that around Sakura. Just the thought of that would break her heart!"
"But we should talk to her!"
"Hinata told us to give Sakura some space," Tenten sternly reminded her. "And that means no snooping around behind Sakura's back either or pressuring her into spilling the beans. Just give her some time and when she's ready to come and tell us what's on her mind, she will."
Ino rolled onto her side, watching the door and imagining Sakura back in her own room, still acting like a zombie there instead of studying. "I'm just worried about Forehead. You know how stubborn she is when she has a problem. She doesn't like to tell anyone, and she always tries to fix it on her own. Even if it means getting hurt in the process..."
"Well, we can't exactly fix the problem with her marriage arrangement," Tenten admitted with a grievous sigh. "That's an issue that's out of everyone's hands."
"So what can we do?"
"Just... watch her, I guess. And no, I don't mean spy on Sakura... ugh, you're already thinking about it, aren't you?"
"No!" Ino scoffed. "... Maybe?"
"Ino!" Tenten chided her, prompting a roll of her eyes. "Let's just do as Hinata says and give Sakura the space she needs and make sure she doesn't keep pouring coffee into her cereal. At least for now."
"Next thing you know, she'll be pouring her foundation into her coffee too, mistaking it for creamer," Ino grumbled to herself.
"Yeah, well, make sure she doesn't do that either. All we need to do is just be there for Sakura if or when she needs us."
Does that mean at her wedding to Sasuke too? Ino held back from asking because she already knew the answer to that anyway.
"Okay," she gave in with a sigh but continued chewing the ends of her hair.
She would worry about the split ends later. Right now, all Ino could worry about was her zombie of a best friend right next door to her.
"So how was he?" Asuma asked as he searched through the package box for all the crib parts he'd purchased earlier in the noon. Thankfully, they were the correct parts this time.
From the corner of the nursery, Kurenai sat on the rocking chair with her shirt lifted. She was rubbing some sort of oil over her swollen belly while humming softly to the child she carried within. At his question, her brows knitted together and she lifted her gaze to give her husband a pensive look.
"It was the usual," his wife answered with a sigh. "Mopey but nonchalant. You know how Kakashi is—he could have a knife shoved in his gut and he would still act like everything is dandy."
Ignoring the urge to draw out the pack of cigarettes he used to keep in his pocket, Asuma withdrew a stick of gum to slip into his mouth instead. "Maybe I should have talked to him. Y'know, man to man."
Kurenai snorted. "I think instead of talking, you guys would've just had your mouths full with cigarettes or beer. It's almost impossible to get Kakashi to open up, but I think my words at least got through to him."
But Asuma wasn't so convinced. He'd been pals with Kakashi since childhood and had seen the same thing over and over again. Rin or Kurenai would open their hearts to Kakashi in the middle of a pep talk, hoping it would get him to do the same. But it didn't.
Kakashi was a closed book like that; his heart was off-limits and he only opened his heart for the briefest glimpses in only the most dire moments. Asuma didn't think he'd even seen the guy cry. Not even at funerals.
Sensing her husband's distress, Kurenai shook her head. "Dear, I don't think another boy's trip to the bar is going to raise Kakashi's spirits."
"Why not?"
"Because alcohol can only numb his pain. It won't wash away the problems that are causing that pain."
"I just don't get it," Asuma grumbled. "When the semester began, Kakashi started to improve all of a sudden. He was socializing more instead of moping around. Shizune even said he'd been visiting the hospital less frequently. I don't know what or maybe who it is that helped him but it helped him. Now ever since Mizuki's arrest, he's been regressing—holing up at his house or beating up the bags at Guy's gym again. He even canceled on our basketball game this week..."
"It sounds like you're just as depressed as he is now," his wife teased him lightly.
Studying the crib's instruction manual, Asuma remained frowning. "Do you think he's stopped taking his medication?"
"His medication is only to help Kakashi function as well as he can so that he lives as normally as he can," Kurenai explained to him. "But medication cannot solve the root of his problems which is that he's traumatized and ridden with guilt. To be honest, I don't think there's anything we can do or say to relieve Kakashi of his burdens."
Asuma grabbed the electric screwdriver and tested the sharp 'whiirrrr' of it. "He doesn't go to therapy, he doesn't talk to us about his problems, and he doesn't want to hang out with the guys anymore because he's busy moping around in that dingy house," he grunted in frustration as he struggled to juggle a crib leg, bolt, and screwdriver together. "So what are we supposed to do then? Wait until he hurts himself again?"
"If we push Kakashi past his breaking point, he will end up hurt either way," Kurenai gently reminded him. "I just talked to him, so I think we should give him some space first and see what happens. It's not like Kakashi turned me down completely. He's just... scared. He's so scared of loving someone and losing that person again—just like what happened with his father, and Rin and Obito. And with how his mother also died giving birth to him, I think Kakashi thinks of himself as a curse to the people he loves."
From Asuma's perspective, that was a load of bull. But from Kakashi's perspective, he probably saw it as the truth even if it was far from it. His wife had explained to him once that people with mental health problems had a skewed perspective of things. That it was like seeing the world through a filter and everything you touched always seemed to turn to shit.
He imagined Kakashi still saw his hands stained with the blood of Rin and Obito every day. Although Asuma still didn't know the specifics of that mission, he knew at the very least that nobody actually blamed Kakashi for what happened. Nobody but Kakashi himself.
"We can't force him to talk if he's not ready, so we'll respect his space," Kurenai advised him. "But if things start to get out of hand like last time, we'll step in again. He thinks he's too much of a burden on people that they'll abandon him once they get tired of offering their shoulder for him to lean on. We'll prove to Kakashi that he's wrong. That we'll always be there for him no matter what."
"Because we love him," Asuma said softly, already nodding in agreement.
"And maybe then," Kurenai smiled hopefully, "he'll have the strength to take that leap of faith and learn to live again. Learn to love again."
Yes, maybe then...
If only Kakashi would stop blaming himself, but that was easier said than done. Asuma could only hope that his friend would be able to one day move on and live a life of happiness and love. But the question was: what would it take for him to move on?
What would it take for that day of absolution to come?
Unfortunately, nobody but Kakashi had the answer to that.
After fixing up the crib, he helped his wife to bed, fluffing the pillows and rearranging them in position to maximize her comfort. As Asuma kissed his wife good night and then leaned over to kiss her baby bump as well, he prayed that day for Kakashi would come soon.
A/N: If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs immediate help, please call or text your designated crisis lifeline support. In the United States, the new number for the national suicide prevention lifeline is now 988.
Also, we are now in the home stretch for ACT 1. I have already finished writing the remaining chapters although I still need to polish and SPAG check them but, otherwise, ACT 1 is good to go! Then after ACT 1, we will take a break before heading into ACT 2.
Finally, please check out this really awesome fanart that a reader, akanothere on Tumblr and Twitter, drew for this fic of soldier Kakashi! As always, this site does not allow links so in order to view the fanart, please copy-paste this for Tumblr: /post/693295982583087104/past-soldier-kks-rent-free-in-my-head-thanks-to
Or copy-paste this to view the version on Twitter: /akanothere/status/1561720270129221632?s=20&t=zAGwlHyn20lbe1mxZrTHdg
Tumblr: tcookies777
Twitter: Rey_OrganaSolo
AO3: TCOOKIES777
