Sleep does come at last, but it is restless, rife with dreams and disturbing visions conjured up by the unsettling conversation with my son.
I see my beloved Padmé, her angelic face tense with worry and fear, begging me to come away with her, to turn back from the path of Darkness I have embarked upon. But I don't listen to her, I turn on her, like a vicious animal, for she is not alone- she has brought Kenobi with her. Feelings of jealousy, of betrayal and resentment flare up within me, dangerous and incendiary, like the molten rivers that flow ceaselessly over the surface of this God forsaken planet. I am certain that she has brought him here to kill me, certain that they have conspired against me, and it breaks my heart to think that the two people I love most have turned on me this way. I reach out with the Force, meaning to choke her, to stop the lies…
I am woken up by the gentle shaking of my arm. My eyes snap open; I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as the images from my dream fade to black. I see my son standing there, a look of concern on his face. He is alone.
"You were having a nightmare," explains Luke. "You were shouting, calling a name over and over."
"What name was that?" I ask, though certain that I already know.
"Padmé," responds my son. "You've said it before. Who is that? Is it a place?"
I look up at him. "Padmé was the name of your mother, Luke," I tell him.
He nods his understanding, silently digesting this information.
"Your sister is not here," I note, not terribly surprised.
"No," replies Luke, somewhat apologetically. "She…she isn't ready yet, Father...I'm sorry."
"I'm not surprised, son," I tell him. "I know how hard this must be for her to accept."
"She will, though," responds Luke hopefully. "I'm sure she will in time. It's all been so recent for her, I mean…she only found out that...well that..."
"That her arch enemy is actually her father?" I say, filling in the rest.
Luke looks uncomfortable, not knowing how to respond.
"I can only imagine how she feels," I reply. "I know it hasn't been easy for you either, Luke. To be honest, I'm surprised at how forgiving and accepting of me you have been."
Luke smiles. "I've wanted to know my father all my life," he replies. "I grew up feeling that a part of me was somehow missing because I never had the chance to know you- I'm not about to miss the opportunity now."
I smile at my son. "You remind me of your mother," I tell him. "She always managed to see the good in others when no one else could."
"Tell me about her," Luke says. "Tell me about you…about your life together. How did you meet? What was she like?"
"Where should I begin?" I ask, sitting up.
"From the beginning," suggests Luke. "How did you meet? Where?"
I take a moment to gather my thoughts.
"I was nine years old when I first met your mother," I tell him. "I was a slave, along with my mother, living on Tatooine. We belonged to a junk dealer, a Toydarian named Watto. I used to work in his shop; he found me useful since I was always very good at fixing things. One day some offworlders came into the shop, looking for parts to fix the hyperdrive on a Naboo cruiser- your mother was among them." I stop as I recall the first time I saw her face, and smile at the memory. "I asked her if she was an angel, for I had never seen a girl so beautiful in my life. She was fourteen, and though I didn't know it at the time, the queen of Naboo, disguised as one of her handmaidens for her own protection. Even though we were but children, there was a connection between us, even from the beginning. Not a day would go by after that one that her face was not in my dreams."
I stop for a moment, remembering her smile, remembering her gentle way. How I wish she could have lived to see our children grow into the remarkable young people they have become…how proud she would have been of them, just as I am. I press on, knowing my son needs answers. "I knew that they needed help, and my owner was not the type to offer it, not without a substantial reward; so I did what I could to help them. I offered to give them the prize money that I was certain I could win in the podrace that was taking place the next day."
Luke's eyes grow wide at this point. "You raced in the pod races?" he asks incredulously.
