Soul Searching
Lyrics from Charge – by Splendid
Spoilers: minor spoilers for the Girl in the Fire Place, School Reunion and The Doctor Dances.
Was just going to be one chapter, but since you were all so nice I was easy persuaded to write more! Enjoy!
Chapter Two
The way you love
Have you got a name for it
Cos I don't understand it
Rose lay on the sofa and listened to the Doctors footsteps ring on the floor of the control room. She had caught him looking earlier; she always did. The only problem she had with it was he blushed; he always blushed when she caught him looking. Was it because he was embarrassed to look at her or because he was embarrassed of his feelings? That was one of the many things she didn't understand about the Doctor. She seemed so sure that he loved her; he'd been so close to saying it but the only time she ever heard it was in her dreams. She was so sick of 'I love… spending time with you' and 'I love… travelling with you' it was as though he had some sort of fear of the truth. Unless… unless he didn't love her. But how could he not? She loved him so much, so deeply, unlike how she had ever loved anyone in her entire life, how could he not reverberate her feelings? That's what she didn't understand, if he loved her why couldn't he express it, why did he hide it and allow her to run off with other men and most importantly why did he allow Madame de Pompadour to happen?
The language is an annoying necessity
Got a list tattooed on my memory
Of how our tryst should unfold
If only they didn't have to speak, if words weren't important, the things they could share in a look. Sometimes it was just the he looked at her, sometimes it can be the kindest of looks, but other days it could make her heart melt. She had seen it in her head, a hundred different moments splattered over time and space, a hundred different moments where things could have ended so differently. So many times where the moment could have ended in a passionate kiss rather than an awkward silence, each time Rose thought of these moments her heart broke a little more. Did he fear her so much? Moments so many moments, would it really have been that hard for him to release her from one of his bone crushing hugs and then gently pressed his lips against hers, would it be so hard for him to do that? Sure enough she had thought of it day after day, moment after moment, secretly analysing every interaction, every word he said. The sound of foot steps were getting louder and Rose knew very soon he would be upon her.
I'm falling from the opposite,
What good is it?
Fight the map with no key attached
My heart's enlarged and I charge
Rose's heart started to pound as he approached her. If only things were easier, if only there was a set plan of how her life was meant to go, at least that way she would know whether he was going to act on these feelings or not, know if they could ever be together. But that was how they lived their lives, each day a new adventure, no plan, no thought to the future and that was what scared her. What if he never thought of the future… thought of their future? What if he just woke up one day and decided he'd had enough of her and dropped her off on some barren rock. She knew it would never happen, he'd promised, but she couldn't control her thoughts or her emotions. Then she realised he may never act upon his emotions, that if she didn't do the acting for the both of them nothing may ever come from their love. So Rose opened her eyes ready for the Doctor.
What do you say
To a dream that won't go away
As she looked at his face a million memories shot through her mind – real memories or false memories – she could barely tell the difference anymore. She dreamt of him every night, no matter what she did or where she went in her dreams the all ended in one place – in his arms, against his chest, on his mouth. She didn't know if their love could ever be true or ever exist, but she knew that he would always visit her in her dreams. That was how she got over the disappointments of life, the disappointments of love; she created her own magical endings in her head. Sometimes she couldn't help but blush when he looked at her and the secret words spoken by him only in her dreams ran through her mind. She would try to shake them out of her head and end up closing her eyes to remove the images, the strange thing was when she opened them his eyes were nearly always shut as well. Shut from her gaze, or shut to protect himself from her? He was sitting beside her now, his rough hands gently brushing a hair away from her cheek, his eyes caressing her skin.
'Doctor?' she quietly asked.
Cos I don't know if I can stand it
Forever isn't something you want to be
She looked into his eyes knowing he would live forever unless something went terribly wrong. She also knew that one day she would eventually die, 'wither and die' was how the Doctor had put it. When he had told her she thought it might be the moment, the moment where he finally revealed his heart and soul 'imagine watching that happen to someone you…' he had begun, she remembered her eyes large and hopeful 'What Doctor?' she had prodded but then the moment was lost. Lost forever in time just like he had been. If she could wish for anything in the world, it would be to live for as long as he did, if it meant forever or for few mere days she didn't mind – as long as they could be together – forever.
The night is young
And the moon is a mother to both of us
The Doctor now stood directly above her, his eyes filled with emotion that she couldn't understand.
'There's something I need to tell you…' he began slowly. She looked into his eyes and was lost in memories. So many times when he was this close to her, so many times when they could have embarked upon this relationship. 'The world doesn't end because the Doctor dances' her words just swam around her head as she remembered being lost in his arms as her took her through the turns and swirls of the dance. As he dipped her low, as he lowered his head, as their eyes met… then as he rigidly stood up and said good night. So many lost moments, so many unspoken words. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in knowing that something major was about to happen. This was it, the final moment he could either say he loved her or say he's had enough of her, the ultimate make or break.
Marriage is an old and tired religion
And I love all the traditional things
Rose wanted to get married, she had known that since she was five years old and dressed up Barbie and Ken and walked them down the make-believe aisle whilst she threw daisy petals at them. She had always wanted kids; she had planned on having a family since… since before she could remember. The only thing she feared about this relationship was the end. Could the Doctor marry? Could he bind himself to just one person? Could he love someone for the rest of time? These were all questions that haunted Rose and she just didn't know the answers. Rose opened her mouth to speak
Domestic bliss and all that shit
Confusion is a definite direction
He'd told her from the beginning, he'd always said it 'I don't to domestic', but what did this mean? Did it mean he couldn't love her? Or that he couldn't be with her forever – he'd told her that before 'You can spend the rest of your life with me but I can't spend mine with you', was he trying to tell her nothing could ever happened between them? Or was he saying it could happen but it would end swiftly, swiftly as in no marriage, no kids, no hope. But if someone didn't do domestic how could they fall in love? Rose didn't know the answers to her questions, there was only one person in the entire universe that did and to find her answers she would have to ask him.
My heart's enlarged and I charge
The Doctor opened his mouth to finish his sentence; Rose took a deep breath and knew this was it – no going back. She raised one finger and pressed it gently against his lips, his soft pink lips – how she longed to kiss them. Instead she just held her finger there and looked into the Doctors' eyes, seeing and believing everything she wanted to know. She gave him a small coy, smile and nodded.
'I know' she whispered.
Sorry much didn't happen in real time in the chapter, just thought it would be better to Rose's point across before continuing. The action will happen in the next chapter(s)…..
Any thoughts?
