Authors' note: Hello everyone ! Here's the chapter for this week :) The next one has to be written yet, event i I know what I want to do with it.

Well, it wasn't a walk in the park to write, even if I clearly in mind where I wanted to go. It's hitting close to home, so be prepared for a bit of angst and curse, and a massive load of self depreciation.

Anyway, hope you'll enjoy the story, and see you next weekend if I'm not too overloaded with work. Thank you for reading !

Disclaimer: I do not own My hero Academia.


The long forgotten feeling took him by surprise while coming back to the dorm. The boys were happily chatting about the next movie night, guessing what kind of movie the class will be seeing, when a cold sensation sank in the pit of his stomach, his lungs suddenly compressed, the air making itself more scarce.
Not now, not now…
"Hey guys, I... think I forgot something in my desk, I'll go fetch it real quick!", he shouted, already coming back on his steps.
"Ok Kami, want to hang out and play video games tonight?", asked Kiri before his friend departed for good.
"You bet! See ya!"

Denki lost no time, jogging toward the school, evading the girls who were walking behind them while hiding his face the best he could.
"Kami-chan seems in a hurry, ribbit", said Tsu as she watched him sprinting, her finger on her cheek in wonder.
Momo paused before assuming out loud, "He must have forgotten something in the classroom."
Kyoka remained silent, an uneasy feeling on her chest. She couldn't really see his face, but something was off with the way he passed by them and his general demeanor.

She checked her schoolbag in search of her phone, planning to text or call to check on him.
"Errr…. Girls, I guess I'll have to return to the class, I forgot my phone", she uttered.
"We can go with you if you want", Ochaco proposed, already marching toward the school.
"No, no, really, it's not necessary, I won't be long," Kyoka quickly replied, not wanting to bother her friends, "besides, you had a study session planned, right? So go ahead, I'll see you later!"
They waved at each other, as she walked back at a tranquil pace. Maybe she'd cross Kaminari's path and learn more about what happened.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…
Hiding behind one of the building, Denki tried to calm himself, the cold shivers still ghosting on his skin. It had been several months since he did his last panic attack, and he had absolutely no fucking clue about what triggered it.
Seeing no sign of a respite, he decided to try another of his methods to calm down. He headed for a secluded place of the park, and sat on the grass under one of the biggest tree. He closed his eyes, focusing on the ruffle of the wind in the leaves, the scent of the grass below him, the feeling of the afternoon light on his skin.

After a few minutes, his ragged breathing began to found some kind of a steadier rhythm. But he knew he wasn't through with it, a tightness still gripping his heart, the cold sweat expanding on all his body.
His mind drifted to the wrong side, circling around the very thoughts that downed him a little bit more each time they surfaced.
Useless… Weak… Fake…. What were you trying to do, huh? Getting better? As if you were able to do it! You brought that on yourself and there will never be an end to it

He felt like drowning, helplessly searching for something to hold on to. He summoned the kindest memories he could find, the nights fooling around with the Bakusquad, the manly way Eijirou had to care, the always mocking but reliable Sero, doing hair with Mina, the concert and every moment spent with Jirou…
Among all this comfort, the vicious voices kept assaulting him, making his friends insults him, mocking his state after overusing his Quirk, shouts of Dunce Face" and "Whey!" echoing inside his head.

See, they are also saying you're dumb and useless, like every one you tried to create a bond with.… Why do you still try? Why don't you understand that you'll always be alone?

He knew this was bad. He knew it was not true. He knew that there was always ways to be a better version of yourself. He knew he was not THAT useless and unworthy. He wanted to scream out his frustration at being that way.
But his mind was on overdrive, unable to process anything else than this thick darkness he was battling with. Trapped inside his own mind, gathering every ounce of energy he had on focusing on his breathing and aching heart, he didn't notice the constant buzzing of his phone.

...

Why was this dumb ass not answering?

Kyoka had quickly retrieved her phone she had put in the drawer below her desk. She had took a look at her neighbor's, finding it empty. Kaminari had already came in the classroom, then.