I nod. "Yes, even as a boy I was quite a pilot and the only human who had ever raced. At any rate, I won the race, enabling them to get the parts they needed to fix their ship. I didn't know at the time that one of them, a Jedi Knight named Qui-Gon Jinn, had also gambled with Watto for my freedom. He saw in me qualities that he believed would make me a Jedi one day. It broke my heart to leave my mother, for Qui-Gon had not been able to secure her freedom. But I knew that my destiny was to be a Jedi, and so I left Tatooine, leaving my mother behind. I would live to regret leaving her alone that way…"
I stop at this point, the memory of her standing there in front of our small abode as I walk away burned forever in my mind. I knew how much she was hurting, how hard it was for her to let me go; yet she was so utterly selfless that she would not have had it any other way. My son waits for me to continue patiently.
"What about your father?" asks Luke. "What did he do? Was he also a slave?"
I look at my son, wondering how to tell him what I never completely understood myself. "I...I had no father, Luke," I tell him. "My mother was the only parent I ever had."
"That doesn't make any sense," is his reply.
"I know."
"So what are you saying, then?" he asks.
"My mother simply became pregnant with me. Qui-Gon told me later that it was because I was the one the Jedi had prophesized about, the Chosen One who would bring balance to the Force. I can't explain it any better than that."
My son is silent for a moment as he tries to comprehend the mystery of my origins; something I have never quite been able to grasp myself.
"That's incredible, father. The pressure that you must have felt to succeed even as a young child must have been enormous," he comments at last.
"I always knew that my destiny was to accomplish something of significance- until I met Qui Gon I didn't know what that was," I reply.
"I wish I had met this Qui Gon, you obviously had a lot of respect for him," comments Luke.
"He was a great man, Luke- a kind and wise man. I often think that...well, wonder what might have been had he lived to guide me longer," I reply wistfully.
"So when he died, that's when Obi Wan took over as your mentor?" he asks.
I nod in reply. "Yes- Qui Gon was convinced that I was the chosen one of Jedi prophesy, and even though the Jedi council refused to sanction my training, he took me on as his padawan learner- as he lay dying he made Obi-Wan promise to train me, and I suppose Kenobi felt compelled to do so."
"So when did you reconnect with my mother? You said that you met her as a child, were you already a Jedi when your paths crossed again?" asks Luke.
"Not yet, I was still a padawan. It wasn't until 10 years later that we met again- during those ten years she served two terms as Queen of Naboo, and then subsequently became senator of that planet. Obi- Wan and I were assigned to protect her, as several attempts had been made on her life," I remember.
"By whom?" asks Luke.
"That was part of our assignment; you see she opposed a radical motion to create an army for the Republic. This was a time when many star systems had become discontent with being a part of the Republic, and were agitating for separation. It was a volatile time, the Republic was slowly crumbling; your mother was one of the few politicians who had integrity and honesty in a time of corruption. In many ways your sister reminds me of Padmé; her devotion to justice, her crusading nature. Your mother would be so proud of you both."
I stop for a moment, my memories of her threatening to flood my mind. I push them away for the moment, and continue my narrative.
"Coruscant was deemed too dangerous, so I took her to her home planet of Naboo, to protect her. We stayed in her family's estate in the Lake District, where it was remote and safe. We were there for weeks, alone except for the servants who worked on the estate. As a Jedi it was forbidden for me to have attachments; yet there was nothing I could do about the way I felt about her."
"And did she feel the same way about you?" asks my son.
I smile. "She did- though she was far better at keeping her emotions in check- she was the rational one, never letting me forget the impossible nature of such a relationship."
Luke states, "But obviously she eventually changed her mind about that."
I nod. "Yes, it was impossible for us to deny how we felt- I felt a connection with her the moment I first met her, and not a day had gone by in the ten years we'd been apart that I hadn't thought of her- so we were married in a secret ceremony on Naboo, in complete defiance of all the rules and regulations the Jedi order had imposed on me - we thought we could live a secret life; but we would eventually be destroyed by the secret we had tried so hard to keep."
"Destroyed?" asks Luke, a frown on his face.
"Yes Luke, destroyed...not right away, we knew much happiness together- and though our time together was so short, it was the happiest of my life," I tell him, smiling at the memory.
"So no one knew about your relationship? Not even Obi Wan?" he asks.
