500 Republica Boulevard…an address I know well, but one I'm not certain I have the courage to face after all these years. Yet I feel compelled to try, to do my best to face the ghosts that will undoubtedly haunt me there.
As I travel up the elevator, I am reminded of the first time I ever set foot in this elegant establishment, so many years ago. I was a boy of 19, a padawan learner, bursting with teenage self-importance and cockiness. I hadn't seen Padmé in ten years, and was nervous, excited and apprehensive all at once. I recall trying so hard to be smooth, to impress her; and yet I managed only to embarrass myself, making my feelings for her painfully obvious to all present. I close my eyes as I relive that moment again, the image of her radiant smile forever burned in my memory.
Ani? My goodness you've grown!
So have you... grown more beautiful, I mean... and much shorter... for a Senator, I mean.
Oh Ani, you'll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine.
How annoyed Obi-Wan was with me- how disapproving. He knew from the beginning how I felt about her, but never offered anything but scolding and lectures to assuage my confusion and heartache.
The elevator stops, and I open my eyes. A message appears on the comm. Screen, telling me that access to the penthouse apartment is prohibited without authorization. I frown, not about to be put off by someone's rules. This was my home, the only home I truly ever had; I will see it again, rules be damned. I close my eyes and use the Force to override the computer controls on the elevator. It lurches and starts moving upward again.
The doors open, and I step out into the vestibule. How many times was I greeted in this spot by my beloved, having been separated for weeks, sometimes months, during the course of the Clone Wars. We were always so careful to keep our marriage secret, but here we were able to demonstrate our affection openly, without fear.
I walk into the apartment slowly, the memories flooding my mind. Happy memories, of joyful reunions, of laughter, of passion; our time together was always so short, but we lived so much in those precious moments, perhaps more than most people do in a lifetime together.
My throat constricts as I walk from room to room. The furniture is covered up, the art work packed, as though someone had tried to prepare the apartment for resale, but had decided against it. No doubt the fate of the former owner was well known to the gossiping Coruscant citizens, making this place undesirable for superstitious reasons.
I walk out onto the balcony, the Coruscant skyline red with the setting sun. I remember the last time I was here, that fateful day so long ago. Padmé was terrified, the sight of the Jedi Temple in flames having made her fear the worst. I told her that I was going to Mustafar, to wait for me; I tried to reassure her that all would be well, but even then I think she knew that things would never be well again. What would have happened if I hadn't told her where I was going? She never would have followed me there, Obi-Wan never would have stolen away aboard her ship, and I never would have lost my temper thinking she had betrayed me. If only I had the power to change the past…to reverse the way things had turned out. But even "The Chosen One", with more power than any Jedi could ever have dreamed of, is helpless to change the past.
I feel exhausted now, and am suddenly reminded that, technically, I'm a convalescent. I rub my eyes, still amazed that I can do such as simple thing as that again, and ponder where I will spend the night. Do I dare sleep here? No one knows I'm here, I've made sure of that, but do I have the courage to spend a night in the bed that I once shared with my beloved wife?
I walk to the bedroom, bracing myself for the onslaught of memories that are sure to hit me as soon as I enter the room. It is dark, for the curtains are drawn. My movements, however, soon activate the remote illumination program, and instantly the room is full of incandescent light. I catch sight of myself in the large round mirror on the wall, and stop in my tracks. Is that truly my own reflection I see there? It hardly seems possible. It has been so long since I have donned the garb of the Jedi, and it takes me back to a happier time. I notice that I am starting to grow back hair now, and rub my chin as though to prove that my eyes are not playing tricks on me. It's a miracle…
Everything is as I remember in this room, down to the last piece of artwork on the wall. It seems as though the would-be movers hadn't reached this part of the apartment yet, for nothing has been moved or packed away. I walk slowly over to the bed, my heart beating hard in my chest. Tentatively I sit down on the edge of it, closing my eyes as the images bombard my brain. I put my face in my hands, unable to stop the tears now as my heart aches with remembering. She is gone…how will I ever get over the pain of her loss? How can I go on knowing that I am responsible for her death? I weep into my hands, with no one there to hear me, no one there to comfort me; alone as I fear I will spend the rest of my days.
I don't recall falling asleep, but at some point I did, for several hours later I wake up. I recognize the sounds of the room, the shapes visible in the dark; and for a brief agonizing moment I am confused, believing that I am 21 years old again, and that my darling wife is asleep at my side. But she is not; and I am not 21. I am alone, and she is gone. I close my eyes again, pushing the painful thoughts from my mind, willing my body to go back to sleep. It works.
Anakin…Anakin...can you hear me?
I open my eyes, and in the dim light of dawn see a figure standing beside the bed. I squint, trying to discern out who it is, but it is hard to see. The figure speaks again, and this time I recognize the voice.