She headed out, feeling restless. It was strange that she didn't see him at all, neither in their classroom nor in the hallways or on the campus, since she headed back not to long after him. And she couldn't get of her head the sound of his heartbeat, erratic as if he was afraid of something. She didn't meant to hear it, but when he ran next to her, it was suddenly the only sound in her ears, surrounding her with a violent feeling.

Worry got the best of her, as she browsed her contact list, clicking on his name.
After 5 unsuccessful calls, she scanned her surroundings, thinking about what he could have wanted to do at school. Checking his new gear? She didn't recall him talking about new improvements. Talking to one of their teachers? He would have gone straight away after class if he needed to, or if he was summoned.

He felt like he wanted to flee something, or someone. Were the guys fighting over something? That didn't seemed the case, judging by their behavior and the relaxed way they talked.
She tousled her hair in frustration: she was running in circles, and god know what was happening to Pikachu right now. With all their class had been through, she couldn't help to be scared for the worst… And losing Kaminari…

She inhaled deeply, extending her jacks to pinpoint the location of the different people in the building, focusing on the sound his heart made.
She searched each floor, and headed then to the park. The sun was slowly setting, the scarce number of students helping her in the process. She jumped as the distinctive sound she was looking for resonated in her ear: she ran, not losing a minute. It was not as loud than before, the rhythm more consistent: this detail relieved her a bit, with the fact that she hadn't sensed another person near him.

She saw him in the distance, sitting near a tree, his body curled up on himself. As she neared him, she gradually noticed the shivers, and heard the short and erratic breaths coming from him.
She swore that she heard something crack as she knelt in front of him.
"Hey, Pikachu, you hear me?" she asked softly. She had no idea what to do, he was obviously suffering, but why? Was he physically hurt?
He wasn't responding to her questions, and her hopelessness rose straight away, when she noticed his muffled rambling and clenched jaw.

I don't belong here, I'm no good, I'd rather dis…

Anger exploded in her chest, and she launched herself at him, trying to grab him by the collar with her right hand.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Denki Kaminari?!"
He snapped out of his trance as the use of his full name, furious onyx eyes framed by unshed tears meeting his own tear streak ones.
"Ji…"
"Don't you Jirou me! I knew something was wrong with you the moment you passed by, why didn't you call me? Or Kirishima? Or Sero?", she shouted, her pent-up worry and fear flowing freely.
"I didn't want to bothe…."
"Shut up! See what good it has done to you, speaking of dis… disappearing!" she angrily whispered, the thought of this happening hurting her more than she anticipated. She averted her gaze, roughly wiping her eyes with her left arm.

His eyes widened, her outburst anchoring him to reality again. What the hell was he thinking?
Somewhere along the way, he surrendered and he betrayed everything he had built these past months…. He had failed her too and the trust that were blooming between them.

Driven by a sudden impulse, he put his arms around her small frame, his forehead resting against her shoulder, whispering a litany of shuddered "Sorry" and "Thank you", holding her preciously like he was afraid she would break.
Please don't hate me, don't leave me alone.

Usually she would have pierce any boy who hugged her without permission with her jacks, yelling at him to back off.
But she let one of her arms sliding slowly up and down his back, her other hand resting on his head, patting lightly the soft strands of sunshine. She hummed a soft tone slowly, resembling the melody of Hero too, hoping it'd soothe him.
She couldn't let him there, hurt and alone.

She couldn't let go, because Denki Kaminari was the one holding and needing her.

...

The orange coloring the sky had taken a darker shade, as they sat under the tree, their faces regaining a paler tone. They awkwardly broke the hug few minutes ago, both flushed with embarrassment and self-consciousness. Never meeting each other eyes, they each tried to collect themselves, their emotions in shambles, from relief to sadness, from joy to fear, from shame to a tingling need to feel soft touch again.

Kyoka broke the silence first, her voice low. She was afraid of how he would react, but she needed to understand.
"Do… do you mind telling me what happened?"

He felt a lot calmer, even if he knew it would be a difficult conversation for him. She deserved to know, the memory of her hurt and angry gaze imprinted in his mind.
He took a long breath, and felt his voice crack a little as the words came out.

"I… I used to have some kind of panic attacks before…. I know I'm always the happy go lucky type, but… I have a darker side that came with the stupid things I've done in middle school."