"The servants in Padme's household, but that was all- we didn't dare tell anyone, I would have been expelled from the Order, your mother's career as a senator would have ended in scandal," I explain.
Luke seems confused at this point. "But obviously at some point she became pregnant...is that when your secret became known? Were you expelled from the order because of me? Is that what caused you to..."
He stops, perhaps not wanting to fill in the rest, perhaps afraid to learn something to terrible.
"I wasn't expelled from the Order, Luke," I tell him cryptically. "I remember the day she told me she was pregnant so well- it was during the Clone Wars, and we hadn't seen one another for nearly 6 months. When I came home to Coruscant she told me. She was afraid, knowing that it was going to be impossible to keep our secret for much longer; but I was elated. I somehow felt that everything would work out, that our child was a blessing, and that it would mean nothing but happiness for us."
"So you were happy about me, about us?" asks Luke tentatively.
I smile at him. "That day was the happiest one of my life, Luke."
He seems pleased to hear it. "So what happened?" he asks.
I am silent, the memory of the short time I had with my beloved angel conjuring up emotions in my heart that had long since been dormant. My son is silent as well. How I wish the story ended differently; how I wish I could tell him something other than the truth- but he deserve to know, for no doubt he has spent his life listening to lies and half truths. Yet, I cannot help but wonder if he will be as forgiving and compassionate of me once he learns of the part I played in his mother's death.
"That very night," I continue at last, "I had a terrifying dream. I had learned to fear my dreams, for they often proved to be portents of the future. I dreamed of the death of my mother. I had dreamed for weeks of her being in pain. When I finally went to Tatooine to find her, she was a prisoner of a band of Tuskens, who had brutalized her and kept her captive for weeks. She died in my arms," I stop the emotions too strong to continue. I close my eyes, as I relive the agony of that moment…hear my mother's words in my mind as the life slips away from her.
"I'm sorry," says Luke softly. I look up at him, summoning my courage to continue.
"I dreamed of your mother dying in childbirth," I say at last. "I became obsessed with saving her, so terrified that I would lose her the way I had lost my mother."
"How did you hope to save her?" asks Luke.
"At first it seemed hopeless," I reply. "I couldn't tell anyone; no one knew that we were married, at least not anyone who could help me. And then out from a most unexpected source, I found a glimmer of hope."
"Where?"
"A man, who had been a mentor and a friend to me for years, since I was a boy, told me a story about a Sith Lord who had learned how to prevent the ones he loved from dying, because of his knowledge of the Dark Side of the Force," I tell him.
"Was that Palpatine?" asks Luke.
"Yes , it was him," I reply, frowning when I think of how he used me, how he pretended to care about my well being when all along he was just waiting to turn me into his slave…
"He was the Chancellor of the Republic at this time," I continue. "No one, including me, knew his true identity was that of a Sith Lord. I was so intrigued, by his story, so hopeful that it was possible to save your mother, that I became blinded to all else. I grasped on desperately to this one chance to save her, abandoning my loyalty to the Jedi Order, betraying my vows made to them; and willingly became an apprentice to Lord Sideous, who finally revealed himself to be a Dark Lord of the Sith. I sold my soul to him for the opportunity to save Padmé, and he used me, twisted me, and finally destroyed what was left of Anakin Skywalker to create his ultimate killing machine, the monster you know as Darth Vader."
Luke is stunned. "That's...that's almost unbelievable...I had no idea why you had turned. Yoda had said you chose the quick and easy path."
I am outraged by his statement. "Easy?" I reply with emotion. "I went through such torment...I was desperate to save your mother, the thought of losing her drove me mad...and to such desperation that I was blind to what was happening to me until it was too late to turn back."
"So what happened to her?" he asks.
"Sideous sent me to the planet Mustafar to kill the Separatists," I remember, "but not until after I had wiped out every last Jedi in the capital; every youngling, every padawan…I brought a legion of clone troopers with me, and we slaughtered them. I…I was blinded with power…consumed by it. The more I killed, the easier it became; and yet I kept telling myself it was for her; that only through my mastery of the Dark Side could I save her."