Ani, it's me.
Padmé? I ask, not daring to hope. Is it really you?
Yes, Ani, she replies, I am here.
Am I dreaming?
Yes and no.
I don't understand…
Ani I want you to promise me something.
Anything!
I want you to promise that you will be there for our children that you will go back to them. They need you – and you need them.
I nod my head, though I'm not thoroughly convinced. I reach out to her. Padmé, my beautiful Padmé…I am so sorry...so sorry for everything…I love you, Padmé …I miss you so much...
She smiles. I love you too, Ani, but this is the way it must be. I forgive you Ani- you must now forgive yourself and live the life you were destined to live.
What does that mean?
But she doesn't answer, and I suddenly wake up.
I sit up in the bed, look around, but even before I do I know that she is not there. Was that a dream? Or was she truly here, in some form? My hands are trembling; I am so shaken by the vision of her. The anguish is unbearable, and part of me wishes I would never wake up, if she is there in that nebulous state of semi consciousness. Wishing I had answers, I get up, feeling that, perhaps, my life might be worth living after all.
I prepare to leave the apartment, taking with me what few belongings I had left behind here. Discretion was always paramount with Padmé; I used to love teasing her, threatening to make a big public display of my love for her. I smile now as I remember how easily she fell for my mischievous sense of humor. How I miss her!
I stand in the middle of the large central room as the sun slowly begins to rise in the Coruscant sky. There are so many memories; I feel her presence in every corner of every room. The strength that I had awoken with has left me. The vision of Padmé was but a dream, her loving, encouraging words nothing but my own mind's desperate need for absolution. I sit down, suddenly feeling tired and defeated. I rest my face in my hands, wishing I had answers, longing for direction.
"Anakin, you mustn't give in to despair. You are stronger than this."
I look up at the sound of the voice and see Qui G'on standing before me. I look up at my one time master.
"I don't know if I am, Master Qui G'on," I tell him. "I don't know what my place is anymore. I'm not even sure I have one."
"Of course you have a place," he admonishes me gently. "You are the Chosen One. I have always known that about you, Anakin, ever since you were a young boy, and I still believe it."
I frown. "How can I be the Chosen One after all that I have done? I was Darth Vader for more than twenty years, and during those years I committed such horrendous acts of evil…even against my beloved wife and children!"
Qui G'on listens patiently, just as he always has. "I know what the Dark Side did to you, Anakin," he replies. "I wish I could have guided you away from its path; but perhaps that was not my destiny. Perhaps I would have failed even if I'd tried. Did you ever consider that the prophecy about the Chosen One was misunderstood? That it was your destiny to fall into darkness before redemption?"
I shake my head. "No, it does not seem right. I have done such terrible things, such unspeakable acts…how could any of that amounted to something besides destruction?"
Qui G'on smiles. "I know you feel tremendous guilt for the life you've led this past 20 years, Anakin; but nothing can be done about that now. The past is the past; your sacrifice to save your son redeemed you, brought you out of the Darkness. Now you have a chance to live the life you were meant to live."
His words strike a chord with me, for they are strangely reminiscent of the words my vision of Padmé spoke to me. "I…I dreamed of Padmé last night," I tell him, my eyes cast downward. "I dream of her often, but last night was different. It was as though she was trying to communicate with me; at least that's what I'd like to think."
"Indeed it may have been that she was, Anakin," replies Qui G'on. "Only those who were Jedi in life are strong enough with the Force to return from the netherworld as I am right now, but perhaps there are paths that others can take, such as the one she took to speak to you."
I look up at him as new hope stirs within me. "You mean what she said to me…was true?"
Qui G'on nods. "Perhaps. What did she tell you, Anakin?"
I think for a moment as I recall her words. "She…she told me that she forgives me, that she loves me…and that our children need me as much as I need them. She...she also told me that I must forgive myself," I conclude quietly.
My former master nods as he listens. "Words of wisdom, my former padawan; you must forgive yourself, otherwise your life will be nothing but despair. You have a chance to reclaim your children, Anakin! A chance to undo the hurt you've caused them, to build back what you helped to destroy. Don't you want that chance?"
I look at Qui G'on, remembering how much he meant to me even though I'd known him such a short time. I can't help but wonder how differently I'd have turned out had he been there to guide me all along.
"Yes," I reply at last. "I do. More than anything."
"Then go to your son," he urges. "He is looking for you. Go to him, Anakin; build your relationship with him."
"And my daughter?" I ask. "What of Leia? She wants nothing to do with me; she hates me."
"Give her time," he advises. "She has only recently learned that you are her father, it will take her time to accept you, but she will. Be patient, Anakin."
I smile. "I've heard those words from you many times, Master," I say.
Qui G'on laughs. "Yes, I'm sure. Now go, Anakin. And may the Force be with you."