Panic attack… It made sense now, the way he was hyperventilating and numb to everything.
She had felt that there was more than his cheerful self for a long time now: people's heart rarely were only full of light or darkness. It was only recently that she wondered how he became this kind of person, and she didn't understand herself why she wanted so bad to learn more.

"I…I dedicated myself to make everyone happy, hoping I will be valued, that I'll have a place somewhere. And I did real shit, beginning by insulting myself, playing dumb and being the one everyone laughed at, always smiling and asking for it in a way."
He gripped the grass beneath his right hand, and she reached for his finger to ease the tension building in him.
"Ya know, everyone did that kind of crap at one point in life. It seems normal to me to be acknowledged", she replied, not wanting him to brood on negative thoughts.
"I understood that last summer, before enrolling here. But it was a bit too late, and I was already struggling for a long time with… the kind of things you heard earlier…"

"Did you already… tried to…?" she breathed out softly, the words failing her.
"No… I can't say I've never thought about it, but I've never…well…"
Her hand was fully atop of his now, wanting to give comfort and taking some as well. It shook her, the thought of him hurting this much to the point of breaking. She stayed silent, hearing his heartbeat taking a steady and slow pace again

"In the end, I'm just a regular boy with self-esteem troubles. It's like a vicious grip, and each time I try to break free, it is founding a way to come back and keep me in the dark. It didn't happened that much since I'm in the hero course, but it is here still, and maybe I've forgotten that. I'm feeling pretty good for a few months, even with all the shit we went through."

He had to get all these thoughts out from his system, or he would never be able to grow out of his shell and have healthy relationships with everyone, so he went on, feeling the burden less and less at each words.
"I sometimes feel like I don't belong in the hero course either, with all of you so great and such", he shakily added, "but it make so much more sense for me to care for all of you. I have grown here, and I feel great here, and I don't wanna screw this up again."
"I see what you mean. Guess that all the shitty events we lived forged us in a big family. But you know, stop the pedestal crap with us. You belong here, and you bring something to us that nobody else can bring. So don't you ever forget that, that's how you won't screw up."

They looked at each other for the first time since they began to talk, a small smile on Jirou's lips, his amber eyes regaining their usual warmth.
"I'm really sorry to have worried you, and at the same time, I'm thankful…. Maybe I've let my guard down too much, I really can't explain why it came up all of a sudden. And I don't think I would have get out of that without you."
"You're not alone in this, I hope it's printed in that fried brain of yours, Pikachu", she teased, poking his forehead lightly with her jack, "nothing's wrong with struggling, and we all have to find a way to overcome this. Why do you think I write songs, huh? So keep on moving to do what YOU want to do."
"I… I'll try my best to seek help if it happens again, I swear", he promised with a straight look in her eyes.

His phone buzzed, and he reached for it. Kyoka felt relief at the interruption, feeling somehow exhausted by the last hour. She was chastising him and giving advice that she knew she didn't follow through… She had a hard time dealing with all the feelings inside her now, and she couldn't talk to him about it… since he was the reason for them in the first place. She reached for her phone, ready to text Momo.

"Hey Bro, what's up?"
The voice of Kirishima blared from the phone."Where are you? I wanted to warn you that the video games night was off, but I can't find you anywhere."
Kaminari sighed, and braced himself for another though talk. "Actually, something came up, and I'm still at school."
"How come? Something's wrong?" asked the redhead, worry lacing his voice
"Yeah, and if you have time tonight, I'd like to talk about it, if it's okay with you", said Denki in a soft voice, the fear of rejection creeping inside him.
"Sure man, meet me in my room after dinner, I restocked the snacks!"
"Thanks, Eijirou", he murmured with a warm tone, gratefulness keeping the fear at bay.
"Anytime, see ya!"

He looked at Jirou, whose fingers were hovering on her phone, obviously focused on her text.

He got up, the cold beginning to settle in the air. It was time to move again, some of the doubts ebbing away. He extended a hand to her, helping her up, and they walked back to the dorms in a comfortable silence, their hands occasionally brushing lightly, none of them speaking up about it.