"But Obi Wan and Yoda survived," Luke points out.
"Yes, they did," I concur. Then I continue my narrative. "After I had killed all the Separatists, I was waiting for further orders from my master. Your mother's ship landed on the platform. I ran to meet her, surprised to see her so far from home in her condition. She had come to confront me, to ask me if what Kenobi had told her was true. He had learned of the atrocities at the Jedi temple, and had come to her, telling her that I had turned to the Dark Side. She was terrified, horrified, and begged me to turn away from the path I had embarked upon, to come with her, to be with her….I tried to tell her that I was doing this to protect her, but she didn't want to hear it.
She was heart broken, devastated by the changes in me; but I still did not listen…and then…I saw Kenobi. He had come with her…at the time I believed that she had brought him with her, lead him to me in order to kill me, and I was enraged. I felt betrayed, utterly betrayed that she would turn against me in that way."
Luke listens patiently and then asks me the painfully simple question, "What did you do to her?"
I frown as I remember that horrible moment, the moment I have regretted for the rest of my life. "I turned on her, I believed that she and Kenobi had conspired to kill me, the darkness within me blinded me to all else but the rage and betrayal I felt - so I lashed out at her - I reached out with the Force and ..." I stop, unable to utter the words.
Luke will not be put off, however and presses me for answers. "And?"
I look up at him, anguished and contrite. "I choked her... Kenobi intervened, compelled me to release her. I did...She…she fell to the ground, unconscious. And that was when our battle began."
Luke's eyes widen with shock and horror. "You CHOKED her?" he asks in disbelief.
I look away, unable to stand the bitterness in my son's eyes. "Yes," I say quietly.
Luke speaks at once. "But she didn't die; you said this was before I was born."
I shake my head. "No she didn't - though I was told by Sidious that she had died, that I had killed her. It wasn't until I learned of your existence that I found out the truth. The realization that I had killed the person I loved more than my own self, the one I had tried so desperately to save, as well as our child, was the final push - I embraced the darkness totally, for that was all I had left in the universe."
Luke bombards me with questions now. "So when did she die? How did she die? Was it because of what you did?"
I sigh, wishing I could give him the answers he so desperately needs. "I don't know Luke… she died shortly after you were born, that much I do know- when I learned of your existence I searched the data files of Naboo , hoping desperately that she too was alive- but I saw a hologram from her funeral, and it was dated the very next day, after my fateful fight on Mustafar with Kenobi."
Luke nods solemnly. "So what Kenobi said, that you killed her..." he stops, clearly not sure what to say. I sense that he wants to absolve me, is desperate to do so, but isn't quite sure that he can do it.
"I know he blames me," I tell him, "as I have blamed myself for so many years."
Luke stands up and starts to pace the room. "I don't know what to think," he says softly.
I watch him, feeling the anguish within him growing. "He also told you that Darth Vader killed your father," I point out.
Luke nods. "Yeah, he did," he concurs.
I frown. "Kenobi's perspective of things tends to be very black and white."
Luke stops and looks at me. "But what he told me doesn't really matter," he says. "What matters is the truth. This is so horribly tragic, so unnecessary….I don't know what to think, what to feel…"
I look up at my son, my heart heavy. "I wish I could give you an explanation that would make you understand it all, Luke," I tell him. "But I cannot- all I can tell you is that I loved your mother with all my soul…but that the Dark Side twisted that love into something insidious, something monstrous. In trying to save her, I unwittingly ended up destroying us both…"
Luke cuts me off. "I don't want to hear anymore right now...I need time to digest this."
I nod. "Of course, son; I understand that."
Luke cannot look at me. "I need to..." he doesn't finish his sentence and then leaves the room.
He leaves me, I hear him as he runs down the corridor outside my room. Now he truly knows me…will he still be so anxious to have me in his life now that he does? I close my eyes as the tears come, wishing I had died all those years ago on that planet so far away…
